Thursday, December 30, 2010
I've been blogging for more than a year now and I haven't shared my weight yet. I don't know why I have such a hang up about it, but I do. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh either. He asked me to tell him recently and I said no, he asked me if I thought it would change the way he felt about me. I don't know the answer to that, obviously I do think that or I would have shared by now. Maybe it's because it definitely changes the way I feel about myself. I think it's an important step for me to actually write down what I weigh, to speak it and really own it. I know many of you bloggers are so open and honest about your weight you keep a ticker and you share openly about it. This is something that I hope to have the strength to do in the very near future. But still, I just don't know if I can. It is a goal of mine though and it is a goal of mine to start being more honest about other uncomfortable things as well.
Another goal of mine for the new year is to be more active. I have been lazy and I need to change that. Although it's challenging for me to get my workouts in, it is not impossible and it needs to be a priority. I will do better this year. Overall, I'm really happy with the way last year went and optimistic about the coming year. I will really work on doing some things differently and being more honest.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Have a great day!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thank you all for the part you have played in both my decision to have WLS and my ability to be successful. At this wonderful time of year I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have been given and for the wonderful friends I've made along the way. Merry Christmas!
Did I mention I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday?!?!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
The pergola and deck area, looking festive.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I'm excited about the party tomorrow, we are going to have some wonderful food, I'm making a crab bisque, and the side items, my husband is grilling the steaks and boy does he do a good job. I feel like I'm about to have a good loss, I've been holding steady for the last couple of weeks, but I feel it coming, I hope this weekend will bring me to a new low. This is new territory for me and it's pretty exciting. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll post pics from the party soon.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I feel really lucky to have been given a chance at a normal relationship with food via the band. I'm so grateful that my insurance paid for the majority of my surgery cost, that my husband loves and supports me and was willing to explore this option with me. When I look at that picture from my Christmas card last year I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude. I was so completely unhappy about my weight last year, it was such a struggle and I really did not have it in me to attempt weight loss again on my own. I felt so defeated as if no matter how much weight I lost I would never be able to live life on the other side of the diet. I just feel like finally I have the tool that I need to have long term success achieving a healthy weight. What a wonderful feeling.
I have a big weekend again, my husband's office party is at our house on Saturday, I'm excited and will start my preparations tonight. I'm behind on Christmas shopping, but that's nothing new. So, I hope everyone has a great day, again, thank you so much for your support and kindness.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My oldest son and his girlfriend.
My youngest son, you know...the one my Mom was talking about when she said, "I hope you have one just like you someday!" Silly boy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
DISCLAIMER: First of all, I can't make the text normal on this, I don't know what Draz does but all that highlighting doesn't transfer well, so....because I'm slightly OCD, it is important that you know that I am not purposely having some text highlighted and different sizes. Okay, now, let's move on!
If you are new, you can find Draz at http://justmedrazil.blogspot.com/
1. It is negative degrees here. Today I drove 35 all the way to work because I followed a snowplow who was also salting the roads. It's too cold to even go sledding or ice skating. The weather is downright nasty. It's freaking Winter alright? Why then – may I ask – when driving home last night did I see not one, but two MEN – driving big "I'm a man with a small penis so I drive this HUGE truck with deer antlers on the front and playboy mud flaps and mufflers coming out of the box" trucks with their windows OPEN? Why do men do that?
Men do that, because they are bundled up like Eskimos and don't have enough sense to take off the jacket, also because many of them smell bad, that mixed with the heater in the truck…not good! Women on the other hand know how to layer and smell good!
2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight? Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? No, I have no idea why I thought of this but it crossed my mind and now I want to know. I love that little man. I want to get my fingers tangled in that hornet's nest of hair he has. I think I'd feel better about life if I knew Richard wasn't alone. But then again – who on Earth could tolerate that voice every day of their lives? So tell me – does anyone know Richard's situation? I must know. I could google it but thought this would be more fun.
Richard Simmons is definitely gay, I feel certain that he is not alone, he has an entourage of equally annoying men who lay out his gym shorts for him in the morning and poof his little fro for him before and after exercise. He also lives with his mother or someone's mother and at least 3 tea cup Chihuahuas.
3. What's your favorite Cmas song?
I love "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree" and "Oh, Holy Night!"
4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie?
I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life" so, you can sue me!
And as soon as I kick Draz's ass, I'll tell you that, "That Ralphie Movie" is a classic and I love it as much as I love "Christmas Vacation!"
5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He's convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I've heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he's applying for are not even in the financial industry?
In the last 3 businesses I've been in, the credit score was not a valuable tool, however I know of many people who use it and say it's the best indicator of work ethic. I don't know.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Again, thank you all for your kindness and support!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Here are the things that are changing:
- my size
- the way people view me
- my clothes
- my attitude at times
- my eating habits
- my weight
Now here are the things that are staying the same:
- my view of my self
- my feelings of insecurity
- my attitude at times
- my need to be liked
I've blogged before about how difficult it is to deal with the changes of weight loss, particularly when you find it difficult to see much change in yourself. Recently, people have been complimenting me and telling me how they can really tell that I've lost weight. I know that I have lost weight, I've seen the number on the scale, I see the change in my clothes and all, but when I look in the mirror, I really don't see much difference from when I started. It's the curse that I suppose allowed me to get morbidly obese, to really not see yourself for what you are. I used to think I looked okay when I looked in the mirror, if my makeup was right and my hair was fixed, I would leave the house feeling good about myself until I would see a picture from that day or my reflection when I wasn't expecting it. When I would see my reflection, I would be stunned by my size and overwhelmed with this feeling of disbelief. Now, when I get ready, if my make up is right and my hair is fixed, I leave the house feeling good about myself, people say nice things to me, as they did 50 pounds ago. I go about my day feeling the same for the most part and still feeling the same size. I feel like, 50 pounds has made quite a difference in me and at the same time none at all. Sometimes, when I'm walking up to a store, I see my reflection and it catches me by surprise, I am shocked, that I don't look like the biggest person around. It's really difficult to reconcile these changes in my body with the lack of change in my brain.
Last night my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation. He told me that I needed to change the way I think about myself and the way I talk about myself. He said that every conversation eventually makes its way around to me being the fat girl and that it upsets him, because he doesn't see me that way and neither do our friends. It's hard to explain to him or to anyone what it's like to live a great portion of your life a particular way and then suddenly be expected to change. As a very overweight woman, I was painfully aware of my place in the world. I always made jokes about myself and my weight, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't aware of my situation and I wanted to ease the tension by allowing people to laugh with me rather than at me. I felt overlooked on a daily basis. I felt out of control and I felt out of touch with my own femininity. There were moments when I felt so ashamed of myself because I had let myself get so big, there were moments when I felt that my only comfort could come from food, and that no person could truly understand what it was like to live inside my body and inside my head.
My life was punctuated by moments of hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and invisibility: from my first husband who said and did hurtful, demeaning things to me and repeatedly betrayed me. To friends, who after my marriage ended ,wanted to see me stay locked in my prison of fat and self doubt, because that was the most comfortable place for them to keep me. There were new relationships, where I tried to step out of my comfort zone and trust and things didn't turn out so well. So, now, as I'm making my way through this process of change, I find that I'm still chained to some of my old ways of thinking.
Sometimes, I look at the way my life is now and I still feel unworthy. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I want to be attractive to him. I want to be interesting to him, but I guess what I need most right now is to be attractive to me and interesting to me. I am so out of touch with the person that I used to be and with the person that I want to be. Change really is hard.
But it is Wednesday....Big hugs!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I have a very busy weekend, tonight is my office Christmas party, it's at my house and tomorrow is another party at my house for an organization I'm in. So many parties, so little time. Have a great weekend guys. Big Hugs!