Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Why is it that hormones are ruling my emotions and my band?
These are some hormone related concerns I have. Feel free to chime in if you care to:
There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the hormonal fluctuations of this body of mine.
There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the fluctuations in tightness of my band, due to the above mentioned hormones.
These fluctuations in both, make me feel...well,a bit pissy. So there. I have been a bit emotional the last few days, and unlike most times when I'm emotional and weepy and can eat a horse. This time I'm emotional, weepy and tight as can be. So, this confuses me. Just when I think there's a pattern to the madness, there's not.
One of the things about being banded that was the hardest thing for me to get used to, was wrapping my head around the fact that I could still live and thrive on a very small amount of food, compared to what I was eating before. I think that was really holding me back early on in this journey. The next thing that has been a real issue for me is knowing the warning signs of a stuck episode in the making. Last night I made a crawfish pasta dish for my son. I had a tiny dish, the kind that your sauce or dressing comes in at a restaurant, because I had been stuck several times during the day and was trying to avoid it. I just had the sauce and crawfish, no pasta. I ate it very slowly. I chewed very well. I got stuck. I waited and waited, trying so hard to let it pass, because I had gone about a week without a PB and was really feeling that I was on top of things. It just wouldn't pass, so I PB'd. I hate to do that. I think if I had stopped one bite before, I could have avoided it, it's always that last bite that puts you over the edge, but I don't know it til I take it. I'm taking it easy today, I still feel very tight, but have been successful in eating today, small amounts of food, but I haven't been sick. I guess I need to come up with a formula for how to know what bite should be my last, it has never been a particular cup size or dish like some of you. Just trial and error for me.
One last band related thing... is it just me, or does it take three separate PB's before it's over for you? Inquiring minds want to know!
I hope you all are having a great day, tomorrow is Wednesday, my kids go to their dad's for the remainder of our Spring Break, I will miss them. The hubby is going hunting this weekend, so I'm going to take this time to re-center myself, have a little girl time with my peeps and just relax. I'm looking forward to it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
And, here is a picture of my step daughter and me. It was really windy out, so excuse our flat hair.
On the food front. I enjoyed myself, I had chocolate and wine and cake and a little bit of everything. I felt like I ate too much yesterday, but I didn't sweat it. Today, I'm back on track and so thankful for my band. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I'm busy at work as I'm wrapping up my quarterly filings. I hope to have more time to blog about a few things that have been on my mind, soon.
My oldest son is going to the Regional Track meet on Thursday, I'm excited about that. And, school is really almost out! I can't believe how another year is gone. Wow. Have a great Monday!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The second photo was taken in December of 2004, I was 41 and was separated from my husband for just two months, I was in New Orleans for the weekend, singing karoke with some friends and I remember being happy that I had lost about 15 pounds....Yikes! The third photo was me 2 weeks ago, I'm 48 and still singing karaoke at girls night in. Notice a pattern? The journal entry that went with the first two pictures was very interesting to me, I talked about how I had made great improvement in other areas of my life, but was still unable to conquer my food issues. I wrote: "So, here's the breakdown, I am no longer in a life-threatening, emotionally dangerous marriage, I quit smoking and have not started again, I have gained some weight back but am still quite a bit down from my heaviest, overall...I'm in a pretty good place, but I just can't seem to get to a place with my food issues that I have gotten to in other areas." I wrote more about my feelings toward food and then I wrote this: "Okay-I'm going to write this down, I'll speak it if I must, but I'm going to get this out there...I am afraid to be a thin woman! I don't know how to live successfully as a thin woman. I guess the pay off for me is that being fat is easy. I know how to lose weight and I know how to exercise and live a healthy lifestyle. I actually enjoy a healthy lifestyle, but I always sabotage myself. I'm afraid to be successful in that area. I'm afraid to be without the crutch of this fat body that has been my solace and refuge for so long. I promise myself today that I will devote myself to unearthing these feelings that make it less painful to live as an obese woman than to live as an average woman!" When I began reading my journal, it made me uncomfortable, those feelings were so raw and so desperate, I remember them very well. Sometimes I wonder if, with enough therapy, I would have been able to overcome my food addictions and attain a normal weight without weight loss surgery. On most days, I'm honest enough with myself to say no. I don't think so. My need and desire to medicate myself with food was so enmeshed in my lifestyle that there were very few moments in a day that I was not thinking of overeating if I wasn't already overeating. I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it. I'm so glad I did it. Today I feel a sense of freedom that had eluded me for many years. I always felt tied to my drug (food) and tied to my short comings (my fat). I'm glad to say that I feel like I can do this, I really feel like I can do this. I don't know why in the big scheme of things that this is the journey that I was meant to take, but I know that the things I have been through, the understanding that I have gained, have been for a reason. I hope someday to really fully understand it all. Thank you for sharing in my joys, my pains, my moments of discovery. You are such a part of my progress, I'm thankful each day for the friendships I have made through this blog. Big Hugs! T