It's not okay to be mean...

All the talk in blog land about the Marie Claire blog, "Should Fatties Get a Room?" has just got me really bothered. I was really upset by the article when I read it. I was upset by the hurt that came through in so many of the comments and upset by the hate that came through in many more. In a world of social conscience and political correctness, how can it still be okay to discriminate against the overweight?

I was not an overweight youngster or teenager, so I can only imagine the pain that being ridiculed for your weight can cause a young child. I gained my weight at 25, as an adult. But as a woman who has been varying degrees of fat for the last 23 years, I have experience prejudice and cruelty, because of my weight. I do know that pain. This is something that I rarely talk about and really don't want people to know about. Hell, I'm guilty as well. I berate myself, I have been crueler to myself about my fat than I would ever tolerate from another.

The woman who wrote that article for Marie Claire, said that she has struggled with body image issues and recovered from anorexia. This woman has the same issues as I do, but they have manifested themselves differently. I remember when my weight first started spiraling out of control, when years of binging and starving finally caught up with me. I remember trying to make myself vomit, I remember trying to get past the sick feeling of hunger and get to the powerful feeling...I wanted another eating disorder than the one I had, because I felt like a failure even in my sickness. I felt like, at least the ones who are starving to death or puking til their teeth fall out get the help they need. Couldn't anyone see that we were all crazy? Couldn't anyone see that we were all dying, just a different type of death? Couldn't anyone just look at me and see that no one would choose to be this? Couldn't anyone besides me realize that the way I chose to kill myself was slow and painful....one bite at a time? Couldn't I just get skinny and well at the same time? Couldn't I just stay at my goal weight for more than an hour, just this once? Couldn't my therapist stop telling me that it's not about the food? Couldn't people just see that I am the same person, regardless of the coating around me? Couldn't this, couldn't that?

So much of my life has been spent obsessing about my issues with food, my weight, my body image. I have wasted so much of my life. It's painful being fat, I have a list of moments etched into my brain, moments were people have been cruel or moments when you realize, that even though you're the biggest thing in the room...you're invisible. I remember one incident particularly well, one of those defining moments. I was in the construction business, and we were doing a big project at a casino. One of my employees had broken a saw and needed me to bring another one to the job site. I got it and wrestled it to my car, this is a big saw, a sliding chop saw. And, I'm in a dress mind you, I pull up to the casino (it's a riverboat) and they won't let me drive over the bridge area to get close, so I call my employee to come with a cart. I can't reach him and I have to be at a sales meeting with a potential customer soon after this. So, I decide to try to carry the saw. I get it out of the car and I start hauling it. As I'm walking across the area, there are about 15 men eating or smoking off to the side and not a single one of them offered to help me. By the time I got half way there, my employee called me back and then came to meet me, he took the saw and looked at me and said, I can't believe no one over there helped you. I couldn't even respond. When I was walking back to my car I saw 2 of the men hop up to open the door for a skinny woman who was walking up carrying a poster board. When I got to my car, I cried and I cried. Never before had it been so clear to me what the world really thought of me. The world, that didn't know me, the world that did not give me the opportunity to talk my way into their hearts, the real world...and it sucked!

The woman who wrote this article said that she thought people of all sizes and shapes should be represented on TV in in magazines, but that the couple on Mike and Molly weren't just overweight, but morbidly obese (more than 100 pounds overweight) and that it was time to address how unhealthy that is. I know it is not healthy to be 100 pounds overweight, been there! But I also know that it is not healthy to be Anorexic or Bulimic. I also know that everyone, regardless of size, deserves to feel loved and respected.

The other thing she said that really pissed me off was; that if someone wanted to know how to lose weight, that she'd be happy to give them some healthy eating and exercise tips! Really? I know how to lose weight, always have, but knowing and doing are quite different. Just as I'm sure she knew how to not starve herself, but couldn't quit doing it. I guess what upsets me the most about the prejudices that accompany being fat is that often times people think if you're fat, you're lazy, stupid and weak. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy and I'm certainly not weak! I know how to lose weight! You know, my husband uses tobacco, he knows it's bad for him, he knows he should stop, but he can't right now, does that make him lazy, stupid or weak? No, he's a hard worker, he's smart and strong, but he's addicted to tobacco. I know lots of people who have addictions and other issues, who are not stupid, lazy or weak, but troubled and addicted.

All I know for sure is that, my relationship with food for the past 30 years has been less than healthy and I no longer want to live the way I have been living. I don't want to be fat, I'm glad I got a tool to help me in my struggle to level the playing field in my fight against obesity. Do I think that suddenly when I'm thin I'll be smarter, stronger, less lazy? Do I think that I'll be a better person because I can shop in a normal store? I have mixed emotions when I think about what my life will be like as a "normal" sized woman. Sometimes I still get angry when I think about the way people have judged me without even knowing me. I hope I enjoy being there when I get there, but I don't know if I will.

All I do know is that I'm glad it's Friday and I'm glad I've got you guys!
Happy weekend.
Big Hugs!
T

Spooky....

I'm having so much fun playing with picnick.com! Thanks Jen for showing us this sight. I'm so excited to have a new toy to play with.

And, thank you all for the wonderful comments about my comparison photos yesterday. Everyone was so sweet. It was really hard to put that awful picture of myself out there. But, it's me. I'm not ashamed of where I've been, I'm just glad I'm on my way out. I had to laugh when people said that I didn't look like I had 53 pounds left to loose. It's because I was doing the Amy W. pose, it takes at least 10 pounds off of a girl, unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to comfortably stay in that position all day!

I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support base. Thank you for all that you are to me!
Big Hugs and spooky stuff!
T

Jen, it really worked!

Before and During: Left me at my highest weight, ugh!

Right me, minus 77 pounds since highest, 43 since surgery!

Thanks Jen for the tutorial on the side by side comparison photos. I found this old, awful picture of myself tucked away with my Weight Watchers books. It really makes me sad to look at it and even sadder to have lived it. But, it is good to look at how far I've come, that makes me feel great about myself. I can only imagine how great I'll feel when I lose 53 more pounds to get to my goal weight. I mean, 53 pounds sounds doable to me, it's been so long since I didn't need to loose 100. I love my band! What an exciting time in my life! Thanks for sharing the journey with me! Big Hugs!!!

T

It's HOT!

OMG, our A/C went out at work today, this morning at around 10, they are replacing it but not until tomorrow. It is 87 today and very humid. I'm melting!!! And, I'm gonna smell like a marathon runner when I get home. Oy!
Hope you are having a cooler one than me!
Big Hugs,
T

Monday's child is fair of face...

Monday's child might be fair of face, but Monday's woman can't keep the pace. I had a wonderful weekend, but not one with much time to rest. I don't know why I can't get more rest in on the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love social activities, but I also love a good nap on a Sunday afternoon.

Friday, my son had a middle school dance, so I had to bring him and pick him up, so not much else took place, no cocktail, when you have to tote kids around. Saturday, we went to a wonderful cocktail party and then to a friends house for a little more cocktail. I was having a bad food day, so I was sick several times during the day, wine went down fine though, so Sunday...a bit of a headache!

Then on Sunday my husband and I took the boat out and went fishing. Well, he fished, I just made myself a comfy spot, and relaxed enjoying the fresh air and sunshine and picked animals out of the clouds. I love gazing at the clouds and identifying shapes in them. Then we went home, did lots of laundry and went for a lovely dinner at our neighbor's house, we sat on the porch with a cocktail and enjoyed the sunset over the bayou, that's the picture above. I love living in the South, being close to the water. I recharges my battery to spend time in such a beautiful relaxing environment. I attempted to eat the wonderful food, but no could do! I don't understand my band sometimes. The whole weekend it was so tight that I was miserable. Today, I think I could eat my shoe. What gives?

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and a great week ahead! Big Hugs!

T

Red Hot Chili Peppers- Scar tissue

Yeah, no hernia, just some scar tissue. It was quite interesting when I went for the ultrasound yesterday. The tech asked me to show her where on my abdomen I felt the area in question. I lifted my shirt and showed her, she saw my scars and said, "so you had surgery?" My reply, "yes almost 7 months ago." She starts with the ultrasound and suddenly this look comes accross her face and she's trying to look calm, I can tell. She moves the wand several different ways, she turns the screen away from me, then she finally says, "what kind of surgery did you have?" I said, "I have a Lap Band." She then makes a huge sigh and says,"Thank God, I thought they left something in there after surgery!" It was funny and then the Radiologist came in and looked too, my port was cool looking and she said she's glad to know how well it shows up on ultrasound, because they usually do fills under x-ray when they have trouble locating a port, but she said this would be so much easier. Hmmm. Anyway, my port was attached perfectly flat on my abdominal wall and there was no scar tissue on my abdominal wall, actually it was between the fat layers and the muscle. Strange, but I'm glad it's nothing.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Big Hugs!

T

My band is kickin....

Like Chuck Norris!

That's right! I'm down another 3 pounds!! That makes 43 down!! For the scale to suddenly decide to move is an amazing thing for me. I had pretty much resigned myself to the snail's pace that had been the status quo. But....I gladly welcome the change. I have read on many blogs that bandsters report suddenly losing again, it's like your body decides it's not actually starving and is willing to give up some of the fat stores. Thank you Lord!

Date night was great, as always! I'm stunned that today is already Thursday, how does that happen? I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Big Hugs!!!

T

You guys are the best!

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of love and support that I've gotten form you guys. Whether I'm sharing a heart ache or a triumph, you always know what to say to make me feel special and cared about.

So, from the bottom of my heart....thank you!

In other news... Houston, we have restriction and it does not seem to be going away. I thought it was because I had a bit of a cold, but I'm all better now. I have read other blogs where people have noted that they have a delayed reaction to a fill. I'm at 3cc's in my band and I'm feeling really good. Granted, I've had some rough spots, some days where I could hardly eat. But now I think I'm settling in and not fighting the band so much. It's amazing how much satisfaction you can get from a small amount of food if you just do the right thing! I have to be reminded to chew and take it slow, I had gotten used to much less restriction, I guess. With this fill, I have noticed I have had a much more difficult time knowing when to stop before it becomes painful. I'm sick of puking so I'm going to really concentrate on slowing down and doing things by the book.

Also, tomorrow I go for an abdominal ultrasound to see if the area on my stomach is a hernia or not. I hope it's not and I hope it's nothing, just maybe some fat that got pooked to one side. Fingers crossed. Tonight is date night, I'm excited. I have so much to celebrate, I love my husband and we have so much fun together. Have a great one! Big hugs!

T

So much has changed...

Six years ago today, I left my ex-husband. It was 2 days after our 17th wedding anniversary and it was the bravest thing I've ever done. It was a day I'll never forget, when he found out I had filed for a separation, he went nuts. I was scared, my kids were scared...
Flash forward 6 years:
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the life I have now. I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me and my children. My children are safe and happy. I live in a beautiful home. I have a great job, I have great friends....and I have taken the steps to get my weight under control, permanently.
Wow! I can't believe how much things have changed and how much I've changed.
Have a great day!
Big Hugs!
T

Finally!

It has taken forever, but the scale finally moved. My husband let me have the scale back and I think I'll give it back to him today. I think it is much more reasonable for me to weigh once a week rather than every time I walk into the bathroom! This fill has definitely made a difference. I'm still super tight and yesterday had one of the worse days I've had since being banded. I couldn't eat anything and threw up several times. I'm better today though. I think that my cold really does have a lot to do with my level of tightness. I would like to be a little less tight, as I make better food choices, and get my protein in when I'm not so tight. However, I'm glad to finally report a loss. My average is low, I'm at 6.15 pounds per month, but I'm glad that the scale is indeed going down.

I hope all of you had a great weekend, I did, but it was way too action packed, not much in the line of rest going on. Have a great Monday! And thanks for being such a great source of support for me!

Big Hugs!

T

The Childhood Post...

There are so many wonderful posts out there right now talking about what it was like to be a fat child, how the pain of our childhood affects us as parents. It has all been so thought provoking. Here's my addition.

I wasn't fat, but I was tall. That's me all the way to the right. I was 5 years old, the little blond girl was my best friend, she and I are the same age, the girl between us is her older sister, she's 7 and the baby in the pool is 2. Just to put things in perspective. I was tall, the tallest kid in my class until the 7th grade, when 2 boys finally passed me up. I was 5'8" in the 7th grade. I always felt big, even though I was thin until I was 25, I always felt like the biggest thing in the room. Generally, I was. My first grade teacher was a tiny little nun, who was the same height as me. I was 6. I remember having conversations with my mom about being so big and wondering if I would ever stop growing or if I'd have to settle for life in the Circus. She was tall too and would always tell me that one day I'd be thankful I was tall (yeah, when the BMI chart came out!) Seriously, she was right. I'm glad I'm tall. I'm glad that I passed that gene on to my tall sons, I just wish that I'd had a greater appreciation for my height when I was younger. I was never very athletic, I was always and still am a bit of a spaz. I grew really fast as a kid, which did not lend itself to great coordination and athletic prowess. I remember always getting picked first for basketball and other sports, only to disappoint my teammates. Bad athletes do come in big packages.

My height, though it was tough as a child, was not what lead to my weight problem. My weight problem was a direct result of my self medicating with food. After my parents died, what brought me the most comfort was food. I ate in secret, I ate around others, I ate myself into a full blown morbidly obese woman. So, I don't know the pain of being an overweight child, but I do know the pain of being a child who's lonely and scared and struggling to fit in. And I certainly know the pain of being an overweight grown up. I think we all know that one.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Big Hugs!
T

Tight!

"Fat guy in a little coat!"

That's what my band feel like right now. I got a fill 10 days ago and starting on Wednesday, I started feeling super tight. I have a bit of a cold, I've read lots of posts about getting tighter with a cold. I hope that's it and that it will loosen up a bit. I've gotten sick on water twice and got stuck on my coffee yesterday. It's pretty annoying, because when I'm having trouble eating, it seams like I'm hungrier than ever. I had a slimfast for breakfast today and brought some soup for lunch to work. Yesterday I got so sick on chili and this morning already I've been sick on water. I don't like!

My scale is still in hiding and this morning, I must admit, I searched the house for it and couldn't find it. I want to weigh. I sure hope that all this tightness pays off. Something good better come of it.

I'm ready for the weekend and so ready to get caught up on my housework. I hope everyone has a great weekend and I hope you know how very much your comments have meant to me. We are so lucky to have each other!

Big Hugs!

T

Things are looking up.

Thanks to you guys and your wonderful supportive comments and virtual hugs, things are looking up. I'm feeling better today and done with my pity party! It's amazing to me how difficult this process has been emotionally. Much more difficult emotionally than physically for sure. I am a veteran of therapy, 12 step programs and the self help section of the library. I have done some soul searching, but never in conjunction with being physically unable to use my drug of choice the way I want to use it. It's been hard, this is the point where I always start slipping, and it's scary.

Either way, I'm feeling better today, much better. I hope all of you are doing well too. Again, thanks for your support, I don't know what I'd do without you!

Big Hugs,
T

Like a baby...

Yeah, yesterday I cried like a baby. I was sad. I was sad because I'm impatient (by the way, thank you for all of the wonderful advice and supportive comments you left me yesterday!) I was sad because I'm hormonal and sad because I felt uncomfortable in my skin and sad because I feel like I'm on the verge. Yes, on the verge, but not necessarily on the verge of something good. Yesterday, I felt like I was on the verge of failure.

I tried to articulate all of these feelings with my husband last night as I cried on his shoulder. Like the good husband and friend that he is, he hid my scale for me last night. When he told me he had put it away, this wave of panic came over me that I was not prepared for. The disappointment of the day came rushing forward in the form of tears and they began to fall. I cried and cried for so many reasons, reasons I can identify and reasons I cannot. Today as I'm sitting at my desk thinking about the events of yesterday, thinking about the things I told my husband about my fears of failure, I'm once again overwhelmed. I feel uneasy and restless, I feel fat and I feel like I won't get past this...that this will be like all the other times. I know logically that, this is not like the other times. This time I have help, help from my band, help from a wonderful man, and help from you. I can't help but feel powerless though, the weight of my past failures is more than I can take sometimes.

I don't understand why some days I feel powerful and confident and feel like I'm going to conquer this once and for all and then in the same week I can have a day like yesterday, a day that consumes me. I want to be healthy and trim. I want this so badly, but I'm scared. I'm scared to fail and I'm scared to succeed. I'm scared to live as a normal person. I don't know how. I don't know how to be without my crutch, my excuse for why I'm not lovable my excuse for everything. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and know that there are bloggers who've gone before me, you've tasted success and all that it holds. I have to change me. I hope I can.

Thanks for listening to me.

Big Hugs!

T

It's hard to be patient.

I'm really trying to be patient, but it's hard . I feel like things are going well as far as my restriction is concerned. My fill has been great. I'm satisfied with the food I'm eating. Some days have been rough, but you know....when you have a lap band, some days are just bad food days, some days are great. I still haven't lost anymore weight though. I know I'm weighing too much and I'm trying to get a handle on that. When I got back from my trip, I weighed at night with clothes on and I was weighing in at my lowest so far, so I was pumped, thinking that in the morning, naked, I would be at least 2 down and...NO, still the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I have lost what I have, I feel good and have seen the benefits of my weight loss. But I just can't understand why the scale has to jump so much. So, today I decided I'd had enough of the scale and was going to take my measurements and see if I could measure progress that way instead. I nearly had a fit when I saw that my waist measurement has gone UP by 1.5 inches. How can this be? My husband said, you must be measuring in a different place than usual, but I swear I'm not, I'm measuring at my natural waist. My hips and thighs are the only place I've lost inches since the last time I measured. I know I shouldn't be griping, I mean...my hips and thighs are the biggest part of me, I'm glad to be losing inches there. I guess I just want things to be quicker I want to be further along than I am.

Okay so, all the complaining in the world is not going to change things, so here is my plan. I'm going to ask my husband to remove the scale from the bathroom for 1 week (I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it!) I'm going to start walking again and I'm going to concentrate on getting more protein at meals. I will weigh and take measurements again next week. I need a lesson in patience, so there. Any advice on how you get through this sort of thing would be appreciated. Have a great day guys! Big Hug!!
T

Pics from the game....Go Buckeyes!

As I said, it was a great weekend. My husband grew up in Ohio and he is a huge Buckeye fan. Now, living in Louisiana, he's a rarety and he catches alot of flack from his buddies about not being and LSU fan. Needless to say, it was very special to be at the game with him, we had great seats and it was an experience I'll treasure. So, here are just a few to share. Have a great day.

Great weather, great seats, great company!

What a weekend!

I had a wonderful weekend in Ohio. We met some of my husbands old high school friends, we went to see a Buckeye's game, we had a blast! I'm so glad we did it, even though I'm dragging today. I'll post pictures soon. On the band front, my fill is definitely working. It's taking me a bit to get used to being tight again, but I'm definitely enjoying the change in my appetite. I met two bandsters this weekend, they are both a year out and doing well, they are a couple and he is like me, he's only had 2 fills and is only at 3ccs and really has good restriction, she has had many fills and is at 9 ccs and still really doesn't have much restriction. It's amazing to me how different every ones journey is. So, it's definitely Monday and lots of catching up to do at work. Have a great day!
Big Hug!
T

Got a fill yesterday!

I got a fill yesterday. I was apprehensive, because I just didn't want to be too tight. After talking with my doctor, we decided I needed one. I got 1cc, which brings me to 3cc's in a 10cc band. He pulled the fluid out and said I hadn't lost any fluid and said that he's been hearing a lot about leaky ports. He then said that the needles you are supposed to use for a fill are more expensive and some doctors use and IV needle instead which can lead to leaks. This fill hurt, I mean I felt like he was going to push my port through my back, but I definitely feel a difference. I've had 1/2 of banana this morning and I'm full. A while back I mentioned that I had this "thick" feeling area on my stomach that in the beginning I thought was my port. I made my doc feel it yesterday and explained that it doesn't hurt, it just feels different and it definitely wasn't like that before the surgery. He said he wants to do an ultrasound next week to make sure it isn't a hernia. Like I said, it doesn't hurt, it's just weird. I'll be happy to know for sure that it's nothing. I'm glad I got this fill, although I've been really kind of scared about it. My husband and I are going to Ohio this weekend to see some of his high school buddies and to go to a Buckeye game! I'm excited for the weekend, and hope I can remember to be very careful with this new fill. Have a great Wednesday!
Big Hug!
T

My posts are out of order!

I posted part of my Saturday pics and can't figure out how to change the date to today instead of Sunday, any advice?

Homecoming pics to share.

I still haven't finished downloading pics from Saturday Night in Chicago. They take so long, because you have to do them one at a time. I hope to have them up by tomorrow. Anyway, I thought I'd share a few pics from Homecoming weekend. Hope you all have a great Monday!
Hugs!
T

My son James and his girlfriend

My step daughter Emily and her boyfriend

And both of my sons, James & John

Okay this is 1/2 of the Saturday Chicago pics!

Sorry, I still haven't had time to download all my pics, but I will eventually, here are a few from Saturday Evening and Day, excuse the reverse order!

Vickie, Me and Draz (please note I'm wearing sensible shoes!)


Jennifer, Draz and Deborah

Carmen and Julie

Vickie, Draz and Jennifer
Lara!
Me doing the Amy W. pose!
Sarah & Jacquie
Me and Vickie (one of many self portraits from the weekend!)

Have a great day!

Hugs!

T

Friday Night in Chicago- Picutre post #1

Amy W. after a shot of tequila with no lime to chase with...she chased it with a cookie,
not quite the same!

Catherine & Amy!!!! I was a little star struck, I won't lie!

Me & Catherine, she's amazing!

Me & Joey, the Scandinavian Princess

Julie, Grace and the best Roomie ever Vickie

Gail, Jenny, Maria and Robin

Cindy and StephanieSandy, Jacquie and Joey

Lynda with a Y, Alexis,Bonnie, Maria and Sherry

Bonnie

Jacqui, Linda with and I, Bonnie, Gilly and JoeyKristen and Sherry

Wow, what a wonderful time, everyone was so nice and I had a blast. More pics to come, stay tuned! Big Hugs!
T

BYOC

1.Are you late, early or on time?
I am early or on time, I hate to be late and I hate it when others are late, especially if they don't call to tell me.

2. Name 3 things you dislike and 3 things you like:
Dislike:

Waking up when I don't want to

Waste

lies

Like:
Family
Musical Theatre
Fall weather

3. Are you a morning or night person?
I don't like to wake up in the morning sometimes, but the older I get the more I like the morning. If it's after dark and I sit still for more than a few minutes, I want to go to sleep.

4. What is your favorite clothes store?
CATO. It has inexpensive clothes, but they are stylish and they have plus sizes and regular sizes with accessories in the middle. One day I too will veer to the right!!

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland. Wow, it's always hard to go back to work after you've had an exciting weekend. I've been playing catch up in all areas, this weekend I will wash til the laundry is done! And it's homecoming week, lots of preparation and football, tonight is the dance. And then, of course BOOBS on the brain, Chicago was a wonderful experience. I'm so glad I went. I really can't wait til next year!

Other than that, I can't believe it's already Friday! I plan to sleep late tomorrow and then clean house like Martha Stewart's coming to visit! Happy weekend guys!

Big Hug!

Theresa