Monday...it's here, like it or not!

Well, once again it's Monday. I'm just not in the mood for Monday. I didn't sleep well last night and that always makes Monday even more of a bummer. The weekend however was good. My hubby was out of town most of last week, so it was so nice to spend time with him, just hanging out. Friday, we did football, Saturday we had a party to watch football and yesterday we just recovered from Friday and Saturday. Today, I'm swamped at work closing out the month, and I'm starting to have this awful feeling that the year is nearly gone! How did this happen? The next couple of months are so busy for me.

On the band front, I'm just not really motivated lately to be particularly good. I can't tell you how many compliments I keep getting from people, telling me that they can really tell I've lost more since they've seen me last, which is crazy, I haven't lost any weight months. In fact, I'm waffling back and forth with 2 pounds up and down on a regular basis. I just don't get it. I really want to get motivated. I keep thinking, well... now that I've acclimated to this weight, I'll start to really get my groove back. It's true, I'm starting to feel like this is the new heavy me, I can't really remember what it felt like to be as heavy as I was. I feel good right now, but I'm starting to feel like my gut is huge and my muffin top is very visible, so maybe that's a good sign right? I don't want to get too comfortable. I do want to get the rest of my weight off, and let's face it, my skin has had more than enough time to adjust. So...hello...body...brain...band....it's okay, you can do your thing now!

Thank you all for the kind comments and prayers about my last post. It's been a really rough week for my kids and their school. I really appreciate your support.

Hope you all have a great week!
Big Hugs!
T

One of the saddest days ever!

Yesterday, a sophomore girl at my children's school committed suicide. A beautiful, talented young girl, just 15 years old. She was a recent transfer to our school, she had been a victim of bullying at her previous school and so her parents moved her. My children go to a private, Catholic high school. From all accounts, she seemed to be fitting in really well, was well liked and things were much better for her there. There a rumors going around about the girls who pushed her to the edge, if they are true...I know two of the girls. To say that this has affected me and my children deeply, is an understatement. I just can't believe that this child took her own life, I cannot believe that she thought that was her only option. My heart breaks for her and her parents.

I am on Facebook. My children are on Facebook. I got on, because I wanted to see what my kids were up to and to keep tabs on them. I'm amazed daily by the things that young people particularly (but often older people too) will post. Cruel things, obscene things...as if their words have no affect. I know that things are different today then they were when I was a young. When I was growing up, if you wanted to say something to someone, you called them on the phone, or you talked to them in person, or you wrote a note and passed it in school. When you speak to someone face to face, it's so much more real. These children text each other and they say things that they would not say to someone's face. It is all quite disturbing. I cannot believe that these bullies could not see what they were doing to this girl. The outpouring of love and support for this girl has been overwhelming, how sad that it has come too late. How sad that all of these words, these acts of kindness can't change what has already happened.

As our children get bigger so does the scope of their problems, they are no longer wrapped in the innocence of youth. It is so sad indeed. Hug your children extra tight today and let them know how special they are.

Big hugs,
T

A great weekend!

First of all, thank you for all of your wonderful supportive comments about my last post. I'm amazed at the friendships that have developed through this blog and because of my lap band experience. It means so much to me that you get me. Thank you, thank you!

Secondly, I had a wonderful time at my class reunion. It was great to see people that I have not seen in 30 years. On Friday night we went to the football game together and then out to a little hole in the wall, restaurant / bar. We hung out, got reacquainted with those we hadn't seen in a while and we sang karaoke. It was really fun.

Saturday night we had a get together at a local club, we had a decent turn out, not a ton of people but a good turn out. It was really fun, we were able to catch up, find out what people have been up to and we just hung out. My friend Christy picked me up, so I didn't even have to worry about not drinking, or getting a cab. Great night. Some of you might remember Christy, I talked about her on my blog, and she even blogged (briefly). Christy and I have so much in common, we graduated high school together, we both were thin in high school, we both married men who treated us badly, had two children with said bad men and we both gained a ton of weight, we both also lost a ton of weight many times, only to gain it back. Christy and I were not great friends in high school, we didn't hang out, but she was always very sweet to me and I think we always considered one another friends. Later in life we were neighbors and we did lots of things together, always running in the same crowd. Christy and I both divorced and then married wonderful hard working men, who love us and only want us to be happy. When I got the lap band, Christy was at the end of her rope (can we all identify) and I went with her to my surgeon's seminar about WLS. She decided to get Gastric Bypass and...wow, she's one year out and down 100.4 pounds. The transformation is unbelievable. I know that the lap band was the right choice for me, but to see Christy do so well, so quickly, kind of makes me wonder a little. Then, I realize, I'm doing fine, the stop in my weight loss is a result of my choices, not the lap band not doing it's job. I want to get to my goal, and honestly I don't care how long it takes me to get there. I feel really good about where I am, even though it's not the finish line, I can definitely see that I'm doing alright in this race. In 2004 Christy and I were with a group of women on a little trip for my niece's graduation, I have a picture that we took together then and I told her at the reunion we should take another picture and I would make a comparison of the two. Well, I did and wow, it's amazing to see how much younger we both look, how much happier and healthier we both look. What a blessing this has been. I just have to share that picture too.

Amazing! I hope you all have a great week!
Big Hugs!
T

More deep thought...

Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of the day I left my ex husband. I have spent some time reflecting on that time in my life lately. The day that I left him, was a terrible day indeed. I had made up my mind in August that I was going to leave, but it took me until October to get my nerve and to get my ducks in a row. I was afraid. I was afraid of him, he was abusive and manipulative and very unpredictable. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that I couldn't take care of myself and my children. I was afraid of what was going to happen to me and the boys when he realized that I was serious. I was afraid to leave but I was more afraid to stay. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, I didn't want him to hurt my kids. I didn't want my kids to think that is what love was. I spent most of my days...afraid. It's a terrible way to live. I often wonder now, how I lost myself. It was a very slow process, but the end result was me going from day to day in a fog, not really feeling things, just eating my way through the bad feelings and hoping that one day things would get better or that one day, I might find the nerve and the energy to leave him.

When I reflect on that time and the woman that I was, I'm overcome with regret at times for the way I allowed myself to be treated and regret for the time I lost. I am also overcome with gratitude for the life that I have now. On that day in 2004, if you had told me that in just a few years I would be living like I am now, I would not have believed it. I never thought that I would be able to find love again, I didn't think I could take care of myself and my kids, I didn't think I'd be able to feel safe and secure and happy. But I do! Back then, I believed that it was all my fault and that I was broken, I believed that in some way, I deserved to be mistreated, it was Karma. I did not see my own worth let alone my own strength.

So many things happened in the years after that day...slowly, but surely I began to piece my life back together, to gain some control again. I had used my fat as my armor, it protected me from the outside, and it kept me "real" (in my mind, it kept me faithful to the life I had chosen for myself.) It wasn't just that I was fat, I had lost my softness, my femininity, I no longer looked like the woman I had been, I no longer really cared. But, slowly, as I started to feel again, I started to heal. And, I started to reevaluate some things in my life. For one, my weight, my health, my harshness. As I healed, I learned to love again, I learned to trust again...I found out that it was okay to be soft, that my fragility would be safe in the hands of others. I found a man, who loved me as I was, he saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He reminded me daily that he loved me and that I was safe, he supported me in all endeavors and he continues to be by my side in my lap band journey and my life journey. He does this even though he knows just how crazy I am.

I believe in fate, I believe that things happen for a reason. My life before was what brought me to the life I have now, so I cannot begrudge it. My ex husband gave me two beautiful children, I would never want to change that. Had I gotten out of my marriage years before, I might have missed out on being in the right place at the right time to meet the love of my life. I would certainly never want to change that! And, living as a fat woman, coming to the end of my proverbial rope, well that brought me to the lap band, which in turn brought me to an incredible source of love and support in this area of my life. I am forever grateful for that.

There are times when my life feels busy and out of control, times when I fall back on old habits, I try to solve a problem that is not hunger related with food (old habits), times when I berate myself for having eaten out of boredom, hurt or frustration. There are times when I look a picture of myself from seven years ago and I feel a wave of shame and hurt all over again, but then I realize that it was all just a part of my journey. It is part of who I am, without it, I wouldn't have what I have today, so, even though it is hard to look at the old me, it is something I need to remember, something that I can't begrudge. I can't appreciate how far I've come unless I look at where I've been.

On that note, I'll leave you with a pic of me from 2004 and one of me from BOOBS this year. It's good to look back but it's even better to look forward, and focus on the future. Have a wonderful weekend!
Big Hugs!
T

The final installment, Chicago...

Sorry that it's taken me so long to post the rest of these pictures. Life is busy right now. Busy but good. I hope all is well for you guys too. So, here are pictures from Saturday night in Chi Town. What a fun night it was, the food was great, although, most of us couldn't eat much. The drinks were flowing and the hens were cackling. So much fun!

Me and my wonderful roomies, Jacquie and Vickie

Karin and Stephanie

Stacey, Ronnie, Brandi and Debi


Brandi, Stephani and Jacquie (they all have the same surgeon!)

Linda, Deb and Camille

Stephanie, Jacquie and Nicole

Carmen....rockin' that dress!

Carmen, Dawnya, Beth Ann, Vickie and Me

Vickie, Me, Joey, Jennifer and Carmen

Read and Me

In other news, my 30th class reunion is this weekend I was hoping to be in onderland but instead I'm in maintenanceville, it could be much worse! This is the least amount I've weighed at a class reunion, so for that I'm grateful. In fact, I skipped my 20th because I was so embarrassed by my weight. I'm looking forward to seeing some old friends, I hope we have a good turn out. I don't know why, but I've been less than motivated to blog lately. This happened to me last year after BOOBS, I think it's because I find it tedious to post pictures, and I didn't want to blog about other things until I put the pictures up. Now maybe I'll get motivated. I'm also hoping that I'll get motivated to lose some weight... we shall see. You guys take care, hope you have a great day!

Big Hugs!

T

Installment #1 pics from Chicago!

Some of these are out of order, but they are filled with fabulous women....

Vickie and Joey this was Thursday afternoon by the pool.

Kristin, Jacquie and Krystal

Jenny and Jessica

Tina & Beth Ann
This was Friday on the walking tour.

Amanda and Angie

Thursday by the pool.

Angela & Jacquie
Walking tour.

Dawnya

Amey, Deb and Vickie
This one and the rest are from Friday's meet and greet, good times!

Maria and Linda

Robin, Camille, Cindy, Deb, Donna and Nancy

Angela and Dawnya

Julie, Debi and Brandi

Brandi, Becky and Shannon

Lynne and Camille

Stephanie, Karin and Jessica

Joey and Cindy

Joey and me!

Kristin meeting her inspiration for the first time...Catherine

Kristin and Catherine

Me and Carmen....she took the pic!

Catherine and me

Tomorrow I'll try to post the rest. What a great trip it was, looking at the pics makes me miss everyone. I hope everyone is doing great! Take care....big hugs!!!

T

What? Me...a slacker?

I totally am, when it comes to blogging and other things too. I've been overwhelmed with the craziness of my life. Catching up at work and home after my trip with the boobs, running with my kids here there and everywhere, football, football and more. Anyway, I am sorry that I haven't posted. I had a wonderful time in Chicago and promise to post some pictures. I just got pics uploaded on Facebook today, but I'm at work now and only have time for a quick post, so ...
I hope everyone is doing well. It was so nice to see old friends in Chicago and to meet new ones. It really is surreal when you meet someone for the first time but feel like you've known them forever! I will write more about that and all the fun things we did in Chicago.

But for now I'll just say, while I was in Chicago, my eating was great, I didn't gain any weight, I felt really good, we were active, we ate and drank but nothing out of control. I came home and felt like I wanted to eat everything in sight. I have not felt like exercising, I've been on the border of getting sick and have been using that as an excuse for not moving.

It's time for me to take an honest inventory of my life, time to reevaluate my eating and get back in gear. I've just been maintaining for the last 7 months....seriously? What has happened to my reserve. I don't want to stop here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I have been able to maintain all this time, because that is unheard of for me. And, perhaps I'm just taking a break here...maybe I'm just a lazy ass and don't care anymore. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what's different now. I know I feel better, I feel more normal, but I'm a long way from being thin. I don't know what to make of my lack of commitment. I generally am a very committed person. I could use any advise you might have.

I will leave you with a pic of me an my roomies, Vickie and Jacquie. We had so much fun together. Love these girls and miss them!


Have a great day!
Big hugs!
T

What a blast!

I had a truly amazing time in Chicago! Unfortunately, I'm swamped at work, playing catch up. I took a few minutes to read a few blog posts and unfortunately Blogger won't let me comment!!! Uggghh! Anywhoo. I promise to get caught up and I promise to post. It was a great time! I'm so glad I went!!
Big Hugs!
T