Why do I give my power away to food?!?!

I'm in a bad place right now, teetering between good and evil. I'm so frustrated by not having a date yet, and so not committed to eating right! I can't stand the way I feel when I overeat. I can't stand the way I look to myself when I overeat. I can't stand the way I pick myself apart when I overeat. So... why the hell do I continue to overeat? I feel like a crack addict must feel, waking up everyday with new conviction to stay clean and then ending each day regretting that I didn't. My weight is up, but still 44 pounds from my high. How can this weight feel so much different when I hit it on the way up then it did on the way down? I remember weighing what I weigh now and feeling great about my self because I was 40 pounds down! I need to get my mojo back! I know that no one can do this for me but me. Sorry guys, I'm officially over my rant. Does anyone out there have any advice on how I can get my mojo back until I get the band?

Here's the story of a girl named Tessie....

So, I love reading other blogs and have found that many bloggers give an introductory type summary of one's life. So, in the spirit of sharing and healing, here's mine.

I was not always fat. I was thin until I was 25, but as far back as I can remember, food was my drug of choice. My father had a heart attack when I was 5 and my mother got cancer when I was 6. Worry was a huge part of my life as a child. I have always had a very vivid imagination and even my worries were colorful and often exaggerated. In all of my early schooling, I went to maybe 2 field trips, because I would work my self up so much over it that I would get sick and be unable to go.... My mom died when I was 13 and my dad died when I was 14. My 2 brothers and my sister who are older than me, shared the responsibility of one crazy teenage girl.

I ate through the loneliness and fear that I felt as a young woman, but it really didn't show on me til much later. I married a man when I was 24, that I knew I should not marry. He was not faithful and he treated me badly, but he had a mother and father that I adored and that knew my parents. That was so important to me. In the course of our 17 year marriage, we had two beautiful sons, his mother died, he continued to abuse me, I gained more than 100 pounds and I lost my soul.

Six years ago, with the help of my family and friends I left my husband, it was scary and crazy and straight up Jerry Springer at times, but I survived it. My home was nearly destroyed by Hurricane Rita and my 2 boys and I lived in a travel trailer for 15 months while my home was repaired. I began therapy, I lost about 80 pounds (still fat, but not huge), I met a wonderful man that I eventually married.

Things were going along pretty good, my husband and I learned how to blend our families, we got back into my beautiful home and then Hurricane Ike visited. I found that I quickly began to eat through the stress of having to go through this crap all over again, I had only been back in my home for 6 months, I felt sorry for myself, I did not want to do this again. I gained back 40 of the pounds I'd lost and now I'm back in my home it's more beautiful than before and I have lost my mojo as far as dieting goes. I can't seem to do it anymore, what's up with that? So, at the end of my rope again....in October I began the process to have lap band surgery. I'm still waiting on my surgery date and I really just can't wait. I started blogging, and have found a wonderful community among the women and men who share the same struggle. So, that's me in a nut shell. Thanks for reading and for encouraging me. I hope to have a date soon and to get on with the show.

Happy Monday!
Tess

Thank you for following!

Yippeee! I'm so excited that someone is reading. Thank you all for visiting. Still no news on the band front. I am in a holding pattern, the girl at the surgeon's office probably thinks I'm stalking her because I call nearly everyday to find out if they've heard from my insurance company or not. I'm so not in the mode to diet right now though, did that happen to anyone else? I'm like...pretty soon I won't be able to eat bread, better do it now. It's all so destructive. I want to be in a better place, but I'm just not right now. I hope I'll have a date to report real soon. Again, thanks for reading!
Tess

Mardi Gras Mambo!

I live in Southwest Louisiana and Mardi Gras is a big deal here. It's a hard time of year to diet and an even harder time of year to be a fat woman. First of all, Mardi Gras means Fat Tuesday in French, it is the season before lent, where you pretty much over indulge in preparation for the fasting of lent. So, my husband and I are in two Mardi Gras Krewes and seem to have something each weekend. In preparation for the first cocktail party of the season, I went to my closet to pull out the trusty black skirt and one of many festive blouses. My favorite gold one from last year, was less than comfortable. I knew I had gained a few from last year, but really, my arms looked like a couple of gold plated sausages. So, shopping I had to go. I got a really pretty top and felt like I looked pretty good. Then I go to the event and am surrounded by the lovely people, all in there perfect little black dresses, not a matronly outfit like me! I just thought to myself....this is the last time I'm going to be the fat one at this event. But, you know I've said that every year for the past 25 years. I pray that the band will be the tool to help me get to the point were I can feel comfortable in my clothes, and comfortable in my skin. I hope I get the call very soon with a surgery date. I'm encouraged by all of the blogs I read and feel like I've gotten such good information and inspiration. It's time to do this!!!! Thanks guys who are following. I really appreciate it, your comments mean a great deal to me and it really feels good to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

Happy Monday
Tess

PS
Fat Bastard (I really hate to even type that, it sounds so bad)
I keep trying to comment on your blog, but it never works. I like your posts and think the male perspective is interesting. Good luck to you.

Amy W's post really got me thinking!

I just finished reading Amy W's (cheese & Sunkist Amy) and she really got me thinking. Why am I so hard on myself? I am so much more forgiving of others and generally treat them better than I treat my self. I, like Amy am the queen of the "big girl" comments. I actually used to do stand up comedy and still do several speaking engagements a year. My normal routine is self deprecating and generally aimed at my big bottom. Last year I was the comedian at a big charity event in my town and my husband said he didn't really want to watch. I was so upset....why don't you want to support me? He said, I want to support you and I will be there, but it upsets me when you say ugly things about yourself. He said, I don't see you that way and others don't either. He is a wonderful man!

I talked to my therapist about it and he said....your husband is right. Self deprecating is for losers. I was like hey! He said when you start treating yourself with respect and dignity then everyone else will too. He probably has a point.

I am really going to work on that, and I'm going to work on believing that I'm really worth the effort to get myself to a healthier place. Kudos to Amy and all of you bloggers who really get us thinking! Happy weekend.

Tess

A Nancy Kerrigan moment....Why? Why?

So, last night I go to a paint class called "Lushes with Brushes." It's fun, a group of women get together with a painting instructor and some wine, you pay a fee and the instructor walks you step by step through a painting. At the end of the evening you leave with your painting. So, the girl who hosts the event each month posts a group shot on Facebook the next day. Today, I go to my Facebook page and see the photo, everyone is holding their painting, I'm strategically placed at the back of the group, not too bad. But then, the next photo is ME, full side view of me in all my glory and there is nothing I can do about it! I was so upset. How could she put that picture of me on there? Then it dawned on me, that is really what I look like, it wasn't just an unflattering angle, it was me. The hostess put it there, because it accurately portrayed me. I mean don't get me wrong, I know I'm fat, but I guess it's like the women who beat there kids in Walmart....you can justify it until the surveillance video is being played on the 6 o'clock news. Oy! I hate it when that happens!

Deep thoughts for my shallow mind!

The new year is always a time of reflection for me. Some years, I have felt like the year behind me was great and sometimes I have felt like...good riddance to that one. This year I'm having really mixed emotions. I feel excited at the prospects ahead of me. I'm so ready to be banded and when I read blogs of people who have been banded for a year or more, I get so excited. I want this so bad. I want for next New Year to be one that begins with a healthier me. Healthier body, healthier mind and spirit. I feel like the decision to have weight loss surgery has been a really hard one to make. I feel like, in some way, I'm selling out, cheating. But then I realize that I just can't do this alone. I am a great dieter. When I get my mojo, there is no stopping me. I have lost hundreds of pounds in the last 25 years. I, on the other hand, am a terrible maintainer. I feel like the moment I reach my goal or get to and acceptable more comfortable place, I just start packing the pounds on. But I'm ready to do this! I'm thankful that I have found a community of like minded women who share in this struggle. Thank you to all of the bloggers out there that have shared their stories and been so honest. I look so forward to seeing every one's progress and triumphs. Any way....Happy New Year. 2010 gonna try it again or 2010 finally thin!