The chicken or the egg?

I need some patience folks! So, if you have some...send it my way. I'm going through this phase right now that makes it hard for me to live and breathe in the moment. I'm very anxious about alot of things, particularly my ex-husband and my oldest son's relationship. It is strained to say the least and I'm proud of my son for standing up for himself, but I'm a nervous wreck about it. It pains me so to see my children hurting. I'm also wanting to see some results on the weight loss front at a quicker rate. I have found that I have a great deal of tightness that comes with stress and nerves. On Monday and Tuesday, I could barely eat an ounce of food at a time and was getting stuck left and right. I was scheduled for a fill next Tuesday but canceled it, because I was scared of being too tight right before I go on a mini trip. I'm hungrier now, but I'm not as stressed, either way, I think it was right to cancel the fill.

I have learned a few things about this lap band I call Pearl. I have learned first of all that I really like her. Secondly, that it is unrealistic to think that I can loose 100 pounds and never experience hunger. Some days I'm really hungry, but some days I'm not, just like other people who control their weight without a little tool to help. I have found that if I am hungry, it is generally because I'm not eating quality protein and drinking too soon after eating. So, just like in other areas of my life, I have come to the realization that if I do what I'm supposed to do, then success will eventually come my way....imagine that. I feel hope full about reaching my weight loss goals and although I am anxious, it's because I'm excited for what the future holds for me. It's difficult to imagine that I may actually live out the next part of my life as a thin person. Sometimes when I think about that and all that it entails, I get weepy. I've talked about this before, but I lived the first half of my life as a thin person and even though I didn't get obese until adulthood, it has affected me in so many ways. I have a Rolodex of painful incidents in my head of unkind words or acts, directed at me because of my weight, not my actions or my personality, but simply because of my size. I hate that I have let these events change me. When I was a young woman I was vibrant and full of hope for my future: did I change because I got fat? or did I get fat because I changed? The old which came first the chicken or the egg conundrum.

I hope a wonderful weekend is in store for everyone. Big Hug!
T

A short summary of my vacation

These are my two crazy sons, always goofing for the camera!

This is the view from my beach chair, it doesn't get much better than that!

And this is me, Ginger (my dearest friend) and Vickie! One of the highlights of my trip, was getting to meet her and her husband John! They were so much fun and I can't wait til Chicago!

Yes, it was a great vacation, one that ended too soon and then put me in the position of playing catch up at work all week, so excuse my absence from this blog and all of yours. I read every chance I get, but will likely never get caught up. I hope everyone is doing well, I miss you guys and will be back on schedule soon.

On the weight loss front, I'm holding at 27 pounds down. I didn't really lose anything last week, but I didn't gain anything on vacation, which I suppose is good. I was scheduled for a fill next Tuesday, but postponed it, as I'm still getting stuck every once in a while and think that I am at a good level of restriction right now.

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week, I'll post again when I can. Big Hug!

T

I'm back....

I'm back from vacation, it was wonderful, I got to meet Vickie, yay! And now I'm swamped!
So, when things simmer down a little I'll post and I'll try my best to catch up. If there's anything major I missed, please let me know!
Hugs,
T

BYOC

Mod Hair Ken (above), and his groovy pad (below), where he and
Barbie hung out on the deck listening to the hi-fy!

BYOC - Friday

1. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why? That's a hard one. I love living were I do, because of the proximity to family and my dearest friends. However, I would love to have a beach house in Seaside, Florida and a cool mountain get away, because it gets really hot in my neck of the woods.

2. How old were you when you got drunk the 1st time? Like really drunk...I guess about 16 or 17. The first really memorable drunk, I had several Long Island Iced Teas and proceeded to buy cowboy boots, they were $300. and I wore them out of the store, so when I sobered up and realized I really didn't want them, I couldn't return them.

3. What was your favorite toy growing up? I guess, my Barbie dream house. It was one of the toys that I wanted so badly and when I got it, I would just play for hours on end. I loved my Mod-Hair Ken too that I got that same Christmas.

4. What is your favorite season and why? I love the fall, well in the South, fall weather really doesn't kick in until late fall early winter. But I love that first cool snap and football season and getting to build a fire. Good times.

5. Repeat question: Which blog or comment spoke to you this week and why? All of your comments about my jerky ex husband really made me feel good. You guys are the best!

Happy Friday guys, I'm going on vacation this weekend, so I hope I don't miss out on too much.

Hugs.

T

My alter ego.

I've mentioned before that Tessie is my alter ego and my stage name. This is me as Tessie and my partner in crime, Babs. This is from the Gridiron Show were we do a really cheesy lounge singer act (think the Sweeney sisters from SNL). It is one of my most favorite things to do. I love to entertain and I am proof that you are what you eat, because I used to eat a lot of HAM!




And, this is me from "The Trip to Bountiful" a wonderful play I did about 3 years ago at one of our Community Theatres. I used to do lots of shows when I was younger, but since I had kids, I've found it really hard to commit the time to a show when I have so many other obligations. There are two roles that I would be willing to commit for and this was one of them, Jessie Mae is a total Bitch and she was wonderful to play. The other role that I've long wanted to play is Nurse Ratched in "One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest." When I did this show, as you can see, I had to wear a black silky nightgown for 1/2 of the show! Talk about stressful, I was so girdled in you could bounce a quarter of my ass from 30 feet away. I ran accross these pictures when I was cleaning some files off my computer at work today. One of the things that I really want from this journey is to be able to play any role that comes my way and not feel like I couldn't pull off the part, because of my weight. I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Have a great day
and thanks again for all of the support you gave me yesterday!
Hugs,
T

Thanks for making the bo bo better!

Thanks, you guys are really the best. Your insight is invaluable and your compassion is unheard of. I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you.
Big hug!
T

Long time, no post

I'm happy to report that I'm down 26 pounds. I'm finally getting used to this fill, there was a definite learning curve involved. I have to be careful, I've been stuck a few more times, but haven't PB'd. I have found that left over meat is a big no no.

It's been an exciting week in blog land, Drazil's big reveal, Amy W. getting up on a slalom ski, lots of soul searching and successes.


I'm going on vacation next week and guess who I get to meet?.....That's right Miss Vickie!
(http://thequeenbeeslapbandlife.blogspot.com/) I'm so excited!

Now, on to another note. I talked last week in my blog about not turning to food for comfort, but instead turning to people. Draz asked me if I knew what was bothering me, and I do. My ex-husband is a real turd, for lack of a better description, and he is taking me back to court some 5 years after our divorce, to reduce child support. He was a very abusive man and, I'm convinced that being mean to me and harassing me has always been his drug of choice, just like food was mine. Now, I fear that there is trouble in his current marriage and he is reverting to his old ways to comfort himself. You get the cycle. Anyway, our summer visitation is from Friday to Friday, but my vacation is Sunday to Sunday and now (although every summer before he was fine with a change) he has decided that we can only stick with what the court has set forth and he will not accept a change in the schedule. Of course I talked to him about it, before I booked and he was fine with the dates. I know this man and I know that if I take my kids and return on Sunday, that the cops will be waiting at my house when I get there (ala Jerry Freakin Springer)! So, I'm so stressed out about this. My husband gets frustrated with me, because he says that I still let the man affect me. I can't help it, I try really hard, but the man has hurt me in so many ways for a really long time. I was married to him for 17 years. I was afraid of him and spent most of my days on constant watch. I walked on egg shells, never knowing if the next thing I said was going to be the wrong thing. I am not the same woman that I was then. I know that with certainty and I live a life now that is safe and happy. I never dreamt that I could have the kind of life that I have now. I know that for the first couple of years after I left my first husband, I must have been experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, because my life with him was very much like war. My day to day maneuvers were like making my way through a mine field. When I look back on my life with him, it makes me extremely sad that I didn't care enough about myself to get out, it wasn't until he put my children in danger that I got serious and got us out of there. It makes me sad that I couldn't see how badly I was hurting my children to let them live that lifestyle too. It all makes me sad....and I hate that his bullying is having any affect on me at all. I especially hate that it has affected my current husband, who doesn't deserve to feel any of this. So, I don't know what to do, I am afraid of the way he will treat my kids when he doesn't get his way. It all just makes me sick. So, there you have it, my drama in a nutshell. I'm just waiting to here from my attorney and hopefully will find some solution.

I hope everyone has a great day, and thanks for all of your support and kindness, you mean so much to me.

Hugs,
T