There's something in the air.

And I don't like it! Maybe it's the let down of the post show rush, maybe it's the fact that the scale hasn't moved in a week, maybe it's because I feel bad for Draz and her flood, maybe her flood is making me remember my floods as I'm sitting in the middle of hurricane season again, maybe Carmen's post about her mom made me think of my own loss, maybe I'm worried about Amanda and all of her changes, maybe I'm worried about Chicago, maybe I'm worried about my friend Christy who's considering the lapband, maybe it's this, maybe it's that, maybe it's because I'm having growing pains. I think it's the latter. I've touched on this before, change is difficult for me. I've always dealt with things the way I deal, which for as long as I can remember has been with food or drink. Stress relief binging had become as much a part of me as the large backside it brought with it. I'm hormonal again (this too appears to be a recurring theme) and I want to find comfort in food. However, when I'm hormonal, I'm tight and I'm having trouble with food this week. I'm determined to eat well this week and just got my lunch at work, one bite and stuck. It makes me angry and makes me feel sorry for myself. So, as I sit here at my desk, hurting from being stuck, stomach growling with hunger, I realize something, I'm not having a binge on something that will go down, I'm writing about it. I suppose that could be considered progress.

I waffle quite a bit lately. I begin to think I have some issues ironed out, I start saying to myself : "Self....you're getting better everyday, you're not letting the scale rule your emotions, you're doing the right things and you know you'll eventually be rewarded for them!" Then, I have a morning like this one and the self talk is not quite as positive, it's like: "Self, why can't you get your act together, there must be some reason that your weight loss is so slow, this is going to be like all the other attempts, you'll fail, you may get to your goal, but you'll never stay there....history will repeat itself!"

I don't know how I got to this point, where I find it so difficult to be as kind to myself as I am to others. I think I'll probably never fully understand why I am the way I am, but I do think it's high time that I give myself a little credit. I would never hang out with someone who talked to me the way I talk to myself and I sure wouldn't treat my friends the way I treat myself. So, today I am making a commitment to clear the air with myself. For today, I will be nicer and more forgiving and I will believe in the process. Happy Hump Day!
Big Hug!
T

Boy am I tired! (REVISED)

The show is over, it was so much fun, but it kicked my butt! I'm trying to get caught up on every one's blogs. There's so much going on. Here is a link to watch a video from our local news about the show (OOPS! Evidently the link doesn't work, sorry but I'll post some pics soon!)

On the band front, my weight hasn't gone down in a week or so, but rehearsals and the show have had me cocktailing more than usual and eating differently. I'm not concerned, I know it will even out and if I keep on keeping on, the weight will continue to come off. I got stuck really bad Saturday night right before the show and then today at lunch, I had one bite of a Lean Cuisine and I'm still hurting, it's been more than an hour. I just don't get it, some days it's like I don't even have a band and some days I can barely eat without getting stuck. I'm still waffling about getting a fill. I don't want to be too tight, so although I'm hungrier than I want to be, I can handle it like it is, so...I'm just going to wait a while. If my weight loss doesn't pick up in the next couple of weeks, I guess I'll go in for another fill. I'm feeling good and got a ton of compliments this weekend during the show. I hope everyone has a great week.
Take care and big hug!
T

There's no business, like show business!

Well, rehearsals have been killing me, but tomorrow we will be in front of a live audience, and Saturday we will perform again. Then on Sunday the show will be over and I will be wondering what to do with my time all of a sudden. The show is going to be great, I'm so excited, and very busy....so...I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend as I'm sure I'll be away from blogland through the weekend. I loved all the comments on my Nutella post. I had no idea there were so many ways to serve the stuff, I laughed out loud. You guys are the best.

Hugs!

T

Truth in advertising!

Okay, so I keep seeing commercials for Nutella, this hazelnut spread that they say is nutritious and tastes good too. A couple of days ago, I'm at the grocery store and while I'm picking up peanut butter for the kids, I get a glimpse of said nutritious, yet tasty spread, so I put it in my basket.

Later, I get home and I'm unloading groceries, preparing dinner, all of those things and decide to have a look see....I open the jar, I notice the tantalizing aroma, I say to myself..."smells chocolaty!" I get a spoon, I take a bite.....HOLY SHITAKE MUSHROOMS! This is not a nutritious hazelnut spread, this is chocolate CRACK!! Two tablespoons=200 calories 100 of which come from fat, OMG! Today I had to throw it away, in the outside can, way down under other garbage so I wouldn't be tempted to dig through the trash for the chocolaty deliciousness. In the immortal words of Nancy Kerrigan....WHY? WHY? WHY?

I hope to someday get over this brief, but poignant brush with ecstasy!

Happy Tuesday!

Hugs,

T

Big Thank you and BYOC!

I am overwhelmed by the wonderful comments that you all left me yesterday. Thank you for your support and for letting me know that I'm not alone here. I can't say enough how thankful I am to have stumbled upon this community. You have enriched my life in so many ways. Thank you, thank you!

Now since it's Friday.....here's BYOC!

1. What's the oddest diet you have tried? Or, which ones have you tried and were any successful? Hmmm, I've tried them all. I've done Nutri-Systems, LA Weight loss, Shots, pills, potions, peanut butter, grapefruit, dexa-this, dexa that, speed this, speed that, starve this, shake that... you name it, I've done it! I have done Weight Watchers the most and with the most success, this last time, I lost 80 pounds and only gained back 50 before I got the band!
The worst one was the peanut butter and boiled egg diet, talk about intestinal unease!

2. Do you prefer baths or showers?
I like showers, unless I want to really relax, then I get in the jet tub with hot, hot water and become a prune.

3. What is your favorite breakfast food?
Well, my favorite is bacon, eggs and cheese grits....mmmmm!

4. What's your least favorite word?
When directed at me...NO!

5. Repeat question...make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?
Well, like I said earlier....all of you. When I wrote that post yesterday, I was feeling so alone and broken, your kind words of support and encouragement made me feel so much better. You made me realize that this is part of the process, the "growing pains" if you will. Thank you a thousand times over.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Big Hug!
T

I lost my mind last night

Do you think that's where the 2 pounds came from? I'm glad to report a total of 32 down!

However, I think it has come at a real cost, I lost my mind last night and my poor husband is the one who got the brunt of my melt down. The melt down I speak of was of epic proportions. Today I'm super sad about it.

Life changing experiences such as weight loss surgery don't come with out a cost. Since my surgery I have to say that I'm not as easy going as I was prior to surgery. I have found that really feeling the way you feel, rather than anaesthetising with food, is difficult for all involved. I have never been particularly good at asking for what I need from people. And because of that, I sometimes don't get my needs met. What's worse is that no one but me knows that I'm feeling unsatisfied, so when I finally reach my threshold and break down, everyone in my wake is left wondering what the hell just happened. How could anyone know the way I'm feeling if I don't tell them? How could you know what struggles I'm having if I internalize each one of them? How could you possibly know that I'm hurting if I spend most of my day smiling and saying everything is fine? How can I hurt the people that I love the most? How can it be that with each pound I lose I'm feeling more and more exposed, more vulnerable than ever before? How can you take back something said in anger?

Change is never easy for me. I'm scared. I don't like feeling out of control and sadly I have trouble trusting others. I don't like having to depend on anyone but yet I want to have people take care of me. Today it has become painfully evident to me that there are things about me that are broken. I've spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to fix those things. I have made some real progress emotionally, but I'm not where I need to be. How can I become the woman I want to be when I don't know who that woman is? And how can I change things about myself when I've yet to discover why I am the way I am?

There is so much to think about. I really thought that I was prepared for the changes that would come with this lap band. I did my research, I read blog after blog, but I just don't think I was prepared for the "realness" of the band. I know that makes no sense, but what I'm trying to say is that, I've lost way more weight than this before, but each time before, it was temporary and I knew it. I knew that although I had my mojo at the moment, chances were good that history would repeat itself and I would gain back most of the weight I'd lost, if not all. This is the first time that no matter how uncomfortable the process is becoming for me, I see that it is real, that it can really happen, that I can come out on the other side of this thin. That's a great thought, but also a scary one. I don't know how to be a thin person. As I'm losing more weight, and getting compliments, it feels good, but it also comes with this uncomfortable feeling. What if I don't like what comes out on the other side? What if my husband doesn't like me then? What if my friends don't like me? What if? What if ? WTF?

Enough of that. I'm sorry for my rant. I feel better now for having gotten it out. I'm still worried, still feeling bad about losing my mind last night, but ever thankful for all of you who support me on this journey in spite of my craziness.

Big Hug!

T

My first real battle with head hunger!

Well, certainly not my first battle, but my first real struggle since being banded. All day yesterday, I was in the mood to mindlessly eat. Visions of yummy foods kept popping into my head, unannounced and uninvited. It was a struggle all day to keep from running to the store for a snack. Then, last night, I was really hungry at rehearsal and by the time I got home I was headache hungry and a bit anxious about what to eat. I decided to fix a half of a grilled cheese sandwich one ounce of chips and some watermelon. I started making my sandwich and popped a piece of crust in my mouth. Wouldn't you know it, stuck! I was stuck for about 20 minutes and then got a terrible case of the hiccups. So, it was another 30 minutes or so before I could eat. Once I had eaten, I wanted something sweet, this is the first time since banding that I have really just wanted something sweet. I think it's because I've had quite a bit of fresh fruit in the last couple of days and fruit tends to make me hungry, especially for something more sweet. So, I ate an Oreo. Yes....you heard it I ate AN Oreo, as in ONE! I have to call that a victory, no matter how I slice it. I have never in my 47 years eaten one cookie, at least not that I can remember. One cookie was always followed by more and then by the inevitable wave of remorse, guilt and self loathing. You know, the cookie was good. I'm glad I had it, it satisfied that nagging need for a little sweet. And then, guess what happened? I watched a little TV, brushed my teeth, washed my face and went to bed. I didn't even give it another thought. I didn't dream about drowning in Oreos. I didn't cry myself to sleep. And, when I woke up this morning, it was not the first thing that popped into my head. I wonder if this is what normal people experience when they want a cookie? Truly amazing. Have I told you lately that I love my band?

Happy Tuesday folks.

Big Hug,

T