A quick hello and pics from the weekend.

Me and my two crazy sons!

My oldest son and his girlfriend.

My youngest son, you know...the one my Mom was talking about when she said, "I hope you have one just like you someday!" Silly boy.

I had a nice weekend with my boys. My husband was deer hunting and, since my boys will be with there dad next week, we celebrated my oldest son's 17th birthday with a nice dinner. We had a really nice time and some great food. My boys are so funny, they keep me amused and it really made me happy to spend time with them.

Things are going well on the band front. My weight hasn't changed, but, today I'm wearing a size 16 jeans. I have had them in my closet for 4 1/2 years. And this is the weirdest thing... on Saturday my boys and I were shopping and we were at this store and I passed by a mirror, I said quick boys, come see, it's one of those trick mirrors, it makes me look skinny. My boys came over and they said, it's a normal mirror mom. I looked again and I swear it didn't look like me. I was stunned. I'm going to have to call that an NSV of sorts.

Tomorrow I'm going to post our family Christmas card and last years card. I really can see a difference in that picture. I hope everyone has a great day!

Big Hugs,

T

BYOC Friday

Draz's BYOC

DISCLAIMER: First of all, I can't make the text normal on this, I don't know what Draz does but all that highlighting doesn't transfer well, so....because I'm slightly OCD, it is important that you know that I am not purposely having some text highlighted and different sizes. Okay, now, let's move on!

If you are new, you can find Draz at http://justmedrazil.blogspot.com/

1. It is negative degrees here. Today I drove 35 all the way to work because I followed a snowplow who was also salting the roads. It's too cold to even go sledding or ice skating. The weather is downright nasty. It's freaking Winter alright? Why then – may I ask – when driving home last night did I see not one, but two MEN – driving big "I'm a man with a small penis so I drive this HUGE truck with deer antlers on the front and playboy mud flaps and mufflers coming out of the box" trucks with their windows OPEN? Why do men do that?

Men do that, because they are bundled up like Eskimos and don't have enough sense to take off the jacket, also because many of them smell bad, that mixed with the heater in the truck…not good! Women on the other hand know how to layer and smell good!


2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight? Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? No, I have no idea why I thought of this but it crossed my mind and now I want to know. I love that little man. I want to get my fingers tangled in that hornet's nest of hair he has. I think I'd feel better about life if I knew Richard wasn't alone. But then again – who on Earth could tolerate that voice every day of their lives? So tell me – does anyone know Richard's situation? I must know. I could google it but thought this would be more fun.

Richard Simmons is definitely gay, I feel certain that he is not alone, he has an entourage of equally annoying men who lay out his gym shorts for him in the morning and poof his little fro for him before and after exercise. He also lives with his mother or someone's mother and at least 3 tea cup Chihuahuas.

3. What's your favorite Cmas song?

I love "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree" and "Oh, Holy Night!"

4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie?

I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life" so, you can sue me!

And as soon as I kick Draz's ass, I'll tell you that, "That Ralphie Movie" is a classic and I love it as much as I love "Christmas Vacation!"

5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He's convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I've heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he's applying for are not even in the financial industry?

In the last 3 businesses I've been in, the credit score was not a valuable tool, however I know of many people who use it and say it's the best indicator of work ethic. I don't know.

Thank you for your comments.

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments on my blog yesterday about change. You make me feel a level of acceptance that I haven't had in a while. It means so much to me to know that you care about what I have to say and that you get me. These are the kinds of things that I can't expect my friends to understand, because they don't know what it's like to be big and the changes that I'm going through. I don't know what I would do without you. And, by the way, my husband reads my blog sometimes too, you guys are going to give him a big head! Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him. I have never met a man who tries so hard to give me what I need, he is my rock.

Again, thank you all for your kindness and support!
Big Hugs!
T

Change is hard

Okay, time for frank discussion from a woman on the "losing side." Things are changing and they are staying the same.

Here are the things that are changing:

• my size


• the way people view me


• my clothes


• my attitude at times


• my eating habits


• my weight

Now here are the things that are staying the same:

• my view of my self


• my feelings of insecurity


• my attitude at times


• my need to be liked

I've blogged before about how difficult it is to deal with the changes of weight loss, particularly when you find it difficult to see much change in yourself. Recently, people have been complimenting me and telling me how they can really tell that I've lost weight. I know that I have lost weight, I've seen the number on the scale, I see the change in my clothes and all, but when I look in the mirror, I really don't see much difference from when I started. It's the curse that I suppose allowed me to get morbidly obese, to really not see yourself for what you are. I used to think I looked okay when I looked in the mirror, if my makeup was right and my hair was fixed, I would leave the house feeling good about myself until I would see a picture from that day or my reflection when I wasn't expecting it. When I would see my reflection, I would be stunned by my size and overwhelmed with this feeling of disbelief. Now, when I get ready, if my make up is right and my hair is fixed, I leave the house feeling good about myself, people say nice things to me, as they did 50 pounds ago. I go about my day feeling the same for the most part and still feeling the same size. I feel like, 50 pounds has made quite a difference in me and at the same time none at all. Sometimes, when I'm walking up to a store, I see my reflection and it catches me by surprise, I am shocked, that I don't look like the biggest person around. It's really difficult to reconcile these changes in my body with the lack of change in my brain.

Last night my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation. He told me that I needed to change the way I think about myself and the way I talk about myself. He said that every conversation eventually makes its way around to me being the fat girl and that it upsets him, because he doesn't see me that way and neither do our friends. It's hard to explain to him or to anyone what it's like to live a great portion of your life a particular way and then suddenly be expected to change. As a very overweight woman, I was painfully aware of my place in the world. I always made jokes about myself and my weight, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't aware of my situation and I wanted to ease the tension by allowing people to laugh with me rather than at me. I felt overlooked on a daily basis. I felt out of control and I felt out of touch with my own femininity. There were moments when I felt so ashamed of myself because I had let myself get so big, there were moments when I felt that my only comfort could come from food, and that no person could truly understand what it was like to live inside my body and inside my head.

My life was punctuated by moments of hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and invisibility: from my first husband who said and did hurtful, demeaning things to me and repeatedly betrayed me. To friends, who after my marriage ended ,wanted to see me stay locked in my prison of fat and self doubt, because that was the most comfortable place for them to keep me. There were new relationships, where I tried to step out of my comfort zone and trust and things didn't turn out so well. So, now, as I'm making my way through this process of change, I find that I'm still chained to some of my old ways of thinking.

Sometimes, I look at the way my life is now and I still feel unworthy. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I want to be attractive to him. I want to be interesting to him, but I guess what I need most right now is to be attractive to me and interesting to me. I am so out of touch with the person that I used to be and with the person that I want to be. Change really is hard.

But it is Wednesday....Big hugs!

T

I'm half way there!

I'm so excited, I'm half way to my goal. 50 down and 50 to go! Yeee haw! Had a very busy weekend, another one to come. I'm so thankful for my band and I'm really starting to believe that this can happen for me.

Speaking of my band and how thankful I am, our very own Sally who has been such and inspiration to me, has had and emergency surgery to remove her lap band. Sally has been extremely successful in her weight loss and is always willing to lend support and give good information. Her blog was one of the first ones I started following and she responded to long e-mails from me full of questions. I hope you will all lift Sally up in your thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what she must be going through. Losing the band is a huge fear of most bandsters. But, I know that if anyone can maintain a loss without the band, Sally can! I'm sure she will use this as an opportunity to share her knowledge once again.

I hope everyone has a great day.

Big Hugs,

T

Holy Cow!

Well, when I break a scale hiatus, I really break it. I couldn't help myself....I weighed this morning, and I'm down 2 more. I am one pound away from 50 down, I can't believe it. It feels good though and I'll take it! I'm in a really good place with my band right now. I feel very satisfied when I eat and it holds me for at least 3 hours sometimes more, depending on what I ate. For instance, we went to an Italian restaurant for my son's birthday last night. I had about 5 pieces of calamari and 1 1/2 meatballs. I ate at about 5:30 or 6 and when I went home and did housework I was shocked at the fact that when I got in bed at 11:00 I was still satisfied, that's amazing.

I have a very busy weekend, tonight is my office Christmas party, it's at my house and tomorrow is another party at my house for an organization I'm in. So many parties, so little time. Have a great weekend guys. Big Hugs!
T

An emotional sponge!

That's me. I'm once again having difficulty with change and my overall attitude and demeanor. I feel better about myself, but my self esteem is still wounded, that coupled with the fact that I appear to be confident, make for a big ol mess! When I'm feeling hurt or angry or even just stupid about something, I always lash out irrationally at those who want me to be happy the most. I hate that about myself and although I have gotten better in some areas I really struggle with this. I don't want to hurt those that I love the most and I don't want my bad behavior to be a burden on my family. It is ridiculous for me to expect some of the things that I expect and I know that I'm setting myself up for failure. Sometimes I just don't make it very easy to love me. I need to work on my core and not just the core that is affected by sit ups!

Big hugs!

T