It's not okay to be mean...

All the talk in blog land about the Marie Claire blog, "Should Fatties Get a Room?" has just got me really bothered. I was really upset by the article when I read it. I was upset by the hurt that came through in so many of the comments and upset by the hate that came through in many more. In a world of social conscience and political correctness, how can it still be okay to discriminate against the overweight?

I was not an overweight youngster or teenager, so I can only imagine the pain that being ridiculed for your weight can cause a young child. I gained my weight at 25, as an adult. But as a woman who has been varying degrees of fat for the last 23 years, I have experience prejudice and cruelty, because of my weight. I do know that pain. This is something that I rarely talk about and really don't want people to know about. Hell, I'm guilty as well. I berate myself, I have been crueler to myself about my fat than I would ever tolerate from another.

The woman who wrote that article for Marie Claire, said that she has struggled with body image issues and recovered from anorexia. This woman has the same issues as I do, but they have manifested themselves differently. I remember when my weight first started spiraling out of control, when years of binging and starving finally caught up with me. I remember trying to make myself vomit, I remember trying to get past the sick feeling of hunger and get to the powerful feeling...I wanted another eating disorder than the one I had, because I felt like a failure even in my sickness. I felt like, at least the ones who are starving to death or puking til their teeth fall out get the help they need. Couldn't anyone see that we were all crazy? Couldn't anyone see that we were all dying, just a different type of death? Couldn't anyone just look at me and see that no one would choose to be this? Couldn't anyone besides me realize that the way I chose to kill myself was slow and painful....one bite at a time? Couldn't I just get skinny and well at the same time? Couldn't I just stay at my goal weight for more than an hour, just this once? Couldn't my therapist stop telling me that it's not about the food? Couldn't people just see that I am the same person, regardless of the coating around me? Couldn't this, couldn't that?

So much of my life has been spent obsessing about my issues with food, my weight, my body image. I have wasted so much of my life. It's painful being fat, I have a list of moments etched into my brain, moments were people have been cruel or moments when you realize, that even though you're the biggest thing in the room...you're invisible. I remember one incident particularly well, one of those defining moments. I was in the construction business, and we were doing a big project at a casino. One of my employees had broken a saw and needed me to bring another one to the job site. I got it and wrestled it to my car, this is a big saw, a sliding chop saw. And, I'm in a dress mind you, I pull up to the casino (it's a riverboat) and they won't let me drive over the bridge area to get close, so I call my employee to come with a cart. I can't reach him and I have to be at a sales meeting with a potential customer soon after this. So, I decide to try to carry the saw. I get it out of the car and I start hauling it. As I'm walking across the area, there are about 15 men eating or smoking off to the side and not a single one of them offered to help me. By the time I got half way there, my employee called me back and then came to meet me, he took the saw and looked at me and said, I can't believe no one over there helped you. I couldn't even respond. When I was walking back to my car I saw 2 of the men hop up to open the door for a skinny woman who was walking up carrying a poster board. When I got to my car, I cried and I cried. Never before had it been so clear to me what the world really thought of me. The world, that didn't know me, the world that did not give me the opportunity to talk my way into their hearts, the real world...and it sucked!

The woman who wrote this article said that she thought people of all sizes and shapes should be represented on TV in in magazines, but that the couple on Mike and Molly weren't just overweight, but morbidly obese (more than 100 pounds overweight) and that it was time to address how unhealthy that is. I know it is not healthy to be 100 pounds overweight, been there! But I also know that it is not healthy to be Anorexic or Bulimic. I also know that everyone, regardless of size, deserves to feel loved and respected.

The other thing she said that really pissed me off was; that if someone wanted to know how to lose weight, that she'd be happy to give them some healthy eating and exercise tips! Really? I know how to lose weight, always have, but knowing and doing are quite different. Just as I'm sure she knew how to not starve herself, but couldn't quit doing it. I guess what upsets me the most about the prejudices that accompany being fat is that often times people think if you're fat, you're lazy, stupid and weak. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy and I'm certainly not weak! I know how to lose weight! You know, my husband uses tobacco, he knows it's bad for him, he knows he should stop, but he can't right now, does that make him lazy, stupid or weak? No, he's a hard worker, he's smart and strong, but he's addicted to tobacco. I know lots of people who have addictions and other issues, who are not stupid, lazy or weak, but troubled and addicted.

All I know for sure is that, my relationship with food for the past 30 years has been less than healthy and I no longer want to live the way I have been living. I don't want to be fat, I'm glad I got a tool to help me in my struggle to level the playing field in my fight against obesity. Do I think that suddenly when I'm thin I'll be smarter, stronger, less lazy? Do I think that I'll be a better person because I can shop in a normal store? I have mixed emotions when I think about what my life will be like as a "normal" sized woman. Sometimes I still get angry when I think about the way people have judged me without even knowing me. I hope I enjoy being there when I get there, but I don't know if I will.

All I do know is that I'm glad it's Friday and I'm glad I've got you guys!
Happy weekend.
Big Hugs!
T

Spooky....

I'm having so much fun playing with picnick.com! Thanks Jen for showing us this sight. I'm so excited to have a new toy to play with.

And, thank you all for the wonderful comments about my comparison photos yesterday. Everyone was so sweet. It was really hard to put that awful picture of myself out there. But, it's me. I'm not ashamed of where I've been, I'm just glad I'm on my way out. I had to laugh when people said that I didn't look like I had 53 pounds left to loose. It's because I was doing the Amy W. pose, it takes at least 10 pounds off of a girl, unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to comfortably stay in that position all day!

I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support base. Thank you for all that you are to me!
Big Hugs and spooky stuff!
T

Jen, it really worked!

Before and During: Left me at my highest weight, ugh!

Right me, minus 77 pounds since highest, 43 since surgery!

Thanks Jen for the tutorial on the side by side comparison photos. I found this old, awful picture of myself tucked away with my Weight Watchers books. It really makes me sad to look at it and even sadder to have lived it. But, it is good to look at how far I've come, that makes me feel great about myself. I can only imagine how great I'll feel when I lose 53 more pounds to get to my goal weight. I mean, 53 pounds sounds doable to me, it's been so long since I didn't need to loose 100. I love my band! What an exciting time in my life! Thanks for sharing the journey with me! Big Hugs!!!

T

It's HOT!

OMG, our A/C went out at work today, this morning at around 10, they are replacing it but not until tomorrow. It is 87 today and very humid. I'm melting!!! And, I'm gonna smell like a marathon runner when I get home. Oy!
Hope you are having a cooler one than me!
Big Hugs,
T

Monday's child is fair of face...

Monday's child might be fair of face, but Monday's woman can't keep the pace. I had a wonderful weekend, but not one with much time to rest. I don't know why I can't get more rest in on the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love social activities, but I also love a good nap on a Sunday afternoon.

Friday, my son had a middle school dance, so I had to bring him and pick him up, so not much else took place, no cocktail, when you have to tote kids around. Saturday, we went to a wonderful cocktail party and then to a friends house for a little more cocktail. I was having a bad food day, so I was sick several times during the day, wine went down fine though, so Sunday...a bit of a headache!

Then on Sunday my husband and I took the boat out and went fishing. Well, he fished, I just made myself a comfy spot, and relaxed enjoying the fresh air and sunshine and picked animals out of the clouds. I love gazing at the clouds and identifying shapes in them. Then we went home, did lots of laundry and went for a lovely dinner at our neighbor's house, we sat on the porch with a cocktail and enjoyed the sunset over the bayou, that's the picture above. I love living in the South, being close to the water. I recharges my battery to spend time in such a beautiful relaxing environment. I attempted to eat the wonderful food, but no could do! I don't understand my band sometimes. The whole weekend it was so tight that I was miserable. Today, I think I could eat my shoe. What gives?

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and a great week ahead! Big Hugs!

T

Red Hot Chili Peppers- Scar tissue

Yeah, no hernia, just some scar tissue. It was quite interesting when I went for the ultrasound yesterday. The tech asked me to show her where on my abdomen I felt the area in question. I lifted my shirt and showed her, she saw my scars and said, "so you had surgery?" My reply, "yes almost 7 months ago." She starts with the ultrasound and suddenly this look comes accross her face and she's trying to look calm, I can tell. She moves the wand several different ways, she turns the screen away from me, then she finally says, "what kind of surgery did you have?" I said, "I have a Lap Band." She then makes a huge sigh and says,"Thank God, I thought they left something in there after surgery!" It was funny and then the Radiologist came in and looked too, my port was cool looking and she said she's glad to know how well it shows up on ultrasound, because they usually do fills under x-ray when they have trouble locating a port, but she said this would be so much easier. Hmmm. Anyway, my port was attached perfectly flat on my abdominal wall and there was no scar tissue on my abdominal wall, actually it was between the fat layers and the muscle. Strange, but I'm glad it's nothing.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Big Hugs!

T

My band is kickin....

Like Chuck Norris!

That's right! I'm down another 3 pounds!! That makes 43 down!! For the scale to suddenly decide to move is an amazing thing for me. I had pretty much resigned myself to the snail's pace that had been the status quo. But....I gladly welcome the change. I have read on many blogs that bandsters report suddenly losing again, it's like your body decides it's not actually starving and is willing to give up some of the fat stores. Thank you Lord!

Date night was great, as always! I'm stunned that today is already Thursday, how does that happen? I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Big Hugs!!!

T