My Royal Weekend!

Well, I have lots of pictures to share from the weekend. My big secret was that I was a Duchess in one of our Mardi Gras Krewes and it's a secret right up until the presentation. I work for a trucking company, so my group dressed as truckers and truck stop personnel. It was fun. I wish I'd felt a little better, I've still got the crud, but I still had a great time. Enjoy the pics.

Some of the guys and my hubby dressed as truckers.

Some of the girls.

More of the girls.

Duchess Angelica XXVIII and Duke Andrew XXVII

sound very official doesn't it?

The King & Queen

My Duke and I as we entered the ball room.

This is our official picture that was in the program

And this was back in October at the Captain's toast when we found out

who all was on the Royal Court.

I have so much blog reading to do to catch up from my long weekend. I hope everyone has a great day.

Big Hugs,

T

Double Nickle Baby!

55 down as of this morning! What a great feeling, although I don't really see much of a difference, from 50 down, but I'll take it. People have really been complimenting me lately on my weight loss so maybe others can see it. In any case, I'm here at 211 meaning I have 45 pounds to get to my goal. Being over half way there feels good to me.



In other news, I have the crud and feel like crap. This happens to be on the eve of a really big night for me (remember the Mardi Gras secret?) I'll tell you all about it on Monday. So, all of you send me your feel good vibes, I want to enjoy the night.



Things weighing on my mind today: Lori at LD Swims is having some issues with her band and will likely have to have it removed. That is a huge fear for me and I really hope the everything works out for her! Today Shrinking Mommy has gall bladder surgery. So keep these bloggers in your thoughts. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Thanks for all the support!
Giant Hugs,
T

The man in the shed...

Many of you follow my husband's blog , so I don't have to tell you that he's a funny guy. His blog today about the Man Shed was particularly funny to me, especially when he commented on my subtle hints when he spends too much time in his shed. He is a good man and a wonderful husband to me, even when I'm all Lifetime televisioned up with the drama. And I know that he needs his space, on most days I'm glad he has a place to go and unwind. One of the things about John is that he is very good at articulating his feelings, I mean for a man, and he has helped me in that area as well. I was married to a really needy man before and John is anything but that. My ex couldn't do anything with out consulting with me first. When I married John, I mistook his manly ways for aloofness. I felt that since he wasn't following me everywhere, that he must not love me. When in fact he loves me enough to let me become the person that I want to be. He encourages me to do theatre projects,the variety show I do in the summer, even if it's a logistics nightmare with all of our kids, he encourages me to explore my artistic talents and he's proud of me when I do my thing.

When I fell in love with John, I had never experienced a mature love before, not one that was based on respect and mutual admiration. I was in a very broken marriage and so I spent the greater part of the first half of my marriage to John, second guessing him and waiting for the other shoe to fall. I spent a lot of time and money on therapy trying to heal some of my brokenness so that I wouldn't lose this second chance that I'd been given.

The man is infinitely more patient with me than I am with him. When I talk to him about something that's bothering me, he doesn't get defensive, he listens before he talks (unlike his wife!) We have only been married for four years, but I can't imagine being married to anyone else. I feel like we've been together forever. That's the way it should be. I'm a lucky woman.

Big Hugs!
T

It's definitely Monday!

Hi guys. I had a good weekend, lots of activity and fun times. And then, today I'm back at work, trying to stay focused, when I get an e-mail from the girl in my Attorney's office. My ex-husband is being a real jerk, still fighting over child support issues and well, it just really makes sad. He just sues me for everything and now is trying to hold me in contempt for something that is just plain stupid, but, stupid or not... I still have to pay a lawyer to take care of it and it still stresses me the hell out! I hate when things like this happen, I get stressed I get tight and I get stressed and I want to eat, it's not a very good combination.

On a happier note, this coming weekend is a big Mardi Gras event, one that I have had to keep secret. I will share with you what it is when it's over. I'm getting nervous and excited. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I did, it was very busy. I'm ready for a little down time. Take care.
Big Hugs!
T

I feel validated

I do! Thanks to all of you. It's nice to know that my struggles and insecurities are not mine alone. I love it when a reader says they feel the same way about something as I do. It's nice to feel so much support. There seams to be a commonality among women and men who have weight loss surgery. I think that it's a pretty drastic solution to a struggle that must certainly be very long standing, in order to get to the point of surgery. That is certainly the case with me. Years and years of yo yo dieting, feeling helpless, hungry, angry and just plain tired of doing something that I knew would lead me right back down the same path as before. I can't adequately express how liberating it feels to believe for once that reaching a healthy goal weight and staying there is a real possibility.

Although I have been feeling exposed as I talked about in my last couple of posts, I realize that these changes that I'm experiencing are normal and the discomfort is a necessary part of personal growth. I want to incorporate all of the physical and emotional changes I'm experiencing and ultimately emerge as a stronger more confident version of myself.

I know I have much work to do and a long way to go. I'm glad I don't have to go it alone. Again, thanks for sharing the journey with me. It's Friday folks, another weekend of Mardi Gras Madness, I'll share details on Monday!

Big Hugs!
T

Exposed part 2

Thank you for the wonderful comments from yesterday's post. I'm feeling better today and I truly appreciate all the insight that you have given me. I know I'm not alone here and it means so much to me. Even my hubby mentioned my drama in his blog today!

After reading your comments, I started really thinking about why I'm feeling the way I am and why the changes in me can be perceived as negative. Here are a few of my thoughts on the matter:

• When I was really big, I was much more of a people pleaser. It was very important to me that people like me. Now, I still want to be liked, but I feel like if someone doesn't, it's not the end of the world.
• When I was really big, I was more over-the-top. I always felt like I had to grab people's attention right away and keep them wowed with my wit and charm so that they would somehow miss out on the fact that I was huge!
• When I was really big, everything was really big...my earrings, my hand bags, I had a bit of a shock factor I suppose, even when I look back at pictures of myself, I realize that I'm being goofy in nearly every picture. I don't feel the need to be the clown now. Now I think I blend in better.
• When I was really big, I felt it my duty to be on point and funny at all times, now I think I'm still funny, but when I'm not in the mood to be the "life of the party" well then, I'm just not.

After writing this, I realize that I really have changed. I think perhaps now, I'm a little truer to myself. I'm excavating the real me. It's not easy for me and I'm certain that It's not easy for the people around me. It's all a learning process. I feel very fortunate that I have you all for support and guidance. To those who've been through this stage and for those who are approaching this stage, it's nice to know we are in this together.

Have a great day !

Big Hugs!

T

Feeling Exposed!

That's right! I've been noticing lately that the thinner I get, the thinner skinned I get too. Getting banded, losing weight, learning to cope with stress without being able to binge has been a very difficult and challenging part of this journey. This is something that I thought I was prepared for, but I suppose I really wasn't.

I find that my feelings get hurt even more easily than before and that can be bad for those around me, as I am very tender-hearted to begin with. I've always cried easily too, now I find that I don't cry about the same things I used to cry about, now I cry about things that are more personal, rather than a commercial or a greeting card. Not that I'm any less touched by those things, but it seams that I have a little more control over those emotions, however, when it's personal I get hurt more easily.

Now here's the hard part for me. As I get smaller, I feel exposed, less protected than I did before. I take things more personally, I feel paranoid that people are talking about me negatively, that they are judging me. I feel like I've lost a layer of protection from the cruel world. My excuse for everything has been my eating disorder, my fat, all those things that have held me back. Slowly those things are changing. Change is hard.

Last night I had a friend tell me that I've changed, that I am not the person I used to be, that I used to be full of life, spontaneous and fun and always ready to go at a moment's notice. This friend and I go way back, we have been friends through some really difficult times in my life, my divorce, 2 storms, and the consequent displacement, the blending of mine and my husband's families. I have changed. Those things change a person. I'm different too, in that I no longer have my go-to stress relief, the almighty binge, my thick and thin forever friend is no longer my companion. I have had to learn how to cope without it and not replace that with something else destructive. It has been hard and I guess my friend is right. I'm not the same as I once was. How do I learn to incorporate this change in me? How do I salvage relationships that are dear to me without sacrificing myself? How do I become the person that I've been avoiding for so long? How can you be assured that people will still love the you that comes out on the other side of this journey?

I keep saying it, but change is hard.

On a lighter note, it is Wednesday, halfway through the work week.
Big Hugs!
T