I'm still alive....

Yep, still alive, but certainly not blogging.  Every morning when I get to work, I sit at my desk, I check my email, then I got to blogger and catch up, then I go to write a post....and nothing.....I got nothing.  I've been super busy with my kids and football season.  Oh....and "The Voice" is back on, so I've been tuning in to see Adam, mostly out of respect for his intellect and musical abilities, and ....

 

well, yeah...that's it.  I love him for his mind!

I just love this show and now that I heard Christina is not coming back next season, I'm already looking forward to the next one, lol!

I read your blogs, I comment sometimes, my weight is still the same.  Some days I feel pretty good about myself, some days I feel like a cow.  So, yeah not much has changed.  I still haven't magically gotten a good dose of mojo.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive. 

Take care y'all!
Big Hugs,
T

Dodged a bullet!

Hey guys! Issac didn't really touch my part of the state.  We are safe and sound.  We experienced some wind but barely any rain.  Our kids got 2 days off school...hurrication id what we call it here.  Now you know why we start school so early here.  I saw on FB that Vicky was safe, they are still without power, but the rain and wind had eased up enough so that they were able to open up the house.  My heart goes out to the people who's homes were destroyed.  The force of Nature is amazing and so unpredictable.  I hope all of you are well.
Take care....
Big Hugs!
T

Quick Update:

First of all, thank you so much to my blogger friends who have reached out and checked on me! You are so very sweet....Camela, Stephanie, Jacquie and Carmen to name a few! I so appreciate you thinking of me and my family!

 

Right now I'm doing fine, but poor Vicky is getting hammered right now and has been without power since yesterday.  I'm in the Southwest corner of the state, so we are still waiting to see what the effects of this storm will be.  I got this picture in a text message yesterday...so appropriate when you're in the path of a storm trying to figure out what to do. 

 

 

I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm safe and to thank you for your concern. I will update you as soon as I know what's going to happen.  I'm at work today, but school has been canceled and I'm sure it will be tomorrow too.  As I wait to see what's in store for us, I can't help but remember what things were like 7 years ago.  We watched in disbelief as Katrina destroyed New Orleans and so many lives were lost.  Then a month later, all Hell broke loose for me with Rita. We spend so much of our lives trying to be in control, it only takes a moment like this to point out, that we really have very little control.  I pray for the safety of those in the middle of this chaos and pray for the safety of my family as well.  I'm grateful that we have the technology to be warned ahead of time and that we have the resources to get out of harm's way if need be. 

Again, thank you for your concern, it warms my heart. 
Big Hugs,
T

What's keeping me from my goal?

This morning when I searched for a picture to illustrate my struggle of the moment.  I found this one and boy was it appropriate.  For months, I've been standing in a small spot, staring at my goal, wishing, hoping, praying for the piece of the puzzle that might get me there....and all the while....holding that piece in my own hand! Oh the irony.  What is it that's stopping me.  I mean REALLY? What is it? 

I've done a lot of soul searching, what am I really afraid of? I must be afraid of something, because my past indicates that when I haven't done something that I wanted to do, it was fear that stopped me.  So, what about being at a healthy weight could possibly scare me?  Here are some things that pop into my head....things that in the past really did hinder me:

• Fear of failing.
• Fear of the unknown, like...what if I don't like myself as a thin person, what if others don't like me, what if my skin is so nasty I'd rather be fat?
• Fear of attention from men.  (this one sounds really stupid, but this was a big issue when I was in my last marriage.  Because I was so unhappy, the least bit of attention from men, made me nervous. I think that my fat helped keep me married for as long as I was) I'm in a happy marriage now, so what's my problem?
• Fear of gaining the weight back. (That's because, it was always inevitable before)
• Fear of unearthing a beast under all that flesh!...I joke about it all the time, but I've always felt like God knew what he was doing when he put me in this body, if I was a knock out, I'd probably go half- naked to pick my kids up at school! LOL!
• Fear of being unable to maintain the weight I choose for my goal.  This one is based on past experience as well.
• Fear of being ordinary. (again, this sounds stupid, but I'm used to being one of the biggest people in the room. I stand out, if I want to or not.)
• Fear that those last 30 won't really make that much of a difference.  This is one that I really struggle with.  No one even noticed my weight loss until I was down 50 pounds.  I would see people I hadn't seen in a while and they would ask if  my hair was different, or something like that, but really....it was 50 pounds before people noticed, it was 50 pounds before I really had to get new clothes.  I don't know that 30 will really make that much of a difference.
• Fear that it's not worth the trouble.  This one ties into the above fear.  Maybe it's not fear at all, maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I'm actually content for once in my life.  Although, I am happier with myself than I have been in many years...I think it's just me being lazy and complacent.
• Fear that I really don't deserve it...maybe I should just be happy with the progress I've made and quit bitching about where I want to go. 

So, how do I get past this missing piece.  How do I make myself believe that it's worth it and how do I take that chance....put the piece in place and trust that I won't fall? I don't know how.  Each day, I set out a plan for my food.  I stick to it most days.  Everyday I set my alarm for 5 and say I'm going to get up and move my body....this one, I rarely do. On most days, I hit the snooze and say to myself, "you need to rest as much as you need to move."  Really?  Today, I hit the snooze, then I made a plan for my food, I've stuck with it, but it's like my heart isn't in it anymore.  I remember the many times that I have been in the zone on a diet.  Times, when you couldn't have forced me to eat something that wasn't on my plan....I don't know what happened to that resolve.  I don't know how to get that resolve back.  I just don't know.

So that is my struggle in a nut shell.  Lots of "I don't knows" lots of fear.  I read Holly's blog today at 300 pounds down.  She's so inspiring...she started her exercise plan with 30 seconds of movement.  Surely I have 30 minutes in me somewhere.  Today, I will make it a priority to address some of these fears.  I will make it a priority to chart a plan to put the piece in place.  I don't know...I don't know, but I will try!

Thanks for listening to rant number 400!
Big Hugs!
T

Ten Things Thursday!

Ten Things Thursday!

1.  Bloggers are the best! Thanks for the inspirational words yesterday on my pity post! You're the best!

2.  I'm going to a wedding out of town tomorrow and get to see cousins that I haven't seen in ages. My sister and I are going and I'm so excited!

3.  The beginning of school is going pretty smoothly so far.  Knock on wood!

4.  I got a mani-pedi today and got white tips on my toes. I always do white tips on my fingers, and a bright color on my toes.  I do NOT like it!  I keep staring at my feet, they look bizarre!

5.  I bought $20.00 worth of Powerball tickets yesterday and won $8.00, so I'm only in the hole for $12.00.  I only buy a ticket when it's up in the 100's of millions.  I was feeling lucky!

6.  I'm going to high-light my hair with red this weekend.  I'm feeling sassy.

7.  I don't know what to wear to the wedding and I don't have time to shop, because....I had to get my nails done.

8. I'm missing the first scrimmage of the season for my son's football team.  I'm feeling slightly guilty.

9.  I want to see "Hope Floats."

10.  My husband lost his wedding ring.  Even his fingers are skinny now.  I stopped wearing mine at 50 pounds down because it was too big and I was afraid of the same thing.  Today he said, "maybe I lost it in the shower, I'll look when I get home.  If it's not there....I'm single!" Ha ha!


Hope you all have a great weekend.  Thanks for all the support!
Big Hugs!
T

First day of school!

Well, today marks the start of the new school year.  The summer break just flew by! I can't believe that my oldest son and my step daughter are seniors! (Sadly, no pic of my step-daughter today, she was at her Mom's house) and my youngest is in 10th grade!  Here is a picture of my handsome sons this morning:

Never too old for a first day of school pic, right?  They didn't protest too much, ha ha!

Anyway, things are going along okay in my life.  I'm a creature of habit, so, I'm glad to have a little more structure in our lives with the start of school.  I do better when I get up at 5 and get my day going with a little activity.  This summer I've been steadily sleeping in to 6 or 6:30 and it's never good to start your day off rushing...well, not for me anyway.  So, this morning I was up for 5, exercised a little, that is my goal to start exercising again regularly.  And, was still able to get the kids off to school without event and had time for coffee and a little quiet time as well.  That's a good start.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  I don't know if it's the thought of my kids flying the nest soon or the fact that my husband is kicking ass and taking names with the Paleo diet and now weighs considerably less than me.  Or the fact that, I stay within my target calorie range for a full week at a time and lose a half a pound, or worse gain a pound! Or the fact that I'm 5 months away from turning 50 and I'm starting to lose hope that I'll get to my goal weight before then.  I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever get to my goal weight.  I had my mojo just a couple of weeks ago.  I feel like it's slipping fast.  I don't know if I can drop my daily calories anymore than I am and still function.  I wish that I didn't sit at a desk everyday, all day.  I don't even think about food when I'm not sitting at my desk.  On the weekends, I eat when I start feeling weak.  During the week at work, I'm tracking my food first thing in the morning so I know what I have to look forward to.  That's sad! I need to re-evaluate, I need to stop focusing on my goal as such a huge hunk. First of all, in my wildest dreams pre-band, I never, ever would have considered 25 pounds to be a huge hunk! How does this happen, I've lost sight of where I came from? I've lost sight of where I'm going.  I've lost the ability to enjoy this step.  All I'm doing lately is focusing on what I don't have.  That's not healthy, and it certainly won't make reaching my goal happen any quicker or any easier. 

I need some good vibes...so, blog land...send them please.  I don't know how to get out of this funk on my own.  But today, I will stay on track and I will blog about these feelings.  I will do more blogging and hopefully...less bitching and moaning.  It's a slippery slope at the end of the 40's!

Happy Wednesday
Big Hugs,
T

Old Blogger tells all!

Hey guys, how are you?  I hope all is well.  I know it's been a while since I've blogged.  I'm falling into that same space that most of us do, after a few years of blogging, I'm running out of things to post about.  When I first started blogging, I was very insecure about my decision to have weight loss surgery.  I was so anxious to find information, I was determined to make an informed decision and I wanted to know everything I could about the lap band.  I was naive, I thought that because I read about something, that I knew about it.  Let me just say for the record...you can never know what the band feels like until you have one.  You can think you do, but you don't.  I remember reading all sorts of blogs and saying all of the nevers.....

• I will never throw up from eating too quickly!
• I will never eat more than I should!
• I will never have to be reminded to chew my food!
• I will never be one of those people that doesn't appreciate my band!
• I will never try to eat something I shouldn't...like bread or pasta!
• I will never get lazy and not want to exercise and try really hard!
• I will never take for granted the tool that I have!
• I will never look at my progress and not be thankful!
• I will never...this and....I will never that....and...on and on and on!

Well you know what....I did all of those nevers... and sometimes... I still do.  Each day I have to remind myself that this is a lifelong commitment to better health, not just a smaller butt!  I found myself doing all the things I didn't think I'd do.  I also said I'd never let my BMI or my weight reflect the way I feel about myself.  That's not always easy.  Although, most of the time, I feel pretty good about myself. I really want to have my weight begin with a 1! It consumes my thoughts at times and makes me feel like it's just not attainable for me.  My BMI is 30.4, I'm still in the obese category by 1/2 a point.  Then I'll have 5 points to go from there just to be considered normal weight.  When I started this journey my BMI was 40, at my heaviest it was 42.5.  I'm happy that I've lost weight, that I'm healthier, but DAMN! I don't want to still be considered obese after all of this, and I don't even know if I'll ever be out to the over weight category. It's disheartening at times.  I'm still doing Weight Watchers, I am still really trying.  The scale did not move last week, but it did this week, but only by .6.  I have to just keep on going.  Sometimes, I want to just say...screw it, I am who I am, I'm just going to love me like I am.  But, I want to get to my goal...for once in my life, I want to get to my goal weight.  How do you keep up the good fight after  2 years and 5 months? How do you just put one foot in front of the other? I don't know...I guess, you just do.  Today is one of those days when, I find it hard not to feel sorry for myself.  I want to just be there already.  I want to have something to show for my hard work.  But then, I have to stop and realize that I do!

My husband is still doing great on the Paleo diet and is down 27 pounds...that is probably fueling my discontent.  It's not fair that men can lose so much quicker than women do, especially old women like me.  He is so sweet to me and he always tells me that my body is changing and I look like I've lost weight....yada, yada, then why won't the f*ing scale just move!

Okay, my rant is over. 

This weekend, the hubby and I went to the deer camp and hung out with friends, drank a little too much, chilled out and just got away from it all.  It was really nice.

I'll leave you a picture of my Hubby and I sitting on the porch of the camp, good times!

Have a good weekend!!

Big Hugs!

T