Look what the Easter Bunny brought me!!!!

Holy Cow! I didn't think it would ever happen, but Easter Sunday Morning I woke up and my weight started with a 1 for the first time in 23 years! I'm so excited and it only took me 3 years to get there! ha ha!  Anyway, I did eat on Easter Sunday, even had a little dessert, so I was worried, but this morning it was there again, a couple of ounces lower even.  I can't tell you what this does for my MOJO!

I wanted to thank you all for your wonderful comments on my bandiversary blog.  You guys sure know how to make a girl feel good.  One of the biggest blessings that my band has brought me is this community of bloggers.  I have found REAL friendship and support that I can't imagine doing with out.  Thank you so much.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Big Hugs!
T

3 year bandiversary!

 

Well hey there! I hope you're doing well.  I'm 2 days late on this post, but I'm celebrating my 3 year band anniversary.  I can tell you I have learned a great deal in the past 3 years, about myself, about my band, about food addiction and so much more.  So, I'm going to share a little about the last few years with you.

 

I was hoping that I would be able to report a trip to onederland for my 3 year anniversary, but that didn't happen, however....I'm pleased to say that I weighed in this morning at 201. That is 65 pounds down from the day of my surgery, 76 pounds down from the day of my consult and 84 pounds down from my heaviest recorded weight (which may or may not be my actual highest weight, lol!)

 

I feel really good right now, physically and mentally! I had a real wake up call recently when I went for my unfill and they were unable to access my port.  It scared me and made me really stop and do some soul searching about what my expectations were for my band and what I needed to do differently.  I realized something that I really knew already,  that, for the most part, the problems I was having with my band were self-induced.  I knew that I needed to make some changes if I was ever going to make peace with this piece of plastic in my gut.

 

So, here's what I did differently.  First of all, it was the beginning of Lent, so I decided to give up drinking for Lent, I did this last year, but found that I was replacing my love of wine with my love of chocolate and all things sweet.  So, this year I gave up drinking and I gave up sweets.  I learned that if I want to lose weight again, I'm going to have to stop drinking on weekdays at the very least.  I'm consuming too many liquid calories and then, after having a few drinks, my band is loosey goosey and I overindulge...double whammy! I also realized after the first week off of sweets, that I have a real problem with sugar. I felt so horrible getting off of it, I had headaches and moodiness. It really had a hold on me.  Once I got off of sugar, I found out that it really is true, when you don't eat sugar, you don't crave it! How about that?

 

Then I decided to just stop and pay attention to my band, if I was tight...I just ate soup or a shake, amazingly, a great deal of my tightness issues resolved when I stopped forcing things.  I had to really work hard on this one, because my food issues go way back, and when I can't eat because of tightness, it was nearly always followed by me feeling sorry for myself and medicating with bad food choices that slid on through my band.

 

Today, 3 years later, I can honestly say that I am so glad I got my band and I would do it again.  I feel so much more in control of my life and my food than before.  I have more confidence and I really feel like I will eventually get the rest of my weight off and I feel like I will be able to keep it off.  

 

I looked back over my list from way back...the top 10 things I wanted from my band:

 

 10. To no longer be obese. (I am officially just overweight!!! My BMI is 29.7, I just found this out, I hadn't checked in ages so this was exciting news for me today!)

9. To feel comfortable in my clothes. (Definitely, I feel really good, I can shop in regular stores, today I'm actually wearing a pair of jeans that my sister handed down to me, they are a size 14!!)


8. To get my blood pressure under control. (I'm off of one BP med, but still on one, but my blood pressure is great and I feel really good.)


7. To take a beach vacation and not feel inclined to wear at tent! (We haven't been back to the beach but I have been swimming with friends and I feel pretty normal!)

6. To adjust the seat in my car without having to move my butt to one side to get my arm down there! (Victory!!! My butt no longer hangs off of either side of the seat!)


5. To no longer know the Muffin man! (he lives above my waist) -- (Success! Unless I try on something that obviously doesn't fit, no muffin top!)

4. To weigh less than my husband. (I was for a while, but he's doing great, he's lost a bunch of weight and he's really working hard to keep it off!)

3. To wear a football mom shirt and not feel so out of place. (Done! I'm now successfully wearing the track mom shirts and feel great!)

2. To weigh less than the average starting lineman on any given Sunday.(Done! The actual average weight of linemen in the NFL is 270, so Yay!)
And....the number one thing I want from the band.....

1. For my personality to be bigger than my butt! (I've always had a pretty big personality, but the interesting thing about that is...I no longer feel the need to be the life of the party at all moments, I've really gotten to a point in my life, and this probably has more to do with age than weight loss, where I am pretty darn comfortable in my own skin! So...I say success!

So, 9 out of 10 is not bad.  Like I said, I've had a really shift in my perception and in the way I'm doing things.  I think success is the course I'm bound for. 

I will leave you with a picture comparison:

 

 The left is me the night before my surgery, looking really happy...at 266 pounds, size 24 pants, on the right is me this morning at 201 and wearing my sister's size 14 pants.  So, happy Bandiversary to me, and many more!

 

Big Hugs!

T



 



An actual loss!

Holy Cow! I can hardly believe it, but the scale is moving! Actually moving downward, not up! I'm so excited.  It's been so long since I've been able to post a loss, I couldn't remember how to update my ticker and actually had to delete it and do another one.  That's pretty sad. But now, I'm closer than ever to Onederland, I am at 202.  So, keep your fingers crossed for me that I'll get to 199 by my Bandiversary on the 25th.

Have a great day!

Big Hugs,
T

When you lie to yourself....

You're the only one who gets hurt.

Hello peeps.  I'm approaching my 3 year band anniversary.  I've been doing a great deal of thinking and really trying to be honest with myself.  Here are the things I've discovered:

• There is nothing wrong with my band.
• There is something wrong with the user.
• When I make a bad choice, I will be the one to pay for it.
• I have a problem with sugar.
• I have a problem with bread.
• I have a problem separating my wants from my needs.
• I still use food as a drug.
• The reason I haven't reached my goal, is because I haven't believed that I could do it and I haven't believed that I deserve it.
• I can and I do deserve to be at my goal weight.
• I still miss the anonymity of being fatter.
• I am a slow learner.
• I am losing again.
• I will reach my goal.
• No one can do it for me.

Well there you have it.  Sometimes I think, man after 3 years, you're still struggling with this, what is wrong with you?  But then, I have to stop and think about things for a moment.  3 years is nothing when I stack it up next to the many years that it took me to get so fat.  My use of food as a coping mechanism is ingrained in me, it's part of who I am.  This will be a life long challenge.  I spent a good portion of last year wondering if I made the right surgery choice.  I wanted the band over bypass because I wanted to be able to make adjustments, I know several people with the bypass who initially lost all of their weight, but then gained it back.  I was afraid.  But you know what I was really afraid of?  I was afraid that I was going to get the gold standard as far as weight loss surgery goes, the double whammy....restriction and malabsorbtion and still be a failure.  I was afraid of not being able to go back, I was afraid that I might not be able to live without using food to cope and then where would I be?  I thought, well....lots of people are successful with the band, even if they don't always loose 100% of their excess weight, some is better than none and if I don't like it, I can always have it taken out.  How childish, how reckless of me! To think that I would just be so cavalier about a life altering surgery is beyond me now.  I know that my band has been a huge part of my success so far, but I also know that it hasn't done this for me.  It has helped greatly, it has leveled the playing field for me.  I know also that staying away from sugar is probably as effective as my band in controlling hunger and I've know that for some time now, but I've been in denial. I know that honesty is not always pleasant, but in order to get where I need to get....it's a necessary step. 

I weighed in today at 204, the first time in a long time I've been below 205.  I want to get there....and that's a big step for me.  I haven't wanted it bad enough.

I hope you all have a great day, as always, thanks for your support.  You've been a huge blessing to me on this journey.

Big Hugs!
T

Ch Ch Ch Changes... also know as the pity party!

Howdy Peeps! I'm still alive, still here, still in a bit of a funk, still 50.... By the way, this week is the first time that I've actually felt old.  I don't like it.  Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of post birthday sadness, maybe it's because so much is changing in my life, maybe it's because some things are not changing, but I'm just kind of feeling...well...I don't know a good word for it, sad or out of sorts.

Like I said, things are changing.  I went to a senior meeting on Monday, and suddenly the fact that two of our kids are going to graduate from high school in 3 months and begin the next phase of their lives, hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband is making a big career move.  My ex-husband is being a turd and it's affecting my kids, just a bunch of things are swirling around and it's unsettling.

Then some things are not changing.  My weight for one, my activity level, my career.  I'm still in the same place on the scale.  I'm still not exercising, I still don't want to. I'm still in my same, not very exciting job, some days I just get really antsy about  being here and feel like I'm wasting away here.  And, I'm tired.  I'm tired.  All I want to do right now, is sleep. What's up with that?  I usually have much more energy than I do. 

I gave up drinking for Lent, and sweets! That is probably the problem right now.  Sadly, aside from my family, I love wine and chocolate the most!  I'm probably experiencing sugar withdrawal right now.  I hope my mood gets better, it has only been a week today!

Then, my friend (who is the more talented part of the lounge singer duo in the variety show I do each Summer) just called to tell me she's moving.  Our act is something that I look forward to every summer.  In case you didn't pick up on this about me, I'm not real crazy about changes that are out of my control.  In the past, my coping mechanism for those kinds of changes has been food.  Although I still cope with food sometimes, I can't eat what I want to when I want to.  I don't really want to, but sometimes feel like I still need to.  So, I'm turning to one of my other coping mechanisms...writing it down here.  Getting it out of my head and onto the screen.  Hopefully that will make me feel better. 

I hope you are all having a great week and that I don't bring the mood down.

Big Hugs,
T

I'm 50!

I can kick and stretch and kick...I'm 50! Ha ha! Today I turned 50, and it's not such a bad place to be.  As I look back over my life, and the missteps along the way, I suppose that there has been more good than bad.  I'm so thankful that I have my band, that, although I still want to lose more weight, I have maintained a 60 pound loss for 2 years.  I'm healthier, happier and I think I look better.   The picture below is me, on the left at 40 on the right at 50 (10 years and 80 pounds!).  I wouldn't want to go back, that's for sure. 

 

I had a great weekend, filled with celebrating and good friends. It was really great.  I hope you all have a great week!
Big Hugs,
T

The unfill that wasn't

Hello.  How are you?  I hope well.  Yesterday I went to see my surgeon for a slight unfill.  First of all, it's been since March or so of last year since I saw my surgeon.  At that time, I was having 1/2 cc put back in after having 1 cc removed.  Since my last visit, I have only lost 3 pounds.  Not great, but not a gain.  I mean I know... I've been maintaining.  I feel good and bad about this. 

So, anyway....I'm on the table, stomach tensed so he can access my port easier.  He has his hand on the general area, hits me with lidocaine, then goes in for the port, I feel him hit the port, he bears down really  hard, and then...strange sound, strange sensation, the needle bounces off the port.  He does this about 10 times total, after the 5th try he says each time..."this is the last try."  So, it happens each time, and I end up leaving with no unfill.  And a very sore port area.  He said, sometimes these things happen, let yourself heal up, when it's not sore, come back we'll try it again.  The nurse said, yeah...they happen but usually when  you're in need of an unfill.

Anyway, my band is playing nice right now, I'm not struggling to drink water and I can eat okay, but last week it was horrible.  I don't know what is going on with my port.  I haven't felt any pain in the area, I haven't felt like it's moved or anything like that.  Has this happened to any of you?

So, when I got home, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was hurting.  I told my husband that I wonder what I'm supposed to learn from this? He said...I think you're reading a little too much into it.  Like he doesn't know me or something, lol!

I don't know.  I know that I need to take better care of myself.  I need to concentrate more on nutrition and be kinder to my band. 

I really appreciate all of your kind comments on my last post.  Thanks for the support!
Big Hugs!
T