Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Rock? Hard Place?

I'm stuck between them.    It's been more than a year since I've had an adjustment to my band.  The last time I went in was to get 1/2 cc put back in after having 1cc taken out prior to that.  I have been just going along... some days good, some days bad, as far as the band goes.  My band is very fickle and hormonal changes wreak havoc on my band.  It seems that half of every month I can eat well, the other half I have trouble with liquids. 

Anyway, on Thanksgiving day, I got stuck, first bite of food and I spent most of the day sick  I had trouble with liquids even.  My band was so irritated that I had trouble with everything, even liquids for about 10 days to follow.  So, a couple of days ago, I finally had enough and called to schedule an unfill.  The next morning I wake up and my band is all loosey goosey again! WTF? How can that happen?  I stressed over it all day yesterday and today and finally, I canceled the appointment.  Now, I just don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.

Here's the deal.  I have been at the same spot weight wise for a year.  I've gotten pretty comfortable with this spot, evidently.  I'm happy that I'm not gaining, I wish I was losing, but I'm not devastated to be sitting at this spot.  So....here is my dilemma. I know that many times my band is just too tight and that it won't allow me to make the healthiest choices, food wise.  I also know that after a period of my band being too tight, I feel desperate, like "man I can finally eat something, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, I better eat today!"  I feel like, if I could consistently make better choices, without fear of pain and PB, that I might actually do that.  I also feel this overwhelming fear that if I get even the tiniest bit out, I'll eat like a pig and gain all my weight back.  I don't know what the answer is. 

So, I'm at a spot where I need to make a decision about my band and myself.  Am I willing to make a change? Am I willing to put the work in that I once did?  I've gotten pretty lazy.  I don't know...but, I do know that if nothing changes...nothing will change.

That's it.

Big Hugs!