Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Rock? Hard Place?

I'm stuck between them.    It's been more than a year since I've had an adjustment to my band.  The last time I went in was to get 1/2 cc put back in after having 1cc taken out prior to that.  I have been just going along... some days good, some days bad, as far as the band goes.  My band is very fickle and hormonal changes wreak havoc on my band.  It seems that half of every month I can eat well, the other half I have trouble with liquids. 

Anyway, on Thanksgiving day, I got stuck, first bite of food and I spent most of the day sick  I had trouble with liquids even.  My band was so irritated that I had trouble with everything, even liquids for about 10 days to follow.  So, a couple of days ago, I finally had enough and called to schedule an unfill.  The next morning I wake up and my band is all loosey goosey again! WTF? How can that happen?  I stressed over it all day yesterday and today and finally, I canceled the appointment.  Now, I just don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.

Here's the deal.  I have been at the same spot weight wise for a year.  I've gotten pretty comfortable with this spot, evidently.  I'm happy that I'm not gaining, I wish I was losing, but I'm not devastated to be sitting at this spot.  So....here is my dilemma. I know that many times my band is just too tight and that it won't allow me to make the healthiest choices, food wise.  I also know that after a period of my band being too tight, I feel desperate, like "man I can finally eat something, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, I better eat today!"  I feel like, if I could consistently make better choices, without fear of pain and PB, that I might actually do that.  I also feel this overwhelming fear that if I get even the tiniest bit out, I'll eat like a pig and gain all my weight back.  I don't know what the answer is. 

So, I'm at a spot where I need to make a decision about my band and myself.  Am I willing to make a change? Am I willing to put the work in that I once did?  I've gotten pretty lazy.  I don't know...but, I do know that if nothing changes...nothing will change.

That's it.

Big Hugs!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Great weekend!!!

What a wonderful weekend it was, I'm so glad I got to spend time with Vickie and Jacquie and our sweet patient husbands, we had a great time! The weather was perfect, the food was amazing, the company was even better.  Only problem was that an entire Fraternity decided to stay in the same hotel as us and poor  Vickie got sick.  I'm so glad that we were able to get together, I miss them already and I'm ready for the next visit.
Here's a quick recap:
We met at the hotel around one, walked around the Quarter looking for a restaurant, but we were off a bit, so we settled on one we stumbled upon, ate lunch, met Super Man, had cocktails on Bourbon Street, freshened up, caught a cab, went to dinner, had more drinks, listened to jazz, enjoyed wonderful conversation, danced a little, laughed a LOT...lather, rinse, repeat!
All in all a fabulous weekend with some fabulous friends.  On Saturday Vicky met us at Cafe' Du Monde for beignets and cafe' au lait, it was great to meet her, although it was a short visit.  She is as sweet as she seems on her blog and she looks amazing!!! 
I'm shocked sometimes at the friendships that have come with my band and this blogging experience.  What a blessing it has been.  I will leave you with a few pics of the weekend.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

Vickie, Me, Jacquie and Super Man

After the first Hurricane at Pat O'Brien's...no description needed!

Then Men Folks
My John, Jacquie's Steve and Vickie's John

Three bandsters and one Sleever
Vickie, Me, Vicky and Jacquie

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Guess who I'm going to see on Friday?

I'm so excited, in just two days I'll be in New Orleans with my girls Vickie and Jacquie! And of course our hubby's too! I can hardly wait! 
Vickie and Jacquie last year in Chicago for BOOBS2...waiting patiently for our deep dish pizza!!!

 Vickie was my roomie the first year of BOOBS and the three of us hung out and really hit it off, so last year Jacquie roomed with us too.  I am so excited to spend time with them again and  I can't wait to show them New Orleans! I will post pics next week!

Have a great weekend!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Looking ahead...even if it's just toward the weekend!

Hello, I hope this post finds you well.  I've got my eyes on the weekend... and it can't get here soon enough.  I'm tired...physically and emotionally! Whew!!

The election is over and I must say, this has been a difficult time for me.  I guess it's the first time that I've been through an election of this proportion while being so connected through Social Media.  I'm truly shocked by how divided our Country has become. I find it sad that people spout hateful words to one another merely because we disagree. Tolerance is in great demand. I have resisted making any political comments on Facebook or Twitter, although I've had to bite my tongue at times to stop myself.  My oldest son voted in his first Presidential election and it was a big deal to him, as it should be.   We are proud of this Country and of the Freedoms that we have.  As an American I will support my President regardless of my preference, but not everyone feels this way.  I think that it's a shame that billions of dollars are spent on campaigns when that money could be used for real good.  I think that there are hateful, intolerant people on both sides and sadly freedom of speech does not come with a filter or kindness.

This concludes my one and only political rant.  God Bless America!

Big Hugs!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Senior night and more.

First of all, I hope all of you who are in the path of Sandy will be safe and sound!! Please keep us posted on your situation!
Now, a quick recap of the weekend:  Friday night was senior night at the football game.  Parents escort their sons onto the field, it was nice.  I survived being in the same vicinity as my ex-husband, and I survived having to wear my glasses for the night.  It was freezing cold...by Louisiana standards anyway and super windy...thus, the messed up hair!  Below is a pic of me and my son.
I had a nice weekend, and my eye is doing much better.  I got my new glasses and I feel better about having to wear them.  I can see much better too.  My old glasses were an old prescription so, it's a bonus to see.  The pic below is me with my new specs and no, it's not your imagination, my hair is darker, I colored on Saturday.  Fresh hair color always makes me feel better too! 

Not much else going on.  I had a terrible incident this weekend...food wise.  Let's just say it involved cheese puffs and gingerbread Oreos.  OH MY!
Today is Monday...back to reality!
Hope your week is good!
Big Hugs!

Friday, October 26, 2012

4 eyes!

I scratched my eye, or something and have inflammation on my cornea...so I have to wear my glasses for a whole week! I have to do eye drops every 4 hours and I am not too happy about it.  I wore glasses for years and years and I hated the way I looked without my glasses. My glasses were like a buffer between me and the world. I felt kind of, less exposed when I had them on.  When I got divorced, I changed a lot of things about myself, one of them was that I got contacts again. I started taking better care of myself and caring more about my appearance.  So, now...I'm having to wear my glasses and it's making me feel things that I don't want to feel.  I feel like the old version of me.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I feel so frumpy and fat! What gives?  I suppose that I just associate the glasses with the previous me.  I did order some new glasses that are a little more fashionable...but they won't be in til next week.  So until then...I'm stuck in the glass lane!

Tonight is senior night at the football game.  I have to take a picture with my son...I would go without my glasses, but then I wouldn't be able to find my way on or off the field.  Oh well, I'm excited about the game either way.

Happy Weekend!
Big Hugs!

Monday, October 22, 2012

A funny thing happened on my way to drink another shake...

Happy Monday folks! Thanks for all of your encouraging comments.  As always, it feels good to know that you guys are reading and taking the time to be a part of my journey.

In my last post, I told you about my attempt to lose this last 25 pounds and that I had gotten Visalus shakes.  As I said, I was really struggling and feeling kind of bad. But I kept going and did feel a little better.  However, by Thursday, I really started feeling strange, I got hives and I started having really bad palpitations.  Now, I have thyroid disease, Hashimoto's to be exact, hives and irregular heart beat are always a symptom when my levels are off.  I take daily medication and feel pretty good most of the time.  I had blood work scheduled to check my levels, and so I went to do that, but then put a call in to my Endocrinologist to let them know that I was feeling really strange.  The nurse called me back and said that my labs weren't in yet, but she would call me on Monday.  So, I go home and of course searched the web for reasons why my thyroid levels might suddenly change when they've been under control.  The first article I came across was one warning about supplements and shakes, to check the lable, many of them have high amounts of iodine as well as ground bovine thyroid glands and that they have very generic sounding names...ewww! Anyway, this one does have high iodine and lots of other supplements that I can't pronounce.  I stopped drinking them and voila...I'm fine today!  So, lesson learned...read the ingredients before starting on a new supplement of any kind.  I was really shocked by how bad I was feeling in such a short time! I talked to the Endocrinologist today to let them know, they said they had just ordered more blood work, because my levels were so off!
So, I'm back to just trying to eat right and move more.  Just gotta keep on keepin on!

This weekend I had a wonderful time.  We have wine festival downtown, it's an amazing event with lots of wine, food and music. There are a limited amount of tickets sold, so it's not super crowded.  They block of a big section of our historic downtown...and it's just a lovely event.  It was so much fun, My sister and couple of our girlfriends went together.  The weather was beautiful and it was just a great time. 

I'll leave you with a couple of pics from the festival.

Marty, Dawn and my sister Amelia

Me walking the red carpet...this was after the festival...key word here is WINE! lol!

I hope you all have a great week.  Now that I'm feeling better, I sure will!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Shakes, shakes and more shakes...

Hey there! How are you?  I hope all is well.  Things are okay here. 
Thank you for your sweet words on my last post.  I really do appreciate the comments and the sentiment behind them.

Okay, so as I said in my last post, I really want to lose 25 pounds before my 50th birthday, that's in 4 months.  I bought some Visalus shakes and started yesterday.  A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch and a sensible dinner. First of all, they taste really good, but yesterday was awful, I was starving most of the day, and I had a terrible headache.  I got home and stir fried green beans, chicken and mushrooms for my "sensible dinner."

One of my problems with the band is that when I get past hungry...you know, to the point where I'm feeling sick from it, it never goes well when I do eat.  I only ate a fourth of a cup of food, and didn't feel stuck at all, then suddenly, I was hurting, I PB'd bad, like 30 minutes before all was said and done.  Not the way I wanted to end the night.  So, I ended up having a 3rd shake for supper last night.

Today, I've had my two shakes and a hand full of almonds.  Again, I'm starving! I always do a shake for breakfast anyway, because I'm super tight in the mornings, but by lunch I can usually eat pretty well.  Lunch is not the time of day that's really a problem for me.  So, maybe I should reassess this and eat my lunch instead of drinking it.  I know I've only given it 2 days, but man...my head hurts again, and I'm afraid I might have another repeat of last night.  I really need to be careful with my food choices tonight and take it slow.   I'm going to have a little wine tonight too, that always helps with the passage of food, lol!

Other than that, things are going pretty well.  It's deer season, so my hubby will be MIA soon.  He works hard, so I'm glad he has something that's relaxing for him.  Oh...big news, I forgot to share, he quit chewing tobacco.   I'm so proud of him, I know it was so hard.

I'm glad it's Wednesday and the week is half over.  I'm ready for the weekend, I'm ready to just relax.

I hope you all have a great day.
Big Hugs!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Infrequent at best!

That's me.  I just can't get into blogging lately.  I read Catherine's post and felt bad and was flattered at the same time that she mentioned my blog and that she missed reading my posts.  Sometimes we start to think that we are just part of the scenery.  Both in blogland and real life.  I know sometimes in the evenings when I'm doing laundry and cooking or cleaning, I feel like part of the scenery, just a machine running in the background.  My family has grown accustomed to the hum of the machine and they find that white noise comforting.  Other than that, I wonder if the things I do for them really matter.  They matter to me, but do they really matter to them?  Do they stop every once in a while and say..."man, it's nice that I always have clean towels and underwear." Or do they only notice on the rare occasion that some other commitment has me behind schedule and I don't get something done? At work, I feel fortunate that I have a really good job that helps me provide for my family, but I don't necessarily feel needed, challenged or appreciated on a daily basis.  I've let that feeling bleed into other areas of my life.  And I need to take a moment to realign my attitude.  I need to remember why I get up early or stay up late to get things done.  I need to remember why I show up at work and that there are rewards for all of those moments.

After Catherine mentioned all of the blogs that have tapered off, I went to find a few that were so important to me, people who inspired me and encouraged me and gave me good information about the band and what was in store for me.  Like Catherine, I too felt bummed when I realized how many of them hadn't blogged in a year, some even three years. 

I see a lot of us banded bloggers spinning our wheels with the band.  Not really going anywhere, some of us even going backwards.  It scares me a little and makes me feel more pressure to get moving in a downward direction again.  It also makes me grateful that I haven't gone backward, even if I'm not moving forward, I'm not going back!

I will turn 50 in 4 months and I really want to be at my goal weight.  That means I have to lose 30 pounds.  Considering the fact that it took me one year to lose 15, I'm not sure what I have to do to get the job done.  I don't feel like a failure at all.  I'm really proud of how far I've come and I think the band was the right decision for me.  I do think that I've put dieting in the background....kind of gotten used to the white noise of just living....humming along, not going backwards, but not going forward either.  And it's time to change that.  It's time to change my attitude toward dieting and work and many other areas in my life as well.

Thanks Catherine for the reminder.  Yet another way that you've been an inspiration to me: your commitment to maintaining a healthy weight and your commitment to blogging as part of that journey and as a way of paying it forward.  I for one appreciate it!

Big Hugs,

Monday, October 1, 2012

Small victories along the way...

Hey Folks! I've seen so many wonderful pictures from the BOOBS weekend and know that you all had a wonderful time.  I'm sorry I had to miss this year, but at least I have the memories of the two previous wonderful weekends! Love seeing the pictures on FB, keep them coming!
It was Homecoming week at my children's school.  My oldest son and my step-daughter are seniors and my oldest plays football, so it was a jam packed week for us.  I'm glad it's over! As a senior football mom, I was very busy, we did a skit for the pep rally and decorated the float and we went to the Homecoming dance to have one dance with our sons that night. 
On January 22, 2010, I was waiting to get banded and I wrote a blog post entitled:
"Tell me what you want, what you really, really, want..."
In that post, I listed my top 10 reasons for wanting the band, they were:

10. To no longer be obese.
9. To feel comfortable in my clothes.
8. To get my blood pressure under control.
7. To take a beach vacation and not feel inclined to wear at tent!
6. To adjust the seat in my car without having to move my butt to one side to get my arm down there!
5. To no longer know the Muffin man! (he lives above my waist)
4. To weigh less than my husband.
3. To wear a football mom shirt and not feel so out of place.
2. To weigh less than the average starting lineman on any given Sunday.
And the number one thing I want from the band....
1. For my personality to be bigger than my butt!

Well, most of those things have happened for me. 
10. On the BMI chart, I'm still considered obese, by .5, but I've lost 10 BMI points since I was banded.
9. check and I can shop in regular stores!
8.I'm off one blood pressure medication and my numbers are excellent.
4.that was a check, until Paleo Man got all svelte on me, but it will be again!
3.check, see photo below

My oldest and me at the pep rally, right after the Senior Mom skit.  I wasn't the smallest mom out there, but I wasn't the biggest either, and I felt pretty normal...it's good to blend in !

1.my butt's not small...but my personality is bigger!
I've spent so much of the last year beating myself up for not losing more weight, for losing my mojo and for so many other things.  I need to give myself a little credit for how far I've come and for the fact that in a year's time, my weight has not fluctuated more than five pounds.  That's a big deal and I need to look at it that way.  I need to cleanse myself of these negative thoughts and just do what used to work for me.  It will work again.
Now on to a few cute pics from Homecoming!

My oldest son and his girlfriend.

My youngest and his date.
My step daughter opted out of Homecoming, as her boyfriend goes to another school.

And this is me and my oldest....as senior football players and their moms dance.
I'm looking forward to a slower paced week ahead of me. I'm thankful for my wonderful family and thankful for the stamina to keep up with such a busy, eventful week. And, I'm thankful for my band!
I hope you all have a great week!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I'm still alive....

Yep, still alive, but certainly not blogging.  Every morning when I get to work, I sit at my desk, I check my email, then I got to blogger and catch up, then I go to write a post....and nothing.....I got nothing.  I've been super busy with my kids and football season.  Oh....and "The Voice" is back on, so I've been tuning in to see Adam, mostly out of respect for his intellect and musical abilities, and ....
well, yeah...that's it.  I love him for his mind!

I just love this show and now that I heard Christina is not coming back next season, I'm already looking forward to the next one, lol!

I read your blogs, I comment sometimes, my weight is still the same.  Some days I feel pretty good about myself, some days I feel like a cow.  So, yeah not much has changed.  I still haven't magically gotten a good dose of mojo.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive. 

Take care y'all!
Big Hugs,

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Dodged a bullet!

Hey guys! Issac didn't really touch my part of the state.  We are safe and sound.  We experienced some wind but barely any rain.  Our kids got 2 days off school...hurrication id what we call it here.  Now you know why we start school so early here.  I saw on FB that Vicky was safe, they are still without power, but the rain and wind had eased up enough so that they were able to open up the house.  My heart goes out to the people who's homes were destroyed.  The force of Nature is amazing and so unpredictable.  I hope all of you are well.
Take care....
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Quick Update:

First of all, thank you so much to my blogger friends who have reached out and checked on me! You are so very sweet....Camela, Stephanie, Jacquie and Carmen to name a few! I so appreciate you thinking of me and my family!
Right now I'm doing fine, but poor Vicky is getting hammered right now and has been without power since yesterday.  I'm in the Southwest corner of the state, so we are still waiting to see what the effects of this storm will be.  I got this picture in a text message yesterday...so appropriate when you're in the path of a storm trying to figure out what to do. 

I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm safe and to thank you for your concern. I will update you as soon as I know what's going to happen.  I'm at work today, but school has been canceled and I'm sure it will be tomorrow too.  As I wait to see what's in store for us, I can't help but remember what things were like 7 years ago.  We watched in disbelief as Katrina destroyed New Orleans and so many lives were lost.  Then a month later, all Hell broke loose for me with Rita. We spend so much of our lives trying to be in control, it only takes a moment like this to point out, that we really have very little control.  I pray for the safety of those in the middle of this chaos and pray for the safety of my family as well.  I'm grateful that we have the technology to be warned ahead of time and that we have the resources to get out of harm's way if need be. 

Again, thank you for your concern, it warms my heart. 
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What's keeping me from my goal?

This morning when I searched for a picture to illustrate my struggle of the moment.  I found this one and boy was it appropriate.  For months, I've been standing in a small spot, staring at my goal, wishing, hoping, praying for the piece of the puzzle that might get me there....and all the while....holding that piece in my own hand! Oh the irony.  What is it that's stopping me.  I mean REALLY? What is it? 

I've done a lot of soul searching, what am I really afraid of? I must be afraid of something, because my past indicates that when I haven't done something that I wanted to do, it was fear that stopped me.  So, what about being at a healthy weight could possibly scare me?  Here are some things that pop into my head....things that in the past really did hinder me:
  • Fear of failing.
  • Fear of the unknown, like...what if I don't like myself as a thin person, what if others don't like me, what if my skin is so nasty I'd rather be fat?
  • Fear of attention from men.  (this one sounds really stupid, but this was a big issue when I was in my last marriage.  Because I was so unhappy, the least bit of attention from men, made me nervous. I think that my fat helped keep me married for as long as I was) I'm in a happy marriage now, so what's my problem?
  • Fear of gaining the weight back. (That's because, it was always inevitable before)
  • Fear of unearthing a beast under all that flesh!...I joke about it all the time, but I've always felt like God knew what he was doing when he put me in this body, if I was a knock out, I'd probably go half- naked to pick my kids up at school! LOL!
  • Fear of being unable to maintain the weight I choose for my goal.  This one is based on past experience as well.
  • Fear of being ordinary. (again, this sounds stupid, but I'm used to being one of the biggest people in the room. I stand out, if I want to or not.)
  • Fear that those last 30 won't really make that much of a difference.  This is one that I really struggle with.  No one even noticed my weight loss until I was down 50 pounds.  I would see people I hadn't seen in a while and they would ask if  my hair was different, or something like that, but really....it was 50 pounds before people noticed, it was 50 pounds before I really had to get new clothes.  I don't know that 30 will really make that much of a difference.
  • Fear that it's not worth the trouble.  This one ties into the above fear.  Maybe it's not fear at all, maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I'm actually content for once in my life.  Although, I am happier with myself than I have been in many years...I think it's just me being lazy and complacent.
  • Fear that I really don't deserve it...maybe I should just be happy with the progress I've made and quit bitching about where I want to go. 
So, how do I get past this missing piece.  How do I make myself believe that it's worth it and how do I take that chance....put the piece in place and trust that I won't fall? I don't know how.  Each day, I set out a plan for my food.  I stick to it most days.  Everyday I set my alarm for 5 and say I'm going to get up and move my body....this one, I rarely do. On most days, I hit the snooze and say to myself, "you need to rest as much as you need to move."  Really?  Today, I hit the snooze, then I made a plan for my food, I've stuck with it, but it's like my heart isn't in it anymore.  I remember the many times that I have been in the zone on a diet.  Times, when you couldn't have forced me to eat something that wasn't on my plan....I don't know what happened to that resolve.  I don't know how to get that resolve back.  I just don't know.

So that is my struggle in a nut shell.  Lots of "I don't knows" lots of fear.  I read Holly's blog today at 300 pounds down.  She's so inspiring...she started her exercise plan with 30 seconds of movement.  Surely I have 30 minutes in me somewhere.  Today, I will make it a priority to address some of these fears.  I will make it a priority to chart a plan to put the piece in place.  I don't know...I don't know, but I will try!

Thanks for listening to rant number 400!
Big Hugs!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ten Things Thursday!

Ten Things Thursday!

1.  Bloggers are the best! Thanks for the inspirational words yesterday on my pity post! You're the best!

2.  I'm going to a wedding out of town tomorrow and get to see cousins that I haven't seen in ages. My sister and I are going and I'm so excited!

3.  The beginning of school is going pretty smoothly so far.  Knock on wood!

4.  I got a mani-pedi today and got white tips on my toes. I always do white tips on my fingers, and a bright color on my toes.  I do NOT like it!  I keep staring at my feet, they look bizarre!

5.  I bought $20.00 worth of Powerball tickets yesterday and won $8.00, so I'm only in the hole for $12.00.  I only buy a ticket when it's up in the 100's of millions.  I was feeling lucky!

6.  I'm going to high-light my hair with red this weekend.  I'm feeling sassy.

7.  I don't know what to wear to the wedding and I don't have time to shop, because....I had to get my nails done.

8. I'm missing the first scrimmage of the season for my son's football team.  I'm feeling slightly guilty.

9.  I want to see "Hope Floats."

10.  My husband lost his wedding ring.  Even his fingers are skinny now.  I stopped wearing mine at 50 pounds down because it was too big and I was afraid of the same thing.  Today he said, "maybe I lost it in the shower, I'll look when I get home.  If it's not there....I'm single!" Ha ha!

Hope you all have a great weekend.  Thanks for all the support!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

First day of school!

Well, today marks the start of the new school year.  The summer break just flew by! I can't believe that my oldest son and my step daughter are seniors! (Sadly, no pic of my step-daughter today, she was at her Mom's house) and my youngest is in 10th grade!  Here is a picture of my handsome sons this morning:

Never too old for a first day of school pic, right?  They didn't protest too much, ha ha!

Anyway, things are going along okay in my life.  I'm a creature of habit, so, I'm glad to have a little more structure in our lives with the start of school.  I do better when I get up at 5 and get my day going with a little activity.  This summer I've been steadily sleeping in to 6 or 6:30 and it's never good to start your day off rushing...well, not for me anyway.  So, this morning I was up for 5, exercised a little, that is my goal to start exercising again regularly.  And, was still able to get the kids off to school without event and had time for coffee and a little quiet time as well.  That's a good start.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  I don't know if it's the thought of my kids flying the nest soon or the fact that my husband is kicking ass and taking names with the Paleo diet and now weighs considerably less than me.  Or the fact that, I stay within my target calorie range for a full week at a time and lose a half a pound, or worse gain a pound! Or the fact that I'm 5 months away from turning 50 and I'm starting to lose hope that I'll get to my goal weight before then.  I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever get to my goal weight.  I had my mojo just a couple of weeks ago.  I feel like it's slipping fast.  I don't know if I can drop my daily calories anymore than I am and still function.  I wish that I didn't sit at a desk everyday, all day.  I don't even think about food when I'm not sitting at my desk.  On the weekends, I eat when I start feeling weak.  During the week at work, I'm tracking my food first thing in the morning so I know what I have to look forward to.  That's sad! I need to re-evaluate, I need to stop focusing on my goal as such a huge hunk. First of all, in my wildest dreams pre-band, I never, ever would have considered 25 pounds to be a huge hunk! How does this happen, I've lost sight of where I came from? I've lost sight of where I'm going.  I've lost the ability to enjoy this step.  All I'm doing lately is focusing on what I don't have.  That's not healthy, and it certainly won't make reaching my goal happen any quicker or any easier. 

I need some good vibes...so, blog land...send them please.  I don't know how to get out of this funk on my own.  But today, I will stay on track and I will blog about these feelings.  I will do more blogging and hopefully...less bitching and moaning.  It's a slippery slope at the end of the 40's!

Happy Wednesday
Big Hugs,

Monday, August 6, 2012

Old Blogger tells all!

Hey guys, how are you?  I hope all is well.  I know it's been a while since I've blogged.  I'm falling into that same space that most of us do, after a few years of blogging, I'm running out of things to post about.  When I first started blogging, I was very insecure about my decision to have weight loss surgery.  I was so anxious to find information, I was determined to make an informed decision and I wanted to know everything I could about the lap band.  I was naive, I thought that because I read about something, that I knew about it.  Let me just say for the record...you can never know what the band feels like until you have one.  You can think you do, but you don't.  I remember reading all sorts of blogs and saying all of the nevers.....
  • I will never throw up from eating too quickly!
  • I will never eat more than I should!
  • I will never have to be reminded to chew my food!
  • I will never be one of those people that doesn't appreciate my band!
  • I will never try to eat something I shouldn't...like bread or pasta!
  • I will never get lazy and not want to exercise and try really hard!
  • I will never take for granted the tool that I have!
  • I will never look at my progress and not be thankful!
  • I will never...this and....I will never that....and...on and on and on!
Well you know what....I did all of those nevers... and sometimes... I still do.  Each day I have to remind myself that this is a lifelong commitment to better health, not just a smaller butt!  I found myself doing all the things I didn't think I'd do.  I also said I'd never let my BMI or my weight reflect the way I feel about myself.  That's not always easy.  Although, most of the time, I feel pretty good about myself. I really want to have my weight begin with a 1! It consumes my thoughts at times and makes me feel like it's just not attainable for me.  My BMI is 30.4, I'm still in the obese category by 1/2 a point.  Then I'll have 5 points to go from there just to be considered normal weight.  When I started this journey my BMI was 40, at my heaviest it was 42.5.  I'm happy that I've lost weight, that I'm healthier, but DAMN! I don't want to still be considered obese after all of this, and I don't even know if I'll ever be out to the over weight category. It's disheartening at times.  I'm still doing Weight Watchers, I am still really trying.  The scale did not move last week, but it did this week, but only by .6.  I have to just keep on going.  Sometimes, I want to just say...screw it, I am who I am, I'm just going to love me like I am.  But, I want to get to my goal...for once in my life, I want to get to my goal weight.  How do you keep up the good fight after  2 years and 5 months? How do you just put one foot in front of the other? I don't know...I guess, you just do.  Today is one of those days when, I find it hard not to feel sorry for myself.  I want to just be there already.  I want to have something to show for my hard work.  But then, I have to stop and realize that I do!

My husband is still doing great on the Paleo diet and is down 27 pounds...that is probably fueling my discontent.  It's not fair that men can lose so much quicker than women do, especially old women like me.  He is so sweet to me and he always tells me that my body is changing and I look like I've lost weight....yada, yada, then why won't the f*ing scale just move!

Okay, my rant is over. 

This weekend, the hubby and I went to the deer camp and hung out with friends, drank a little too much, chilled out and just got away from it all.  It was really nice.

I'll leave you a picture of my Hubby and I sitting on the porch of the camp, good times!

Have a good weekend!!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

There's no business like show business...

Well I survived the Variety Show! It was fun, it was a great success and there were some really strange things that happened as well. The show runs for two nights, Friday and Saturday.  The Friday night show was going along pretty well, we were more than halfway through, when the weather started getting really bad.  I got a text from the State Police advising people to seek shelter due to high winds and heavy rain.  Well, soon after that, I was in the dressing room getting ready for my next scene when I heard a loud whistling sound.  I could also hear the weather outside.  All of a sudden, the ceiling tiles sucked up into the ceiling and then came down and did it again.  I heard people screaming and everyone was running about.  I tried to calm the ones who were in the dressing room who were upset and then I went to see what had happened.  A giant gust of wind had blown in the really big bay door and it hit a cast mate. By the time I got out there, about 25 men were holding the door in place and people were gathered around my friend who was hurt, they had already called 911.  The winds had collapsed part of our stage and blown over the giant screens and the curtains on the wings.  It was bizarre, scary and surreal.  We had about 5 scenes to go, but were unable to finish the show that night, due to the shape of the stage and the cast members who were hurt.  My friend (V) who was injured the worst, was released early the next morning from the hospital, she had a concussion and was very badly bruised.  The other injuries were minor.  V was unable to do the show on Saturday because of her injuries.  But we put things back together and put on another show the next day. The storm did a lot of damage in town too.  My neighbors had a tree on their house and we were without power for about 15 hours total.  Crazy!  Here is a picture of me and my partner Babs....we've been a regular in the show for about 10 years with this particular act, we are tacky lounge singers....so much fun.  

Babs & Tessie....in our Lounge Singer Outfits!
In other news.  I've done 2 weeks so far on the Weight Watchers plan and it's going really well.  I'm back down to my lowest weight. I find that it's easier for me to stick with WW than it is to do the Paleo diet, because when I'm having a tight band day...I have lots of options and am still able to stay on track. I'd been tracking calories for so long that it was a bit of a challenge to have to give up so many points for foods that were staples for me before.  Again....good to reevaluate and good to see the scale move. My hubby John is doing amazing on the Paleo diet!!! He is down at least 20 pounds and he now weighs less than me again.  Pisser! But....not for long!!! I have my mojo back folks, and it feels good.  I plan to be in onederland in the next 2 weeks! I did not go over my points at all in the last 2 weeks, even with wine drinking during the weekend.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed WW, and it has really encouraged me to stick to a healthier diet, fruits and veggies are no points.  Also....I haven't had candy or chocolate since I started and feel like my cravings are much more under control.  I hope all of you are doing okay.  I've been reading your blogs and commenting when I can.  Take care....and happy hump day!
Big Hugs!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The weekend in review

Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a nice relaxing weekend.  I sure did. I thought I'd share it with you.  First of all, on Friday, my boys came home!! Yay!  I had rehearsal Friday night and then I came home and my sweet hubby had grilled steaks and veggies for us.  We had a wonderful dinner and enjoyed ourselves catching up.  Saturday I just cleaned house and chilled, then that evening John and I had date night.  We went to our old haunt, the place that we used to go at least once a week when we started seeing each other.  We had cocktails and appetizers and then went to a neighbors for drinks. 

Here's John enjoying his drink and shrimp cocktail....he's still rocking the Paleo diet!

John and I on the way home, we had fun!

Then on Sunday we just chilled out and that afternoon we went to see "Rock of Ages."  We both loved it.  I'm a huge sucker for a musical and the 80's music really was fun.  It was a really relaxing and wonderful weekend. 

John is still doing so great on the Paleo diet.  I'm doing my modified version of it and we're both feeling great.  My band has been at the perfect level of restriction for a couple of weeks now, but on Saturday, I got stuck and PB'd, it happened again last night.  Today I'm being very careful.  It's hard to eat Paleo when you're tight, that's for sure.  But I've really noticed a difference in the way I feel since I've eliminated bread and pasta from my diet.  This morning, my weight was still at 206, which I'm okay with, I'm really feeling confident that I will get the rest of my weight off.  I hope you guys have a great week.  I'll be busy with rehearsals and I'm looking forward to the day off for the 4th. 

Big Hugs!

PS -- My spell check won't work on blogger...and trust me I need it.  So please forgive any mistakes!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

It's Thursday and all is right with the world!

Hello. I hope all is right with you as well.  I have a lot to talk about.  I think I'll just use the trusty bullets:
  • I have indeed reaffirmed my vows and my feelings for my band.  I'm in love all over again.  My band is magically in perfect adjustment!  I haven't thrown up in more than a week.  I feel great, no pain when I eat.
  • I am fully aware that the fact that my band is being nice is due in great part to me being nice to it.  I have been listening to my body in a way that I had forgotten to before.  I have been following the rules.
  • My hubby is on his second week of the Paleo diet and he's rocking it.  He looks great, he feels great and he's completely dedicated to it.
  • I have been doing a modified version of the Paleo diet, (still including some dairy) and last night I had pita and kibbie.  I can say that I did not feel as well this morning as I have on the days after eating clean foods with no gluten.
  • I am going to slowly wean myself from dairy, it will be hard, but I think I can do it.
  • I've also decided to back of the wine for a while again.  On Friday night I had a vodka with club soda and that was tasty, plus I didn't over serve as easily as I would with the wine.
  • Today I am 6 months away from turning 50.  I feel more confident today that I will reach my goal before I turn 50 then I have since I got banded.
  • I have lost the weight I put on over Mother's Day. Today, I am 1 pound from my lowest post band weight.  That feels good.  I am 7 pounds from onederland....I want to get there this month.  Again, I feel confident that I can do it.
  • Emotionally I'm in a really good place right now.  I feel really good about myself.
  • I'm busy with rehearsals for the variety show I do each year.  I'm excited about that, but it's always hard to juggle family responsibilities with the show.
I guess that about covers it.  I hope you all have a great day and a great weekend.  I'm looking forward to some relaxation!

Big Hugs!

Monday, June 25, 2012

525,600 minutes... the philosophical post

click on this link to listen:

This is one of my favorite songs from any musical.  Take a moment to watch and listen, so you too can sing it for the rest of the day!  I have been thinking a lot lately...I know that can be dangerous.  But, I have.  Today I sat down to write a post about how much I have learned in the time that I've been banded.  In the 823 days, 117 weeks or the 1,094,297 minutes that I've had a relationship with this little piece of plastic.  I have learned so much.

So, how do you measure a year....how do you measure time? In sunsets, in cups of coffee, in love or as so many of us do...in pounds!  There is so much more that my band has done for me besides help me lose weight.  It's given me peace, and it's given me a measure of control and it's given me hope.  My relationship with my band has been very much like a marriage.

In my first year with the band, it was like the honeymoon stage, I was so in love with it, I was careful what I did, I never wanted to hurt it's feelings or show my bad side. I wanted only to keep it happy.  It served me well, we were new to each other...we were in love.

In my second year with the band, it was like the second year of marriage. I'd grown accustomed to the band, I was taking it for granted. I couldn't quite remember the way I felt when I first got it, I mean I still loved it, but the love wasn't as new and exciting.  I tested it, I wanted to see just how much it would put up with.  Would it endure my hormonal rants? It was no longer new.  The things I once found endearing, were cumbersome at times.  I didn't want to chew or stay away from bread...I pushed it...and I paid the price.  I wasn't the only one who paid the price, there were two sides to the story, my band suffered as well.

So began my third year, the newlywed stuff was over. Our relationship had evolved. I had a new appreciation for my band, I wanted to show it that I had changed.  But I was nervous too....I hoped I hadn't gone too far.  I hoped I hadn't pissed it off one too many times.  What if it was tired of me now? I started hearing stories about other relationships like ours, about how some bands decided to start pushing back.  Some bands got abusive and the end result was divorce. Some of these relationships were just plain over, no matter how hard they tried.  But then again, some bands were in it for the long haul, some of the relationships had become symbiotic, some were effortless.

So here I am, 117 days into my third year.  I'm regretting the way I mistreated my band and I'm hopeful that my band will continue to put up with me.  I started being kinder. I've learned some valuable lessons in this time, I'm still learning.  I learned that I did not want to know what it was like to be without this tool that I love.  I learned that getting back to the basics was what I needed to do to salvage this relationship.  And you know what?...I learned that I can still lose weight. When I'm honest with myself and I track my food honestly...the scale will reward me.  So, I reaffirmed my vows to my Band, I took a long weekend and spent some time remembering why I got in this relationship (like looking at your wedding pictures after a spat.)  I'm ready for the rest of this journey.  I don't take my relationships lightly, this is no exception.  I know there will be good times and bad.  But I've got a new feeling of commitment.  I'm going to reach my goal and I'm going to do it in my third year of band marriage.

Happy Monday!
Big Hugs!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Friday's Letters

We can give this a try:

Dear Ex-Husband,
 I hate summer visitation schedule.  The week that the boys are with me goes too quick, the week they are with you feels like an eternity.

Dear Current Husband,
 I love you, and I'm so proud of you for sticking to  your diet this week, even when work is so overwhelming.  You've helped me eat better this week too.

Dear scale,
 Thanks for today!

Dear Band,
 Make up your mind!

Dear Negative People,
 Snap out of it!

Dear rehearsal schedule,
  Please don't interfere with my family too much!

Dear House,
 Get ready to be cleaned!!

Dear Friday,
 What took you so long?

Dear Blogland,
 Thanks... and... Big Hugs,

Thursday, June 21, 2012


Hey guys, how are you?  I hope all is well.  This has been a really sad week.  One of my dear friends lost his battle with cancer this week.  SJ has been my friend for more than 25 years.  I often speak of the variety show I do each summer.  SJ has been in that show since it's beginning, 40 years ago.  He was my Duke on our Mardi Gras Court and he was a special person.  He only found out he was sick 6 months ago.  He had Pancreatic, Liver and Lung cancer.  It was tragic.  SJ is the second cast mate from the show to pass since the show last summer and we have another cast mate who is battling cancer right now.  It's times of loss like this that make you realize how fragile life is.  I mean the picture of us singing karaoke was taken 3 months before he found out he was sick.  As I attended the funeral services and visited with his wife and kids, my heart just breaks for them and what they must endure.  I hope that I never have to experience the loss of my husband.  I think about our Barbara and all that she has been through.  It's just tough. 

I start rehearsals for the show next week, my buddy won't be there to sit with at rehearsals, to go over lines with and to practice our songs together.  But, I will always treasure the fun times we had when he was here and he was healthy. Rest in Peace, SJ!

 me and SJ singing Sonny and Cher!
When we were Duchess and Duke...good times.

I'm looking forward to the weekend.  I hope you have a great day.
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Happy hump day! I'm so glad that this week is half over.  I'm ready for the weekend already.  Thanks for all of your comments on my last post.  I'm constantly amazed at the great support system we have going here.  As part of my "reaffirming my vows" with the band, I've been trying to really think about the helplessness I felt before I was banded.  I was at my sister's house Sunday and we were looking at old photo albums.  I was shocked to see this picture of  myself from Christmas 2004.  I'm so happy that I'm not there anymore, in so many ways, emotionally, physically...just in so many ways, I'm so much happier now.  I think it's important to keep our eyes toward the future, but also important not to lose track of the past. 

Have a great rest of the week,
Big Hugs!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

A word about being too tight.

Hey there, happy Thursday.  I hope all is going well with you.  Thanks for your sweet comments on my pity post about my phone and all.  And Kristin, yes I'm up for a challenge, I think that's a great idea, I'll message you on FB.

Now...on to an interesting topic.  I have struggled with my band a lot over the past year, being too tight, too loose and then tight again.  It's been 9 months since I had an adjustment and most of the time I think my fill level is just right, I am the issue.  I always was one to push the limits.  I do this with my band too.  I don't particularly like this about myself, but I must be honest and say that when I have an issue, 9 times out of 10, it could have been avoided, if I had been more careful or more mindful of my band and it's nuances.  Anyway, last year I had to get a little unfill because I was really struggling....I looked back on my blog trying to find a time-line of things and I was shocked by how long I had let things go being way to tight.  I then read my post about the unfill and the sheer excitement I felt being able to eat and drink, and how much better I felt immediately after eating real food.  Right after I got that unfill I went to the Dr. for my yearly blood work and found out that I was B-12 deficient and anemic.  I know that at that time I was not getting the proper nutrition, I wasn't really taking my vitamins either, because it was such a struggle to take medicine.  This year I went for my yearly blood work and everything was good, I was a little deficient in vitamin D, but everything else was great.  I'm taking a long time to explain all this, but anyway....I was malnourished.  About 7 months ago I noticed this divot in my thumbnail right at the quick it was a a horizontal crater looking area and I thought maybe I had jammed my nail and didn't realize it.  But now that it's grown out, I realized that there is a horizontal divot on all of my fingernails in the exact same place.  When I went for my blood work, I showed my Dr.  he said they are called Beau's lines and they are an indication of trauma to the body, like if I had a Scarlet Fever or a heart attack or took chemo therapy.  Obviously that has not happened, he said it also shows up in people with malnutrition. Hmmmm.  My nails are looking healthy now, but here is a picture of one of them and you can see the Beau's line that will soon make it to the end of my nail.

I was really shocked by this.  I was especially shocked that I could be malnourished and not lose any weight at the time.  I really do care about my health.  When I got the lapband, I did it as much for my health as I did to look better and feel better about myself.  I remember reading blog after blog while I was researching the band and when I read about people who were obviously not doing what was best for them, I was judgmental and I thought to myself..."I'll never be one of those people, I would never throw up and then try to eat again....I would never eat bread if I knew it would make me sick...I would never do this, or do that."  Well, well, well, after 2 years, I have to honestly say that I've done just about everything that I thought I wouldn't do.  I have let my food addiction rule me and I have made choices that were not in my own best interest.  I've started reading some of my old posts, trying to get a feel for the way I was feeling back then, the honeymoon is definitely over, but I am still in love with my band.  It's just time to re-affirm our vows, or something of the sort.  I saw the interview with the David the 650 pound virgin who lost so much weight and has now put on 250 pounds again.  I see myself in him, I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't had WLS.  It's just so easy to fall back into old habits.  I had my yearly lady doc appointment today and when I weighed in, it was 210, that's 5 pounds above my lowest since banding.  I can do better than this.  I need to do better than this I want to lose at the very least 30 pounds before my 50th birthday.  In order to do that I need to eat better foods.  I need protein in my diet, I have never done protein powders because I thought I should be able to get the protein in my regular diet.  I'm thinking I should try it for a while.  So, I'll take suggestions from anyone who has a favorite.  So, there you have it in a nut shell...I've been hanging out at the same darn weight for about a year, I've not been treating my body well and it's time that I make some changes.  You read it here first folks.

I'll leave you with a cute picture of me and my boys from Easter Sunday.  The river behind me is denial!  Have a great day!
Big Hugs!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Started out pretty bad...

but then it got better.... here is a bullet point summary of why.
  • Saturday was a great day, we had a huge karaoke party at our house....I drank way too much wine and woke up with a terrible hangover on Sunday....the worst I've had since I've been banded.
  • When I woke up with said hangover, all I wanted to do was eat greasy food and drink lots of cold water.  STUCK like a truck on everything, thus began the day of Hell.  I'd take a sip and PB and then try to eat something and PB again.  I was miserable.  So, since then, I've been on a very soft diet trying to let my band settle down and love me again.
  • I did not sleep well Sunday night, so that added to my overall crabbiness, so last night at 7:30 pm I took one Tylenol PM and I've been in a drug induced coma-like state all day.
  • This morning I couldn't find my sunglasses, and I was huffing about the kitchen, when I turned quickly in front of the sink, my IPhone flew in the sink full of water.
  • I started crying. My sweet husband grabbed it quick and dried it off. I was sad.
  • When I got to the office I realized there was no sound on my phone and I could only text.
  • Things start to get better though.  Sweet husband repeatedly checks on me to make sure my day is getting better
  • Then I got a new phone today...I got the new IPhone and Siri is possibly the best thing that could happen to someone like me who is nearly blind and can't see to text! Yay.
  • I got a new purse, and sunglasses too, because I was so pissed that I couldn't find my glasses and that my phone flew out of my purse!
  • I thought that all my stuff wasn't backing up when I synced my phone and I was stressed that I might lose my photos, but I didn't and all is right with my world.
In other news.  My weight is still hanging about the same.  I'm still holding on to 4 or 5 pounds from Mother's Day....who'd have thought that it would stick? I sure didn't but it appears to be very happy.  I don't see how, when I have days that I barely eat.  I will blog tomorrow about some issues that come along with an ill-adjusted band and plans to get the rest of my weight off before I turn 50...oy!

I hope you all have a great day.  As I said mine started out pretty sucky, but it's much better now.
Take care,
Big Hugs...

Friday, May 25, 2012

A quick check in...

Well, ready or not, Summer is here.  School's out and I'm excited to report that all of the kids survived finals and have advanced to the next grade.  I will have 2 seniors and 1 sophomore in the fall!  The year flew by.  And, I'm happy that we don't have to study and worry about school, but I'm not so happy about summer visitation.  My boys go to their dad's for 7 days straight, every other week during the summer.  I miss them so much when they are gone.  Sad face :((

In other news, my band has been nice to me, I have had a really good restriction level, and when I do PB, it's always user error.  So, that's a real blessing.  My weight is still up from the Mother's Day gain, I don't feel like changing my ticker yet though.  I guess if it sticks around much longer, I won't have a choice. 

My youngest son is a guitarist and he has waited all year to audition for show choir, freshman cannot be in the show choir.  Anyway, he's been preparing a medley of songs to showcase his talents and he auditioned yesterday...and YAY!! He made it.  I'm so happy for him.

Here is a cool picture of him playing his guitar...ready for his album cover, ha ha!

I'm so glad that it's Friday and a long weekend at that.  My poor husband has been working his butt off.  He has a new schedule at work and works most days from 3:30 am til about 3:00 in the afternoon, but his assistant was out yesterday and today, so he's working 3:30 til 5:30 or 6! I don't know how he does it and stays sane.  Anyway, I'm really looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.
I hope you all have a great one. And let's take time to remember why we have the day off on Monday, all those men and women who fought for our freedoms.  Happy Memorial Day!

Big Hugs,

Friday, May 18, 2012

Anyone know what day it is? I don’t have to tell you – do I? Fine. Fine. It’s FRIDAY!!! That means it’s time for Drazil's BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer five little questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!!

1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?

I was raised Catholic.  I love many things about the Catholic Church, the tradition, the theatrics, the predictability.  It has been my home since childhood.  My parents were very devout.  I credit the church and my mentors from the church with my survival when I lost my parents at an early age. I went to Catholic school for 12 years.  My children have always been in Catholic school.  My children are altar servers, and we go to church, but not every Sunday.  When I got divorced, and remarried, I was told that in the eyes of the church I was still married to my ex husband and that my current marriage wasn't really a marriage, that technically I was living in sin.  I personally don't need the churches approval for anything.  I know that I am now living with a man who treats me in a way that my God would want me to be treated, which is very much unlike the other man I was married to.  I am not bitter, I still like the church, and I love our church community.  I am glad that I was raised with the stability of my parent's faith and think it's important for my children to have the same stability.  I'm not great about that, but I'm not terrible either... they are good boys and they are faithful.  I have a rich spiritual life and don't think it has to fit in any particular category. 

2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?

So many candies....so little time! I love best of all...Brach's Maple Nut Goodies, they are the bomb.  I love chocolate, I love it all! I love dark chocolate with sea salt, Reese's....hell, it's no coincidence I had to have WLS!

3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?

I don't like to garden, my husband has a green enough thumb for the two of us. 

4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?
 I have no desire to get a tattoo. There is not a saying that I would want to have on my body....but pretend that I were a tattoo person....it would likely be...."The acts of this life are the destiny of the next" or..."The party starts here!"

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.

I've been struggling with the truth about my weight gain, feeling guilty and trying not to eat my way through the guilt.  My son and step-daughter had their Junior ring ceremony at school, gulp! We had the spring football game.  Finals are in full swing.  My youngest will audition for Show Choir next week, I'm nervous for him. And... Joshua Ledet our little home town American Idol got voted off last night and I'm not too happy about it.  I will live though. 
Wheww, that's about it....I'm soooooo ready for the weekend.
Hope yours is great!
Big Hugs!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mother's Day Weight Gain!

Hi there! I've been MIA for a little while.  And, sadly the time that I could have spent blogging was spent eating.  My weight is up and I'm not too happy about it.  A couple of weeks ago, we had a little dinner party with friends and we brought dessert, the following day we hosted a dinner party, lots of yummy's and more dessert.  The left overs spilled into the next week and then Mother's Day arrived in a Sea of wine and chocolates and all things fab. Then a graduation party we hosted last night, more goodies and party foods and wine.  So, I indulged more than I should have and well.  I'm paying for it now.  I really thought that the weight gain was not accurate, 6 pounds! Whatever...but guess what, it went down then back up again.  I'm very disappointed in myself and doing my best to get back on track.  I don't feel well when I eat badly, I don't feel well when I'm judging myself harshly.  I don't feel well when I gain at all! Hello...McFly? So, why do I do that to myself?  Old habits die hard I suppose. 

Mother's Day was really special. My husband treated me like a Queen, my boys were sweet too, I was showered with gifts and good wishes.  I love being a Mom, it is by far the most rewarding thing I've done.  I love my boys and my step children and I hope in the end that I do more things right in the Motherhood department then I do wrong. Here is a picture of me and my handsome sons on Mother's Day.

As far as the weight gain goes, I am disappointed in myself, but it is what it is and beating myself up about it isn't going to get the weight off of me.  It's just time to do what I have to to get that off and the other 30 I want to lose.  I have found in my dieting career that quick on is usually quick off...that's my story and I'm sticking to it! Ha ha!

I hope all of you who are Mother's had a wonderful day and I hope you have a great rest of the week.  Today is the Junior Ring Ceremony at my kid's school.  My oldest son and my step-daughter will be seniors! I can't believe it.  Take care!
Big Hugs!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Reevaluating my goals...

Happy Friday! Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support yesterday. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about my future weight loss goal and what it is that's holding me back. I've tried to refocus my efforts. I've been reading blogs, watching YouTube videos about WLS successes and generally trying to remember the feelings that lead me to have WLS. I don't want to go back certainly, but I think I've forgotten what it felt like to be so desperate to lose weight. I don't feel desperate anymore. That's a good thing, but I think that I would be more apt do better with my diet and exercise if I was a little more in touch with the feelings of my fatter self. Does that make sense?

I told you I wanted to change my goal to 175 maybe 180. I found a picture of myself from 1989. I was on Weight Watchers, my heaviest at that point was 207, I was mortified, I felt so defeated and so fat, I could not believe that I had let myself get above 200. I joined WW and lost 32 pounds, I thought I looked great and I certainly felt great. Here is a picture of me at 175. 

Once I got to 175, I felt like it was a weight that I could maintain. But my leader said that I would have to get a letter from my doctor saying it was okay, because the top number for my height and my age was 150 pounds. I remember feeling so defeated. I was happy with the way I looked, I felt like I might even be able to sustain the loss. I had worn a 2 piece bathing suit to the beach...and I wasn't embarrassed at all, I was wearing horizontal stripes for crying out loud! But, the news from my leader hurt my feelings so bad, that I just gave up. I remember driving through McD's on the way home....I'll show her! HA! In less than a year I had gained all my weight back plus 15 pounds more. How many times in my life have I punished myself because my feelings were hurt? My doctor would have gladly written a letter for me. I could have said "who cares...I feel good." But instead... I ate, because it made me feel better, I got fatter which made me feel worse, so I ate because that made me feel better, so I would feel worse.... a horrible cycle. So self destructive.

I've been hemin' and hawin' and staying the same, I've been maintaining, because I'm eating too much to lose. I've been eating for comfort at times. I've not been eating protein first most of the time. And, I've NOT been exercising. The thing is....I've been doing all these things and still maintaining my weight, so the truth is, I can make some really small changes and see results. Or if I was so inclined, I could make some dramatic changes and see dramatic results. I'm 23 years older than I was in that picture, I was 26. My body is different now, I don't have youth on my side like I did then, but I definitely have experience on my side. I know how to lose weight. I know how to cook healthy food that is delicious. And I know how to make time for me to exercise. I know where my goal lives, I just have to walk the walk to get there. And while I'm revving up to get there, I need to remember some of the pain that got me to this moment in time, a time that fortunately is pretty painless. I'm well aware that things could be worse. But, I'm thinking they could be a little better too.

Again, thanks for listening!
Big Hugs,