Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas was great. We had a wonderful time with our family. My hubby got me a Kindle Fire, LOVE it!! And I got lots of wonderful things. John was sick though on Christmas Day and on Monday and wasn't able to have dinner with us or anything, it was terrible. He's better now, but it was an awful stomach bug, what a way to spend the little bit of time he gets off.
I have lots to tell about the meetings with the life coach I was telling you about, but that will be a long post, so I'll have to do that one later. Our kids are doing well, we are enjoying the time off from school. And today is our 5th Wedding Anniversary. I can't believe it's been 5 years. John brought me lunch at my office today and he said, I can't believe it either...it seems much longer. Then he said, really, I feel like we've always been together. What a sweet heart. I have so much to be thankful for. He's a very patient and wonderful man, he has put up with a lot of crap from me! Poor thing! But all in all, I think we've done pretty darn well. I'm happy and so glad I'm married to him!
I did not even try to eat well over the holidays, I just enjoyed myself. I threw up several times, so I felt like it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but....Oh the sweets!!!! I'm up 4 pounds....Oh well, I don't think it's going to stick for long. I was telling my son last night, that when I was really fat, nearly 300 pounds, I could eat cookies all day and night, gain 15 pounds and never feel any fatter than I did the day before, but now that I'm just "less" fat, it's a whole different story. If I eat badly one day and go up a pound....or 4...Holy Cow, it feels like 40 and I'm not joking. I'm so ready for the New Year, I love the fresh start, the commercials on TV about all the latest exercise and diet items...it keeps it in my mind more. I'll leave you with a pic of me an my sweet hubby. I'm a lucky girl! If you're reading John, Happy Anniversary...I love you!
Happy Wednesday All, and Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Lordy, I guess I'll be busy this weekend. I hope you all are doing well, I'm reading... Take care!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
And this is Runner Dog! The sweetest dog on the planet. I kid you not. You cannot not fall in love with this dog. He is so sweet. He's a mixed breed and we don't know the combo, but we like to say he's a Cha-wiener, because I know he's got Dachshund in him and Chihuahua too. He loves to snack, and sleep and be loved on....I adore this dog!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
- We hosted my office Christmas party last Friday at our house. It was fun, we had a great turn out. This Friday , I'm hosting the Christmas party for the club that puts on the Variety Show I'm in each Summer. The following weekend we are hosting the Hubby's office party. Busy, busy!
- My baby turned 15!!!! My oldest will be 18 in less than 2 weeks. I'm feeling a little old!
- I'm on day 4 of my new thyroid meds. I'm still feeling about the same though.
- Yesterday, it was 72 degrees here, today it's expected to freeze! Crazy weather!
- I cut my husband's hair at 4am today...WTF?
- I think my funk has lifted. I'm feeling pretty darned good right now!
- My weight is still the same. Some days, I feel really good about myself, some days, not so much....so things are pretty much the same!
- I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet!
- Today, I finally gave in to the crave for a McD's egg nog shake. It was not worth it. But it is definitely out of my system now!
I guess that about covers things. I'll leave you with a few pics from the office party.
I hope you guys are doing well. I'm not too worried about the holidays. I'm hoping to start losing again, but we all know it takes more than hoping!
Monday, November 28, 2011
My husband's grandmother passed away on Thanksgiving day, she had a brief illness and surgery and had complications, she had to go back for emergency surgery and died a day later. She was 87 and one heck of a woman. I only met her once, two years ago when we went to My husband's mom's funeral. I liked her the moment I met her, she was very kind to me and I felt drawn to her as she was the same age that mother would have been. She and I talked about family, she told me stories about my mother-in-law, about my husband and about her life. She was just a very warm woman. I'm sad that she's gone, but I'm glad that she didn't suffer long and that she didn't lose her ability to care for herself. She was a very strong independent woman.
I have been in a bit of a funk lately, I've been irritable, anxious, hormonal, mean, crabby, the list could go on and on. I've really been trying to get a handle on my emotions and it hasn't been going well. But my eating has been going better and I did manage to exercise twice over the weekend. This morning I went for my six month check up with my endocrinologist. He did an ultrasound on my thyroid and one nodule is smaller, one is larger and a new one appeared. He sent me for blood work and said he's pretty sure that if my levels are the same he will go ahead and put me on thyroid meds. I hope so, I have so many symptoms of hypothyroidism that I think I could use the help!
Last night I got a call from a friend, he is a "life coach" for lack of a better description. He does personality testing for individuals and businesses to help people understand what motivates them so that they can perform better in the work place. He does very detailed testing to help people with their communication skills and that sort of thing. Anyway, he's been approached about doing a program geared toward bariatric patients and asked me to help him, being his test subject. I was really intrigued and excited about it. I told him that I've been stuck for a while, unable to move on to the next phase of my weight loss journey. He said he can help me with setting goals (I told him I'm not much of a goal oriented person, as I generally fail when I set goals.) He said he can help me with that too. He also told me he can help me to change my internal dialogue. Needless to say, I agreed to help him and am hoping that he will help me as well. I'll keep you posted.
I have a busy weekend ahead, my office party is Friday at my house. I have my tree up, but no decorations yet, so I have a bit of work to do to get ready. It's all good though, one of the things I already know about myself is that I work well under pressure. I'm sorry that I've been absent from the blog scene, but I'm still reading your blogs. I can't believe it's almost Christmas!! My baby turns 15 on Friday, I can't believe that either. I hope you have a wonderful week and thanks for the support and friendship that you guys have given me!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Fluffy's post today about her journey was just what I needed to read, she talked about putting the work in, doing what you have to do. I went back and read a bunch of her posts from the beginning of her journey. It made me feel better. I've met Fluffy...so, it's hard for me to even imagine her being fat. She looks like the picture of health, she's active and confident. She just looks like a person who's never had to think twice about her weight! But in the beginning she was like me, depressed about being fat, feeling hopeless, not having the energy to lose weight one more time knowing that it will come back with more! She has even had some set backs. She is in a place now that most of us can only dream about. And today, she's what I'm using for inspiration to do the right things. I'm going to follow the band guidelines today, I'm going to track my food today and I'm going to move my body. Because if I do it today, I might do it tomorrow. I'm going to continue to pray the something clicks with me, that if I act like I'm committed, I'll become committed. Hope with me!
I'm glad it's Friday!!!
I don't have the energy to do BYOC today, but my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is Cornbread dressing...and family of course.
Friday, November 11, 2011
In other news, I'm about to get on a bus to go to my son's high school football play off game, about 4.5 hours away. With a bunch of other crazy parents. This will be my first time to go on the bus. Wish me luck.
I'm going to blog more next week, as I think my general lack of commitment is spilling in to all areas of my life. My housework is not as it usually is, my pre-planning in all areas, is lacking. Maybe I need shock treatment. Anyway...happy Friday, I'll be in touch next week.
Monday, November 7, 2011
First of all, there is a lot of addiction in my family, both of my parents had siblings who were alcoholics, my niece is currently in rehab, many of my first cousins are alcoholics and my sister and I both have food addiction issues. About 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that my eating was not normal. I guess, in some way I had always known that, but my weight had always been pretty normal. My sister was the heavy one, I was the skinny one...funny how things change!! Anyway, I knew that my friends didn't feel about food the way I did. They didn't obsess over foods like I did and I never knew them to hide food and eat in secret. This was big for me, it still is. I started to eat for comfort when I was a young girl and my Mom was very sick. I remember visiting her at the hospital and having trouble concentrating on anything else but the vending machine downstairs. The summer after Dad died, I was 14, my Mom had died the year before and I was home alone most of the day. That is when I really started to binge for comfort and control. I was alone with my food, I loved to eat large quantities of food, when no one could find out about it. These behaviors stuck with me through high school, college and ultimately lead me to obesity and the lap band. When I got my lap band, the quantity of food was limited for me, my hunger levels were better, I was doing pretty well. I was still going to therapy and actively working on my issues with food. The first year flew by and somehow, I managed to lose 61 pounds. When I think about it,I'm still amazed. I've been able to keep this weight off, although I bounce up and down 2 to 3 pounds depending on the day. I have 30 to 40 pounds left to lose (I'm not certain yet) and I want to lose them. But, it's obvious that I don't want to lose them bad enough to alter my behavior and do what I need to do to get there. I've been taking my own sweet time and mourning the fact that I can't binge anymore. Some days, I can binge, well not a full on binge, but a lapbander's binge and some days I do it. I'm not proud of that, at all. I have a great deal of shame when it comes to my relationship with food. That is something I need to work on. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving on with the next phase of my weight loss. I do know that I'm afraid that I can't do it. And, I'm afraid to be thin. Right now, I'm pretty comfortable, I am not the biggest person in the room like I used to be. I can shop in normal stores. I can fit in chairs comfortably. I don't always feel like people are judging me and making fun of me. I feel physically so much better than I did before. But I know that I can feel even better. I want to lose 20 pounds before Mardi Gras, I have a dress that my sister gave me that I want to wear to the cocktail party, I have almost 3 months to do it. I used to be unfazed by the thought of losing 30 pounds in 3 months, let alone 20. But I haven't lost an ounce in 6 months. My fill level is good, not too tight, not too loose. It's my head that is not right. How can I get my head in it at this stage of the game? Anyone? I'm getting on my own nerves with this bullshit. I keep talking and not doing! Ugh! I know what I need to do. I just don't do it! I'm trying to be honest with myself, that's a step in the right direction, I hope!
I hope you all have a great Monday and a wonderful week ahead!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Especially when it's love...of....Chocolate! I didn't even buy any Halloween candy. I was that lady, blinds pulled tight, porch light off, hiding in the shadows, keeping that devil chocolate out of my house. But then, it happened like it often does, the inner beast, it taunts me..."Oh, honey, you didn't have any chocolate for Halloween, you were so good...reward yourself!" So, I bought chocolate. I brought it to work around all the hungry, burly men, I shared, but not before I ate more chocolate than I've had in a long time. It hurt...a lot! Last night I lay in bed an ache in my gut that reminded me why I'm so glad I don't overeat everyday of my life anymore. I lay there, reminiscing about that time, when, if I had bought chocolate, I would not have shared, I would not have eaten it in front of anyone, I would have eaten it all and wanted more, I would have gone to bed, ashamed, feeling poorly, but only to get up and do it again. Since I've been lacking in motivation lately and feeling a bit down on myself lately, feeling like a failure because I've been maintaining, rather than losing. I haven't taken the time to appreciate all that my band has done for me. So, Pearl (my band)...thanks for all you've done for me. I appreciate you and I'm so glad I have you in my life. I'm sorry I don't always treat you with the respect you deserve, but today, I'm going to take a little time and reflect on what life would be like without you and take the steps to get back on the right track. Maintenance is good, very good, but I've got a ways to go...so it's time to step up.
Have a great day, big hugs,
Monday, October 31, 2011
On the band front, I'm just not really motivated lately to be particularly good. I can't tell you how many compliments I keep getting from people, telling me that they can really tell I've lost more since they've seen me last, which is crazy, I haven't lost any weight months. In fact, I'm waffling back and forth with 2 pounds up and down on a regular basis. I just don't get it. I really want to get motivated. I keep thinking, well... now that I've acclimated to this weight, I'll start to really get my groove back. It's true, I'm starting to feel like this is the new heavy me, I can't really remember what it felt like to be as heavy as I was. I feel good right now, but I'm starting to feel like my gut is huge and my muffin top is very visible, so maybe that's a good sign right? I don't want to get too comfortable. I do want to get the rest of my weight off, and let's face it, my skin has had more than enough time to adjust. So...hello...body...brain...band....it's okay, you can do your thing now!
Thank you all for the kind comments and prayers about my last post. It's been a really rough week for my kids and their school. I really appreciate your support.
Hope you all have a great week!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I am on Facebook. My children are on Facebook. I got on, because I wanted to see what my kids were up to and to keep tabs on them. I'm amazed daily by the things that young people particularly (but often older people too) will post. Cruel things, obscene things...as if their words have no affect. I know that things are different today then they were when I was a young. When I was growing up, if you wanted to say something to someone, you called them on the phone, or you talked to them in person, or you wrote a note and passed it in school. When you speak to someone face to face, it's so much more real. These children text each other and they say things that they would not say to someone's face. It is all quite disturbing. I cannot believe that these bullies could not see what they were doing to this girl. The outpouring of love and support for this girl has been overwhelming, how sad that it has come too late. How sad that all of these words, these acts of kindness can't change what has already happened.
As our children get bigger so does the scope of their problems, they are no longer wrapped in the innocence of youth. It is so sad indeed. Hug your children extra tight today and let them know how special they are.
Monday, October 24, 2011
First of all, thank you for all of your wonderful supportive comments about my last post. I'm amazed at the friendships that have developed through this blog and because of my lap band experience. It means so much to me that you get me. Thank you, thank you!
Secondly, I had a wonderful time at my class reunion. It was great to see people that I have not seen in 30 years. On Friday night we went to the football game together and then out to a little hole in the wall, restaurant / bar. We hung out, got reacquainted with those we hadn't seen in a while and we sang karaoke. It was really fun.
Saturday night we had a get together at a local club, we had a decent turn out, not a ton of people but a good turn out. It was really fun, we were able to catch up, find out what people have been up to and we just hung out. My friend Christy picked me up, so I didn't even have to worry about not drinking, or getting a cab. Great night. Some of you might remember Christy, I talked about her on my blog, and she even blogged (briefly). Christy and I have so much in common, we graduated high school together, we both were thin in high school, we both married men who treated us badly, had two children with said bad men and we both gained a ton of weight, we both also lost a ton of weight many times, only to gain it back. Christy and I were not great friends in high school, we didn't hang out, but she was always very sweet to me and I think we always considered one another friends. Later in life we were neighbors and we did lots of things together, always running in the same crowd. Christy and I both divorced and then married wonderful hard working men, who love us and only want us to be happy. When I got the lap band, Christy was at the end of her rope (can we all identify) and I went with her to my surgeon's seminar about WLS. She decided to get Gastric Bypass and...wow, she's one year out and down 100.4 pounds. The transformation is unbelievable. I know that the lap band was the right choice for me, but to see Christy do so well, so quickly, kind of makes me wonder a little. Then, I realize, I'm doing fine, the stop in my weight loss is a result of my choices, not the lap band not doing it's job. I want to get to my goal, and honestly I don't care how long it takes me to get there. I feel really good about where I am, even though it's not the finish line, I can definitely see that I'm doing alright in this race. In 2004 Christy and I were with a group of women on a little trip for my niece's graduation, I have a picture that we took together then and I told her at the reunion we should take another picture and I would make a comparison of the two. Well, I did and wow, it's amazing to see how much younger we both look, how much happier and healthier we both look. What a blessing this has been. I just have to share that picture too.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
When I reflect on that time and the woman that I was, I'm overcome with regret at times for the way I allowed myself to be treated and regret for the time I lost. I am also overcome with gratitude for the life that I have now. On that day in 2004, if you had told me that in just a few years I would be living like I am now, I would not have believed it. I never thought that I would be able to find love again, I didn't think I could take care of myself and my kids, I didn't think I'd be able to feel safe and secure and happy. But I do! Back then, I believed that it was all my fault and that I was broken, I believed that in some way, I deserved to be mistreated, it was Karma. I did not see my own worth let alone my own strength.
So many things happened in the years after that day...slowly, but surely I began to piece my life back together, to gain some control again. I had used my fat as my armor, it protected me from the outside, and it kept me "real" (in my mind, it kept me faithful to the life I had chosen for myself.) It wasn't just that I was fat, I had lost my softness, my femininity, I no longer looked like the woman I had been, I no longer really cared. But, slowly, as I started to feel again, I started to heal. And, I started to reevaluate some things in my life. For one, my weight, my health, my harshness. As I healed, I learned to love again, I learned to trust again...I found out that it was okay to be soft, that my fragility would be safe in the hands of others. I found a man, who loved me as I was, he saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He reminded me daily that he loved me and that I was safe, he supported me in all endeavors and he continues to be by my side in my lap band journey and my life journey. He does this even though he knows just how crazy I am.
I believe in fate, I believe that things happen for a reason. My life before was what brought me to the life I have now, so I cannot begrudge it. My ex husband gave me two beautiful children, I would never want to change that. Had I gotten out of my marriage years before, I might have missed out on being in the right place at the right time to meet the love of my life. I would certainly never want to change that! And, living as a fat woman, coming to the end of my proverbial rope, well that brought me to the lap band, which in turn brought me to an incredible source of love and support in this area of my life. I am forever grateful for that.
There are times when my life feels busy and out of control, times when I fall back on old habits, I try to solve a problem that is not hunger related with food (old habits), times when I berate myself for having eaten out of boredom, hurt or frustration. There are times when I look a picture of myself from seven years ago and I feel a wave of shame and hurt all over again, but then I realize that it was all just a part of my journey. It is part of who I am, without it, I wouldn't have what I have today, so, even though it is hard to look at the old me, it is something I need to remember, something that I can't begrudge. I can't appreciate how far I've come unless I look at where I've been.
On that note, I'll leave you with a pic of me from 2004 and one of me from BOOBS this year. It's good to look back but it's even better to look forward, and focus on the future. Have a wonderful weekend!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Stacey, Ronnie, Brandi and Debi
Brandi, Stephani and Jacquie (they all have the same surgeon!)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Jenny and Jessica
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I hope everyone is doing well. It was so nice to see old friends in Chicago and to meet new ones. It really is surreal when you meet someone for the first time but feel like you've known them forever! I will write more about that and all the fun things we did in Chicago.
But for now I'll just say, while I was in Chicago, my eating was great, I didn't gain any weight, I felt really good, we were active, we ate and drank but nothing out of control. I came home and felt like I wanted to eat everything in sight. I have not felt like exercising, I've been on the border of getting sick and have been using that as an excuse for not moving.
It's time for me to take an honest inventory of my life, time to reevaluate my eating and get back in gear. I've just been maintaining for the last 7 months....seriously? What has happened to my reserve. I don't want to stop here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I have been able to maintain all this time, because that is unheard of for me. And, perhaps I'm just taking a break here...maybe I'm just a lazy ass and don't care anymore. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what's different now. I know I feel better, I feel more normal, but I'm a long way from being thin. I don't know what to make of my lack of commitment. I generally am a very committed person. I could use any advise you might have.
I will leave you with a pic of me an my roomies, Vickie and Jacquie. We had so much fun together. Love these girls and miss them!
Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
See you on the flip side.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I'll be leaving for Chicago early on Thursday. I have so much work to get done before. I'm a nervous traveler, so...well...I'm nervous. And of course, I don't know what to bring, clothing wise. I really only got cold one time last year and that was on the boat for the Architectural Tour. I'm doing the walking tour on Friday, and Maria said to bring comfy shoes. Here's the dilemma with that. I hate having to pack sneakers, because they take up so much room. But if I have to be walking, I guess I need to be comfy! I'm excited, even though I'm nervous. I can't wait to see my old pals and meet some new ones!
Friday, September 23, 2011
1. If you were a character on Friends, who would you be and why? Probably a little bit of several: Monica, because, well I have control issues, especially with my household chores and cooking, Chandler, because I'm pretty quick witted and see things differently, Phoebe, because...I can be really ditsy sometimes and Ross and Joey...because I'm a geek who happens to be super cool! LOL! Not Rachel though.
2. If you weren't in your current career what other career do you think you would have done?
I'd like to be an actress.
3. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 6? A movie star!
4. Do you think everyone only has one soul mate or true love? No, I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, that we are with them and love them when we are supposed to and then , we move on and love others. I believe that there are many opportunities for our souls to find a mate and for our souls to be nurtured. I have several of those people in my life.
5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land. Blog land is buzzing with excitement as we get ready for Chicago! Real life is busy, it's homecoming week for my kids, we've had lots of preparation to get ready, parade, pep rally, tonight is the game and the dance is tomorrow. I'm excited about Chicago, but I'm a little bit of a reluctant traveler. So, I'm having my usual pre-trip anxiety when I travel alone. Other than that, I'm really excited to be going and to see everyone! Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of Hurricane Rita, I've been thinking a great deal about how much my life has changed since then. I feel like I've been with my husband forever, we weren't even dating when Rita came. My boys and I had left my ex-husband a year before Rita, but we were still in the throws of nasty divorce proceedings. It was a time when I was so unsure of myself and I was faced with one of the biggest messes of my life. My boys and I lived in a tiny travel trailer for 15 months, we learned how to do without many things, we learned how important family is and how unimportant possessions can be. In the course of rebuilding my home, I rebuilt my life as well, I fell in love with the man who had become my best friend, I found strength, I found the blessing of true friendship and I found a new family. The last 6 years have been wonderful, not free of troubles and stress, we flooded again 2 years after Rita, but wonderful none the less. I'm so grateful for all the many blessings in my life. I'll leave you with a few pictures of my home one week after Hurricane Rita. I was staying with my boys in Houston and they allowed us to come into town for a "look and leave" day. I remember driving into town and feeling like it just wasn't real.