Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Rock? Hard Place?

I'm stuck between them.    It's been more than a year since I've had an adjustment to my band.  The last time I went in was to get 1/2 cc put back in after having 1cc taken out prior to that.  I have been just going along... some days good, some days bad, as far as the band goes.  My band is very fickle and hormonal changes wreak havoc on my band.  It seems that half of every month I can eat well, the other half I have trouble with liquids. 

Anyway, on Thanksgiving day, I got stuck, first bite of food and I spent most of the day sick  I had trouble with liquids even.  My band was so irritated that I had trouble with everything, even liquids for about 10 days to follow.  So, a couple of days ago, I finally had enough and called to schedule an unfill.  The next morning I wake up and my band is all loosey goosey again! WTF? How can that happen?  I stressed over it all day yesterday and today and finally, I canceled the appointment.  Now, I just don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.

Here's the deal.  I have been at the same spot weight wise for a year.  I've gotten pretty comfortable with this spot, evidently.  I'm happy that I'm not gaining, I wish I was losing, but I'm not devastated to be sitting at this spot.  So....here is my dilemma. I know that many times my band is just too tight and that it won't allow me to make the healthiest choices, food wise.  I also know that after a period of my band being too tight, I feel desperate, like "man I can finally eat something, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, I better eat today!"  I feel like, if I could consistently make better choices, without fear of pain and PB, that I might actually do that.  I also feel this overwhelming fear that if I get even the tiniest bit out, I'll eat like a pig and gain all my weight back.  I don't know what the answer is. 

So, I'm at a spot where I need to make a decision about my band and myself.  Am I willing to make a change? Am I willing to put the work in that I once did?  I've gotten pretty lazy.  I don't know...but, I do know that if nothing changes...nothing will change.

That's it.

Big Hugs!


Barbara said...

Wow. You stole the post I was going to write Honestly. I have not had a fill in over 2 years and within the last several months I have been in band hell with tightness I have a funky regimen now. I need a glass of wine to relax my stomach to eat otherwise. Well you know. I want o say it's nerves because like you stated one say great next day hell. How can at be. I don't get it. I too don't want to get the unfiltered especially now during the holidays. I still do not have self control. Hang in there T. You will figure out the right move for you.

Tina said...

I think there are a bunch of us right in this spot. I think we are looking at the biggest problem with the band. At one point I used to look forward to the hormone changes as it usually would kick my weightloss in gear but these days..I just cannot seem to get away from this 178-181 range. I am scared to death about unfilling what I recently put in because I don't want to gain more but also a little piece of me thinks..heck. I was at 180 then and now I get what..3 pounds for this much agony? ..it is a difficult spot. I know part of my problem is exercise but I haven't yet done anything about it.

Steph said...

Is it complacency that sets in? I know that was my deal for a while and I rationalized everything. I realize though that I will stay where I am unless I get back to the mindset I once had. The place I am at is fine now, but I know I can do better and I'm not going to settle after having put all this hard work into things. I know you will find what is right with you, but the best thing to so is step back and really evaluate what your goals are and how you, just like so many others, can get back to where we need to be. Big hugs to you!

Darlin1 said...

Yep ...I'm right there also. Some days tight some days not. No fill for almost 2 years and worrying....BUT NOT TOO MUCH ...about maintaining or losing the last 20 pounds!


MandaPanda said...

For me, it's mental. I never get too tight to eat so unfortunately, I can't relate to that part. What I can say is that if you recognize that being so tight causes you to make poor choices even once you loosen up again, then perhaps and unfill and commitment to make good choices is what's needed. For me...I know it's all in my head and if I made better choices, I'd be at goal by now. The band can only do so much.

~Miss Lorie~ said...

My band is a fickle mistress as well. What I prefer to do is keep it lose, then make good food choices on my part and make sure that i'm not over eating. When I let my band dictate what I can and can't eat I end up surviving on chocolate and ice cream... not pretty. It is up to you, but in my opinion being too tight STINKS and makes things worse!