Thursday, December 30, 2010

Things I want to do differently in the New Year

Well, as always this is a time of year when I spend some time thinking about how the previous year went, and some time thinking about how I want the next year to be. Since, I just don't know when, I have always focused my plans for the new year around weight loss. This year will be no different in that I do want to reach my goal weight in the upcoming year, but this year is different, because this year I know I can do it. I often wonder if that is why I never could lose weight for good before....was it because I never believed that I really could? This time is different, this time I believe that I can and this time I don't care how long it takes me, as long as I get there.

I've been blogging for more than a year now and I haven't shared my weight yet. I don't know why I have such a hang up about it, but I do. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh either. He asked me to tell him recently and I said no, he asked me if I thought it would change the way he felt about me. I don't know the answer to that, obviously I do think that or I would have shared by now. Maybe it's because it definitely changes the way I feel about myself. I think it's an important step for me to actually write down what I weigh, to speak it and really own it. I know many of you bloggers are so open and honest about your weight you keep a ticker and you share openly about it. This is something that I hope to have the strength to do in the very near future. But still, I just don't know if I can. It is a goal of mine though and it is a goal of mine to start being more honest about other uncomfortable things as well.

Another goal of mine for the new year is to be more active. I have been lazy and I need to change that. Although it's challenging for me to get my workouts in, it is not impossible and it needs to be a priority. I will do better this year. Overall, I'm really happy with the way last year went and optimistic about the coming year. I will really work on doing some things differently and being more honest.
Happy New Year!
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Looking forward to the New Year!

I'm looking forward to bringing in a new year. 2010 was a good year for me. One of the highlights of that year has been getting banded and then losing 50 pounds. Last year at this time I was still struggling to get insurance approval and feeling so defeated. This year I believe that 2011 will bring me to my goal weight. I never thought I would feel so confident about realizing my goal. I can say that although it has taken me 9 months to lose 50 pounds, I feel like those pounds are really gone. It hasn't been painful, it's been slow and steady and if it takes me 9 months to lose the next 50, I will be at my goal weight in September. But either way I feel confident that 2011 will indeed bring me to my goal. What a wonderful thing to look forward to. I am so happy with the changes so far and can't wait to be able to share with you what it feels like to be at a normal healthy weight. It's been a wonderful year and I'm looking forward to an even better one to come!
Have a great day!
Big Hugs!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

4 years ago today...

Yes, 4 years ago today...I married the love of my life. I know that sounds completely corny, but it's true. I am so lucky to have found John, he is an amazing man, he's funny, he's soooo patient, he loves me, in spite of ME, he loves my children and we have so much fun together. Life is good. Happy Anniversary Honey!

December 28, 2006, we had just said our vows.

Saying our vows with our children present, what a wonderful night,
the Judge who married us is our dear friend.

This is where we married, at the beautiful home of our other dear friends.

And, cutting the wedding cake.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day, I have so much to be thankful for.
Big Hugs!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Wow, what a Christmas!

I survived the holiday. My boys are back home with me, we had 16 people for Christmas Dinner,and more friends dropping in after dinner. The first guest arrived at 12:30 pm and the last guest left at 11:30 pm. All in all it was a wonderful day. We had terrific food, great wine, great company, wonderful gifts and I didn't gain 10 pounds over the holiday. I did really well food wise until yesterday at my friends house, I ate 5 salted caramels! I just couldn't help myself, I'm doing the "day after too much sugar, jonesing for more thing!" I know that if I just stay away from sugar today, tomorrow will be better. I can't believe how different this Christmas was from last year. I enjoyed myself as always, but this year, I went to bed with a clear conscience, no wishing I had a stomach pump. What a great feeling, even after the 5 caramels from yesterday...they totalled 350 calories, a little guilt inducing, but a far cry from the binges of Christmas Past! I love Pearl. What a great feeling to have the Holiday be about the actual Holiday rather than the food and my guilt about the food. My sister gave me some old pictures from Christmas a few years back, OMG...I cannot believe that the picture is of me! I'll share when I have a chance to scan it. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, I'm looking forward to 2011 and all that it holds. Have a great day!
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

8,760 hours ago...

My how things have changed in a year. I just read an old post from a year ago and I can't believe the change in me in one year. Sure, there have been some physical changes, but the emotional and mental changes are what I am most proud of right now. Just a year ago, I felt powerless when it came to my food issues. Last year at this time I was really dreading Christmas, because it represented another day of uncontrollable eating for me. The holidays were filled with cookies, pies, all things decadent and then followed with a giant helping of remorse. The cycle I was in was so painful and so destructive, but I just couldn't seam to get myself out of it. When I read that post, I can say that I remember how kind everyone in this community was to me, how much support and understanding I got from everyone and how I felt (although I was afraid to say it) a glimmer of hope. I remember playing out in my head what it would be like to have the surgery, what my life would be like. One of my biggest fears was giving up my way of life, I was so dependent on food for comfort. I remember reading one of Catherine's post about her friend saying to her before surgery, if you really want to change things, you're going to really have to change things... so simple and so true. The way my life was last year was not working for me. As scary as it was, I'm thankful beyond expression for this change in my life. I no longer feel hopeless or helpless. I feel quite empowered, and I feel like I will get to my goal weight and I will stay there, what a blessing.
Thank you all for the part you have played in both my decision to have WLS and my ability to be successful. At this wonderful time of year I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have been given and for the wonderful friends I've made along the way. Merry Christmas!
Big Hugs,

Did I mention I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday?!?!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I'm finished with my shopping!

Oh Holy Cow! This is indeed a rare day, first a lunar eclipse and now...I am finished with my Christmas shopping! (insert radiant beam of light and a choir of angelic voices hear!) I must say that this never happens before Christmas Eve. But on this day in December in the year 2010, I declare that I am done!
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Big Hugs,

Monday, December 20, 2010

Recap of the weekend

John grilling the steaks, yummm.

The pergola and deck area, looking festive.

John and I as Santa & Mrs. Claus

The party was a success, everyone had a great time and the food was wonderful! Once again, it's Monday and I feel like I haven't had a weekend, I'm worn out. Christmas is coming quickly and I have lots to do to get ready. Dinner is at our house this year and as you probably have figured out, we love to be the hosts!
Here's my recipe for crab & corn bisque for those who asked. Warning, this is not a low cal dish, but it's fabulous.
2 bags frozen corn
2 pounds crab meat (I like claw meat rather than lump)
1 purple onion
1 bunch green onion chopped
3 gloves of garlic chopped
1 tablespoon chopped sweet basil
2 sticks of butter (I told you so)
1/2 cup of flour
1 pint half & half
2 cups milk
4 oz. cream cheese
In a large pot saute onions and garlic in 1 stick of butter until onions are clear, add corn and saute until thawed. Add crab meat, cream cheese half & half and milk, cook on a low. Now take the other stick of butter at room temp and sprinkle flour over the top of it on a plate, take a fork and press the butter and flour together until it is mixed together well, add this to the soup and continue cooking on low heat until corn is tender, season to taste. If the bisque is too thick for your taste, add more milk.
You can lighten this bisque up, but when I'm serving it to guests, I got for the full fat, decadent version, it is amazing.
I hope you all have a wonderful week. Big Hugs.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Love me some Friday!

I do! I have a very busy weekend ahead of me, but I'm excited. Today my husband and I were Santa & Mrs. Claus at school, it was fun and a role we've done before. I hope to have some pictures to post soon. This weekend I have to do some Christmas shopping to do, but first things first. I have to clean my house tonight because tomorrow is my husband's office party at our place. My boys go to their dad's today until Christmas Eve at 9:00 pm, that bums me out, but I'll be so happy to see them on Christmas. The holidays are always hard when the boys are gone for a long period of time. My routine is so tied into their activities that I feel a little lost without them.

I'm excited about the party tomorrow, we are going to have some wonderful food, I'm making a crab bisque, and the side items, my husband is grilling the steaks and boy does he do a good job. I feel like I'm about to have a good loss, I've been holding steady for the last couple of weeks, but I feel it coming, I hope this weekend will bring me to a new low. This is new territory for me and it's pretty exciting. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll post pics from the party soon.
Big Hugs!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A little food for thought.

First of all, thank you for your sweet comments about my pictures yesterday, you really make me feel great! Last night I went out with the girls for a friend's birthday celebration. We went to an Italian restaurant that I love and I got a glass of wine and asked a friend if she would share the shrimp appetizer with me. This is a girl that I really like, we have great conversation every time we are together. She is a writer, who just got a publisher by the way, and writes for a local health magazine. I kept telling her to eat up, because I would not be able to eat more than 4 or 5 shrimp total. She, being a journalist, starts asking me questions about my relationship with food now. She asked me if I still enjoy food, since I can't eat very much. It told her that I think I enjoy food more now for several reasons. First, I don't feel badly when I eat something, even if it is high calorie, because I can't eat very much of it, I am much more satisfied with food now, and since I don't eat that much, I don't waste my time on something that doesn't taste great to me. Also, I told her that my eating disorder was a binge disorder, it was always more about the quantity of food than the quality of food or even the taste, because when I was in the midst of a full on binge, I really don't recall enjoying the food at all after the first couple of bites, in fact, every binge ended with me feeling ashamed, disgusted and having to sleep it off. She then asked me if food grossed me out now. I said, not at all, I still like food and appreciate the art form of well prepared and beautifully presented foods, however, I do get grossed out when I see people taking huge bites of food or really large amounts of food. In fact, for me to go to a restaurant with a buffet is down right painful, I get thoroughly grossed out. Who'd have ever thunk it, right? I mean a buffet for me, used to be what dreams were made of.

I feel really lucky to have been given a chance at a normal relationship with food via the band. I'm so grateful that my insurance paid for the majority of my surgery cost, that my husband loves and supports me and was willing to explore this option with me. When I look at that picture from my Christmas card last year I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude. I was so completely unhappy about my weight last year, it was such a struggle and I really did not have it in me to attempt weight loss again on my own. I felt so defeated as if no matter how much weight I lost I would never be able to live life on the other side of the diet. I just feel like finally I have the tool that I need to have long term success achieving a healthy weight. What a wonderful feeling.

I have a big weekend again, my husband's office party is at our house on Saturday, I'm excited and will start my preparations tonight. I'm behind on Christmas shopping, but that's nothing new. So, I hope everyone has a great day, again, thank you so much for your support and kindness.
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Christmas card comparison.

click on the picture to make it bigger.
Okay folks here it is, the one on the left is last years Christmas card (I scanned it, so excuse the grainy look) and the one on the right is this years. I have to say I really do see a difference in me. Last year at this time I was miserable, I was unhappy in every outfit I put on, I was hoping to be banded in January and met with one delay after the next. I remember my poor husband looking at me with fear in his eyes one night and asking me what I would do if I couldn't get the band. I looked at him and said, "jump off the bridge!" I was only half joking.

Getting the band has changed my life so much. I feel in control of food for the first time in decades. My hips and back don't hurt, my feet don't hurt, I have more energy, I sleep better and I think I look better too. I can only imagine what the next 50 pounds will do for me.
Merry Christmas Y'all!
Big Hugs,

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A quick hello and pics from the weekend.

Me and my two crazy sons!

My oldest son and his girlfriend.

My youngest son, you know...the one my Mom was talking about when she said, "I hope you have one just like you someday!" Silly boy.

I had a nice weekend with my boys. My husband was deer hunting and, since my boys will be with there dad next week, we celebrated my oldest son's 17th birthday with a nice dinner. We had a really nice time and some great food. My boys are so funny, they keep me amused and it really made me happy to spend time with them.
Things are going well on the band front. My weight hasn't changed, but, today I'm wearing a size 16 jeans. I have had them in my closet for 4 1/2 years. And this is the weirdest thing... on Saturday my boys and I were shopping and we were at this store and I passed by a mirror, I said quick boys, come see, it's one of those trick mirrors, it makes me look skinny. My boys came over and they said, it's a normal mirror mom. I looked again and I swear it didn't look like me. I was stunned. I'm going to have to call that an NSV of sorts.
Tomorrow I'm going to post our family Christmas card and last years card. I really can see a difference in that picture. I hope everyone has a great day!
Big Hugs,

Friday, December 10, 2010

BYOC Friday

Draz's BYOC

DISCLAIMER: First of all, I can't make the text normal on this, I don't know what Draz does but all that highlighting doesn't transfer well, so....because I'm slightly OCD, it is important that you know that I am not purposely having some text highlighted and different sizes. Okay, now, let's move on!

If you are new, you can find Draz at

1. It is negative degrees here. Today I drove 35 all the way to work because I followed a snowplow who was also salting the roads. It's too cold to even go sledding or ice skating. The weather is downright nasty. It's freaking Winter alright? Why then – may I ask – when driving home last night did I see not one, but two MEN – driving big "I'm a man with a small penis so I drive this HUGE truck with deer antlers on the front and playboy mud flaps and mufflers coming out of the box" trucks with their windows OPEN? Why do men do that?

Men do that, because they are bundled up like Eskimos and don't have enough sense to take off the jacket, also because many of them smell bad, that mixed with the heater in the truck…not good! Women on the other hand know how to layer and smell good!

2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight? Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? No, I have no idea why I thought of this but it crossed my mind and now I want to know. I love that little man. I want to get my fingers tangled in that hornet's nest of hair he has. I think I'd feel better about life if I knew Richard wasn't alone. But then again – who on Earth could tolerate that voice every day of their lives? So tell me – does anyone know Richard's situation? I must know. I could google it but thought this would be more fun.

Richard Simmons is definitely gay, I feel certain that he is not alone, he has an entourage of equally annoying men who lay out his gym shorts for him in the morning and poof his little fro for him before and after exercise. He also lives with his mother or someone's mother and at least 3 tea cup Chihuahuas.

3. What's your favorite Cmas song?

I love "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree" and "Oh, Holy Night!"

4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie?

I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life" so, you can sue me!

And as soon as I kick Draz's ass, I'll tell you that, "That Ralphie Movie" is a classic and I love it as much as I love "Christmas Vacation!"

5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He's convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I've heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he's applying for are not even in the financial industry?

In the last 3 businesses I've been in, the credit score was not a valuable tool, however I know of many people who use it and say it's the best indicator of work ethic. I don't know.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Thank you for your comments.

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments on my blog yesterday about change. You make me feel a level of acceptance that I haven't had in a while. It means so much to me to know that you care about what I have to say and that you get me. These are the kinds of things that I can't expect my friends to understand, because they don't know what it's like to be big and the changes that I'm going through. I don't know what I would do without you. And, by the way, my husband reads my blog sometimes too, you guys are going to give him a big head! Honestly, I don't know what I would do without him. I have never met a man who tries so hard to give me what I need, he is my rock.

Again, thank you all for your kindness and support!
Big Hugs!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Change is hard

Okay, time for frank discussion from a woman on the "losing side." Things are changing and they are staying the same.

Here are the things that are changing:

  • my size

  • the way people view me

  • my clothes

  • my attitude at times

  • my eating habits

  • my weight

Now here are the things that are staying the same:

  • my view of my self

  • my feelings of insecurity

  • my attitude at times

  • my need to be liked

I've blogged before about how difficult it is to deal with the changes of weight loss, particularly when you find it difficult to see much change in yourself. Recently, people have been complimenting me and telling me how they can really tell that I've lost weight. I know that I have lost weight, I've seen the number on the scale, I see the change in my clothes and all, but when I look in the mirror, I really don't see much difference from when I started. It's the curse that I suppose allowed me to get morbidly obese, to really not see yourself for what you are. I used to think I looked okay when I looked in the mirror, if my makeup was right and my hair was fixed, I would leave the house feeling good about myself until I would see a picture from that day or my reflection when I wasn't expecting it. When I would see my reflection, I would be stunned by my size and overwhelmed with this feeling of disbelief. Now, when I get ready, if my make up is right and my hair is fixed, I leave the house feeling good about myself, people say nice things to me, as they did 50 pounds ago. I go about my day feeling the same for the most part and still feeling the same size. I feel like, 50 pounds has made quite a difference in me and at the same time none at all. Sometimes, when I'm walking up to a store, I see my reflection and it catches me by surprise, I am shocked, that I don't look like the biggest person around. It's really difficult to reconcile these changes in my body with the lack of change in my brain.

Last night my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation. He told me that I needed to change the way I think about myself and the way I talk about myself. He said that every conversation eventually makes its way around to me being the fat girl and that it upsets him, because he doesn't see me that way and neither do our friends. It's hard to explain to him or to anyone what it's like to live a great portion of your life a particular way and then suddenly be expected to change. As a very overweight woman, I was painfully aware of my place in the world. I always made jokes about myself and my weight, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't aware of my situation and I wanted to ease the tension by allowing people to laugh with me rather than at me. I felt overlooked on a daily basis. I felt out of control and I felt out of touch with my own femininity. There were moments when I felt so ashamed of myself because I had let myself get so big, there were moments when I felt that my only comfort could come from food, and that no person could truly understand what it was like to live inside my body and inside my head.

My life was punctuated by moments of hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and invisibility: from my first husband who said and did hurtful, demeaning things to me and repeatedly betrayed me. To friends, who after my marriage ended ,wanted to see me stay locked in my prison of fat and self doubt, because that was the most comfortable place for them to keep me. There were new relationships, where I tried to step out of my comfort zone and trust and things didn't turn out so well. So, now, as I'm making my way through this process of change, I find that I'm still chained to some of my old ways of thinking.

Sometimes, I look at the way my life is now and I still feel unworthy. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I want to be attractive to him. I want to be interesting to him, but I guess what I need most right now is to be attractive to me and interesting to me. I am so out of touch with the person that I used to be and with the person that I want to be. Change really is hard.

But it is Wednesday....Big hugs!


Monday, December 6, 2010

I'm half way there!

I'm so excited, I'm half way to my goal. 50 down and 50 to go! Yeee haw! Had a very busy weekend, another one to come. I'm so thankful for my band and I'm really starting to believe that this can happen for me.
Speaking of my band and how thankful I am, our very own Sally who has been such and inspiration to me, has had and emergency surgery to remove her lap band. Sally has been extremely successful in her weight loss and is always willing to lend support and give good information. Her blog was one of the first ones I started following and she responded to long e-mails from me full of questions. I hope you will all lift Sally up in your thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what she must be going through. Losing the band is a huge fear of most bandsters. But, I know that if anyone can maintain a loss without the band, Sally can! I'm sure she will use this as an opportunity to share her knowledge once again.
I hope everyone has a great day.
Big Hugs,

Friday, December 3, 2010

Holy Cow!

Well, when I break a scale hiatus, I really break it. I couldn't help myself....I weighed this morning, and I'm down 2 more. I am one pound away from 50 down, I can't believe it. It feels good though and I'll take it! I'm in a really good place with my band right now. I feel very satisfied when I eat and it holds me for at least 3 hours sometimes more, depending on what I ate. For instance, we went to an Italian restaurant for my son's birthday last night. I had about 5 pieces of calamari and 1 1/2 meatballs. I ate at about 5:30 or 6 and when I went home and did housework I was shocked at the fact that when I got in bed at 11:00 I was still satisfied, that's amazing.

I have a very busy weekend, tonight is my office Christmas party, it's at my house and tomorrow is another party at my house for an organization I'm in. So many parties, so little time. Have a great weekend guys. Big Hugs!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

An emotional sponge!

That's me. I'm once again having difficulty with change and my overall attitude and demeanor. I feel better about myself, but my self esteem is still wounded, that coupled with the fact that I appear to be confident, make for a big ol mess! When I'm feeling hurt or angry or even just stupid about something, I always lash out irrationally at those who want me to be happy the most. I hate that about myself and although I have gotten better in some areas I really struggle with this. I don't want to hurt those that I love the most and I don't want my bad behavior to be a burden on my family. It is ridiculous for me to expect some of the things that I expect and I know that I'm setting myself up for failure. Sometimes I just don't make it very easy to love me. I need to work on my core and not just the core that is affected by sit ups!
Big hugs!