Friday, July 30, 2010

BYOC - Bring Your Own Craziness...

BYOC my little bumblebees....we get to know each other better and we get a free blog topic for our fried brains!  Join in if you want and ENJOY!

1.  What is your favorite genre of movies?  (comedy/romance/horror/action)
I love a good comedy or a romantic comedy. I love movies!

2.  What do you order when you eat Chinese food?
Hunan shrimp, hi hoops, anything spicy. Yummmmy!

3.  Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?
I think swinging is very dangerous. But, to each his own.

4.  Let's go back to a repeat question.  Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.
I'm going to drink more water and bring my lunch 3 days next week!

5.  Repeat question.  Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week?

Well, I would have to say, Carmen's ( post really touched me and a new blogger Kate had me in tears too ( and of course Draz.


I hope everyone has a great weekend. I plan on it. My hubby and the kids are all busy tomorrow, just me and the house work. Good times. Thanks for all of your kind words for me. Big Hug!


Thursday, July 29, 2010

You are my sunshine

My self talk was much more positive this morning. Thank you for your kind words and pep talk. I know things will be okay, deep inside I know it. I'm just, well...having a bit of a pity party I guess. I think Amanda is right. I think it has a lot to do with the post show let down, that's always been tough, I mean you work so hard for something and then it's just over. And I know it's also hormone related. But, I thank you all for being so supportive of me always, even when there's a funk in the air.

When you have weight loss surgery, it's hard not to be impatient. We spend so much time and effort trying to get approved for the surgery, so much time and effort preparing for the surgery emotionally and physically and then, it's here, it's done, you loose a chunk of weight all at once and then reality sets in, this is not going to be as easy as I thought. The band is only on my stomach, not my head, which, let's face it, is a big part of the problem. Then on top of that, take away my one sure stress relief and what do you get? Well, I guess you get the life of someone who's clean and sober, feeling things when the feeling happens, dealing with things in a new way, learning day by day how to be me, only from my food prison. (That's a little dramatic, even for me!) I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm wondering if this is how "normal" people feel? I think it will get easier as things progress, I'm just 4 months out.

I get so impatient, I want to be 40 pounds down at 4 months out, not 33 and holding. But 33 is respectable, it's 8.25 pounds a month, I'm 47 with the metabolism of a woman who has yo yo dieted through 3 decades, IT IS WHAT IT IS. I'm living my life, I'm enjoying my self and I'm getting smaller, who cares if it takes me 2 years to get to my goal as long as I get there, right?
(See how positive the self talk is today!)

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thursday, you are the best!
Big Hug!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

There's something in the air.

And I don't like it! Maybe it's the let down of the post show rush, maybe it's the fact that the scale hasn't moved in a week, maybe it's because I feel bad for Draz and her flood, maybe her flood is making me remember my floods as I'm sitting in the middle of hurricane season again, maybe Carmen's post about her mom made me think of my own loss, maybe I'm worried about Amanda and all of her changes, maybe I'm worried about Chicago, maybe I'm worried about my friend Christy who's considering the lapband, maybe it's this, maybe it's that, maybe it's because I'm having growing pains. I think it's the latter. I've touched on this before, change is difficult for me. I've always dealt with things the way I deal, which for as long as I can remember has been with food or drink. Stress relief binging had become as much a part of me as the large backside it brought with it. I'm hormonal again (this too appears to be a recurring theme) and I want to find comfort in food. However, when I'm hormonal, I'm tight and I'm having trouble with food this week. I'm determined to eat well this week and just got my lunch at work, one bite and stuck. It makes me angry and makes me feel sorry for myself. So, as I sit here at my desk, hurting from being stuck, stomach growling with hunger, I realize something, I'm not having a binge on something that will go down, I'm writing about it. I suppose that could be considered progress.

I waffle quite a bit lately. I begin to think I have some issues ironed out, I start saying to myself : "'re getting better everyday, you're not letting the scale rule your emotions, you're doing the right things and you know you'll eventually be rewarded for them!" Then, I have a morning like this one and the self talk is not quite as positive, it's like: "Self, why can't you get your act together, there must be some reason that your weight loss is so slow, this is going to be like all the other attempts, you'll fail, you may get to your goal, but you'll never stay there....history will repeat itself!"

I don't know how I got to this point, where I find it so difficult to be as kind to myself as I am to others. I think I'll probably never fully understand why I am the way I am, but I do think it's high time that I give myself a little credit. I would never hang out with someone who talked to me the way I talk to myself and I sure wouldn't treat my friends the way I treat myself. So, today I am making a commitment to clear the air with myself. For today, I will be nicer and more forgiving and I will believe in the process. Happy Hump Day!
Big Hug!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Boy am I tired! (REVISED)

The show is over, it was so much fun, but it kicked my butt! I'm trying to get caught up on every one's blogs. There's so much going on. Here is a link to watch a video from our local news about the show (OOPS! Evidently the link doesn't work, sorry but I'll post some pics soon!)

On the band front, my weight hasn't gone down in a week or so, but rehearsals and the show have had me cocktailing more than usual and eating differently. I'm not concerned, I know it will even out and if I keep on keeping on, the weight will continue to come off. I got stuck really bad Saturday night right before the show and then today at lunch, I had one bite of a Lean Cuisine and I'm still hurting, it's been more than an hour. I just don't get it, some days it's like I don't even have a band and some days I can barely eat without getting stuck. I'm still waffling about getting a fill. I don't want to be too tight, so although I'm hungrier than I want to be, I can handle it like it is, so...I'm just going to wait a while. If my weight loss doesn't pick up in the next couple of weeks, I guess I'll go in for another fill. I'm feeling good and got a ton of compliments this weekend during the show. I hope everyone has a great week.
Take care and big hug!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

There's no business, like show business!

Well, rehearsals have been killing me, but tomorrow we will be in front of a live audience, and Saturday we will perform again. Then on Sunday the show will be over and I will be wondering what to do with my time all of a sudden. The show is going to be great, I'm so excited, and very hope everyone has a wonderful weekend as I'm sure I'll be away from blogland through the weekend. I loved all the comments on my Nutella post. I had no idea there were so many ways to serve the stuff, I laughed out loud. You guys are the best.



Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Truth in advertising!

Okay, so I keep seeing commercials for Nutella, this hazelnut spread that they say is nutritious and tastes good too. A couple of days ago, I'm at the grocery store and while I'm picking up peanut butter for the kids, I get a glimpse of said nutritious, yet tasty spread, so I put it in my basket.

Later, I get home and I'm unloading groceries, preparing dinner, all of those things and decide to have a look see....I open the jar, I notice the tantalizing aroma, I say to myself..."smells chocolaty!" I get a spoon, I take a bite.....HOLY SHITAKE MUSHROOMS! This is not a nutritious hazelnut spread, this is chocolate CRACK!! Two tablespoons=200 calories 100 of which come from fat, OMG! Today I had to throw it away, in the outside can, way down under other garbage so I wouldn't be tempted to dig through the trash for the chocolaty deliciousness. In the immortal words of Nancy Kerrigan....WHY? WHY? WHY?
I hope to someday get over this brief, but poignant brush with ecstasy!
Happy Tuesday!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Big Thank you and BYOC!

I am overwhelmed by the wonderful comments that you all left me yesterday. Thank you for your support and for letting me know that I'm not alone here. I can't say enough how thankful I am to have stumbled upon this community. You have enriched my life in so many ways. Thank you, thank you!

Now since it's's BYOC!

1. What's the oddest diet you have tried? Or, which ones have you tried and were any successful? Hmmm, I've tried them all. I've done Nutri-Systems, LA Weight loss, Shots, pills, potions, peanut butter, grapefruit, dexa-this, dexa that, speed this, speed that, starve this, shake that... you name it, I've done it! I have done Weight Watchers the most and with the most success, this last time, I lost 80 pounds and only gained back 50 before I got the band!
The worst one was the peanut butter and boiled egg diet, talk about intestinal unease!

2. Do you prefer baths or showers?
I like showers, unless I want to really relax, then I get in the jet tub with hot, hot water and become a prune.

3. What is your favorite breakfast food?
Well, my favorite is bacon, eggs and cheese grits....mmmmm!

4. What's your least favorite word?
When directed at me...NO!

5. Repeat question...make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?
Well, like I said earlier....all of you. When I wrote that post yesterday, I was feeling so alone and broken, your kind words of support and encouragement made me feel so much better. You made me realize that this is part of the process, the "growing pains" if you will. Thank you a thousand times over.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Big Hug!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I lost my mind last night

Do you think that's where the 2 pounds came from? I'm glad to report a total of 32 down!

However, I think it has come at a real cost, I lost my mind last night and my poor husband is the one who got the brunt of my melt down. The melt down I speak of was of epic proportions. Today I'm super sad about it.

Life changing experiences such as weight loss surgery don't come with out a cost. Since my surgery I have to say that I'm not as easy going as I was prior to surgery. I have found that really feeling the way you feel, rather than anaesthetising with food, is difficult for all involved. I have never been particularly good at asking for what I need from people. And because of that, I sometimes don't get my needs met. What's worse is that no one but me knows that I'm feeling unsatisfied, so when I finally reach my threshold and break down, everyone in my wake is left wondering what the hell just happened. How could anyone know the way I'm feeling if I don't tell them? How could you know what struggles I'm having if I internalize each one of them? How could you possibly know that I'm hurting if I spend most of my day smiling and saying everything is fine? How can I hurt the people that I love the most? How can it be that with each pound I lose I'm feeling more and more exposed, more vulnerable than ever before? How can you take back something said in anger?

Change is never easy for me. I'm scared. I don't like feeling out of control and sadly I have trouble trusting others. I don't like having to depend on anyone but yet I want to have people take care of me. Today it has become painfully evident to me that there are things about me that are broken. I've spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to fix those things. I have made some real progress emotionally, but I'm not where I need to be. How can I become the woman I want to be when I don't know who that woman is? And how can I change things about myself when I've yet to discover why I am the way I am?

There is so much to think about. I really thought that I was prepared for the changes that would come with this lap band. I did my research, I read blog after blog, but I just don't think I was prepared for the "realness" of the band. I know that makes no sense, but what I'm trying to say is that, I've lost way more weight than this before, but each time before, it was temporary and I knew it. I knew that although I had my mojo at the moment, chances were good that history would repeat itself and I would gain back most of the weight I'd lost, if not all. This is the first time that no matter how uncomfortable the process is becoming for me, I see that it is real, that it can really happen, that I can come out on the other side of this thin. That's a great thought, but also a scary one. I don't know how to be a thin person. As I'm losing more weight, and getting compliments, it feels good, but it also comes with this uncomfortable feeling. What if I don't like what comes out on the other side? What if my husband doesn't like me then? What if my friends don't like me? What if? What if ? WTF?

Enough of that. I'm sorry for my rant. I feel better now for having gotten it out. I'm still worried, still feeling bad about losing my mind last night, but ever thankful for all of you who support me on this journey in spite of my craziness.

Big Hug!


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My first real battle with head hunger!

Well, certainly not my first battle, but my first real struggle since being banded. All day yesterday, I was in the mood to mindlessly eat. Visions of yummy foods kept popping into my head, unannounced and uninvited. It was a struggle all day to keep from running to the store for a snack. Then, last night, I was really hungry at rehearsal and by the time I got home I was headache hungry and a bit anxious about what to eat. I decided to fix a half of a grilled cheese sandwich one ounce of chips and some watermelon. I started making my sandwich and popped a piece of crust in my mouth. Wouldn't you know it, stuck! I was stuck for about 20 minutes and then got a terrible case of the hiccups. So, it was another 30 minutes or so before I could eat. Once I had eaten, I wanted something sweet, this is the first time since banding that I have really just wanted something sweet. I think it's because I've had quite a bit of fresh fruit in the last couple of days and fruit tends to make me hungry, especially for something more sweet. So, I ate an Oreo. heard it I ate AN Oreo, as in ONE! I have to call that a victory, no matter how I slice it. I have never in my 47 years eaten one cookie, at least not that I can remember. One cookie was always followed by more and then by the inevitable wave of remorse, guilt and self loathing. You know, the cookie was good. I'm glad I had it, it satisfied that nagging need for a little sweet. And then, guess what happened? I watched a little TV, brushed my teeth, washed my face and went to bed. I didn't even give it another thought. I didn't dream about drowning in Oreos. I didn't cry myself to sleep. And, when I woke up this morning, it was not the first thing that popped into my head. I wonder if this is what normal people experience when they want a cookie? Truly amazing. Have I told you lately that I love my band?

Happy Tuesday folks.

Big Hug,


Saturday, July 10, 2010

Honest Abe

This is soooooo, my husband John and me! Gotta love an honest man and a good commercial.

Happy Saturday!



Friday, July 9, 2010


July 9, 2010

BYOC - Bring Your Own Craziness...

BYOC everyone! 5 questions - some funny, some serious - we answer in our blogs to get to know each other better and to ease our fried brains on Fridays!

1. Love or money? High salary or job satisfaction?
I'm definitely the love over money type of person. And as far as work goes, I've done both. I do need to feel valued at work and part of that is being compensated fairly.

2. What is your favorite time of day?
I like the evenings, right after supper (I'm from the South, dinner is lunch!) after the kitchen is clean and I'm visiting with my husband and the kids, it's a good time.

3. My in-laws just had their wills done so it made me wonder this. Do you have a will? Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?
I had a will with my ex husband, I need to do a new one. I have spoken with family members about my wishes and I did have a visitation plan written into the custody agreement with my ex, providing visitation with my family should I die when the children are young. I have told my husband and other family members about my wish not to be kept alive if there is no hope for a quality life, and everyone knows what I want for my funeral, the scripture, the music and to be cremated.

4. Repeat question. Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.
I really sucked at this one last week; I was not feeling well and did not exercise. I will next week.

5. Repeat questions. Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.
It's so hard to pick, but today Amanda's really struck a chord with me.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, my honey and I have no kids this weekend, so I'm sure we will find some way to occupy ourselves.

Big Hug!


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Date night cures the blues!

Some of the honey is on the far left.

And some of the girls, I'm in the teal.
I was able to get out of rehearsal a little early and catch up with everyone for some fun and fellowship and of course a little wine. Luckily, by that time I was over my whine for the most
part. I'm feeling better today, both physically and mentally. I thank you all for your kind comments and support.
On the band front, I canceled my fill appointment yesterday because I'm still unsure and because the antibiotics I'm taking are huge and I was afraid to have a new fill with the horse pill action. I feel like it was the right decision and my doctor is really pretty easy to get in to see for fills, so I think I'll schedule one next week after my medication is finished.
Well, we are one day closer to the weekend. This week has been crazy fast with the holiday. I hope everyone has a great day!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Just a little blue.

Yes, I'm a little blue today. I haven't' been feeling well, I have a bladder infection, and it's making me feel crappy and I did not exercise again today, which really adds to my overall bluish haze. I didn't feel well this morning, so I stayed in bed instead of getting up and moving, that makes me tired during the day. Whaa, whaa! Okay enough whining. Tomorrow I will move my body and produce some sweat, and I will start monitoring my blood pressure, I think it may be time to change my dosage on the BP meds, I'm feeling a little light headed and lethargic.

Something very strange is happening to me as well....hmmm... I just can't decide what to eat anymore. I can be really hungry, but nothing sounds good to me at the time. I hate that. Has that happened to any of you? It's like, I don't want to be hungry anymore, but I don't want to go through the trouble of finding something to eat either. I don't understand it.
And, tonight is date night and I have rehearsal. I'd much rather go have a nice drink with my hubby than go to rehearsal. I'm just extra whiny today. But, tomorrow will be a new day.
Have a good one and thanks for all of your wonderful comments, it's so nice to share this journey with all of you!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Happy Tuesday!

I never thought I'd make it to the 30 pound down mark! I was so happy to see it that I nearly cried. Now, I want more and I want it now! (just kidding, sort of...)

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I did. We had friends over for a Bar-B-Que. We were with our kids and it was just a great weekend. Yesterday, I did nothing. I just hung out all day watching TV and spending time with my kids and my hubby. It was a great long weekend.

I did not get up and walk this morning, but I will tomorrow. I'm happy with my weight loss. I am scheduled for a fill tomorrow and I really don't think I need one. I have good restriction and feel that when I do overeat, it's generally hormone driven. I don't have cravings like I did before and if I'm really being honest with myself...if I'm not satisfied, it's because I make bad choices. I'm so glad that I made the decision to get the band, and I am so very, very glad that I found all of you!

Big Hug and happy week!

Friday, July 2, 2010


BYOC Friday

BYOC is 5 little questions – some funny, some serious – that we answer to get to know each other better and it's a free blog topic for Fridays when our blog brains are fried before the weekend! Feel free to join us! Post the questions and answers in your own blog!

1. Seeing that it's a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?
I was in sales at the time and was calling on a customer at the Sheriff's office. His secretary ran in and said a plane hit one of the Twin Towers, so we went in to the break room to see it on the news. Right when we walked in the room, the second plane hit. I just cried and prayed and was so afraid for the future of our country. I left work early that day and picked my kids up from school. I went home and sat with them on the sofa and prayed with my boys for healing for this country. I remember as a child my mom saying she would never forget the moment she heard that President Kennedy had been shot. I feel the same way about 9-11.

2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you'd be by yourself)
I would clean my house, take a shower, sit in front of the TV and be in control of the remote, for a real change. Then I'd watch a chick flick, take a nap, drink a glass of wine get dressed and wait for my sweet hubby to come take me out!

3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions.

How many blogs do you follow? I'm not sure, probably 120.
Do you read them all or just your faves? I don't read them all, but I read my dashboard at least. There are about 20 that I always read.
Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I comment pretty often. I like to let people know that I'm reading, even if my comment isn't very inspiring.

Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn't like their blog? For some reason, blogger seams to unfollow people for me all the time. I've never stopped following because I didn't like what someone had to say.
Do you routinely unfollow and why? Not routinely, but sometimes, if they quit blogging or are very inconsistent, I'll stop to keep my dashboard under control.

4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you'll do for just that day next week.

I will resume my walking. I have a bobo on my foot, so I haven't walked at all this week. Next week I will walk at least 4 days…promise!

5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why?

There are so many, but this week, Tina was the SOB and her quote about her weightloss: "For the first time in my life, I feel normal and I want that gift for everyone!" well, it just made me cry. I felt her gratitude and understood what this process has meant to her. She's one of my favorite bloggers and I just feel like I know her. Anyway, there are so many others, but that one really struck me.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Thank you Pearl!

My official weigh in was yesterday and I'm down 29 pounds. I'm really happy with the results. I also took my measurements last week and was shocked that I've lost 22 inches. I feel really good and feel like I have a real shot at losing all the weight I need to loose. I'm actually 53 pounds from my heaviest weight and that to me is amazing. The fact that I got the lap band before I had gained back all of the weight I had lost is amazing to me too. I find each day I'm a little more comfortable with the band. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning. It's taken me a considerable amount of time to figure out the "user error" portion of this gizmo. I am 71 pounds from my goal weight, which sounds way better than 100 pounds from my goal. In October of last year, I made the decision to have WLS, I was at the end of my rope, I felt completely helpless, I was devastated that I had so little control over this area of my life. It's been a long haul, but I'm so glad that I got banded and so glad that I found this wonderful means of support. You guys are the best! Happy Friday Eve!
Big Hug!