Monday, November 28, 2011

Thanksgiving recap

Wow, it seems like it's been ages since I last posted. We survived the Thanksgiving holiday. I enjoyed having some time off, I really enjoyed the holiday with the family. The food was good, although I was having a tight day, so I barely got to eat anything. My oldest son went deer hunting with his grandfather Thanksgiving night and killed his first deer. My husband was out of town too from Friday through Sunday, so it was just me and my youngest son and my step son for the weekend.

My husband's grandmother passed away on Thanksgiving day, she had a brief illness and surgery and had complications, she had to go back for emergency surgery and died a day later. She was 87 and one heck of a woman. I only met her once, two years ago when we went to My husband's mom's funeral. I liked her the moment I met her, she was very kind to me and I felt drawn to her as she was the same age that mother would have been. She and I talked about family, she told me stories about my mother-in-law, about my husband and about her life. She was just a very warm woman. I'm sad that she's gone, but I'm glad that she didn't suffer long and that she didn't lose her ability to care for herself. She was a very strong independent woman.

I have been in a bit of a funk lately, I've been irritable, anxious, hormonal, mean, crabby, the list could go on and on. I've really been trying to get a handle on my emotions and it hasn't been going well. But my eating has been going better and I did manage to exercise twice over the weekend. This morning I went for my six month check up with my endocrinologist. He did an ultrasound on my thyroid and one nodule is smaller, one is larger and a new one appeared. He sent me for blood work and said he's pretty sure that if my levels are the same he will go ahead and put me on thyroid meds. I hope so, I have so many symptoms of hypothyroidism that I think I could use the help!

Last night I got a call from a friend, he is a "life coach" for lack of a better description. He does personality testing for individuals and businesses to help people understand what motivates them so that they can perform better in the work place. He does very detailed testing to help people with their communication skills and that sort of thing. Anyway, he's been approached about doing a program geared toward bariatric patients and asked me to help him, being his test subject. I was really intrigued and excited about it. I told him that I've been stuck for a while, unable to move on to the next phase of my weight loss journey. He said he can help me with setting goals (I told him I'm not much of a goal oriented person, as I generally fail when I set goals.) He said he can help me with that too. He also told me he can help me to change my internal dialogue. Needless to say, I agreed to help him and am hoping that he will help me as well. I'll keep you posted.

I have a busy weekend ahead, my office party is Friday at my house. I have my tree up, but no decorations yet, so I have a bit of work to do to get ready. It's all good though, one of the things I already know about myself is that I work well under pressure. I'm sorry that I've been absent from the blog scene, but I'm still reading your blogs. I can't believe it's almost Christmas!! My baby turns 15 on Friday, I can't believe that either. I hope you have a wonderful week and thanks for the support and friendship that you guys have given me!
Big Hugs!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hey inner voice...shut up!

I have issues people. I have this reel of tape that plays in my head at all times. Sometimes the reel is the good one, the one that plays the story of me being in control, feeling strong, and it gives me positive, life affirming tidbits to get me through the day. But sometimes the reel is bad, and if it's mixed with a dash or two of hormonal imbalance, it can really suck. It's the reel that holds details from every time I've been hurt or embarrassed or rejected because of my fat, it's the one that tells me that I'm not good enough. It feeds my insecurity. It's what keeps me grounded, but also keeps me stuck.

In my mind I know that I have changed, on the outside and on the inside to some degree. I know that I have made progress, that I'm not as big as I used to be. I know these things, but some days, I just feel like the biggest me. I don't know if I will ever not feel fat. Some days I feel good, and pretty normal, but I'm always aware of my fat. When I sit down, I'm aware of my butt and thighs. When I lay down, I feel the fat on my back, when I bend over, I feel the fat on my sides. When I was at my heaviest, my fat was so much bigger, so much more, but it was well integrated into my being, I didn't really have much hope of not being fat, I had tried too many times. When I was at my heaviest, my feelings got hurt when someone made a comment about my weight, or when I could tell that people were staring at me, I could feel the sting on my face, but rarely did it result in that full on ache in my chest, those times happened, but not frequently. Maybe it's because as soon as I felt that type of rejection or embarrassment, I turned to food and made it all better.

This weekend I tried really hard to eat well and I did, but I also had the hormonal clamp down of my band, I got stuck and sick a bunch this weekend, I can't help it, when that happens, I feel sorry for myself, I feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like it and I don't deal with it well, when I'm feeling that way, the reel of tape in my head is never the nice one. This weekend, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I don't like it when I'm feeling that way. The thing about having your feelings hurt is that, it really doesn't matter if it's intentional or even if it's imagined, it hurts all the same. I don't like it when I'm supper sensitive to what others say or think, that's not how I generally am. It's really hard when I'm forced to look at myself in an honest way and come to grips with the fact that I can't blame anyone for my unhappiness, I can't blame anyone for me not getting the rest of this weight off, I can't blame anyone for hurting my feelings. I'm the only one who can make me feel better about my weight, I'm the only one who can move forward and start losing again. I don't like facing the truth, and I don't like knowing that I am the only one to blame.

I am feeling better, probably since I just got all that off my chest. I have much to be thankful for . I need to spend a little time looking through my windshield instead of looking in the rear view.

Big Hugs,

And Happy Thanksgiving!


Friday, November 18, 2011

What the heck is going on with me?

I wish I could put my finger on what has been going on with me. I'm feeling scattered and unmotivated...still! I'm not feeling like blogging. I have been reading your blogs, that hasn't changed. But...I am definitely struggling with moving on to the next stage of my weight loss journey. I have been lazy. I have been lying to myself. I can't just eat without tracking and lose weight at a decent pace. I'm a slow loser to begin with, but I'm also honest enough with myself to say that I'm not doing what I need to do to get the rest of this weight off. Today I got on My Fitness Pal and tracked my food from yesterday....OMG, no wonder I'm not losing, it's a miracle I've been maintaining.

Fluffy's post today about her journey was just what I needed to read, she talked about putting the work in, doing what you have to do. I went back and read a bunch of her posts from the beginning of her journey. It made me feel better. I've met, it's hard for me to even imagine her being fat. She looks like the picture of health, she's active and confident. She just looks like a person who's never had to think twice about her weight! But in the beginning she was like me, depressed about being fat, feeling hopeless, not having the energy to lose weight one more time knowing that it will come back with more! She has even had some set backs. She is in a place now that most of us can only dream about. And today, she's what I'm using for inspiration to do the right things. I'm going to follow the band guidelines today, I'm going to track my food today and I'm going to move my body. Because if I do it today, I might do it tomorrow. I'm going to continue to pray the something clicks with me, that if I act like I'm committed, I'll become committed. Hope with me!
I'm glad it's Friday!!!

I don't have the energy to do BYOC today, but my favorite thing about Thanksgiving is Cornbread dressing...and family of course.

Big Hugs!

Friday, November 11, 2011

A vicious cycle...

I'm caught in one. I am. I don't know what I need to do to adjust my attitude. I'm glad that I feel good and that I feel pretty comfortable right now. But, seriously...this is not where I want to stop with my weight loss. At least part of me does not, evidently part of me does. How do I reconcile these two parts so that they jive again. I'm mentally blocked.

In other news, I'm about to get on a bus to go to my son's high school football play off game, about 4.5 hours away. With a bunch of other crazy parents. This will be my first time to go on the bus. Wish me luck.

I'm going to blog more next week, as I think my general lack of commitment is spilling in to all areas of my life. My housework is not as it usually is, my pre-planning in all areas, is lacking. Maybe I need shock treatment. Anyway...happy Friday, I'll be in touch next week.

Big Hugs,

Monday, November 7, 2011


I just read Gilly's post and it struck a nerve with me. She was talking with a friend about alcoholism and how she knows she's not an alcoholic, because even though she loves wine, it doesn't control her, but food does. I can totally identify with that statement as well and it caused me to do some soul searching, if you will, about my relationship with food.

First of all, there is a lot of addiction in my family, both of my parents had siblings who were alcoholics, my niece is currently in rehab, many of my first cousins are alcoholics and my sister and I both have food addiction issues. About 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that my eating was not normal. I guess, in some way I had always known that, but my weight had always been pretty normal. My sister was the heavy one, I was the skinny one...funny how things change!! Anyway, I knew that my friends didn't feel about food the way I did. They didn't obsess over foods like I did and I never knew them to hide food and eat in secret. This was big for me, it still is. I started to eat for comfort when I was a young girl and my Mom was very sick. I remember visiting her at the hospital and having trouble concentrating on anything else but the vending machine downstairs. The summer after Dad died, I was 14, my Mom had died the year before and I was home alone most of the day. That is when I really started to binge for comfort and control. I was alone with my food, I loved to eat large quantities of food, when no one could find out about it. These behaviors stuck with me through high school, college and ultimately lead me to obesity and the lap band. When I got my lap band, the quantity of food was limited for me, my hunger levels were better, I was doing pretty well. I was still going to therapy and actively working on my issues with food. The first year flew by and somehow, I managed to lose 61 pounds. When I think about it,I'm still amazed. I've been able to keep this weight off, although I bounce up and down 2 to 3 pounds depending on the day. I have 30 to 40 pounds left to lose (I'm not certain yet) and I want to lose them. But, it's obvious that I don't want to lose them bad enough to alter my behavior and do what I need to do to get there. I've been taking my own sweet time and mourning the fact that I can't binge anymore. Some days, I can binge, well not a full on binge, but a lapbander's binge and some days I do it. I'm not proud of that, at all. I have a great deal of shame when it comes to my relationship with food. That is something I need to work on. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving on with the next phase of my weight loss. I do know that I'm afraid that I can't do it. And, I'm afraid to be thin. Right now, I'm pretty comfortable, I am not the biggest person in the room like I used to be. I can shop in normal stores. I can fit in chairs comfortably. I don't always feel like people are judging me and making fun of me. I feel physically so much better than I did before. But I know that I can feel even better. I want to lose 20 pounds before Mardi Gras, I have a dress that my sister gave me that I want to wear to the cocktail party, I have almost 3 months to do it. I used to be unfazed by the thought of losing 30 pounds in 3 months, let alone 20. But I haven't lost an ounce in 6 months. My fill level is good, not too tight, not too loose. It's my head that is not right. How can I get my head in it at this stage of the game? Anyone? I'm getting on my own nerves with this bullshit. I keep talking and not doing! Ugh! I know what I need to do. I just don't do it! I'm trying to be honest with myself, that's a step in the right direction, I hope!

I hope you all have a great Monday and a wonderful week ahead!
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Love hurts!

Especially when it's love...of....Chocolate! I didn't even buy any Halloween candy. I was that lady, blinds pulled tight, porch light off, hiding in the shadows, keeping that devil chocolate out of my house. But then, it happened like it often does, the inner beast, it taunts me..."Oh, honey, you didn't have any chocolate for Halloween, you were so good...reward yourself!" So, I bought chocolate. I brought it to work around all the hungry, burly men, I shared, but not before I ate more chocolate than I've had in a long time. It hurt...a lot! Last night I lay in bed an ache in my gut that reminded me why I'm so glad I don't overeat everyday of my life anymore. I lay there, reminiscing about that time, when, if I had bought chocolate, I would not have shared, I would not have eaten it in front of anyone, I would have eaten it all and wanted more, I would have gone to bed, ashamed, feeling poorly, but only to get up and do it again. Since I've been lacking in motivation lately and feeling a bit down on myself lately, feeling like a failure because I've been maintaining, rather than losing. I haven't taken the time to appreciate all that my band has done for me. So, Pearl (my band)...thanks for all you've done for me. I appreciate you and I'm so glad I have you in my life. I'm sorry I don't always treat you with the respect you deserve, but today, I'm going to take a little time and reflect on what life would be like without you and take the steps to get back on the right track. Maintenance is good, very good, but I've got a ways to it's time to step up.
Have a great day, big hugs,