Thursday, December 30, 2010
I've been blogging for more than a year now and I haven't shared my weight yet. I don't know why I have such a hang up about it, but I do. My husband doesn't know how much I weigh either. He asked me to tell him recently and I said no, he asked me if I thought it would change the way he felt about me. I don't know the answer to that, obviously I do think that or I would have shared by now. Maybe it's because it definitely changes the way I feel about myself. I think it's an important step for me to actually write down what I weigh, to speak it and really own it. I know many of you bloggers are so open and honest about your weight you keep a ticker and you share openly about it. This is something that I hope to have the strength to do in the very near future. But still, I just don't know if I can. It is a goal of mine though and it is a goal of mine to start being more honest about other uncomfortable things as well.
Another goal of mine for the new year is to be more active. I have been lazy and I need to change that. Although it's challenging for me to get my workouts in, it is not impossible and it needs to be a priority. I will do better this year. Overall, I'm really happy with the way last year went and optimistic about the coming year. I will really work on doing some things differently and being more honest.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Have a great day!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thank you all for the part you have played in both my decision to have WLS and my ability to be successful. At this wonderful time of year I'm so thankful for the second chance that I have been given and for the wonderful friends I've made along the way. Merry Christmas!
Did I mention I finished my Christmas shopping yesterday?!?!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
The pergola and deck area, looking festive.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I'm excited about the party tomorrow, we are going to have some wonderful food, I'm making a crab bisque, and the side items, my husband is grilling the steaks and boy does he do a good job. I feel like I'm about to have a good loss, I've been holding steady for the last couple of weeks, but I feel it coming, I hope this weekend will bring me to a new low. This is new territory for me and it's pretty exciting. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I'll post pics from the party soon.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
I feel really lucky to have been given a chance at a normal relationship with food via the band. I'm so grateful that my insurance paid for the majority of my surgery cost, that my husband loves and supports me and was willing to explore this option with me. When I look at that picture from my Christmas card last year I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude. I was so completely unhappy about my weight last year, it was such a struggle and I really did not have it in me to attempt weight loss again on my own. I felt so defeated as if no matter how much weight I lost I would never be able to live life on the other side of the diet. I just feel like finally I have the tool that I need to have long term success achieving a healthy weight. What a wonderful feeling.
I have a big weekend again, my husband's office party is at our house on Saturday, I'm excited and will start my preparations tonight. I'm behind on Christmas shopping, but that's nothing new. So, I hope everyone has a great day, again, thank you so much for your support and kindness.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
My oldest son and his girlfriend.
My youngest son, you know...the one my Mom was talking about when she said, "I hope you have one just like you someday!" Silly boy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
DISCLAIMER: First of all, I can't make the text normal on this, I don't know what Draz does but all that highlighting doesn't transfer well, so....because I'm slightly OCD, it is important that you know that I am not purposely having some text highlighted and different sizes. Okay, now, let's move on!
If you are new, you can find Draz at http://justmedrazil.blogspot.com/
1. It is negative degrees here. Today I drove 35 all the way to work because I followed a snowplow who was also salting the roads. It's too cold to even go sledding or ice skating. The weather is downright nasty. It's freaking Winter alright? Why then – may I ask – when driving home last night did I see not one, but two MEN – driving big "I'm a man with a small penis so I drive this HUGE truck with deer antlers on the front and playboy mud flaps and mufflers coming out of the box" trucks with their windows OPEN? Why do men do that?
Men do that, because they are bundled up like Eskimos and don't have enough sense to take off the jacket, also because many of them smell bad, that mixed with the heater in the truck…not good! Women on the other hand know how to layer and smell good!
2. Is Richard Simmons gay? Is he straight? Has he ever come out? Does he have a lover? No, I have no idea why I thought of this but it crossed my mind and now I want to know. I love that little man. I want to get my fingers tangled in that hornet's nest of hair he has. I think I'd feel better about life if I knew Richard wasn't alone. But then again – who on Earth could tolerate that voice every day of their lives? So tell me – does anyone know Richard's situation? I must know. I could google it but thought this would be more fun.
Richard Simmons is definitely gay, I feel certain that he is not alone, he has an entourage of equally annoying men who lay out his gym shorts for him in the morning and poof his little fro for him before and after exercise. He also lives with his mother or someone's mother and at least 3 tea cup Chihuahuas.
3. What's your favorite Cmas song?
I love "Rockin' around the Christmas Tree" and "Oh, Holy Night!"
4. What is your most favorite and your least favorite Cmas movie?
I don't like "It's a Wonderful Life" so, you can sue me!
And as soon as I kick Draz's ass, I'll tell you that, "That Ralphie Movie" is a classic and I love it as much as I love "Christmas Vacation!"
5. To all my corporate buddies out there….I have an important question. My brother is interviewing for jobs in the corporate world. He has an impeccable resume and good, long, stable job history with many impressive accomplishments. However – no bites after he interviews. He's convinced they are checking his credit record – which is not great. Now I've heard places do that…but really how common is it? I mean I work in a place where our work is completely for the government and classified and export-controlled and deals with citizenship and such and we do NOT check credit scores. How prevalent is this – especially when the jobs he's applying for are not even in the financial industry?
In the last 3 businesses I've been in, the credit score was not a valuable tool, however I know of many people who use it and say it's the best indicator of work ethic. I don't know.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Again, thank you all for your kindness and support!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Here are the things that are changing:
- my size
- the way people view me
- my clothes
- my attitude at times
- my eating habits
- my weight
Now here are the things that are staying the same:
- my view of my self
- my feelings of insecurity
- my attitude at times
- my need to be liked
I've blogged before about how difficult it is to deal with the changes of weight loss, particularly when you find it difficult to see much change in yourself. Recently, people have been complimenting me and telling me how they can really tell that I've lost weight. I know that I have lost weight, I've seen the number on the scale, I see the change in my clothes and all, but when I look in the mirror, I really don't see much difference from when I started. It's the curse that I suppose allowed me to get morbidly obese, to really not see yourself for what you are. I used to think I looked okay when I looked in the mirror, if my makeup was right and my hair was fixed, I would leave the house feeling good about myself until I would see a picture from that day or my reflection when I wasn't expecting it. When I would see my reflection, I would be stunned by my size and overwhelmed with this feeling of disbelief. Now, when I get ready, if my make up is right and my hair is fixed, I leave the house feeling good about myself, people say nice things to me, as they did 50 pounds ago. I go about my day feeling the same for the most part and still feeling the same size. I feel like, 50 pounds has made quite a difference in me and at the same time none at all. Sometimes, when I'm walking up to a store, I see my reflection and it catches me by surprise, I am shocked, that I don't look like the biggest person around. It's really difficult to reconcile these changes in my body with the lack of change in my brain.
Last night my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation. He told me that I needed to change the way I think about myself and the way I talk about myself. He said that every conversation eventually makes its way around to me being the fat girl and that it upsets him, because he doesn't see me that way and neither do our friends. It's hard to explain to him or to anyone what it's like to live a great portion of your life a particular way and then suddenly be expected to change. As a very overweight woman, I was painfully aware of my place in the world. I always made jokes about myself and my weight, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't aware of my situation and I wanted to ease the tension by allowing people to laugh with me rather than at me. I felt overlooked on a daily basis. I felt out of control and I felt out of touch with my own femininity. There were moments when I felt so ashamed of myself because I had let myself get so big, there were moments when I felt that my only comfort could come from food, and that no person could truly understand what it was like to live inside my body and inside my head.
My life was punctuated by moments of hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and invisibility: from my first husband who said and did hurtful, demeaning things to me and repeatedly betrayed me. To friends, who after my marriage ended ,wanted to see me stay locked in my prison of fat and self doubt, because that was the most comfortable place for them to keep me. There were new relationships, where I tried to step out of my comfort zone and trust and things didn't turn out so well. So, now, as I'm making my way through this process of change, I find that I'm still chained to some of my old ways of thinking.
Sometimes, I look at the way my life is now and I still feel unworthy. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I want to be attractive to him. I want to be interesting to him, but I guess what I need most right now is to be attractive to me and interesting to me. I am so out of touch with the person that I used to be and with the person that I want to be. Change really is hard.
But it is Wednesday....Big hugs!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
I have a very busy weekend, tonight is my office Christmas party, it's at my house and tomorrow is another party at my house for an organization I'm in. So many parties, so little time. Have a great weekend guys. Big Hugs!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My son James and my sister Amelia
John entertaining us
Me and my silly boys
Once again...James & John
I thought you'd enjoy a few pics from Thanksgiving weekend.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thanksgiving dinner was at my sister's house and we had a great time, with lots of food. I enjoyed myself, and food was not an issue. I did not get stuck, and I did not overeat. When I left my sister's that night, I told her this was the first Thanksgiving that I recall not leaving feeling like crud from overeating. It was a wonderful feeling one that I am definitely thankful for!
On Friday my son had a sleepover for his 14th birthday celebration, a couple of the boys came early and I was fixing grilled cheese sandwiches for them for lunch. I used pita bread and they said they were delicious, so I cut a little sliver and had a couple of bites. What happened after that can be likened to a scene from the "Exorcist." I got sick and heaved for a good 30 minutes, I have never had such an awful stuck/PB episode before and frankly it scared the crap out of me. After that, the evening progressed with teenage boys running around like crazy people, they ate lots of pizza, drank too much soda, ate cake, chips and had a blast. The next morning, I got up and made homemade beignets for the boys and then just pittled about cleaning and putting up my Christmas tree. My sweet hubby came home from the deer camp and we had a great rest of the weekend.
On Saturday we had some friends over for dinner and on Sunday had quite a few friends over for dinner. It was great and today, I do not feel like I had four days off from work. Busy, busy December is upon us and I have to be on my toes to make sure that every thing gets done. I'm looking forward to it.
Yesterday, my husband asked me if I had weighed some where, because I appeared to be pretty calm about the no weighing thing. I have not! He then said he would give me my scale back if I really wanted it and at first I thought yes, but then we talked about it and I decided against it. I'm going to wait until December 5 like we originally agreed upon. I must say that being without the scale has been wonderful. I have not thrown caution to the wind and actually feel really good about myself. I feel like I have lost weight, I've gotten so many compliments lately, it's like finally people can see a difference. I'm happy with my progress and I'm a little bit afraid for that feeling to be compromised by the scale. But, in any case I will be weighing in just 6 more days!
I will post pictures soon from the weekend. Have a great Monday!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
On Friday, I will host a sleepover for my youngest son's birthday, he turns 14 next week. Anyway, it's always fun to have 6 boys in the house! And then on Saturday I plan to decorate the house for Christmas, put up my tree and all that fun stuff. Our house was built for entertaining and so we do lots of it. We are hosting my husband's office party and a party for an organization I'm involved in. And my oldest son has a birthday in December too, so we'll be having his party as well! It's a crazy time of year with all of the activity and my husband and I also celebrate our Wedding Anniversary in December as well. Whooo!
I'm getting tired just thinking about all I have to do. Ha! We love to entertain and my husband and I make a great team when it comes to putting on a party. I'm looking forward to all the hustle and bustle of the upcoming season!
I hope you all have a great weekend, I'll be busy so I'm sure I won't get a chance to blog.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
God Bless and Big Hugs!
Monday, November 22, 2010
I guess I'm showing my age with this one.
I had a lovely weekend. My husband went deer hunting (and yes he got a deer.) So, I spent the weekend with no children, no husband a very clean house, lots of girlfriends at a little Hen party, good food and good wine. It was really fun and a much needed break from the Mom circuit that I usually spend most of my time in.
I want to say something, but I'm afraid to speak it or write it, for fear of it going away. Dare I say the words "Sweet Spot?" I don't know if this is it, but if it's not, it is very close to the elusive spot of sweetness we hear so much about. Here is how I know it. I love food, I love to prepare food and entertain, I love to read about food, I love to smell it, taste it, eat it....I love food. I had this little party on Saturday night and I was preparing food for the evening. I had eaten breakfast in the morning, but around 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I realized I had a headache and felt a little sluggish. You may want to sit down for this.....I had forgotten to eat! No, I do not own a crack pipe either, but people I had forgotten to eat! I was busy cleaning and preparing food, actually handling food and it slipped my mind that I hadn't eaten since way earlier in the morning. So, I sat, ate a small portion of chicken and I was good to go. I felt re energized and continued to prepare for the party. I enjoyed the party, I ate a very reasonable amount of food, drank a maybe-not-so-reasonable amount of wine. I had fun, I enjoyed the food, the company and food was not the main focus of my evening. I just can't express to you how freeing that is. I love food still, but it does not consume me at this moment. I am not haunted by callings from the pantry at all hours of the night. I can actually buy chips or candy for my kids and it will still be here when they want to eat it, I no longer feel the need to eat in secret (that's huge for me). I'm beginning to feel like my band and I are no longer at odds. I'm not fighting it and in turn it is not fighting me. My prayer is that this will last and that if it starts to slip, I will have the presence of mind to get a fill quickly and not wait too long.
I'm so thankful that I have the band. I feel like for the first time in my adult life that I may really win this battle. That is a wonderful feeling. Oh, and another NSV for the books; this morning on the way to work I had to adjust my seat, because my husband drove my car last, and I could actually get my arm down to the controls without scooching my ass over...that's a big deal! I can't wait to weigh, today is day 17 without the scale, holly cow!
One last thing, if you have a moment hop on over and check out Steven's blog, another male blogger, he's researching the band right now. Always good to have a new perspective!
I hope everyone has a great holiday week, I'm thankful for so much, my wonderful family, my blog family and of course my band (I love Pearl!)
Friday, November 19, 2010
I pretty much eat what I feed my family, I don't make any special meals for myself, but this is what I ate yesterday:
6:00 am 1/2 cup of milk, one teaspoon sugar and coffee
9:00 am 1/2 avocado and 4 saltines
12:00 split peas soup, 4 saltines and 1 tablespoon garden veggie cream cheese (I always keep a can of soup at work and a couple of Lean Cuisines in case I'm by myself and can't leave)
4:00 Greek yogurt with honey
6:00 2 glasses Fume Blanc white wine
7:00 about 1-2 oz grilled pork tenderloin (it wasn't going down well), 2 tablespoons potatoes and some winter squash and yellow squash
8:00 one more glass of wine.
Today for breakfast I had 1/2 cup of milk, 1 0z of cheese and about 1/2 c of left over potatoes for breakfast and for lunch I had a small Wendy's chili with 4 saltines.
Like Jenny, I eat whatever I'm feeding my family and I bring left overs to work or I eat Wendy's chili (which I love and this is the perfect lunch!)
That's about it. I also have my Viactiv calcium chew and multivitamin at work for dessert, and when it's cold I'll have a sugar free coco mixed with coffee around 3:00. I don't use artificial sweeteners, except for the one in the coco, I use one teaspoon of sugar if I want to sweeten my coffee, that's 15 calories. I haven't been a stellar looser that's for sure, but I do enjoy my life and my food. Some days, I'm way better than others, some days I'm really hungry, some days not. I never have trouble getting my water in, I drink throughout the day. I do like to drink wine and an occasional scotch, but hey, I do all that I enjoy and I'm still losing, even if it is slow.
I hope everyone has a great weekend, I plan on it!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Why do I torture myself so? Why is it so hard to measure success in a way other than the a number. Hey, my wedding ring is spinning around on my finger and it fits on my right hand. I can put my hand around my wrist and my fingers overlap, I have collar bones, ribs and hip bones. My tight jeans are not even tight straight out of the dryer. I took my measurements and have lost 2 inches in my waist in a month and 2 in my hips. Logically, I know these are victories of the non-scale type. Lord, help me put this in perspective. I'm really trying. I can do this....right?
I hope you all have a great day, it's hump day!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
This Friday, I plan to get everything off my desk, everything filed. I will go to the first playoff game for my son's football team. I will enjoy the excitement of that and then I will go home and have a glass of wine and begin my weekend. I'm ready for this weekend, I have a wedding to attend (nothing in mind to wear, but that's okay), I have lots of laundry and house work to do and hopefully some time for rest along the way. I am behind on laundry and last weekend I didn't do all that I planned as far as my housework goes. I have to say that it really makes me cranky to have things out of order, I am one of those people who really need structure. Anywho, I hope you all have a lovely weekend, I plan to raise a glass or two to our very own Catherine who is turning 40 this weekend and is planning an event that sounds spectacular. Hers is the very first blog I followed and then Amy W's, and the rest, as they say, is history. So, I have a special place in my heart for those women who have paved the way in blogland and bandland. We are lucky to have such amazing women to inspire us.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
When I met my husband, he was ending his career in the Army, finishing up his last few drills with the National Guard and I was thankful indeed that he was no longer required to go and serve our country. I am so proud of him, he is strong and he made great sacrifices during his active time in the Army. He spent months and months away without seeing his children and his wife. Sometimes when we are in our comfy bed at night, he'll make a comment about how he could never do the things now that he did back then, like go 45 days without a shower or sleep on the ground for days at time or go days without sleep, things he did then, without a second thought. He credits the Army for giving him his strong work ethic, for making him the man he is today, the man that I am so thankful to have in my life.
I also want to thank all of you for the wonderful comments about my post yesterday, thank you for lifting me up. I appreciate you all so much. I hope you all have a wonderful day and as we are enjoying the freedoms that we so often take for granted, please remember the men and women who sacrificed so much to insure them.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"It chokes my heart and jacks with my head." Wow, that pretty much sums it up for me.
I'm struggling right now, with feelings of doubt and insecurity. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Things are changing so fast, things that I wasn't quite prepared for. Things like, well me. Not just my body, I was prepared for that, sort of, but things like my take on my who I am. I'm feeling like I don't know who I really am or what my purpose is. I know my purpose in some areas; as a mother as a wife. I know my purpose as a friend and I know my purpose in my career. I guess, I'm just feeling the challenge of trying to fit in as I change. I've known my place for so long now, I am the fat, funny girl. What happens when I am no longer defined by that? What happens when I am just an average woman trying to set herself apart from the crowd. What happens if I really can't get to that place of "normal"? What happens to me as everything around me changes. What happens as I start to expect more from people and situations? What happens if the person underneath all this fat is not someone I like after all? Why does my brain work the way it does?
Man, I wear myself out sometimes. I'm hoping that this latest moment of self doubt is brought to you by Hormone Fluctuation and that it will be short-lived. I hope everyone has a great day.
Day 5 without a scale!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Last night I had many strange and disturbing dreams. The first one even made me wake my husband up, because I could see a spider dangling down from the ceiling right over me. It really freaked me out. I then went back to sleep and had a series of disturbing dreams. I didn't sleep well last night and today, I'm feeling haunted by them. In one of the dreams, I dreamt that someone had given me a purse with a wooden ring for a handle and that I had slipped it on my wrist, suddenly it began hurting my arm, the purse was supper tight and was around my elbow, and somehow also around my neck. I struggled to get it off and when I woke up I felt like I was choking. I got up and went to the bathroom and then took a sip of water, I choked on the water and was stuck, it would not go down, I had to get up and go throw up the water. When I got back in bed, I still had a weird heavy feeling in my chest, like I was still kind of stuck on the water, but then it made a strange gurgle and I felt relief. It was all very bizarre. Yesterday was a rough day as far as food goes, I had a terrible stuck episode and PB at lunch time and then last night got stuck on the first bit for supper, I stopped and waited it out, but it was so difficult, I ended up just having a glass of milk for my supper.
The band always amazes me with a tight day one day and loose one the next. I haven't quite figured out a pattern yet. This morning when I woke up, I took another sip of water and it did not want to go down, I took my coffee real slow and it was fine and so far I've been able to eat today, but super slow and tiny, tiny bites, and very small amounts. I'm assuming that I'm swollen from the bad PB yesterday, so I'm just going to continue to take it easy.
I still can't believe I have so long to go before I can weigh again. It's starting to really freak me out. I'm feeling anxious and nervous and I'm picking myself apart in the mirror. I'm gonna do this though, and I sure hope it turns out okay. Have a wonderful day folks.
Monday, November 8, 2010
In other news, I had a great weekend, although I drank more wine than I should have. I know I need to get more protein in my diet and this week I'm going to really concentrate on it. This weekend, my band was remarkably unobtrusive, this morning I knew when I had my coffee it would be a tough day. I got stuck on my lunch and stopped as soon as I felt like I was stuck, but not soon enough and well...yuck. I remember when I was newly banded I would get so upset when I read about people getting sick and I thought, I will never do that. Little did I know that you can't necessarily stop that train. Man it was a bad one too.
I hope everyone had a great weekend, I love getting that extra hour of sleep when the time changes, I just wish I could save it to use when I really need it, kind of like a time out in a football game.
Today at work we had our A/C ducts cleaned, ooooh it smells very medicinal in here and I don't like it!
Have a great day folks...
Friday, November 5, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Last night my sister came over for a visit and a couple of glasses of wine (I had more than a couple) and she had cleaned out her closet and brought me some clothes. My sister is not fat, so I was shocked that she brought me her hand me downs. She said, "you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want them, but I think there are some things you can wear, if not now, very soon." I thought that was very sweet of her, there were some cute things in the bag, but seriously, like I could wear her stuff, right. Well, today I'm wearing one of her sweaters, and it's a large, just a regular large, no X in front. I was shocked. I think it must be generous for a Large, but it made me feel pretty good.
I had lunch with my husband today and he commented on the sweater. I said it was my sister's and he said "Well look at you, you're doing great!" He is so sweet and he always compliments me. He said he can really tell that I'm losing. But the thing is: I'm not losing. I haven't lost any weight in a couple of weeks, I just keep bouncing up and down the same 2 pounds, but it never sticks long enough to claim it. Our conversation went like this:
me "I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks!"
him "you might not be losing weight, but your body is changing, I can see it!"
me "I can't see it, I want to lose some weight."
him "that's it, I'm taking the scale again."
me "but what if I start spiraling out of control and don't catch it, because you have the scale?" him "how can you spiral out of control when you can hardly eat anything."
me "some days I can eat more."
him "followed by a day that you can't, eat much at all, I think it evens out."
me "okay, take the scale, I'll weigh once a week."
him "how about once a month."
me "that's crazy."
him "so, anyway today at the office...." completely changed the subject.
We continued on with lunch (I got stuck and puked, but other than that it was a lovely lunch!)
Well then I get back to work and I'm reading a few blogs and see Gen has written about letting her jeans be the indicator of her success rather than the scale. She has even gotten a new ticker that tracks her waist measurement rather than weight. I think that's great. And then, I boldly think, yeah that's it, maybe the hubby is right, maybe I can go a whole month without weighing. So, I'm committing to it right now. I won't weigh again until December 5. OH, my heart is racing and I'm starting to sweat, surely I've gone mad. But, I'm going to do it. He won't give in and give me back the scale, and I'm not brave enough to weigh at the grocery store on the scale you put a quarter in. So, there you have it.
Now, back to the insecurity. I'm just going to put this out there and I know it's crazy but it is what it is. I'm scared of what I'm going to look like as I continue to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll be a big old bag of skin. Now, I realize that it can't be any worse than the fat is. But my body is changing and it's squishier than before, what if it stays that way? I've read many blogs, lots of people say that your skin does that, you get squishy then it adjusts, but when I look at myself, I can't imagine it ever not being gross. I've seen bandsters wearing swim suits and seen pictures of people who were similar in shape and size to me that look really normal when it's all said and done. I just don't know why all of a sudden I'm worrying about this, it's something I can't change regardless of the worry. I know that no matter what, I will likely look better with clothes on than I do now and after all, I'll be wearing clothes the majority of the time, right? I don't know why I can't shut up the voices in my head. (I had a therapist once who told me I'd never successfully shut them up, so I just needed to change their dialogue, I need to work on that too.)
I know that the way I think is not rational most of the time. I just don't know how to be any different than I am. I know that I put undo stress on my husband, because I'm an emotional sponge, I'm always looking for validation. But, how does one go about changing that?
I'm just a mess lately. I think I'm in pretty good company though, maybe it's in the air. I hope everyone has a great day.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I want to thank you for the wonderful comments about my blog on the Marie Claire article. I truly appreciate all of your input and your understanding. These last couple of months have been filled with deep thoughts and soul searching. I hope everyone has a wonderful day. Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts with me. It means so much to me.
Friday, October 29, 2010
I was not an overweight youngster or teenager, so I can only imagine the pain that being ridiculed for your weight can cause a young child. I gained my weight at 25, as an adult. But as a woman who has been varying degrees of fat for the last 23 years, I have experience prejudice and cruelty, because of my weight. I do know that pain. This is something that I rarely talk about and really don't want people to know about. Hell, I'm guilty as well. I berate myself, I have been crueler to myself about my fat than I would ever tolerate from another.
The woman who wrote that article for Marie Claire, said that she has struggled with body image issues and recovered from anorexia. This woman has the same issues as I do, but they have manifested themselves differently. I remember when my weight first started spiraling out of control, when years of binging and starving finally caught up with me. I remember trying to make myself vomit, I remember trying to get past the sick feeling of hunger and get to the powerful feeling...I wanted another eating disorder than the one I had, because I felt like a failure even in my sickness. I felt like, at least the ones who are starving to death or puking til their teeth fall out get the help they need. Couldn't anyone see that we were all crazy? Couldn't anyone see that we were all dying, just a different type of death? Couldn't anyone just look at me and see that no one would choose to be this? Couldn't anyone besides me realize that the way I chose to kill myself was slow and painful....one bite at a time? Couldn't I just get skinny and well at the same time? Couldn't I just stay at my goal weight for more than an hour, just this once? Couldn't my therapist stop telling me that it's not about the food? Couldn't people just see that I am the same person, regardless of the coating around me? Couldn't this, couldn't that?
So much of my life has been spent obsessing about my issues with food, my weight, my body image. I have wasted so much of my life. It's painful being fat, I have a list of moments etched into my brain, moments were people have been cruel or moments when you realize, that even though you're the biggest thing in the room...you're invisible. I remember one incident particularly well, one of those defining moments. I was in the construction business, and we were doing a big project at a casino. One of my employees had broken a saw and needed me to bring another one to the job site. I got it and wrestled it to my car, this is a big saw, a sliding chop saw. And, I'm in a dress mind you, I pull up to the casino (it's a riverboat) and they won't let me drive over the bridge area to get close, so I call my employee to come with a cart. I can't reach him and I have to be at a sales meeting with a potential customer soon after this. So, I decide to try to carry the saw. I get it out of the car and I start hauling it. As I'm walking across the area, there are about 15 men eating or smoking off to the side and not a single one of them offered to help me. By the time I got half way there, my employee called me back and then came to meet me, he took the saw and looked at me and said, I can't believe no one over there helped you. I couldn't even respond. When I was walking back to my car I saw 2 of the men hop up to open the door for a skinny woman who was walking up carrying a poster board. When I got to my car, I cried and I cried. Never before had it been so clear to me what the world really thought of me. The world, that didn't know me, the world that did not give me the opportunity to talk my way into their hearts, the real world...and it sucked!
The woman who wrote this article said that she thought people of all sizes and shapes should be represented on TV in in magazines, but that the couple on Mike and Molly weren't just overweight, but morbidly obese (more than 100 pounds overweight) and that it was time to address how unhealthy that is. I know it is not healthy to be 100 pounds overweight, been there! But I also know that it is not healthy to be Anorexic or Bulimic. I also know that everyone, regardless of size, deserves to feel loved and respected.
The other thing she said that really pissed me off was; that if someone wanted to know how to lose weight, that she'd be happy to give them some healthy eating and exercise tips! Really? I know how to lose weight, always have, but knowing and doing are quite different. Just as I'm sure she knew how to not starve herself, but couldn't quit doing it. I guess what upsets me the most about the prejudices that accompany being fat is that often times people think if you're fat, you're lazy, stupid and weak. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy and I'm certainly not weak! I know how to lose weight! You know, my husband uses tobacco, he knows it's bad for him, he knows he should stop, but he can't right now, does that make him lazy, stupid or weak? No, he's a hard worker, he's smart and strong, but he's addicted to tobacco. I know lots of people who have addictions and other issues, who are not stupid, lazy or weak, but troubled and addicted.
All I know for sure is that, my relationship with food for the past 30 years has been less than healthy and I no longer want to live the way I have been living. I don't want to be fat, I'm glad I got a tool to help me in my struggle to level the playing field in my fight against obesity. Do I think that suddenly when I'm thin I'll be smarter, stronger, less lazy? Do I think that I'll be a better person because I can shop in a normal store? I have mixed emotions when I think about what my life will be like as a "normal" sized woman. Sometimes I still get angry when I think about the way people have judged me without even knowing me. I hope I enjoy being there when I get there, but I don't know if I will.
All I do know is that I'm glad it's Friday and I'm glad I've got you guys!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
And, thank you all for the wonderful comments about my comparison photos yesterday. Everyone was so sweet. It was really hard to put that awful picture of myself out there. But, it's me. I'm not ashamed of where I've been, I'm just glad I'm on my way out. I had to laugh when people said that I didn't look like I had 53 pounds left to loose. It's because I was doing the Amy W. pose, it takes at least 10 pounds off of a girl, unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to comfortably stay in that position all day!
I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support base. Thank you for all that you are to me!
Big Hugs and spooky stuff!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hope you are having a cooler one than me!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, my son had a middle school dance, so I had to bring him and pick him up, so not much else took place, no cocktail, when you have to tote kids around. Saturday, we went to a wonderful cocktail party and then to a friends house for a little more cocktail. I was having a bad food day, so I was sick several times during the day, wine went down fine though, so Sunday...a bit of a headache!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Yeah, no hernia, just some scar tissue. It was quite interesting when I went for the ultrasound yesterday. The tech asked me to show her where on my abdomen I felt the area in question. I lifted my shirt and showed her, she saw my scars and said, "so you had surgery?" My reply, "yes almost 7 months ago." She starts with the ultrasound and suddenly this look comes accross her face and she's trying to look calm, I can tell. She moves the wand several different ways, she turns the screen away from me, then she finally says, "what kind of surgery did you have?" I said, "I have a Lap Band." She then makes a huge sigh and says,"Thank God, I thought they left something in there after surgery!" It was funny and then the Radiologist came in and looked too, my port was cool looking and she said she's glad to know how well it shows up on ultrasound, because they usually do fills under x-ray when they have trouble locating a port, but she said this would be so much easier. Hmmm. Anyway, my port was attached perfectly flat on my abdominal wall and there was no scar tissue on my abdominal wall, actually it was between the fat layers and the muscle. Strange, but I'm glad it's nothing.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Big Hugs!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Flash forward 6 years:
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the life I have now. I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me and my children. My children are safe and happy. I live in a beautiful home. I have a great job, I have great friends....and I have taken the steps to get my weight under control, permanently.
Wow! I can't believe how much things have changed and how much I've changed.
Have a great day!
Monday, October 18, 2010
I hope all of you had a great weekend, I did, but it was way too action packed, not much in the line of rest going on. Have a great Monday! And thanks for being such a great source of support for me!
Friday, October 15, 2010
I wasn't fat, but I was tall. That's me all the way to the right. I was 5 years old, the little blond girl was my best friend, she and I are the same age, the girl between us is her older sister, she's 7 and the baby in the pool is 2. Just to put things in perspective. I was tall, the tallest kid in my class until the 7th grade, when 2 boys finally passed me up. I was 5'8" in the 7th grade. I always felt big, even though I was thin until I was 25, I always felt like the biggest thing in the room. Generally, I was. My first grade teacher was a tiny little nun, who was the same height as me. I was 6. I remember having conversations with my mom about being so big and wondering if I would ever stop growing or if I'd have to settle for life in the Circus. She was tall too and would always tell me that one day I'd be thankful I was tall (yeah, when the BMI chart came out!) Seriously, she was right. I'm glad I'm tall. I'm glad that I passed that gene on to my tall sons, I just wish that I'd had a greater appreciation for my height when I was younger. I was never very athletic, I was always and still am a bit of a spaz. I grew really fast as a kid, which did not lend itself to great coordination and athletic prowess. I remember always getting picked first for basketball and other sports, only to disappoint my teammates. Bad athletes do come in big packages.
My height, though it was tough as a child, was not what lead to my weight problem. My weight problem was a direct result of my self medicating with food. After my parents died, what brought me the most comfort was food. I ate in secret, I ate around others, I ate myself into a full blown morbidly obese woman. So, I don't know the pain of being an overweight child, but I do know the pain of being a child who's lonely and scared and struggling to fit in. And I certainly know the pain of being an overweight grown up. I think we all know that one.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.