Thursday, July 28, 2011

A funny thing happened on the way to the green zone...

It's 9 days since my de-fill of .5 cc's. I have been feeling really good, having much more energy since I've been able to eat a better variety of foods. I have been able to take my medicine easily and I can drink water easily and am feeling hydrated. So....a funny thing happened yesterday. Yesterday, I woke up starving, like my stomach was eating a hole in my backbone hungry. I had a glass of milk and then later at work some oatmeal. Not even an hour later, starving again. I spent most of my day yesterday hungry and feeling like I'd made a huge mistake by getting a de-fill. Today, I woke up and it was like a normal day, I had a glass of milk, and a small breakfast at work, I'm satisfied and really feeling some good restriction today. I was all perplexed. Why is it like this? Then I remember, my band has been like this, some days I can eat freely and am really hungry, then the next day, all is right with the world. It's just that before I had my de-fill, the days of tightness would also be filled with getting stuck, throwing up and feeling very sorry for myself. So, right this moment, I'm feeling glad that I got some out. And I'm hoping that I'll still feel that way tomorrow. That band, she's a fickle one for sure!
Big Hugs,

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I survived...

The variety show was a hit! I'm glad it's over, but I am still struggling with the post show let down. I finally know all my songs perfectly and it's over. It's so much preparation for 2 nights of performance! Oh well, it was a blast, I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's done!

This is a comparison shot of "Babs & Tessie" the tacky lounge singers, also known as the

Trailer Park Troubadours, we have a recurring part in the show each year. I can definitely see a difference in my fluff factor from last year (left) to this year (right).

We have a professional photographer who takes shots during our production, when we get those I'll share them with you.

I got tons of complements about my weight loss, in fact one of the guys in the show said his friend thought that someone else was playing my part until I started singing and he recognised my voice. It was a nice change to feel normal.

My de-fill is still going fine. My weight has been fluctuating a bit since then, but I'm sure it's from all the wine from the weekend and late night eating during the show. I still feel like I did the right thing getting some taken out. I still have restriction although not as much. If I do what I'm supposed to do, I'm sure I'll find that I'm in the right spot. I did get stuck and PB'd a couple of times this weekend, but I think it was a combination of nerves and trying to eat too quickly.

I don't have much to report. I'm a little behind on comments, I've been reading, but haven't had much time to really catch up. Let me know if I missed anything major. I hope you all have a great day!
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What a difference .5 cc's make!

I feel so much better since getting my small de-fill yesterday. I can't believe what a difference that little amount has made. I chugged water after the de-fill and it went down, it didn't just sit there in my throat and try to inch it's way back into my mouth! I ate comfortably yesterday, I had some stomach pain last night, but I really think it's because I just hadn't been eating much at all lately and my body was a little shocked. I went to bed with my water glass at my side last night and when I woke up thirsty last night, I took the tiniest sip and guess what? went down! Then this morning I had my coffee and I was able to take my BP medicine and my B-12 without getting stuck, without feeling sick and without tasting the bitter pill for hours. I had breakfast 2 hours ago and I'm still satisfied. And.....wait for it, that pesky extra weight that I've been calling water weight...gone this morning, back to my low! Yay! I feel good, I'm so excited that I'll be able to eat again, some real food, good solid protein. Ah...why did I wait so long? I've been so afraid to get any out, because I haven't been losing weight and I was afraid I'd really stop losing and be hungry all the time. I know it's early in the game, but already I feel better. Like so many of you pointed out, it's an ADJUSTABLE gastric band, duh! I'll keep you posted on my progress, I want to change that ticker so bad! Have a great day!
Big Hugs!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The de-fill and my cute bargain shoes.

Hey guys, how are you? I'm doing great. Thank you so much for all of your advice and support about my too tight band. I got the de-fill today, well I got some taken out, 1/2 cc. We looked back over my records and found that I have only had 3 cc's added, but the doc said he was using a 3cc syringe and that it was easy for him to pull out 3 cc's so he felt like I had more in my band than we thought. I don't know, but I do know it felt great to chug a bottle of water without feeling it creep back up into my throat. Also, I went to meet the hubs for lunch and I got green curry shrimp, I ate 5 small shrimp and some of the broth, it was good...protein first! Yay, that's a rule that has had to fall by the wayside since I've been so tight. I hope that getting this little bit out will allow me to make better food choices and kick start my weight loss, since it has been at a standstill for what feels like an eternity. I got these cute shoes today at Marshall's while I was a away from the office, they were on the sale rack and were only $16.00, I love them.

Rehearsals are kicking my butt for the Variety Show I'm in, but the performances are on Thursday and Friday of this week. I'm ready for it to be here, ready for it to be over with, but know when it's over I will feel a little sad that it's over. It's so much work for 2 nights of performance. Anyway, I've got my costumes and wigs in order, just got a couple more songs to learn. I hope you all have a great day! Again, thanks for the support and advice.
Big Hugs,

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Thank you Jen! I'm going for it!

Okay, after reading Jen's post about her de-fill, or un-fill if you like, I was even more confused than I have been. I've been struggling with tightness and PBing and pain when I eat for a while now. But I've never gotten an unfill because I've been too scared to gain weight. It would appear that Jen and I have been in the same boat for a while. She's been in it for 17 months, me just for a few months. I have only had 2 fills, I have 3.5 cc's in a 10 cc band. I got my last fill in October, so that's been 9 months. In that time, I haven't lost much weight at all. At first my fill was just right, in fact I proclaimed the green zone once or twice. But about 4 months ago, my band started getting tighter. I get tight at TOM and with hormonal fluctuations, I also get tight with stress. So, when I get tight, and PB and have multiple stuck episodes, it's disheartening and I feel like I gravitate to bad foods because at least I know I can eat them. There are times though that my band seems fine, that I can eat comfortably so that 's what's been keeping me from getting an unfill. I'm scared. I get panicky when I think about how it could be if I can eat freely. Yesterday I called Jen for some advice. She told me that she was feeling the exact same way and that after her unfill she can finally eat without pain and fear and that she is eating good solid protein and feeling satisfied. I have an appointment for Tuesday with my surgeon and I'm going to get some out. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had since banding. I got up and got stuck on my coffee, all day I was stuck and puking, stuck on oatmeal, mashed potatoes, water, I puked so much yesterday. So, to say I was hungry, weak and crabby is an understatement. Yesterday half way through the work day I had a milk shake because I was so shaky. I'm scared to get an unfill, but I'm also scared to keep going this tight. I hope my doc will just take 1/2 cc out for me. I was dehydrated yesterday and in the evening when my band loosened up a bit I drank plenty of water to catch up, I woke up at 11:30 last night to pee and without thinking, I grabbed my water and took a sip. Stuck, so for 30 minutes I was yakking up water so that I could lay back down and get some sleep. Something has to give, I don't want to hurt my band or me for that matter. I definitely think I'm in the red zone after reading the description that Amy W. had posted last week.

I hope you all have a great weekend. I'm looking forward to it, although I will be busy, rehearsal tonight and Sunday we move the set. I get my kids back today, I sure do miss them! Y'all have a good one!
Big Hugs,

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Monday edition...

Hey folks, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I sure did. I went to a lovely party Saturday night and spent time with a bunch of my high school friends. It was really nice. We drank and sang and had a good time. I couldn't eat though. On Friday my band decided to tighten up on me and so the whole weekend food wise was pretty rough. I was very hungry and unable to eat much of anything. Yesterday I did lots of puking, so today I'm on liquids and really trying to get past this. I struggle with the red zone when the hormones are in full force. It's a scary feeling and last night my pouch was so irritated that I could barely keep liquids down. Today I'm babying it and things seem much better. Last night though, I would have taken all the fluid out of my band if I could have. There is a lot of uncertainty with the band, but I'm still glad I have mine.

Okay, now...last night I watched the Dianne Sawyer interview with Jaycee Dugard, and OMG! It just touched me so much, that poor girl, her poor mother and those sick people who took her. It just made me so sad for her. I can't imagine what she endured and her poor mother, how she never seemed to give up hope of seeing her daughter again. I had a very restless night of sleep, I kept thinking about it and thinking about our kids, it would kill me if anything ever happened to my kids or my step kids. The world is a scary place.

I ate split pea soup for lunch today, that was about 2 hours ago, and I'm still physically satisfied, but I'm wanting to eat so badly right now. I get like that when I've had a hard time eating, I feel sorry for myself and want to eat to comfort me. What is up with that. So anyway, like I said, this weekend I could barely eat and this morning I got on the scale and it was up...3 freaking pounds. I'm sorry but I just don't see how that can be. I'm not changing my ticker either, so screw that scale. I'm about to throw it out the window, or maybe I need another break from the scale like I did a few months back. It just makes me so mad. I know for sure now I'll never reach 199 before the show in two weeks, at this rate I'd have to cut off a foot to get there. I keep waiting for the Earth to shift again and let me lose. Insert Nancy Kerrigan cry...Why, why, why can't I get there?

Enough of my little pity party. I hope you all have a great week.
Big Hugs!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Good advice, Friday Joy and BYOC!

First of all, thank you for your kind words and advice yesterday about the situation with my step-son. Your words mean so much to me. I know a lot of it has to do with his age, but it's hard to step back and see that when I'm in the middle of it all. So, thank you!

And now for a little bit of advice from me:
I know you've heard the saying "If you love something let it go....if it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." Beautiful wise words, but I have my own twist on it:

"if you love something, buy it in every color they have!"

Thus the red and black matching tops. Just too cute to pass it up!

Now for BYOC:

1. If you were asked to symbolize yourself as an animal - which animal would you be?
That's a hard one, probably a bear... a mama bear. I'd kill someone who tries to mess with my cubs. I can be sweet and cuddly, until you cross me, you know "mess with the bear you get the claw!" I could probably do a circus act, I like sweets (willing to take on bees for honey) and junk food (willing to take on campers for twinkies!) and I could probably sleep through most of the winter.

2. Did you ever play an organized sport - with coaches, rules and scoring? Tell us about it.
I ran cross country in high school and in Junior High I played volleyball and ran track. But in high school I lettered in Forensics....The letter actually said Forensics. Not like the Forensic files on TV, but Speech and Debate. That was my forte and Drama of course!

3. When did you start shaving your legs? I started shaving my legs in the 6th grade I think. I remember bugging the crap out of my mom and then as soon as I shaved, I wish I could undo it, my legs were so white and skinny!

4. When you're in a crabby - pissy - want to stab everyone you see kind of mood - what do you do to get out of it or do you revel in it?
I usually cry! And I eat chocolate! And I blog and you guys cheer me up. I also lash out irrationally at those around me and then spend the next couple of days apologizing to those same folks. I also listen to music and go online and watch old America's Funniest Video montages and videos of babies laughing!

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life. In blogland there's lots going on: Barbara had her surgery and is doing great, her boobs are so perky, she has to go bra less for a while! Sally is preparing for her gastric bypass next week. Gilly is trying to get my lazy ass to do the challenge, I thought about it for a second, just a second though! And Camille had to get a total unfill! In real life, fighting with my step son, a friend of mine passed away at 47 with two girls 13 and 11, so tragic! I'm a raging hormonal beast. All last week I could eat practically any thing I came across and did not get stuck at all. Today I started and like magic, the old band slammed shut on me! PB'd twice this morning....the band is so fickle, but just when I think it's not in shows me that it is! My hubby is going to the Deer Camp this weekend for some much needed R&R. He has been working so many hours and so hard lately, I hope he has the best weekend ever. I have a party to go to Saturday, I'm excited about that and the rest of the weekend, I plan to catch up on my housework and spend some quality time with my step daughter and if he'll let me, my step son. My boys are going to their Dad's this weekend.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Again, thanks for your kind words.
Big Hugs!

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Today my heart hurts. My step-son and I had an argument today. We have argued many times since we became a family. SS is the only child who lives with us full time. Although my children are with me the majority of the time, they go to their dad's house every other weekend and once a week, then in the summer they go one week with me one week with their dad, my step daughter is on a similar visitation plan. SS, however, stays with us all the time. He is 20 and I have been a part of his life for more than 6 years now. I love him, he is part of my family, and he frustrates me. We have been butting heads about things that bother both me and his dad a lot lately. Nothing really major, just things that are important to us that he thinks are stupid. This morning on the way to work, he was riding with me because his truck is broken, I let my frustration get the best of me. I told him how much it hurt my feelings that he appears to not care about me or my wishes. The discussion got heated. I cried and I yelled and I've been sick about it the whole day. I want so much for him. I see him making mistakes I made when I was young. I see him setting himself up for pain and failure. I see him setting short term goals just to get away from home, rather than goals that will get him a better position in life. I see him in pain and unable to talk to me or anyone about it. I see him look at me with contempt. And all of that makes me so sad. I can't get through to him, I've tried. I feel like he hates me.

I've blogged before about how difficult the step-child/step-mother relationship is. With your own kids, there is this level of trust, because you've always been a part of each others lives. With step kids, they come to you already wary, they have been through divorce with their parents, they test you and it takes time and great energy to get to the point where they know you care for them for real and for you to feel like family. I am a very maternal woman. I love being a mother, I think it is an integral part of who I am as a person. Mothering comes easy to me. So, I feel like a total failure in this relationship.

Today sucks. I'm sad. I'm upset, my eyes are swollen from crying. I just hate this feeling of helplessness. I have eaten poorly today in an effort to comfort myself like I used to, I know better, really I do.

I'm sorry I'm such a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
Hope your day goes well, tomorrow's Friday.
Big Hugs,

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Just the facts....

Yeah, it's that kind of post. I'm going to list the facts:

  • I suck at this.

  • My lack of planning is hurting me.

  • Just because I'm tired and busy does not give me an excuse to do poorly.

  • I may never see the scale move in a downward way again!

  • When I get home I need to prepare food for me as well as my family in a short time, going to rehearsal hungry and staying hungry for 3 hours does not help me make good choices.

  • Last night at 9 pm I ate some Ramen Noodles! Ramen Noodles nutritional value, loaded with sodium and fat...and 380 calories to boot.

  • I'm tired, and realized I keep forgetting to take my B-12 tablets!

  • I'm too lame to even join one of the challenges, because I don't want to be the only person in the challenge to gain or not lose at all.

  • I'm getting complacent.

  • I'm getting old.

  • And, now...I'm getting over it!

This is my official plea!....if you read me, give me some advice, some tid bit of information that will spur me on to success. Please.

Thank you!

I had a fabulous weekend, but of course I drank too much wine and ate sweets among other things. I feel like I'm never going to get there, to a normal weight. I want to, but obviously not bad enough to change my evil ways.

Have a great day....Big Hugs!