Happy Friday! Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support yesterday. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about my future weight loss goal and what it is that's holding me back. I've tried to refocus my efforts. I've been reading blogs, watching YouTube videos about WLS successes and generally trying to remember the feelings that lead me to have WLS. I don't want to go back certainly, but I think I've forgotten what it felt like to be so desperate to lose weight. I don't feel desperate anymore. That's a good thing, but I think that I would be more apt do better with my diet and exercise if I was a little more in touch with the feelings of my fatter self. Does that make sense?
I told you I wanted to change my goal to 175 maybe 180. I found a picture of myself from 1989. I was on Weight Watchers, my heaviest at that point was 207, I was mortified, I felt so defeated and so fat, I could not believe that I had let myself get above 200. I joined WW and lost 32 pounds, I thought I looked great and I certainly felt great. Here is a picture of me at 175.
Once I got to 175, I felt like it was a weight that I could maintain. But my leader said that I would have to get a letter from my doctor saying it was okay, because the top number for my height and my age was 150 pounds. I remember feeling so defeated. I was happy with the way I looked, I felt like I might even be able to sustain the loss. I had worn a 2 piece bathing suit to the beach...and I wasn't embarrassed at all, I was wearing horizontal stripes for crying out loud! But, the news from my leader hurt my feelings so bad, that I just gave up. I remember driving through McD's on the way home....I'll show her! HA! In less than a year I had gained all my weight back plus 15 pounds more. How many times in my life have I punished myself because my feelings were hurt? My doctor would have gladly written a letter for me. I could have said "who cares...I feel good." But instead... I ate, because it made me feel better, I got fatter which made me feel worse, so I ate because that made me feel better, so I would feel worse.... a horrible cycle. So self destructive.
I've been hemin' and hawin' and staying the same, I've been maintaining, because I'm eating too much to lose. I've been eating for comfort at times. I've not been eating protein first most of the time. And, I've NOT been exercising. The thing is....I've been doing all these things and still maintaining my weight, so the truth is, I can make some really small changes and see results. Or if I was so inclined, I could make some dramatic changes and see dramatic results. I'm 23 years older than I was in that picture, I was 26. My body is different now, I don't have youth on my side like I did then, but I definitely have experience on my side. I know how to lose weight. I know how to cook healthy food that is delicious. And I know how to make time for me to exercise. I know where my goal lives, I just have to walk the walk to get there. And while I'm revving up to get there, I need to remember some of the pain that got me to this moment in time, a time that fortunately is pretty painless. I'm well aware that things could be worse. But, I'm thinking they could be a little better too.
Again, thanks for listening!