LilySlim - Weight loss

Friday, May 4, 2012

Reevaluating my goals...

Happy Friday! Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support yesterday. I've been doing a great deal of thinking about my future weight loss goal and what it is that's holding me back. I've tried to refocus my efforts. I've been reading blogs, watching YouTube videos about WLS successes and generally trying to remember the feelings that lead me to have WLS. I don't want to go back certainly, but I think I've forgotten what it felt like to be so desperate to lose weight. I don't feel desperate anymore. That's a good thing, but I think that I would be more apt do better with my diet and exercise if I was a little more in touch with the feelings of my fatter self. Does that make sense?

I told you I wanted to change my goal to 175 maybe 180. I found a picture of myself from 1989. I was on Weight Watchers, my heaviest at that point was 207, I was mortified, I felt so defeated and so fat, I could not believe that I had let myself get above 200. I joined WW and lost 32 pounds, I thought I looked great and I certainly felt great. Here is a picture of me at 175. 

Once I got to 175, I felt like it was a weight that I could maintain. But my leader said that I would have to get a letter from my doctor saying it was okay, because the top number for my height and my age was 150 pounds. I remember feeling so defeated. I was happy with the way I looked, I felt like I might even be able to sustain the loss. I had worn a 2 piece bathing suit to the beach...and I wasn't embarrassed at all, I was wearing horizontal stripes for crying out loud! But, the news from my leader hurt my feelings so bad, that I just gave up. I remember driving through McD's on the way home....I'll show her! HA! In less than a year I had gained all my weight back plus 15 pounds more. How many times in my life have I punished myself because my feelings were hurt? My doctor would have gladly written a letter for me. I could have said "who cares...I feel good." But instead... I ate, because it made me feel better, I got fatter which made me feel worse, so I ate because that made me feel better, so I would feel worse.... a horrible cycle. So self destructive.

I've been hemin' and hawin' and staying the same, I've been maintaining, because I'm eating too much to lose. I've been eating for comfort at times. I've not been eating protein first most of the time. And, I've NOT been exercising. The thing is....I've been doing all these things and still maintaining my weight, so the truth is, I can make some really small changes and see results. Or if I was so inclined, I could make some dramatic changes and see dramatic results. I'm 23 years older than I was in that picture, I was 26. My body is different now, I don't have youth on my side like I did then, but I definitely have experience on my side. I know how to lose weight. I know how to cook healthy food that is delicious. And I know how to make time for me to exercise. I know where my goal lives, I just have to walk the walk to get there. And while I'm revving up to get there, I need to remember some of the pain that got me to this moment in time, a time that fortunately is pretty painless. I'm well aware that things could be worse. But, I'm thinking they could be a little better too.

Again, thanks for listening!
Big Hugs,


Steph said...

You CAN do this. I think you look great now, but I know you want to reach those goals in your mind. You can do it. We are all here for you!

Gilly said...

You know what you need to do?? Come to BOOBs!!! It's really the only solution!'s settled! xoxo

Dawnya said...

Getting to a place where you know what motivates you to continue is a good thing. If you need to hang up a "heavy" picture or put a pair of pants you want to wear on a hanger in the hall and walk past them daily...whatever it is.

I know you can do this. We all believe in you and support yuo.

And what Gilly said.

MandaPanda said...

Yes! I think I've become just a little too comfortable in my new skin... Not desperate enough. Thanks for this post!

Jen from Oregon said...

Could not have said it more clearly myself! You will do it!!

I need to find my fight again.

I think I got my new motivator today. My invite to my 25th HS reunion in October.

CeeJay said...

You can do this, you do have good focus and you know exactly what to do!!! Rock on!

Jacquie said...

Once you get your head on board (which it ounces like you have!) losing more weight will happen! You can do this!

Sandy said...

Just figuring it out is part of figuring out whatt weight you should be at. I'm at 175 and am not sure if I want/need to be lower. You do look fab in that photo though.

speck said...

I know exactly what you mean. When I'm at this place in my life, sometimes making ONE change is good enough.

Darlin1 said...

I'm hoping you can make this happen....because I'm right there with you!


I thought giving up the booze for 6 weeks was going to be huge for you....and I was going to follow you....maybe NOT!


Beth Ann said...

"I don't want to go back certainly, but I think I've forgotten what it felt like to be so desperate to lose weight." I so hear you on this!!!!

Isn't it amazing what one comment from someone else can end up meaning in our lives?