Wednesday, March 13, 2013

When you lie to yourself....

You're the only one who gets hurt.

Hello peeps.  I'm approaching my 3 year band anniversary.  I've been doing a great deal of thinking and really trying to be honest with myself.  Here are the things I've discovered:

  • There is nothing wrong with my band.
  • There is something wrong with the user.
  • When I make a bad choice, I will be the one to pay for it.
  • I have a problem with sugar.
  • I have a problem with bread.
  • I have a problem separating my wants from my needs.
  • I still use food as a drug.
  • The reason I haven't reached my goal, is because I haven't believed that I could do it and I haven't believed that I deserve it.
  • I can and I do deserve to be at my goal weight.
  • I still miss the anonymity of being fatter.
  • I am a slow learner.
  • I am losing again.
  • I will reach my goal.
  • No one can do it for me.
Well there you have it.  Sometimes I think, man after 3 years, you're still struggling with this, what is wrong with you?  But then, I have to stop and think about things for a moment.  3 years is nothing when I stack it up next to the many years that it took me to get so fat.  My use of food as a coping mechanism is ingrained in me, it's part of who I am.  This will be a life long challenge.  I spent a good portion of last year wondering if I made the right surgery choice.  I wanted the band over bypass because I wanted to be able to make adjustments, I know several people with the bypass who initially lost all of their weight, but then gained it back.  I was afraid.  But you know what I was really afraid of?  I was afraid that I was going to get the gold standard as far as weight loss surgery goes, the double whammy....restriction and malabsorbtion and still be a failure.  I was afraid of not being able to go back, I was afraid that I might not be able to live without using food to cope and then where would I be?  I thought, well....lots of people are successful with the band, even if they don't always loose 100% of their excess weight, some is better than none and if I don't like it, I can always have it taken out.  How childish, how reckless of me! To think that I would just be so cavalier about a life altering surgery is beyond me now.  I know that my band has been a huge part of my success so far, but I also know that it hasn't done this for me.  It has helped greatly, it has leveled the playing field for me.  I know also that staying away from sugar is probably as effective as my band in controlling hunger and I've know that for some time now, but I've been in denial. I know that honesty is not always pleasant, but in order to get where I need to's a necessary step. 

I weighed in today at 204, the first time in a long time I've been below 205.  I want to get there....and that's a big step for me.  I haven't wanted it bad enough.

I hope you all have a great day, as always, thanks for your support.  You've been a huge blessing to me on this journey.

Big Hugs!


Dawnya said...

Taking a good hard look at our choices is hard. The fact that you are doign that and trying again is a big deal. You will be a success. Everyday is a new day to get it right.

Anna said...

Thank you for this. I need to hear it as much as you need to say it. Hugs to you!

Amanda M. said...

You are not alone. I have been banded for 3 years and have not reached my goal weight. I agree and fit perfectly with the things you've listed. This is a life long journey. Being human, we have to continue to learn. Now that you know what you know, you can use that to help you reach your goal.

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

You're going to be okay honey. You've got a crowd of women here behind you cheering you on. I can't wait until you hit Onederland!!

Roo said...

I think most of us go through this on our journey. It's going to be a life long journey unfortunately when we battle food addictions. We may always need to focus on our healthy eating plan. I was at the gym this morning and I found myself thinking about starting to believe in myself again...I mean properly believe I can do this and the only way I am going to be able to do this is actually put the hard work in again. Exercise and eating right...regardless....because I've been losing the same 2-3 kilos over and over these past few weeks and I realised it's ME stopping me! Taking baby steps to make changes to incorporate them into our lifestyle is the key...something that has taken me a very long time to really understand

Linda said...

I love you lady! I'm going on 4 years and it's still a struggle. I've gained some weight back and it's taking all I have to get my head back in the game. I know you deserve to get to goal, but you have to.

Laura Belle said...

Happy Bandiversary!!!

You know what....everyone goes through the same things you go through. At least you recognize them! That's the first step to try and remedy the faults!

Keep on keepin' on!

BTW, I have had a serious and slightly obsessive craving for gumbo for like 3 weeks now.
And every show I watch has someone eating gumbo. I wish I knew how to make it!!

Barbara said...

I think you are perfectly normal. i am 3+ years out and I am not at goal and you know what. who cares!! I keep trying, I am like the every ready bunny.. I think I like it that I keep trying or else why would I stop!! Hang in there the warmer weather is coming .. make small changes in your day to day.. conquer walking more.. be good to yourself .. big hugs

Steph said...

You can and will do this, Theresa. it is a struggle for all of us. I am at a standstill and trying to get off this plateau is killing me. We CAN do this and that you realize your fears and face them is that WILL get you to your goals :)

speck said...

I read this the other day and I was like what a great post and I need to respond to it.

So today I went looking for your post. :)

"This will be a life long challenge"

Amen sister.

I'm a food addict and always will be. This might sound black and white but I believe the ones who have surgery and never have an issue again was never truly a food addict. I'm a food addict.

The band has helped me tremendously but I know I will always have the underlying condition of being a food addict.

With that said, there are things I can do to stay in "remission" and all we can do is try.

Thanks for a great post.

Donut Diva said...

Right there with you. I couldn't have written it better myself.