When you lie to yourself....

You're the only one who gets hurt.

Hello peeps.  I'm approaching my 3 year band anniversary.  I've been doing a great deal of thinking and really trying to be honest with myself.  Here are the things I've discovered:

• There is nothing wrong with my band.
• There is something wrong with the user.
• When I make a bad choice, I will be the one to pay for it.
• I have a problem with sugar.
• I have a problem with bread.
• I have a problem separating my wants from my needs.
• I still use food as a drug.
• The reason I haven't reached my goal, is because I haven't believed that I could do it and I haven't believed that I deserve it.
• I can and I do deserve to be at my goal weight.
• I still miss the anonymity of being fatter.
• I am a slow learner.
• I am losing again.
• I will reach my goal.
• No one can do it for me.

Well there you have it.  Sometimes I think, man after 3 years, you're still struggling with this, what is wrong with you?  But then, I have to stop and think about things for a moment.  3 years is nothing when I stack it up next to the many years that it took me to get so fat.  My use of food as a coping mechanism is ingrained in me, it's part of who I am.  This will be a life long challenge.  I spent a good portion of last year wondering if I made the right surgery choice.  I wanted the band over bypass because I wanted to be able to make adjustments, I know several people with the bypass who initially lost all of their weight, but then gained it back.  I was afraid.  But you know what I was really afraid of?  I was afraid that I was going to get the gold standard as far as weight loss surgery goes, the double whammy....restriction and malabsorbtion and still be a failure.  I was afraid of not being able to go back, I was afraid that I might not be able to live without using food to cope and then where would I be?  I thought, well....lots of people are successful with the band, even if they don't always loose 100% of their excess weight, some is better than none and if I don't like it, I can always have it taken out.  How childish, how reckless of me! To think that I would just be so cavalier about a life altering surgery is beyond me now.  I know that my band has been a huge part of my success so far, but I also know that it hasn't done this for me.  It has helped greatly, it has leveled the playing field for me.  I know also that staying away from sugar is probably as effective as my band in controlling hunger and I've know that for some time now, but I've been in denial. I know that honesty is not always pleasant, but in order to get where I need to get....it's a necessary step. 

I weighed in today at 204, the first time in a long time I've been below 205.  I want to get there....and that's a big step for me.  I haven't wanted it bad enough.

I hope you all have a great day, as always, thanks for your support.  You've been a huge blessing to me on this journey.

Big Hugs!
T