To fill or not to fill...

That is the question!?! I have fill appointment next Tuesday and I just don't know if I should get one. As I've told you guys, I have gotten stuck quite a bit since my first 2cc fill. I don't want to be too tight. But, how can you know? I mean the band is certainly a fickle little thing isn't it? Some days I feel like I could eat a cow, some days I can barely eat. I don't push it though and can enjoy lots of different foods. I do know that I don't want to be so tight that I can't eat in front of others. I do know that my food choices generally dictate my satisfaction after a meal. If I make good choices with a protein rich meal, then I stay satisfied. It is also important for me not to drink with a meal and to wait at least 30 minutes after to drink. When I am true to those two things, then the band does just fine for me. I do get hungry, but can I really expect not to get hungry? I don't get hungry right after I eat, that is if I don't drink with my meal. I'm just so torn about this decision to fill or not to fill. Okay bandsters....I need some sage advice.

I forgot that Friday was my 3 month bandiversary. As of Friday, I was down 28 pounds, when I do an weekly average, that's 2.15 pounds per week or 9.33 pounds per month. That makes me feel better since I feel like my weight loss is painfully slow. Anyway, I'm just plugging along, I'm glad that I made the decision to have WLS, I'm glad I found all of you to share my journey with. I really think that I was pretty well prepared for what it would be like to have the lap band, but then I suppose I believed somehow that I would lose quicker than I am. I get a little disheartened sometimes by comments from my friends and family about my progress, like...duh...you have a lapband. It kind of hurts my feelings when people don't understand that even though I have a lap band, I still have to do my part. It's not magic and frankly, it's damn hard sometimes. I know people who have a lap band and are still just as overweight as when they started. Oh, enough of my rant already! I am very thankful that I made this decision and I am increasingly more hopeful and less skeptical with each pound that I drop. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me!

Hugs,

T

My trip to DC was great!

This is me, doing what I do best....hamming it up!

This was taken on Saturday in DC at the American Indian Museum

This was last year in New Orleans, I'm wearing the same shirt.

I thought that the comparison was pretty good. I really don't think like I look like I've lost much, but when I look at how my shirt fits, I can see a difference. I can certainly feel a difference, I'm much more comfortable these days. We had a wonderful time in DC, aside from some awful airline experiences. It was wonderful to catch up with our friends and we had a wonderful time visiting museums and sightseeing. It was hot as Hell in Washington DC, which surprised me a bit, I thought I'd get a little break from my way-South heat and humidity , but no such luck.

On the band side of things, I'm happy to say, I did not gain any weight over the weekend. My official weigh in is on Wednesday, so I'll post then, I'm dangerously close to 30 pounds down, keep your fingers crossed for me. On the trip, I only had one stuck episode and as always it happened when I was so hungry I could have eaten a horse. Our flight was delayed and we were planning a late dinner, which we didn't get to make, so we had to order in and I had 2 bites of a chicken wing and was stuck for about 30 minutes. I was so upset....I was tired and starving and no go on the food. But the rest of the weekend went great with food, I was able to eat just about everything and really enjoyed myself. It was really fun. I hope everyone had a great weekend and I wish you a fabulous week ahead!

Hugs,

T

But there's always a butt!

I'm feeling a little uninspired today. I was thinking, it's time for a post...one that's really funny or heartfelt and thought provoking. But, I'm not feeling it. I'm feeling a little bummed out right now. I'm going on a little trip to DC tomorrow which is very exciting. I'm going to see some friends and spend a weekend with my most excellent husband. I have a wonderful life and so much to be thankful for. I truly am thankful.

But....there's always a but isn't there? The but right now is the BUTT, my ex husband. I'm having some anxiety about leaving town and leaving my kids with their dad, because...well he's a butt! He's been such a jerk as of late, which makes me believe that he's having some personal issues. I can't believe that 5 1/2 years later he's still jacking with me. My kids deserve so much better in a father. The upside is, they have so much better...in their step-father. I'm glad I'm in the place I'm in today. My life is good, my health is getting better each day, my butt, is actually getting smaller, even though my ex-butt is constantly on the grow!

I hope everyone has a great day and a great rest of the week. I'm so lucky to have you guys.

Big Hug!

T

This is the devil!

My worst stuck episode ever....and this is the culprit. OY! Talk about bad. Admittedly, I'm a slow learner, though evidently not a slow eater. I just, without thinking popped a piece of cantaloupe in my mouth and boy was it a bad experience. I was stuck, worse than ever before. It was a 30 minute ordeal with lots of puking and sliming and gagging and regret!

I'm still hurting from it. Okay, so this is really only my 3rd time to PB, but each time it gets worse and my question to you banders is this....after you PB and have a bad stuck episode, do you feel super hungry? I do and it's weird, maybe it's because it's so traumatic and I need to be comforted, but still it manifests itself in the old "stomach growling fiercely, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" kind of hungry. I don't get it, because after such an episode, I would think that the last thing I really would be interested in is more of what caused my pain.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. My poor husband had a crappy Father's Day weekend, he got food poisoning and has been terribly sick since Thursday. I hate when someone you love is sick and you can't do anything to make it better. Poor baby....he's better today though.

Did everyone check out Joey's pictures on her blog? OMG, she looks like a model and I want both of those dresses, but I want to look like Joey does in them. Okay, enough rambling. Have a great Monday! Hugs!!!
T

BYOC

First let me tell you how much I appreciate all of your sweet and encouraging comments yesterday. It really makes a girl feel good knowing that so many people have her back emotionally and...well physically as well...knowing that Joey, Carmen and Amanda are ready to go "all kinds a street and cut someone!" LOL. You guys are really the best. Thank you.

Now on to BYOC

1. If your heart had a singing voice, whose would it be?
These questions are so hard people, just one? Probably Ethel Mermen, I know that sounds crazy, but she could belt out a tune and make you forget where you are. I think her voice suits my personality.

2. What is your most disgusting habit?
Okay, I'm a free gagger, like when I read Jess describe her tonsils I gagged uncontrollably and my eyes were watering, it was bad. I have a very vivid imagination so if someone is describing something gross, I just can't help it!

3. Carmen and Drazil were talking about Chicago and their fears...for those of you going (and those of you not you can answer as if you were going)...what is your biggest fear?
I'm not worried about meeting you guys. I'm a little worried about traveling alone and that I won't lose the weight I want to before then.

4. This isn't so much a question but a challenge. Name one thing you will do for just one day next week in the name of health and commit to it on your blog and to us.
I'll bring my lunch to work and plan better.

5. Whose blog or comment stuck with you the most this week?
All of the comments yesterday for me. I love you guys!

The chicken or the egg?

I need some patience folks! So, if you have some...send it my way. I'm going through this phase right now that makes it hard for me to live and breathe in the moment. I'm very anxious about alot of things, particularly my ex-husband and my oldest son's relationship. It is strained to say the least and I'm proud of my son for standing up for himself, but I'm a nervous wreck about it. It pains me so to see my children hurting. I'm also wanting to see some results on the weight loss front at a quicker rate. I have found that I have a great deal of tightness that comes with stress and nerves. On Monday and Tuesday, I could barely eat an ounce of food at a time and was getting stuck left and right. I was scheduled for a fill next Tuesday but canceled it, because I was scared of being too tight right before I go on a mini trip. I'm hungrier now, but I'm not as stressed, either way, I think it was right to cancel the fill.

I have learned a few things about this lap band I call Pearl. I have learned first of all that I really like her. Secondly, that it is unrealistic to think that I can loose 100 pounds and never experience hunger. Some days I'm really hungry, but some days I'm not, just like other people who control their weight without a little tool to help. I have found that if I am hungry, it is generally because I'm not eating quality protein and drinking too soon after eating. So, just like in other areas of my life, I have come to the realization that if I do what I'm supposed to do, then success will eventually come my way....imagine that. I feel hope full about reaching my weight loss goals and although I am anxious, it's because I'm excited for what the future holds for me. It's difficult to imagine that I may actually live out the next part of my life as a thin person. Sometimes when I think about that and all that it entails, I get weepy. I've talked about this before, but I lived the first half of my life as a thin person and even though I didn't get obese until adulthood, it has affected me in so many ways. I have a Rolodex of painful incidents in my head of unkind words or acts, directed at me because of my weight, not my actions or my personality, but simply because of my size. I hate that I have let these events change me. When I was a young woman I was vibrant and full of hope for my future: did I change because I got fat? or did I get fat because I changed? The old which came first the chicken or the egg conundrum.

I hope a wonderful weekend is in store for everyone. Big Hug!
T

A short summary of my vacation

These are my two crazy sons, always goofing for the camera!

This is the view from my beach chair, it doesn't get much better than that!

And this is me, Ginger (my dearest friend) and Vickie! One of the highlights of my trip, was getting to meet her and her husband John! They were so much fun and I can't wait til Chicago!

Yes, it was a great vacation, one that ended too soon and then put me in the position of playing catch up at work all week, so excuse my absence from this blog and all of yours. I read every chance I get, but will likely never get caught up. I hope everyone is doing well, I miss you guys and will be back on schedule soon.

On the weight loss front, I'm holding at 27 pounds down. I didn't really lose anything last week, but I didn't gain anything on vacation, which I suppose is good. I was scheduled for a fill next Tuesday, but postponed it, as I'm still getting stuck every once in a while and think that I am at a good level of restriction right now.

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week, I'll post again when I can. Big Hug!

T

I'm back....

I'm back from vacation, it was wonderful, I got to meet Vickie, yay! And now I'm swamped!
So, when things simmer down a little I'll post and I'll try my best to catch up. If there's anything major I missed, please let me know!
Hugs,
T

BYOC

Mod Hair Ken (above), and his groovy pad (below), where he and
Barbie hung out on the deck listening to the hi-fy!

BYOC - Friday

1. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why? That's a hard one. I love living were I do, because of the proximity to family and my dearest friends. However, I would love to have a beach house in Seaside, Florida and a cool mountain get away, because it gets really hot in my neck of the woods.

2. How old were you when you got drunk the 1st time? Like really drunk...I guess about 16 or 17. The first really memorable drunk, I had several Long Island Iced Teas and proceeded to buy cowboy boots, they were $300. and I wore them out of the store, so when I sobered up and realized I really didn't want them, I couldn't return them.

3. What was your favorite toy growing up? I guess, my Barbie dream house. It was one of the toys that I wanted so badly and when I got it, I would just play for hours on end. I loved my Mod-Hair Ken too that I got that same Christmas.

4. What is your favorite season and why? I love the fall, well in the South, fall weather really doesn't kick in until late fall early winter. But I love that first cool snap and football season and getting to build a fire. Good times.

5. Repeat question: Which blog or comment spoke to you this week and why? All of your comments about my jerky ex husband really made me feel good. You guys are the best!

Happy Friday guys, I'm going on vacation this weekend, so I hope I don't miss out on too much.

Hugs.

T

My alter ego.

I've mentioned before that Tessie is my alter ego and my stage name. This is me as Tessie and my partner in crime, Babs. This is from the Gridiron Show were we do a really cheesy lounge singer act (think the Sweeney sisters from SNL). It is one of my most favorite things to do. I love to entertain and I am proof that you are what you eat, because I used to eat a lot of HAM!




And, this is me from "The Trip to Bountiful" a wonderful play I did about 3 years ago at one of our Community Theatres. I used to do lots of shows when I was younger, but since I had kids, I've found it really hard to commit the time to a show when I have so many other obligations. There are two roles that I would be willing to commit for and this was one of them, Jessie Mae is a total Bitch and she was wonderful to play. The other role that I've long wanted to play is Nurse Ratched in "One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest." When I did this show, as you can see, I had to wear a black silky nightgown for 1/2 of the show! Talk about stressful, I was so girdled in you could bounce a quarter of my ass from 30 feet away. I ran accross these pictures when I was cleaning some files off my computer at work today. One of the things that I really want from this journey is to be able to play any role that comes my way and not feel like I couldn't pull off the part, because of my weight. I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Have a great day
and thanks again for all of the support you gave me yesterday!
Hugs,
T

Thanks for making the bo bo better!

Thanks, you guys are really the best. Your insight is invaluable and your compassion is unheard of. I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, thank you.
Big hug!
T

Long time, no post

I'm happy to report that I'm down 26 pounds. I'm finally getting used to this fill, there was a definite learning curve involved. I have to be careful, I've been stuck a few more times, but haven't PB'd. I have found that left over meat is a big no no.

It's been an exciting week in blog land, Drazil's big reveal, Amy W. getting up on a slalom ski, lots of soul searching and successes.


I'm going on vacation next week and guess who I get to meet?.....That's right Miss Vickie!
(http://thequeenbeeslapbandlife.blogspot.com/) I'm so excited!

Now, on to another note. I talked last week in my blog about not turning to food for comfort, but instead turning to people. Draz asked me if I knew what was bothering me, and I do. My ex-husband is a real turd, for lack of a better description, and he is taking me back to court some 5 years after our divorce, to reduce child support. He was a very abusive man and, I'm convinced that being mean to me and harassing me has always been his drug of choice, just like food was mine. Now, I fear that there is trouble in his current marriage and he is reverting to his old ways to comfort himself. You get the cycle. Anyway, our summer visitation is from Friday to Friday, but my vacation is Sunday to Sunday and now (although every summer before he was fine with a change) he has decided that we can only stick with what the court has set forth and he will not accept a change in the schedule. Of course I talked to him about it, before I booked and he was fine with the dates. I know this man and I know that if I take my kids and return on Sunday, that the cops will be waiting at my house when I get there (ala Jerry Freakin Springer)! So, I'm so stressed out about this. My husband gets frustrated with me, because he says that I still let the man affect me. I can't help it, I try really hard, but the man has hurt me in so many ways for a really long time. I was married to him for 17 years. I was afraid of him and spent most of my days on constant watch. I walked on egg shells, never knowing if the next thing I said was going to be the wrong thing. I am not the same woman that I was then. I know that with certainty and I live a life now that is safe and happy. I never dreamt that I could have the kind of life that I have now. I know that for the first couple of years after I left my first husband, I must have been experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, because my life with him was very much like war. My day to day maneuvers were like making my way through a mine field. When I look back on my life with him, it makes me extremely sad that I didn't care enough about myself to get out, it wasn't until he put my children in danger that I got serious and got us out of there. It makes me sad that I couldn't see how badly I was hurting my children to let them live that lifestyle too. It all makes me sad....and I hate that his bullying is having any affect on me at all. I especially hate that it has affected my current husband, who doesn't deserve to feel any of this. So, I don't know what to do, I am afraid of the way he will treat my kids when he doesn't get his way. It all just makes me sick. So, there you have it, my drama in a nutshell. I'm just waiting to here from my attorney and hopefully will find some solution.

I hope everyone has a great day, and thanks for all of your support and kindness, you mean so much to me.

Hugs,
T