Today my heart hurts. My step-son and I had an argument today. We have argued many times since we became a family. SS is the only child who lives with us full time. Although my children are with me the majority of the time, they go to their dad's house every other weekend and once a week, then in the summer they go one week with me one week with their dad, my step daughter is on a similar visitation plan. SS, however, stays with us all the time. He is 20 and I have been a part of his life for more than 6 years now. I love him, he is part of my family, and he frustrates me. We have been butting heads about things that bother both me and his dad a lot lately. Nothing really major, just things that are important to us that he thinks are stupid. This morning on the way to work, he was riding with me because his truck is broken, I let my frustration get the best of me. I told him how much it hurt my feelings that he appears to not care about me or my wishes. The discussion got heated. I cried and I yelled and I've been sick about it the whole day. I want so much for him. I see him making mistakes I made when I was young. I see him setting himself up for pain and failure. I see him setting short term goals just to get away from home, rather than goals that will get him a better position in life. I see him in pain and unable to talk to me or anyone about it. I see him look at me with contempt. And all of that makes me so sad. I can't get through to him, I've tried. I feel like he hates me.
I've blogged before about how difficult the step-child/step-mother relationship is. With your own kids, there is this level of trust, because you've always been a part of each others lives. With step kids, they come to you already wary, they have been through divorce with their parents, they test you and it takes time and great energy to get to the point where they know you care for them for real and for you to feel like family. I am a very maternal woman. I love being a mother, I think it is an integral part of who I am as a person. Mothering comes easy to me. So, I feel like a total failure in this relationship.
Today sucks. I'm sad. I'm upset, my eyes are swollen from crying. I just hate this feeling of helplessness. I have eaten poorly today in an effort to comfort myself like I used to, I know better, really I do.
I'm sorry I'm such a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
Hope your day goes well, tomorrow's Friday.