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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Sad...

Today my heart hurts. My step-son and I had an argument today. We have argued many times since we became a family. SS is the only child who lives with us full time. Although my children are with me the majority of the time, they go to their dad's house every other weekend and once a week, then in the summer they go one week with me one week with their dad, my step daughter is on a similar visitation plan. SS, however, stays with us all the time. He is 20 and I have been a part of his life for more than 6 years now. I love him, he is part of my family, and he frustrates me. We have been butting heads about things that bother both me and his dad a lot lately. Nothing really major, just things that are important to us that he thinks are stupid. This morning on the way to work, he was riding with me because his truck is broken, I let my frustration get the best of me. I told him how much it hurt my feelings that he appears to not care about me or my wishes. The discussion got heated. I cried and I yelled and I've been sick about it the whole day. I want so much for him. I see him making mistakes I made when I was young. I see him setting himself up for pain and failure. I see him setting short term goals just to get away from home, rather than goals that will get him a better position in life. I see him in pain and unable to talk to me or anyone about it. I see him look at me with contempt. And all of that makes me so sad. I can't get through to him, I've tried. I feel like he hates me.

I've blogged before about how difficult the step-child/step-mother relationship is. With your own kids, there is this level of trust, because you've always been a part of each others lives. With step kids, they come to you already wary, they have been through divorce with their parents, they test you and it takes time and great energy to get to the point where they know you care for them for real and for you to feel like family. I am a very maternal woman. I love being a mother, I think it is an integral part of who I am as a person. Mothering comes easy to me. So, I feel like a total failure in this relationship.

Today sucks. I'm sad. I'm upset, my eyes are swollen from crying. I just hate this feeling of helplessness. I have eaten poorly today in an effort to comfort myself like I used to, I know better, really I do.

I'm sorry I'm such a downer, but I just needed to get it off my chest.
Hope your day goes well, tomorrow's Friday.
Big Hugs,
T

19 comments:

Ronnie said...

I can't *strictly* relate because I'm not married - but I have dated men with children before, and it IS hard... because no matter how much time passes, they always seem to think of you as the "other woman." It's really unfortunate that your SS is taking you for granted, but it might just be the age, I'm sure when he grows up he will definitely appreciate everything you've done for him.

Robin said...

Aww... I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. {{{big hugs}}}

Gilly said...

I think the universe is off kilter. Yesterday I woke with a sense of impending doom...and things haven't started looking up yet. This too shall pass, angel. Deep breaths...and *hugs*

Barbara said...

Aww Sweetie.. I am not in your shoes, but please just read this.. the step relationship may or may not have something to do what is going on with your son.. Kids at that age really do think they have it all figured out and how can you "the parent" know better or be able to weigh in on their life decisions. It is part of the adolescent/post adolescent maturation process.. Google it.. there is a ton of research on this.. Once you understand how the post adolescent behaves you will have a clear vision as to how to react.. and to remind your self.. it is actually part of growing (I know this is not comforting right now, but I have seen similar behavior in my two girls) When they hit 24 or 25 it was amazing how bright and intuitive I became to them.. deep breaths, do some research, and understand this is normal.. hugs across the state (even with my big boobs sticking out) LOL

Justawallflower said...

This post alone shows what a loving, dedicated mother you are. I am sorry your hurting. One day he will realize that you do what you do because you love him, I just hope it doesn't take too long.

Lyla said...

I'm sorry you and SS had a bad day. It hurts when you care so much, but there's a blessing in that as well-- because you care, you will do what you need to in order to make amends. I can't imagine what it must be like to watch a adult/child make mistakes that you could help them avoid if they would only let you. But sometimes growing up means screwing up. I hope he doesn't go too far down that path.

Hugs to you!

Jacquie said...

(((hugs))) I wish i knew what to say to make you feel better. I agree with Barb about it also being the age. Hang in there and I am sure he will come around.

Cindylew said...

I'm neither a mom or a step mom but I love you and pray tomorrow is better.

Amanda said...

I have no advice but want you to know you're a very good mother. Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Rachel said...

I know you love all your kids...I'm sorry for your pain...Take one day at a time...I'm sorry you cried and felt sad though...Hugs to you.

Beth Ann said...

I'm so sorry. I have no advice to offer since this is so outside my wheelhouse, but know that I'm sending you good vibes and love you bunches!

Kristin said...

I'm sorry, darlin'. I hope things turn around for both of you. Hopefully he realizes you're upset because you care about him.

Melissa Wolf said...

Just chiming in to say that I'm a stepmom (to a stepson) too and totally relate to your situation and your pain. It is HARD. Sounds like you tried to express expectations and feelings, and keep the lines of genuine communication open...never a bad thing. Good luck resolving things with him.

~Lisa~ said...

Please take what our friend Barb has to say and look into it... I too have a twenty five year old who is only now beginning to understand what I've been saying to him the past six years.. Young adults are so tough to get through to, but know that you will get through to him in time... He will understand - in time..

(((hugggssss))) to YOU....

Dawnya said...

Tessie Rose. It's not you. He is 20 and he thinks he has it all figured out. Hell I know I thought the same thing. My entire family were a bunch of idiots. They couldn't possibly know what I knew. I had a plan...and they just couldn't get with it.

He really does love and respect you. However, at this point in his life...what you and his father has to say is irrelevant.

Listen to Barb. She is telling the truth. I remember my days of stupidity very well. This too shall pass...and your relationship with your SS will be even stronger, because he will remember how much you cared.

Lonicera said...

Theresa - Dawnya's comment sounds very wise, and it's "straight from the horse's mouth", as it were. I've only observed, never experienced, but it's obvious to me that he'll remember in time how much you cared, that you were being honest, and that you were doing your best. It's worth sticking with it, he'll understand in time.
And your lovely husband and we will support you in the meantime!
Caroline

Stephanie said...

Deep hugs to you and know that you are a great mom and that all moms struggle at times. Having a step child is just a little harder. I used to be in a serious relationship with a guy with 3 children (and this was like 12 years ago when i was still not knowing what I wanted in my own life) so I know that step parenting is not easy, but you are an awesome mom and you only want what's best. Some kids have to make their own mistakes in life and I know it's hard to see, but know you are doign all you can.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Sending you a big hug. I, myself am a step mom. It is the hardest job in the world. Being a mom is hard but being a step mom is harder. I hope everything works out and you guys can talk it over. You are a wonderful mom. Just keep it up and all you can do is try to guide your kids in the right direction.

Read said...

Holy hell I don't know how I possibly missed this (and the day before's posts of yours - I come online to check just for you - I'm so sorry!!)

So - I'm so very sorry you were sad and hope today is a better day for you!

I don't have experience with being a step mom, but I know the dynamic is just frought with tension and angst. I don't have a doubt in the world, however, that SS knows deep down you've got his back. From what you wrote - he's in the middle of a tough time of his life. He's old enough to be an adult but still young enough to need people but old enough not to want to. That sucks for him. All you can do is continue to tell him you love him, continue to tell him what's true for you (what he does that hurts your feelings or bothers you), and just continue to be there.

Parents of every flavor fight with their kids - it's the fact that we keep being there after the fights that speak the loudest. Hang tough my tender hearted friend.