Happy Wednesday guys! I hope all is going well for you. I'm glad that it's closer to Friday! Thank you for all of the concerned comments and texts about John's eye, he's doing much better!!! It was really scary and could have been so much worse. I really appreciate your concern!
Now, on to my deep thought portion of this post. I have been stuck at the same weight or going up a pound or two for months now. I was too tight, then I was just right, then I was too loose, now I'm in a pretty good place restriction wise. Yesterday, I had a really great day. My weight, as I had reported was very close to my lowest recorded weight since being banded. I felt really good about myself yesterday, I felt good in my clothes. I got several compliments yesterday at work, all was right with the world right? Until I get home and I was really hungry, I'm fixing some Mac & Cheese for my son (great choice, I know.) And I started sampling. I had probably 3 tablespoons of the Mac & Cheese and suddenly, it hit me...this overwhelming feeling of disgust with myself. I felt ashamed of my self, I felt so fat and bloated. I then got the old familiar urge to eat. I ate a cookie, then another cookie, then a glass of milk. I was punishing myself. Food has long been my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one. I got ready for bed that night and as I was washing my face, I looked in the mirror, the same reflection was there that was there that morning, the only thing that was different was my interpretation of the image. The face that I saw in the morning...was hopeful, in the evening, it....was hopeless. In the morning when I woke up, I did my morning routine, I peed, I stripped, I got on the scale, but when I did it, it was with the knowledge that I was about to be punished for my sins of the night before. I stepped on and there was no change. I stepped off, and on again...still no change from the day before. I had my coffee, I fixed lunches, I got my shower, I got back on the scale...no change. How could this be that the universe couldn't see how vile I was, how could this be that the Universe chose not to punish me? I sat on my bed. I looked on my nightstand and there was the book "Women, Food and God" I picked it up, opened it to the page I left off on before I was even banded. The chapter was about being present in the moment. Feeling what you're feeling, living in your own body. Realizing that you can trust your body to reveal the truth to you. You can feel something in your body that is the result of a thought or an emotion and that if you concentrate on your body and really center your self, you can overcome the moment. She talked about coming to terms with your personal story. Your past, no matter how tragic it is, is just a story now, it doesn't define you, it is just a story. The story that runs through your head all the time, can be stopped ...or changed. Amazing. She said that a teacher at seminar once asked a group: Imagine you're surrounded by hungry tigers....what do you do? Everyone is like...I don't know! The teacher said, " you stop imagining!" At that moment I was like, WOW, how true is that? Most of the things that cause me the most fear and anxiety are in my head. My imagination is wonderful and vibrant at times, at others...downright dangerous. No matter what I tell myself, I deserve to have a healthy body. My past is just my story. I did abuse my body, but I cannot keep punishing myself for it. It's time for me to really learn how to let go of some things. It is time for me to forgive myself. The basic belief that I cannot do this, is why I'm not doing it. "If you think you can't, you're right!" How many times have I said that to my children? It's time to start taking my own advice.