LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Deep thoughts...

Happy Wednesday guys! I hope all is going well for you. I'm glad that it's closer to Friday! Thank you for all of the concerned comments and texts about John's eye, he's doing much better!!! It was really scary and could have been so much worse. I really appreciate your concern!

Now, on to my deep thought portion of this post. I have been stuck at the same weight or going up a pound or two for months now. I was too tight, then I was just right, then I was too loose, now I'm in a pretty good place restriction wise. Yesterday, I had a really great day. My weight, as I had reported was very close to my lowest recorded weight since being banded. I felt really good about myself yesterday, I felt good in my clothes. I got several compliments yesterday at work, all was right with the world right? Until I get home and I was really hungry, I'm fixing some Mac & Cheese for my son (great choice, I know.) And I started sampling. I had probably 3 tablespoons of the Mac & Cheese and suddenly, it hit me...this overwhelming feeling of disgust with myself. I felt ashamed of my self, I felt so fat and bloated. I then got the old familiar urge to eat. I ate a cookie, then another cookie, then a glass of milk. I was punishing myself. Food has long been my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one. I got ready for bed that night and as I was washing my face, I looked in the mirror, the same reflection was there that was there that morning, the only thing that was different was my interpretation of the image. The face that I saw in the morning...was hopeful, in the evening, it....was hopeless. In the morning when I woke up, I did my morning routine, I peed, I stripped, I got on the scale, but when I did it, it was with the knowledge that I was about to be punished for my sins of the night before. I stepped on and there was no change. I stepped off, and on again...still no change from the day before. I had my coffee, I fixed lunches, I got my shower, I got back on the scale...no change. How could this be that the universe couldn't see how vile I was, how could this be that the Universe chose not to punish me? I sat on my bed. I looked on my nightstand and there was the book "Women, Food and God" I picked it up, opened it to the page I left off on before I was even banded. The chapter was about being present in the moment. Feeling what you're feeling, living in your own body. Realizing that you can trust your body to reveal the truth to you. You can feel something in your body that is the result of a thought or an emotion and that if you concentrate on your body and really center your self, you can overcome the moment. She talked about coming to terms with your personal story. Your past, no matter how tragic it is, is just a story now, it doesn't define you, it is just a story. The story that runs through your head all the time, can be stopped ...or changed. Amazing. She said that a teacher at seminar once asked a group: Imagine you're surrounded by hungry tigers....what do you do? Everyone is like...I don't know! The teacher said, " you stop imagining!" At that moment I was like, WOW, how true is that? Most of the things that cause me the most fear and anxiety are in my head. My imagination is wonderful and vibrant at times, at others...downright dangerous. No matter what I tell myself, I deserve to have a healthy body. My past is just my story. I did abuse my body, but I cannot keep punishing myself for it. It's time for me to really learn how to let go of some things. It is time for me to forgive myself. The basic belief that I cannot do this, is why I'm not doing it. "If you think you can't, you're right!" How many times have I said that to my children? It's time to start taking my own advice.

Big Hugs!
T

17 comments:

Stephanie said...

What an amazing post from an equally amazing woman. I know that so often I beat myself up over things that I said or did in my past, I stress and when I stress, i do things that aren't good for me, only furthering a vicious cycle of mental self-flagelation (sp?). We need not be held captive by our fears, be it failure or our pasts. We DO deserve more and I thank you for reminding me today that I am worth my life. Hugs to you!!!

JRD said...

Thank you for this, TR...The idea that our bodies could be wise enough to show us the way is a concept so foreign to most of us, we can't even imagine a world in which it is true. It demands trust from us. And when we are able to do this, it really rewards us!! I am SO proud of you for being able to identify this - what a light bulb moment!!! Yay Tessie Rose!

Angela said...

AMEN!!!! I have that book and have not even opened it. You have inspired me to do so...and Yes you do deserve a healthy body and an amazing life!

Amanda Kiska said...

I've been there! I swear we are our own worst enemy sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I've been convinced I am going to see a gain because of some sort of perceived "slip" and then I get on the scale and see that I'm fine. Crazy!

vickyd said...

That is so true. I've had a few lightbulb moments lately and this is one of them. I've heard several people talk about that book...I definately think I need to read it!

Kristin50 said...

Awesome Post! Thank you for bringing this to light. We are our own worst critics and we beat ourselves up needlessly at times.

You truly are amazing!

Ronnie said...

This is a great post, you are doing great, and three tablespoons of mac 'n cheese isn't as bad compared to what you might have eaten before being banded. Myself? I would have eaten the whole box. Now I'm like you, I eat 2-3 tablespoons and am good. No guilt needed. :)

You are not hopeless, you're amazing!

dede said...

Thanks for the post, it really did open up alot of thoughts in this old brain! I think I'll get that book...but posts like this are more valuble than anything else! Thanks again!
dede

Cece said...

Yes, forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself .. you deserve kindness !

Robyn's Nest said...

Great post and great 'food' for thought

Andrea said...

Love this post! The biggest part of our weight loss journey is the games we play in our head! We have to believe we can do it and stay positive as much as possible!

~Lisa~ said...

Terrific post - thank you for the lift I truly needed today - more than you can imagine..

You're the BEST!

Amanda said...

What a fantastic post! It seems like every other day I battle with these feelings. One day I am great and I live it and then the next I am bashing myself for eating a freaking 1/2 cup of ice cream! 10 years ago it would have been the whole pint!

I need to look into that book!

MandaPanda said...

Fantastic post! So many good thoughts and advice in this one that I have nothing to add. Well done.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I need to get that book! How interesting that I torture myself just like you do.

Read said...

I'm so bad at listening to the emotions in my body - our counselor keeps telling me the same thing. Sit, Camela, and listen. What are you feeling and where are you feeling it. It's just such an amazing thing... that our bodies are there for us - ready to help us through just about anything. You are so amazing and full of grace - I just couldn't love you any more than I already do! (and I just ordered that book - I needed to read this today)

Stephanie M. said...

Wow can I relate! It sucks sometimes, this eating disorder thing. I'm reading "Naturally Thin" by Bethenny Frankel and she writes a lot about getting rid of the guilt and bad feelings associated with eating. Food is food. It's not there to make you feel bad about yourself. (This is something I'm trying hard to learn too.)