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Thursday, October 20, 2011

More deep thought...

Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of the day I left my ex husband. I have spent some time reflecting on that time in my life lately. The day that I left him, was a terrible day indeed. I had made up my mind in August that I was going to leave, but it took me until October to get my nerve and to get my ducks in a row. I was afraid. I was afraid of him, he was abusive and manipulative and very unpredictable. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that I couldn't take care of myself and my children. I was afraid of what was going to happen to me and the boys when he realized that I was serious. I was afraid to leave but I was more afraid to stay. I didn't want to be hurt anymore, I didn't want him to hurt my kids. I didn't want my kids to think that is what love was. I spent most of my days...afraid. It's a terrible way to live. I often wonder now, how I lost myself. It was a very slow process, but the end result was me going from day to day in a fog, not really feeling things, just eating my way through the bad feelings and hoping that one day things would get better or that one day, I might find the nerve and the energy to leave him.

When I reflect on that time and the woman that I was, I'm overcome with regret at times for the way I allowed myself to be treated and regret for the time I lost. I am also overcome with gratitude for the life that I have now. On that day in 2004, if you had told me that in just a few years I would be living like I am now, I would not have believed it. I never thought that I would be able to find love again, I didn't think I could take care of myself and my kids, I didn't think I'd be able to feel safe and secure and happy. But I do! Back then, I believed that it was all my fault and that I was broken, I believed that in some way, I deserved to be mistreated, it was Karma. I did not see my own worth let alone my own strength.

So many things happened in the years after that day...slowly, but surely I began to piece my life back together, to gain some control again. I had used my fat as my armor, it protected me from the outside, and it kept me "real" (in my mind, it kept me faithful to the life I had chosen for myself.) It wasn't just that I was fat, I had lost my softness, my femininity, I no longer looked like the woman I had been, I no longer really cared. But, slowly, as I started to feel again, I started to heal. And, I started to reevaluate some things in my life. For one, my weight, my health, my harshness. As I healed, I learned to love again, I learned to trust again...I found out that it was okay to be soft, that my fragility would be safe in the hands of others. I found a man, who loved me as I was, he saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He reminded me daily that he loved me and that I was safe, he supported me in all endeavors and he continues to be by my side in my lap band journey and my life journey. He does this even though he knows just how crazy I am.

I believe in fate, I believe that things happen for a reason. My life before was what brought me to the life I have now, so I cannot begrudge it. My ex husband gave me two beautiful children, I would never want to change that. Had I gotten out of my marriage years before, I might have missed out on being in the right place at the right time to meet the love of my life. I would certainly never want to change that! And, living as a fat woman, coming to the end of my proverbial rope, well that brought me to the lap band, which in turn brought me to an incredible source of love and support in this area of my life. I am forever grateful for that.

There are times when my life feels busy and out of control, times when I fall back on old habits, I try to solve a problem that is not hunger related with food (old habits), times when I berate myself for having eaten out of boredom, hurt or frustration. There are times when I look a picture of myself from seven years ago and I feel a wave of shame and hurt all over again, but then I realize that it was all just a part of my journey. It is part of who I am, without it, I wouldn't have what I have today, so, even though it is hard to look at the old me, it is something I need to remember, something that I can't begrudge. I can't appreciate how far I've come unless I look at where I've been.




On that note, I'll leave you with a pic of me from 2004 and one of me from BOOBS this year. It's good to look back but it's even better to look forward, and focus on the future. Have a wonderful weekend!
Big Hugs!
T

20 comments:

Ronnie said...

Beautiful. Thanks for posting, you never truly know who's life this might touch with your honesty. :)

Lucy said...

I'm so happy for you and the life you now have.

Justawallflower said...

Wow, what a way to see the positive in every situation. I have often had similar discussions with my husband about how our past has brought us to where we are now, and how we would easily go through that again to get to where we are. You put it so beautifully. I'm sorry you had to go through the hurt to get to where you are, but so happy for the life you now get to live with the man you love!

MandaPanda said...

First, what an amazing transformation! Not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. You are such a strong woman to have taken control of all aspects of your life and come out successfully. I salute you.

Amanda said...

You've come a long way baby! Just think what a great influence you are on your kids!! Thanks for being a light for them and for other women who might be in the same place you were in 2004!

Ms. M said...

You know you're my inspiration. Someday I will get the courage & be ready to do what you have done. And I tell myself every day that I can't regret the life I have because of the good I would miss along the way. I'm so happy for the life you have now. It gives me hope. :)

~Lisa~ said...

Beautiful post, from a beautiful Lady - thank you for sharing your insight and inspiration with us.. You have transformed yourself on so many levels

Dawnya said...

You are truly a survivor!! You have come so far. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for finding you.

I'm not sure who that lady on the left is...but the lady on the right is my beautiful, sassy Tessie Rose. I love ya!!

Jacquie said...

Wow T....what a wonderful post. In the words of a cigarette commericail "you have come a long way baby" and you should be so proud of all you have accomplished.

ps...you look so much younger today than you did in 2004!

Lonicera said...

Theresa you've got a book inside you struggling to get out, and I hope it does one day.
Caroline

Cindylew said...

I am so proud of you and everything you've accomplished.
You inspire us all.
I love you cupcake.

speck said...

Thanks for sharing this and I love your honesty.

I believe things happen for a reason and at the time they need to happen.(we are being prepared)

You are a strong woman.

Bonnie said...

Tears came to my eyes when I read this. You are an inspiration in so many ways. It's so great that you don't spend resenting the past, but realize it got you to where you are today. XO

Kristin50 said...

Tessie I knew you were special, I just have realized how truly special indeed. You have courage and resolve and that has gotten you through many tough times. The lessons were learned and not easily.

You are an amazing woman and your story and journey shared so openly and with such dignity and honesty will certainly help other women who find themselves in a similar situation to also dig down deep and find their own inner strength.

We all make choices in life, whether it be to stay or remain where we are in our lives. Yes, they are choices. I am thrilled to say that the woman on the left makes up the woman on the right. You will never lose sight of her, for she is the beautiful woman that you have become. Like a butterfly exits their cocoon. You did just that 7 years ago!

I love you!

Sandy Lee said...

I am so glad you had the guts to do what you did those 7 years ago. And I believe in some sort of fate. We never know that the path we choose will lead to good or bad. I'm glad your path led to the happiness we all see today.

Stephanie said...

You are such a strong woman, Theresa, and I am honored to know you. I can understand where you were in your life, as it sounds very, very similar to what my mom went through in her marriage. Her life is infinitely happier now that she found her true love and I am SO happy that you have found the happiness you deserve in your life. Big hugs to you, Tessie. You are amazing!

trisha said...

thanks for sharing such emotions with us Theresa...i think many people care relate with what you've been through, and it's good to know there's others out there that feel/felt the same way....

trisha said...

care=can* !

Catherine55 said...

You are amazing and inspiring. I am so glad that you posted this -- and congratulations on how incredibly far you have come in every way! Those pictures only tell part of the story, but they do it beautifully! :)

Read said...

I'm so glad the journey you had to take led you to the life you have now. I love you with all of me!!