I just read Gilly's post and it struck a nerve with me. She was talking with a friend about alcoholism and how she knows she's not an alcoholic, because even though she loves wine, it doesn't control her, but food does. I can totally identify with that statement as well and it caused me to do some soul searching, if you will, about my relationship with food.
First of all, there is a lot of addiction in my family, both of my parents had siblings who were alcoholics, my niece is currently in rehab, many of my first cousins are alcoholics and my sister and I both have food addiction issues. About 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that my eating was not normal. I guess, in some way I had always known that, but my weight had always been pretty normal. My sister was the heavy one, I was the skinny one...funny how things change!! Anyway, I knew that my friends didn't feel about food the way I did. They didn't obsess over foods like I did and I never knew them to hide food and eat in secret. This was big for me, it still is. I started to eat for comfort when I was a young girl and my Mom was very sick. I remember visiting her at the hospital and having trouble concentrating on anything else but the vending machine downstairs. The summer after Dad died, I was 14, my Mom had died the year before and I was home alone most of the day. That is when I really started to binge for comfort and control. I was alone with my food, I loved to eat large quantities of food, when no one could find out about it. These behaviors stuck with me through high school, college and ultimately lead me to obesity and the lap band. When I got my lap band, the quantity of food was limited for me, my hunger levels were better, I was doing pretty well. I was still going to therapy and actively working on my issues with food. The first year flew by and somehow, I managed to lose 61 pounds. When I think about it,I'm still amazed. I've been able to keep this weight off, although I bounce up and down 2 to 3 pounds depending on the day. I have 30 to 40 pounds left to lose (I'm not certain yet) and I want to lose them. But, it's obvious that I don't want to lose them bad enough to alter my behavior and do what I need to do to get there. I've been taking my own sweet time and mourning the fact that I can't binge anymore. Some days, I can binge, well not a full on binge, but a lapbander's binge and some days I do it. I'm not proud of that, at all. I have a great deal of shame when it comes to my relationship with food. That is something I need to work on. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving on with the next phase of my weight loss. I do know that I'm afraid that I can't do it. And, I'm afraid to be thin. Right now, I'm pretty comfortable, I am not the biggest person in the room like I used to be. I can shop in normal stores. I can fit in chairs comfortably. I don't always feel like people are judging me and making fun of me. I feel physically so much better than I did before. But I know that I can feel even better. I want to lose 20 pounds before Mardi Gras, I have a dress that my sister gave me that I want to wear to the cocktail party, I have almost 3 months to do it. I used to be unfazed by the thought of losing 30 pounds in 3 months, let alone 20. But I haven't lost an ounce in 6 months. My fill level is good, not too tight, not too loose. It's my head that is not right. How can I get my head in it at this stage of the game? Anyone? I'm getting on my own nerves with this bullshit. I keep talking and not doing! Ugh! I know what I need to do. I just don't do it! I'm trying to be honest with myself, that's a step in the right direction, I hope!
I hope you all have a great Monday and a wonderful week ahead!