I just read Gilly's post and it struck a nerve with me. She was talking with a friend about alcoholism and how she knows she's not an alcoholic, because even though she loves wine, it doesn't control her, but food does. I can totally identify with that statement as well and it caused me to do some soul searching, if you will, about my relationship with food.
First of all, there is a lot of addiction in my family, both of my parents had siblings who were alcoholics, my niece is currently in rehab, many of my first cousins are alcoholics and my sister and I both have food addiction issues. About 30 years ago, I came to the conclusion that my eating was not normal. I guess, in some way I had always known that, but my weight had always been pretty normal. My sister was the heavy one, I was the skinny one...funny how things change!! Anyway, I knew that my friends didn't feel about food the way I did. They didn't obsess over foods like I did and I never knew them to hide food and eat in secret. This was big for me, it still is. I started to eat for comfort when I was a young girl and my Mom was very sick. I remember visiting her at the hospital and having trouble concentrating on anything else but the vending machine downstairs. The summer after Dad died, I was 14, my Mom had died the year before and I was home alone most of the day. That is when I really started to binge for comfort and control. I was alone with my food, I loved to eat large quantities of food, when no one could find out about it. These behaviors stuck with me through high school, college and ultimately lead me to obesity and the lap band. When I got my lap band, the quantity of food was limited for me, my hunger levels were better, I was doing pretty well. I was still going to therapy and actively working on my issues with food. The first year flew by and somehow, I managed to lose 61 pounds. When I think about it,I'm still amazed. I've been able to keep this weight off, although I bounce up and down 2 to 3 pounds depending on the day. I have 30 to 40 pounds left to lose (I'm not certain yet) and I want to lose them. But, it's obvious that I don't want to lose them bad enough to alter my behavior and do what I need to do to get there. I've been taking my own sweet time and mourning the fact that I can't binge anymore. Some days, I can binge, well not a full on binge, but a lapbander's binge and some days I do it. I'm not proud of that, at all. I have a great deal of shame when it comes to my relationship with food. That is something I need to work on. I can't change the past, but I can change the future. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble moving on with the next phase of my weight loss. I do know that I'm afraid that I can't do it. And, I'm afraid to be thin. Right now, I'm pretty comfortable, I am not the biggest person in the room like I used to be. I can shop in normal stores. I can fit in chairs comfortably. I don't always feel like people are judging me and making fun of me. I feel physically so much better than I did before. But I know that I can feel even better. I want to lose 20 pounds before Mardi Gras, I have a dress that my sister gave me that I want to wear to the cocktail party, I have almost 3 months to do it. I used to be unfazed by the thought of losing 30 pounds in 3 months, let alone 20. But I haven't lost an ounce in 6 months. My fill level is good, not too tight, not too loose. It's my head that is not right. How can I get my head in it at this stage of the game? Anyone? I'm getting on my own nerves with this bullshit. I keep talking and not doing! Ugh! I know what I need to do. I just don't do it! I'm trying to be honest with myself, that's a step in the right direction, I hope!
I hope you all have a great Monday and a wonderful week ahead!
Big Hugs,
T
11 comments:
Wow, I could have written this blog. I don't know the answers but i do know that we cannot give up. I'm 96 lbs down and have been plateauing for over a year. Yeah, I'm stopping myself too, if you ever figure out the answer to that dilemma, let me know! But, every single day, we just have to try again, keep working on it, eventually I have to believe we will find the answer.
I'm with you also sista....I hope there's an answer..
XO
I so could have written this. No wonder I <3 you so much, we are really so much alike!
I feel the exact same way, I hope I can do it too.
I'm right there with you. I know what to do. I just can't make myself change or do it! Like right now, I'm sitting here thinking about excuses to not go to the gym and run. WTF?!
I've finally decided that I just have to do it. I need to get addicted to exercise! Not anything else that's unhealthy....ie food, beer, smokes.
Sometimes I just really want to shut off that part of my brain that likes to play those dirty little games of not wanting to do the right thing. Grrrrr.
I have no magic wand but want to acknowledge your honesty and willingness to take that good long hard look at yourself ... great first steps. Oh wait, loosing 60+ lbs is the great first step.
Your post touched my heart. We all have something deep down inside of us that allowed us to get obese. The lapband can only take us so far. The rest we have to figure out ourselves and that is hard.
I know I find myself stuffing down food to push something down inside of me. Sometimes I win; sometimes the need wins. I guess the goal is for us to win more often.
If you find someone with good advice, please let me know. I also have 30 lbs to go and it's been very difficult getting my head back in the game. Are we self sabotaging ourselves? And why would we do this? All good questions.
I think that understanding what is holding you back is the first step in dealing with it. Most of us have issues with finding comfort in food - it's what got us to the point of needing WLS in the first place. The trick is figuring out how to deal with these emotions without running to food - sometimes I think I have a good grasp on it and other times not so much.
You've already come so far and I know you can do this!!!
I'm struggling with my addiction to smoking and trying to end that unhealthy relationship (11 days without one) so what am i doing instead? Stuffing myface with Reeses peanut butter cups. It sucks and although I KNOW what I need to do, I'm not. I wish I knew the answers to give to you, but since I don't have them, all I can offer you is my love and support and a big, huge virtual hug!!!
You are in my brain! I am in the same spot. Afraid to be thin. That seems crazy doesn't it? I'm just like you .. I can shop in normal stores, I can sit in seats comfortably, I don't feel like people are judging me when they see me. But I'm not where I should be with my weight. I lost 107lbs and then gained 15. Now I'm fighting to get rid of those 15 and finish off the last 24 I needed to go when I was down 107 (That seems like a lot of math!). Right now as it stands, I'm down 96 and have 35 to go. I am trying my damnedest to get there by February 29th.
Every time you think about eating something you shouldn't, think about all of us cheering you on to make the right choice. We can do this. Our addiction will not beat us. We are stronger than that!
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