I have issues people. I have this reel of tape that plays in my head at all times. Sometimes the reel is the good one, the one that plays the story of me being in control, feeling strong, and it gives me positive, life affirming tidbits to get me through the day. But sometimes the reel is bad, and if it's mixed with a dash or two of hormonal imbalance, it can really suck. It's the reel that holds details from every time I've been hurt or embarrassed or rejected because of my fat, it's the one that tells me that I'm not good enough. It feeds my insecurity. It's what keeps me grounded, but also keeps me stuck.
In my mind I know that I have changed, on the outside and on the inside to some degree. I know that I have made progress, that I'm not as big as I used to be. I know these things, but some days, I just feel like the biggest me. I don't know if I will ever not feel fat. Some days I feel good, and pretty normal, but I'm always aware of my fat. When I sit down, I'm aware of my butt and thighs. When I lay down, I feel the fat on my back, when I bend over, I feel the fat on my sides. When I was at my heaviest, my fat was so much bigger, so much more, but it was well integrated into my being, I didn't really have much hope of not being fat, I had tried too many times. When I was at my heaviest, my feelings got hurt when someone made a comment about my weight, or when I could tell that people were staring at me, I could feel the sting on my face, but rarely did it result in that full on ache in my chest, those times happened, but not frequently. Maybe it's because as soon as I felt that type of rejection or embarrassment, I turned to food and made it all better.
This weekend I tried really hard to eat well and I did, but I also had the hormonal clamp down of my band, I got stuck and sick a bunch this weekend, I can't help it, when that happens, I feel sorry for myself, I feel vulnerable and exposed. I don't like it and I don't deal with it well, when I'm feeling that way, the reel of tape in my head is never the nice one. This weekend, I wore my heart on my sleeve, I don't like it when I'm feeling that way. The thing about having your feelings hurt is that, it really doesn't matter if it's intentional or even if it's imagined, it hurts all the same. I don't like it when I'm supper sensitive to what others say or think, that's not how I generally am. It's really hard when I'm forced to look at myself in an honest way and come to grips with the fact that I can't blame anyone for my unhappiness, I can't blame anyone for me not getting the rest of this weight off, I can't blame anyone for hurting my feelings. I'm the only one who can make me feel better about my weight, I'm the only one who can move forward and start losing again. I don't like facing the truth, and I don't like knowing that I am the only one to blame.
I am feeling better, probably since I just got all that off my chest. I have much to be thankful for . I need to spend a little time looking through my windshield instead of looking in the rear view.
And Happy Thanksgiving!