Wednesday, September 28, 2011
See you on the flip side.
Monday, September 26, 2011
I'll be leaving for Chicago early on Thursday. I have so much work to get done before. I'm a nervous traveler, so...well...I'm nervous. And of course, I don't know what to bring, clothing wise. I really only got cold one time last year and that was on the boat for the Architectural Tour. I'm doing the walking tour on Friday, and Maria said to bring comfy shoes. Here's the dilemma with that. I hate having to pack sneakers, because they take up so much room. But if I have to be walking, I guess I need to be comfy! I'm excited, even though I'm nervous. I can't wait to see my old pals and meet some new ones!
Friday, September 23, 2011
1. If you were a character on Friends, who would you be and why? Probably a little bit of several: Monica, because, well I have control issues, especially with my household chores and cooking, Chandler, because I'm pretty quick witted and see things differently, Phoebe, because...I can be really ditsy sometimes and Ross and Joey...because I'm a geek who happens to be super cool! LOL! Not Rachel though.
2. If you weren't in your current career what other career do you think you would have done?
I'd like to be an actress.
3. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 6? A movie star!
4. Do you think everyone only has one soul mate or true love? No, I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, that we are with them and love them when we are supposed to and then , we move on and love others. I believe that there are many opportunities for our souls to find a mate and for our souls to be nurtured. I have several of those people in my life.
5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land. Blog land is buzzing with excitement as we get ready for Chicago! Real life is busy, it's homecoming week for my kids, we've had lots of preparation to get ready, parade, pep rally, tonight is the game and the dance is tomorrow. I'm excited about Chicago, but I'm a little bit of a reluctant traveler. So, I'm having my usual pre-trip anxiety when I travel alone. Other than that, I'm really excited to be going and to see everyone! Tomorrow is the 6th anniversary of Hurricane Rita, I've been thinking a great deal about how much my life has changed since then. I feel like I've been with my husband forever, we weren't even dating when Rita came. My boys and I had left my ex-husband a year before Rita, but we were still in the throws of nasty divorce proceedings. It was a time when I was so unsure of myself and I was faced with one of the biggest messes of my life. My boys and I lived in a tiny travel trailer for 15 months, we learned how to do without many things, we learned how important family is and how unimportant possessions can be. In the course of rebuilding my home, I rebuilt my life as well, I fell in love with the man who had become my best friend, I found strength, I found the blessing of true friendship and I found a new family. The last 6 years have been wonderful, not free of troubles and stress, we flooded again 2 years after Rita, but wonderful none the less. I'm so grateful for all the many blessings in my life. I'll leave you with a few pictures of my home one week after Hurricane Rita. I was staying with my boys in Houston and they allowed us to come into town for a "look and leave" day. I remember driving into town and feeling like it just wasn't real.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Here's the story of some lovely ladies
who where traveling to Chicago on their own,
all of them, young and old got together
and met for BOOBS; just girls!
Here's the story, of these lovely ladies
who were busy losing way more than a ton
they were banded and blogging all together
no they were not alone
Then the one day in Chicago, it came together
and we knew that it was much more than a hunch
All these girls had now become a family
That's the way we all became the BOOBIES bunch,
The BOOBIES bunch!
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Now on to more deep thoughts. I've been struggling with some old demons. The desire to binge is overwhelming sometimes, especially when I'm under stress or feeling sad. I've got a lot going on right now with my kids and my ex husband is being a turd, I don't like to talk to him at all and when I have to, it makes me uneasy. So...here I am battling the desire to overeat and battling the desire to berate myself for wanting to overeat...just the usual vicious circle.
I've been reading "Women Food and God" and have been so struck by some of the passages, it's as if she's talking just to me. I find it so funny, since I've had the book for ages and tried reading it but just couldn't before. I suppose I just wasn't ready. I want to share a couple of things that I read today that really spoke to me, in one section the author is talking about a retreat student who despised her thighs. She spent years obsessing about her thighs, hating them, thinking she could never be happy with her body as long as she had those thighs, so she had liposuction and this is what she said one year later at a retreat:"It is devastating to realize that I paid all that money and no one, not my husband or my sister or me --can tell the difference between my thighs now and my thighs then. They don't seem to care, no less notice, that my thighs have less cellulite. I didn't want to go through life hating my thighs and now we've spent half our savings on the operation and I still can't stand my thighs." The author goes on to say: "I tell her that I have never met anyone for whom years of rejection and hatred suddenly and miraculously turned to love, even after a face-lift, LAP-BAND surgery, liposuction. When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate it. Change happens not by hatred but by love. Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest. When you begin to inhabit your body from the inside, when you stop looking at it through, as my friend Mary Jane Ryan says, "bank camera eyes," any other option except taking care of it is unthinkable. No matter how much you loathe yourself or believe life would be better if your thighs were thinner or your hips were narrower or your eyes were wider apart, your essence---that which makes you you---needs your body to articulate its vision, its needs, its love. Inhaling your child's baby-powder neck perfume requires flesh, nose, senses. Presence, enlightenment, insight are only possible because there is a body in which they unfold. In The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold, when the murdered narrator, Susie, wants to kiss her boyfriend, she slips into her friend's body to feel the warmth of lips on lips--as if having a body was heaven itself."
Wow, I needed to read that today. I've spent so much of my life cursing the most precious gift, this body of mine. I've mistreated it, I've mocked it. I want and need to learn how to be one with my body. I need to be less cerebral and more guttural.
I hope you all have a great day...and that I didn't pile it on too heavy.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Singing Karaoke with friends.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Now, on to my deep thought portion of this post. I have been stuck at the same weight or going up a pound or two for months now. I was too tight, then I was just right, then I was too loose, now I'm in a pretty good place restriction wise. Yesterday, I had a really great day. My weight, as I had reported was very close to my lowest recorded weight since being banded. I felt really good about myself yesterday, I felt good in my clothes. I got several compliments yesterday at work, all was right with the world right? Until I get home and I was really hungry, I'm fixing some Mac & Cheese for my son (great choice, I know.) And I started sampling. I had probably 3 tablespoons of the Mac & Cheese and suddenly, it hit me...this overwhelming feeling of disgust with myself. I felt ashamed of my self, I felt so fat and bloated. I then got the old familiar urge to eat. I ate a cookie, then another cookie, then a glass of milk. I was punishing myself. Food has long been my best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one. I got ready for bed that night and as I was washing my face, I looked in the mirror, the same reflection was there that was there that morning, the only thing that was different was my interpretation of the image. The face that I saw in the morning...was hopeful, in the evening, it....was hopeless. In the morning when I woke up, I did my morning routine, I peed, I stripped, I got on the scale, but when I did it, it was with the knowledge that I was about to be punished for my sins of the night before. I stepped on and there was no change. I stepped off, and on again...still no change from the day before. I had my coffee, I fixed lunches, I got my shower, I got back on the scale...no change. How could this be that the universe couldn't see how vile I was, how could this be that the Universe chose not to punish me? I sat on my bed. I looked on my nightstand and there was the book "Women, Food and God" I picked it up, opened it to the page I left off on before I was even banded. The chapter was about being present in the moment. Feeling what you're feeling, living in your own body. Realizing that you can trust your body to reveal the truth to you. You can feel something in your body that is the result of a thought or an emotion and that if you concentrate on your body and really center your self, you can overcome the moment. She talked about coming to terms with your personal story. Your past, no matter how tragic it is, is just a story now, it doesn't define you, it is just a story. The story that runs through your head all the time, can be stopped ...or changed. Amazing. She said that a teacher at seminar once asked a group: Imagine you're surrounded by hungry tigers....what do you do? Everyone is like...I don't know! The teacher said, " you stop imagining!" At that moment I was like, WOW, how true is that? Most of the things that cause me the most fear and anxiety are in my head. My imagination is wonderful and vibrant at times, at others...downright dangerous. No matter what I tell myself, I deserve to have a healthy body. My past is just my story. I did abuse my body, but I cannot keep punishing myself for it. It's time for me to really learn how to let go of some things. It is time for me to forgive myself. The basic belief that I cannot do this, is why I'm not doing it. "If you think you can't, you're right!" How many times have I said that to my children? It's time to start taking my own advice.
Monday, September 12, 2011
In other news my boys got home Sunday, they were with their dad from Wednesday through Sunday, it makes for a long weekend when they are away. They went alligator hunting this weekend and I thought I'd share a couple of pictures, so you can compare us to "Swamp People" on TV! DISCLAIMER for those not raised in the South: Just so you know, Alligators are plentiful and a nuissance. Just about every part of the gator gets used, the hide, the meat, even the skull, teeth and claws (for lovely souvenirs!)
On the band front. My restriction is still good, but not too tight. Today I'm hungry, but I swear I think work just makes me hungry. I weighed this morning and even after a weekend of party food and wine, I'm just 1.5 over my lowest of 205. I feel pretty confident that the 1.5 will soon be gone too and I can move into uncharted waters....Oh onderland, why must you elude me?
I hope you all have a great day, Chicago is right around the corner, I can't wait. Just a word to those going for the first time. Dont' stress about a dress for Saturday night, there will be some of everything, some people (Joey) will look like runway models. I'm wearing a dress I already have, you are going to have fun no matter what you're wearing and I promise, there will be some people dressier than you and some people more casual than you! Just be ready to enjoy! Can't wait!!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Now on to the fill. I was really stressing about how much to ask for. So after taking into consideration what all of you said and my Dr. and nurse's opinions, I ended up getting 3/4 of .5 cc's put back in. When I got on the table and we started talking about it, I explained how surprised I was that taking out just .5 cc's had made such a difference and I was starving and able to eat my shoe if I wanted to. The nurse said, it's so fickle, you might get the whole .5 back in and still be loose, it's like when they take fluid out, the band settles in a different place or something. So, I was going to get 1/2 of the 1/2 back in and at the last minute asked for a "sparrow's fart" more (to quote Amy W.) So, I got it. I drank my water, I could definitely feel a difference there, but went home, stuck to liquids and mushies and noticed a huge difference in my hunger levels. My history with fills though, is that I always have a delayed reaction to them. The nurse and I were talking about it, she said she always tells patients that getting a fill is like getting a new pair of shoes, you try them on they fit great, so you decide to wear them out of the store and half way around the mall, you realize you should have broken them in slowly. I thought that was a great analogy. I've definitely been there with a fill and ate too much too quickly after a fill and paid the price later. I still think that getting the unfill was the right thing to do, although there have been moments that I felt regret. I'm hoping that this will put me on track. I hate that fills are expensive for me, and wish that they were more affordable. I think there would be better success with the band if adjustments were included in the price.
Tina at "Losing It" asked an interesting questions about where I carry my weight and how that affects the band. The last fill I had was a year ago and it was 1 cc, I only have 3.5cc's in a 10cc band, but until recently when I got really tight and got some out, I'd been pretty stable. I do carry the majority of my weight in my butt, hips and thighs and never really thought about how much your band might change on it's own with weight gain and loss if you carry your weight in the mid section. Very interesting point, I'd like to know what others think about that concept as well. Discuss.
I can't believe it's already Wednesday! Tonight is the back to school night at my Son's school, and I'm not looking forward to that, although this is one of the first times that I have not been stressed about sitting in a desk at school, so...that's a good thing.
I hope you all have a great day!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Big Hugs and Happy Labor Day!