Monday, October 31, 2011
On the band front, I'm just not really motivated lately to be particularly good. I can't tell you how many compliments I keep getting from people, telling me that they can really tell I've lost more since they've seen me last, which is crazy, I haven't lost any weight months. In fact, I'm waffling back and forth with 2 pounds up and down on a regular basis. I just don't get it. I really want to get motivated. I keep thinking, well... now that I've acclimated to this weight, I'll start to really get my groove back. It's true, I'm starting to feel like this is the new heavy me, I can't really remember what it felt like to be as heavy as I was. I feel good right now, but I'm starting to feel like my gut is huge and my muffin top is very visible, so maybe that's a good sign right? I don't want to get too comfortable. I do want to get the rest of my weight off, and let's face it, my skin has had more than enough time to adjust. So...hello...body...brain...band....it's okay, you can do your thing now!
Thank you all for the kind comments and prayers about my last post. It's been a really rough week for my kids and their school. I really appreciate your support.
Hope you all have a great week!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I am on Facebook. My children are on Facebook. I got on, because I wanted to see what my kids were up to and to keep tabs on them. I'm amazed daily by the things that young people particularly (but often older people too) will post. Cruel things, obscene things...as if their words have no affect. I know that things are different today then they were when I was a young. When I was growing up, if you wanted to say something to someone, you called them on the phone, or you talked to them in person, or you wrote a note and passed it in school. When you speak to someone face to face, it's so much more real. These children text each other and they say things that they would not say to someone's face. It is all quite disturbing. I cannot believe that these bullies could not see what they were doing to this girl. The outpouring of love and support for this girl has been overwhelming, how sad that it has come too late. How sad that all of these words, these acts of kindness can't change what has already happened.
As our children get bigger so does the scope of their problems, they are no longer wrapped in the innocence of youth. It is so sad indeed. Hug your children extra tight today and let them know how special they are.
Monday, October 24, 2011
First of all, thank you for all of your wonderful supportive comments about my last post. I'm amazed at the friendships that have developed through this blog and because of my lap band experience. It means so much to me that you get me. Thank you, thank you!
Secondly, I had a wonderful time at my class reunion. It was great to see people that I have not seen in 30 years. On Friday night we went to the football game together and then out to a little hole in the wall, restaurant / bar. We hung out, got reacquainted with those we hadn't seen in a while and we sang karaoke. It was really fun.
Saturday night we had a get together at a local club, we had a decent turn out, not a ton of people but a good turn out. It was really fun, we were able to catch up, find out what people have been up to and we just hung out. My friend Christy picked me up, so I didn't even have to worry about not drinking, or getting a cab. Great night. Some of you might remember Christy, I talked about her on my blog, and she even blogged (briefly). Christy and I have so much in common, we graduated high school together, we both were thin in high school, we both married men who treated us badly, had two children with said bad men and we both gained a ton of weight, we both also lost a ton of weight many times, only to gain it back. Christy and I were not great friends in high school, we didn't hang out, but she was always very sweet to me and I think we always considered one another friends. Later in life we were neighbors and we did lots of things together, always running in the same crowd. Christy and I both divorced and then married wonderful hard working men, who love us and only want us to be happy. When I got the lap band, Christy was at the end of her rope (can we all identify) and I went with her to my surgeon's seminar about WLS. She decided to get Gastric Bypass and...wow, she's one year out and down 100.4 pounds. The transformation is unbelievable. I know that the lap band was the right choice for me, but to see Christy do so well, so quickly, kind of makes me wonder a little. Then, I realize, I'm doing fine, the stop in my weight loss is a result of my choices, not the lap band not doing it's job. I want to get to my goal, and honestly I don't care how long it takes me to get there. I feel really good about where I am, even though it's not the finish line, I can definitely see that I'm doing alright in this race. In 2004 Christy and I were with a group of women on a little trip for my niece's graduation, I have a picture that we took together then and I told her at the reunion we should take another picture and I would make a comparison of the two. Well, I did and wow, it's amazing to see how much younger we both look, how much happier and healthier we both look. What a blessing this has been. I just have to share that picture too.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
When I reflect on that time and the woman that I was, I'm overcome with regret at times for the way I allowed myself to be treated and regret for the time I lost. I am also overcome with gratitude for the life that I have now. On that day in 2004, if you had told me that in just a few years I would be living like I am now, I would not have believed it. I never thought that I would be able to find love again, I didn't think I could take care of myself and my kids, I didn't think I'd be able to feel safe and secure and happy. But I do! Back then, I believed that it was all my fault and that I was broken, I believed that in some way, I deserved to be mistreated, it was Karma. I did not see my own worth let alone my own strength.
So many things happened in the years after that day...slowly, but surely I began to piece my life back together, to gain some control again. I had used my fat as my armor, it protected me from the outside, and it kept me "real" (in my mind, it kept me faithful to the life I had chosen for myself.) It wasn't just that I was fat, I had lost my softness, my femininity, I no longer looked like the woman I had been, I no longer really cared. But, slowly, as I started to feel again, I started to heal. And, I started to reevaluate some things in my life. For one, my weight, my health, my harshness. As I healed, I learned to love again, I learned to trust again...I found out that it was okay to be soft, that my fragility would be safe in the hands of others. I found a man, who loved me as I was, he saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He reminded me daily that he loved me and that I was safe, he supported me in all endeavors and he continues to be by my side in my lap band journey and my life journey. He does this even though he knows just how crazy I am.
I believe in fate, I believe that things happen for a reason. My life before was what brought me to the life I have now, so I cannot begrudge it. My ex husband gave me two beautiful children, I would never want to change that. Had I gotten out of my marriage years before, I might have missed out on being in the right place at the right time to meet the love of my life. I would certainly never want to change that! And, living as a fat woman, coming to the end of my proverbial rope, well that brought me to the lap band, which in turn brought me to an incredible source of love and support in this area of my life. I am forever grateful for that.
There are times when my life feels busy and out of control, times when I fall back on old habits, I try to solve a problem that is not hunger related with food (old habits), times when I berate myself for having eaten out of boredom, hurt or frustration. There are times when I look a picture of myself from seven years ago and I feel a wave of shame and hurt all over again, but then I realize that it was all just a part of my journey. It is part of who I am, without it, I wouldn't have what I have today, so, even though it is hard to look at the old me, it is something I need to remember, something that I can't begrudge. I can't appreciate how far I've come unless I look at where I've been.
On that note, I'll leave you with a pic of me from 2004 and one of me from BOOBS this year. It's good to look back but it's even better to look forward, and focus on the future. Have a wonderful weekend!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Stacey, Ronnie, Brandi and Debi
Brandi, Stephani and Jacquie (they all have the same surgeon!)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Jenny and Jessica
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I hope everyone is doing well. It was so nice to see old friends in Chicago and to meet new ones. It really is surreal when you meet someone for the first time but feel like you've known them forever! I will write more about that and all the fun things we did in Chicago.
But for now I'll just say, while I was in Chicago, my eating was great, I didn't gain any weight, I felt really good, we were active, we ate and drank but nothing out of control. I came home and felt like I wanted to eat everything in sight. I have not felt like exercising, I've been on the border of getting sick and have been using that as an excuse for not moving.
It's time for me to take an honest inventory of my life, time to reevaluate my eating and get back in gear. I've just been maintaining for the last 7 months....seriously? What has happened to my reserve. I don't want to stop here. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that I have been able to maintain all this time, because that is unheard of for me. And, perhaps I'm just taking a break here...maybe I'm just a lazy ass and don't care anymore. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what's different now. I know I feel better, I feel more normal, but I'm a long way from being thin. I don't know what to make of my lack of commitment. I generally am a very committed person. I could use any advise you might have.
I will leave you with a pic of me an my roomies, Vickie and Jacquie. We had so much fun together. Love these girls and miss them!
Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011