Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What's keeping me from my goal?

This morning when I searched for a picture to illustrate my struggle of the moment.  I found this one and boy was it appropriate.  For months, I've been standing in a small spot, staring at my goal, wishing, hoping, praying for the piece of the puzzle that might get me there....and all the while....holding that piece in my own hand! Oh the irony.  What is it that's stopping me.  I mean REALLY? What is it? 

I've done a lot of soul searching, what am I really afraid of? I must be afraid of something, because my past indicates that when I haven't done something that I wanted to do, it was fear that stopped me.  So, what about being at a healthy weight could possibly scare me?  Here are some things that pop into my head....things that in the past really did hinder me:
  • Fear of failing.
  • Fear of the unknown, like...what if I don't like myself as a thin person, what if others don't like me, what if my skin is so nasty I'd rather be fat?
  • Fear of attention from men.  (this one sounds really stupid, but this was a big issue when I was in my last marriage.  Because I was so unhappy, the least bit of attention from men, made me nervous. I think that my fat helped keep me married for as long as I was) I'm in a happy marriage now, so what's my problem?
  • Fear of gaining the weight back. (That's because, it was always inevitable before)
  • Fear of unearthing a beast under all that flesh!...I joke about it all the time, but I've always felt like God knew what he was doing when he put me in this body, if I was a knock out, I'd probably go half- naked to pick my kids up at school! LOL!
  • Fear of being unable to maintain the weight I choose for my goal.  This one is based on past experience as well.
  • Fear of being ordinary. (again, this sounds stupid, but I'm used to being one of the biggest people in the room. I stand out, if I want to or not.)
  • Fear that those last 30 won't really make that much of a difference.  This is one that I really struggle with.  No one even noticed my weight loss until I was down 50 pounds.  I would see people I hadn't seen in a while and they would ask if  my hair was different, or something like that, but was 50 pounds before people noticed, it was 50 pounds before I really had to get new clothes.  I don't know that 30 will really make that much of a difference.
  • Fear that it's not worth the trouble.  This one ties into the above fear.  Maybe it's not fear at all, maybe I'm just lazy. Or maybe I'm actually content for once in my life.  Although, I am happier with myself than I have been in many years...I think it's just me being lazy and complacent.
  • Fear that I really don't deserve it...maybe I should just be happy with the progress I've made and quit bitching about where I want to go. 
So, how do I get past this missing piece.  How do I make myself believe that it's worth it and how do I take that chance....put the piece in place and trust that I won't fall? I don't know how.  Each day, I set out a plan for my food.  I stick to it most days.  Everyday I set my alarm for 5 and say I'm going to get up and move my body....this one, I rarely do. On most days, I hit the snooze and say to myself, "you need to rest as much as you need to move."  Really?  Today, I hit the snooze, then I made a plan for my food, I've stuck with it, but it's like my heart isn't in it anymore.  I remember the many times that I have been in the zone on a diet.  Times, when you couldn't have forced me to eat something that wasn't on my plan....I don't know what happened to that resolve.  I don't know how to get that resolve back.  I just don't know.

So that is my struggle in a nut shell.  Lots of "I don't knows" lots of fear.  I read Holly's blog today at 300 pounds down.  She's so inspiring...she started her exercise plan with 30 seconds of movement.  Surely I have 30 minutes in me somewhere.  Today, I will make it a priority to address some of these fears.  I will make it a priority to chart a plan to put the piece in place.  I don't know...I don't know, but I will try!

Thanks for listening to rant number 400!
Big Hugs!


Steph said...

You deserve all the happiness in the world, Teresa. I hope you can move past all these obstacles and know that you are truly an amazing woman no matter what you weigh, but reaching that goal of losing weight will mean so much more for you, I think, because you know deep down inside that you have worked hard and deserve it.

MandaPanda said...

Holly IS inspiring. Sometimes I read her posts and think "If she could do it, how can I NOT do it? She had it so much harder." It guilts me into it. I gotta tell you though...I've been working out and getting back to plan and I feel better than I've felt in months. I'm faking it til I make it. It's all we can do. ((HUGS))

Beth Ann said...

What a great post. If we keep working at it, we will find the key, right? Big hugs!

Sandy said...

Just wanted to say those last 30 pounds are worth losing. I started at 215 and 40 pounds down make a ton of difference. So it takes the rest of your life. Who's counting?

adorkbl said...

Sometimes you need to just move. Swing thos elegs over the side of the bed instead of hitting snooze. It is HARD... but so worth it in the end. Don't give yourself a chance to talk yourself out of it.

Laura Belle said...

I don't think your fears are stupid at all. Don't say that. I have some of the same ones. Mine are about any goal I set for myself. I'm so afraid of failure. so afraid. So a lot of the time I just quit setting goals. Then I have no motivation. Vicious stupidass circle.

I think if you continue to work through your fears and keep writing and keep trying, the motivation will come back. It will! but don't sabotage yourself before that happens! Keep trying girl!

Lap Band Gal said...

Amen Sista, great blog post.

The time is going to pass when I was losing I tried to focus one day at a time and not think of it as "I must lose X lbs by X date".

Well done in recognizing your fears. The next step is facing them.

You can do it.


dede said...

What a great, honest post! I can relate to so many of your bullet items!! You WILL figure out that missing puzzle piece...and I will find mine (probably in the form of some kind of fitness routine!) So proud of you!! Our weight is very similar...beginning, now, and goal!! You've come so far, and are doing a great job...we can SO do this!!!