Powerful stuff!

Why is it that hormones are ruling my emotions and my band?

These are some hormone related concerns I have. Feel free to chime in if you care to:

There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the hormonal fluctuations of this body of mine.

There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the fluctuations in tightness of my band, due to the above mentioned hormones.

These fluctuations in both, make me feel...well,a bit pissy. So there. I have been a bit emotional the last few days, and unlike most times when I'm emotional and weepy and can eat a horse. This time I'm emotional, weepy and tight as can be. So, this confuses me. Just when I think there's a pattern to the madness, there's not.

One of the things about being banded that was the hardest thing for me to get used to, was wrapping my head around the fact that I could still live and thrive on a very small amount of food, compared to what I was eating before. I think that was really holding me back early on in this journey. The next thing that has been a real issue for me is knowing the warning signs of a stuck episode in the making. Last night I made a crawfish pasta dish for my son. I had a tiny dish, the kind that your sauce or dressing comes in at a restaurant, because I had been stuck several times during the day and was trying to avoid it. I just had the sauce and crawfish, no pasta. I ate it very slowly. I chewed very well. I got stuck. I waited and waited, trying so hard to let it pass, because I had gone about a week without a PB and was really feeling that I was on top of things. It just wouldn't pass, so I PB'd. I hate to do that. I think if I had stopped one bite before, I could have avoided it, it's always that last bite that puts you over the edge, but I don't know it til I take it. I'm taking it easy today, I still feel very tight, but have been successful in eating today, small amounts of food, but I haven't been sick. I guess I need to come up with a formula for how to know what bite should be my last, it has never been a particular cup size or dish like some of you. Just trial and error for me.

One last band related thing... is it just me, or does it take three separate PB's before it's over for you? Inquiring minds want to know!

I hope you all are having a great day, tomorrow is Wednesday, my kids go to their dad's for the remainder of our Spring Break, I will miss them. The hubby is going hunting this weekend, so I'm going to take this time to re-center myself, have a little girl time with my peeps and just relax. I'm looking forward to it.

Big Hugs!

T

Quick Post Easter Post!

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I did, although even with an extra day, it wasn't long enough. Here are a couple of pics from Sunday.

This one is my two boys, (on the outer edges, seated) and my sister's boys, being silly as always. We ate at my sister's house and it was fun. We branched out and had a Mexican themed meal, it was delicious as always.

And, here is a picture of my step daughter and me. It was really windy out, so excuse our flat hair.


On the food front. I enjoyed myself, I had chocolate and wine and cake and a little bit of everything. I felt like I ate too much yesterday, but I didn't sweat it. Today, I'm back on track and so thankful for my band. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I'm busy at work as I'm wrapping up my quarterly filings. I hope to have more time to blog about a few things that have been on my mind, soon.


My oldest son is going to the Regional Track meet on Thursday, I'm excited about that. And, school is really almost out! I can't believe how another year is gone. Wow. Have a great Monday!


Big Hugs!
T

Easter Candy!!!

It's everywhere! And I want it all! Last year I was on mushies for Easter and didn't have any candy at all. I had just had my surgery and I was afraid to eat anything. Not so much this year. But really I'm not worried. My restriction is good and even if I have a couple of pieces of candy, everything will be fine.

I'm having an issue with a dear friend of mine and I need to just get this off my chest. My friend is one of my greatest supporters. Always there for me when dieting and crabby, always there to make a salad for me when I needed it. My friend is not feeling so good about herself right now and feels like I did for so long, kind of out of control and having trouble getting motivated. In any case, it's causing friction between us. I feel bad that I can just eat regular food and still lose weight. I feel like she is angry with me because I can. She used to be like that, it's just suddenly she's put on a little weight and well, I feel really guilty. I mean I feel guilty because I'm losing weight and she isn't. There have been many times before when she was in the zone and losing, while I was steadily gaining. I know how it feels, but I also know, just like she used to know, that I can't do it for her. Even if we just sit around and eat cottage cheese all day, I can't do it for her. I hate feeling helpless and I hate seeing someone I love feel bad because of a few extra pounds. I know how powerful food is.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter if you celebrate. Take care!

Big Hugs,

T

What I need...

That's right, I want a clean slate, a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? Yesterday I had court and had to see my ex. That is never a fun experience for me. It's over now though and that is what I need to concentrate on. What bothers me the most about having gone through this whole court battle with him is that, in the end, things are pretty much the same as they were before, only now I have a lot less money, because I had to pay a lawyer to represent me for a year and really, not much has changed.

This does not surprise me. My ex husband seriously could have had a conversation with me and we could have avoided all this useless expense and trouble. But he and I can barely speak to one another. He is the kind of person who can't tell the truth, even when the truth is more interesting, he'll spin a tale. It was exhausting being married to that man. Anyway, it's over. I'm lucky...I'm in a good marriage, my husband treats me and my children great. We have all that we need and more, so what is this clean slate I'm talking about?

I want a clean slate from the old way of thinking, the kind of faulty reasoning that actually made me believe yesterday that the contempt charges that man filed might actually amount to something. The thinking that makes it so difficult for me to talk rationally about things that are close to my heart. The kind of thinking that makes me scared of the stupidest things. The kind of thinking that keeps me tied to old ways and beliefs.

My slate has been cleaned many times over and on most days it looks pretty good, the writing on it is fresh and new, but on some days you can see the old writing underneath. Yesterday was one of those days. So today, I've got the spray cleaner and a fresh towel. Here's to each day bringing the opportunity to start over.

Big Hugs!

T

Oh Monday...you've come too soon!

I hate it when that happens! The weekend went way too fast for me. It was nothing spectacular, kind of low keyed, and just what I needed. Friday I went to my son's track meet, that's always fun. Saturday the hubs and I ran some errands, had a nice lunch together and just kind of hung out at home. Sunday, more of the same. I finished the crab painting for my friend's boat house and we ordered some boiled crawfish and ate those last night. It was a nice quiet weekend. On the band front, I have had great restriction, but my super tightness has eased up a little, thank goodness. I had to take antibiotics this week and had my first experience with the liquid stuff, no wonder my kids complained so much when they were little, yuck! And I'm not joking when I tell you the bottle was as big as my shoe! I'm so lucky, my OB/Gyn has the band too. She is a friend of mine and she was one of the reasons I got my band. She looks amazing. Anyway, she just had all the fluid removed from her band, because she couldn't eat or drink without pain. She said it was from a marathon weekend of boozing and eating bad (her words not mine.) She has a 4cc band and says even with no fluid she has pretty decent restriction. Tomorrow is my court date for the ongoing saga with my ex. Once again I'm apprehensive. I hate being in the same room with him. Anyway, that's about it. I'm swamped at work so I better get to it, instead of blogging. Happy Monday, Big Hugs! T

59 Baby!

As of this morning 59 pounds gone! So, for your viewing pleasure: a couple of things that weigh 59 pounds! Yay, so glad to finally see the scale moving. Good things are on the horizon. Happy, happy weekend to all!

Big Hugs!

T

Wow, the journal post...

Okay guys, here it is...I wrote yesterday about how I found my journal from a couple of years ago. I made a collage with the pictures, the first one was taken at my Aunt's house in the summer of 1977, I was about to enter High School. I was clowning around with my Aunt and posing for her. I remember when I got the picture back I picked it apart, I obsessed about how far my stomach stuck out and how big my thighs were...if only I had those problems now!

click on the pic to enlarge

The second photo was taken in December of 2004, I was 41 and was separated from my husband for just two months, I was in New Orleans for the weekend, singing karoke with some friends and I remember being happy that I had lost about 15 pounds....Yikes! The third photo was me 2 weeks ago, I'm 48 and still singing karaoke at girls night in. Notice a pattern? The journal entry that went with the first two pictures was very interesting to me, I talked about how I had made great improvement in other areas of my life, but was still unable to conquer my food issues. I wrote: "So, here's the breakdown, I am no longer in a life-threatening, emotionally dangerous marriage, I quit smoking and have not started again, I have gained some weight back but am still quite a bit down from my heaviest, overall...I'm in a pretty good place, but I just can't seem to get to a place with my food issues that I have gotten to in other areas." I wrote more about my feelings toward food and then I wrote this: "Okay-I'm going to write this down, I'll speak it if I must, but I'm going to get this out there...I am afraid to be a thin woman! I don't know how to live successfully as a thin woman. I guess the pay off for me is that being fat is easy. I know how to lose weight and I know how to exercise and live a healthy lifestyle. I actually enjoy a healthy lifestyle, but I always sabotage myself. I'm afraid to be successful in that area. I'm afraid to be without the crutch of this fat body that has been my solace and refuge for so long. I promise myself today that I will devote myself to unearthing these feelings that make it less painful to live as an obese woman than to live as an average woman!" When I began reading my journal, it made me uncomfortable, those feelings were so raw and so desperate, I remember them very well. Sometimes I wonder if, with enough therapy, I would have been able to overcome my food addictions and attain a normal weight without weight loss surgery. On most days, I'm honest enough with myself to say no. I don't think so. My need and desire to medicate myself with food was so enmeshed in my lifestyle that there were very few moments in a day that I was not thinking of overeating if I wasn't already overeating. I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it. I'm so glad I did it. Today I feel a sense of freedom that had eluded me for many years. I always felt tied to my drug (food) and tied to my short comings (my fat). I'm glad to say that I feel like I can do this, I really feel like I can do this. I don't know why in the big scheme of things that this is the journey that I was meant to take, but I know that the things I have been through, the understanding that I have gained, have been for a reason. I hope someday to really fully understand it all. Thank you for sharing in my joys, my pains, my moments of discovery. You are such a part of my progress, I'm thankful each day for the friendships I have made through this blog. Big Hugs! T