LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wow, the journal post...

Okay guys, here it is...I wrote yesterday about how I found my journal from a couple of years ago. I made a collage with the pictures, the first one was taken at my Aunt's house in the summer of 1977, I was about to enter High School. I was clowning around with my Aunt and posing for her. I remember when I got the picture back I picked it apart, I obsessed about how far my stomach stuck out and how big my thighs were...if only I had those problems now!
click on the pic to enlarge

The second photo was taken in December of 2004, I was 41 and was separated from my husband for just two months, I was in New Orleans for the weekend, singing karoke with some friends and I remember being happy that I had lost about 15 pounds....Yikes! The third photo was me 2 weeks ago, I'm 48 and still singing karaoke at girls night in. Notice a pattern? The journal entry that went with the first two pictures was very interesting to me, I talked about how I had made great improvement in other areas of my life, but was still unable to conquer my food issues. I wrote: "So, here's the breakdown, I am no longer in a life-threatening, emotionally dangerous marriage, I quit smoking and have not started again, I have gained some weight back but am still quite a bit down from my heaviest, overall...I'm in a pretty good place, but I just can't seem to get to a place with my food issues that I have gotten to in other areas." I wrote more about my feelings toward food and then I wrote this: "Okay-I'm going to write this down, I'll speak it if I must, but I'm going to get this out there...I am afraid to be a thin woman! I don't know how to live successfully as a thin woman. I guess the pay off for me is that being fat is easy. I know how to lose weight and I know how to exercise and live a healthy lifestyle. I actually enjoy a healthy lifestyle, but I always sabotage myself. I'm afraid to be successful in that area. I'm afraid to be without the crutch of this fat body that has been my solace and refuge for so long. I promise myself today that I will devote myself to unearthing these feelings that make it less painful to live as an obese woman than to live as an average woman!" When I began reading my journal, it made me uncomfortable, those feelings were so raw and so desperate, I remember them very well. Sometimes I wonder if, with enough therapy, I would have been able to overcome my food addictions and attain a normal weight without weight loss surgery. On most days, I'm honest enough with myself to say no. I don't think so. My need and desire to medicate myself with food was so enmeshed in my lifestyle that there were very few moments in a day that I was not thinking of overeating if I wasn't already overeating. I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it. I'm so glad I did it. Today I feel a sense of freedom that had eluded me for many years. I always felt tied to my drug (food) and tied to my short comings (my fat). I'm glad to say that I feel like I can do this, I really feel like I can do this. I don't know why in the big scheme of things that this is the journey that I was meant to take, but I know that the things I have been through, the understanding that I have gained, have been for a reason. I hope someday to really fully understand it all. Thank you for sharing in my joys, my pains, my moments of discovery. You are such a part of my progress, I'm thankful each day for the friendships I have made through this blog. Big Hugs! T

15 comments:

Angela said...

Great post! I too am a karaoke addict, and if we don't get to sing in Chicago together I am going to be VERY disappointed!

Stephanie said...

It's amazing that you look so much yourger in your now picture than you did 7 years ago when you were heavier. You look happier and after sharing your journal with us, you sound so much healthier emotionally. I'm so glad you are a BOOB, because honestly, you give as much support as you get, if not more. At least to me!! Much hugs...

Amanda Kiska said...

Great post!

Pie said...

I love love love this! This is why we journal/blog/write! To go back and realize just how far we've come. It's so easy to forget. What great pictures! I know how easy it is to pick a part pictures from those years and how crazy it is to look back and think, "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!"

You shine in all three shots but you definitely look the happiest in the last! :)

Read said...

Oh. My. God.
I have thought many times before that we had obviously been separated at birth - or perhaps swapping one brain back and forth (I know at least for me there are days where mine is not working right for me) - but seriously! I could have written every word of that journal entry. Okay that's a lie - I don't think I'd have had the guts to put it down on paper. But I have long felt - long been completely confident that it all boils down to fear of being thin for me. I have a book (I think it's still in my trunk right this second) that is all about conquering fears - and something about it told me it would help with just this fear.. but as I said it's still in my trunk. Some of that might be residual fear - but I think more of that is - I'm in a whole different place now. I think I can do this. I'm still scared to death - but I think just owning that has taken some of the burdon of it away.

I, however, have only done karaoke once and I was drunk enough to not really remember it. I'm happy to sing all day every day - working, grocery shopping, whatever - but I have no desire whatsoever to stand in front of people and sing. I'll be happy to hold your drink while you do it though!!

I am greatly looking forward to meeting you!!

Annie said...

Wow, thank you so much for sharing this. I love all three pictures for they represent all componenets of who you are- Wonderful, Adorable, and Funny Tessie Rose!

Fear of thinness- I get it. I got it. I want it gone.
xoxox

Beth Ann said...

I love this post. I wish I would have journaled more of my life. I agree that you look younger now than you did before!

Sandy Lee said...

Great post. I'm getting more reflective and maybe you hit the nail on the head when you said: "I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it." It really made me think that some of my sadness/depression/weird feelings lately are actually just my reaction to not having the binge to avoid it. Something to think about more.

And your photos. Wow. I think looking back helps us look forward. OK, you are coming to Chicago aren't you and you will come sing Karaoke with us all won't you. Stephanie and I sang "I will Survive" last year at the bar.

Camille said...

Wow. You look really good! Really Really good!

Drazil said...

Wow - love this....just love it.

DiZneDiVa said...

Wonderful post... I think we all have these feelings, these doubts. I can't ever remember being content in my body. I always thought I was fat, even when I wasn't. I know I look forward to knowing myself as a healthy person, but I'm not sure who she is yet... but I am finding her a little each day.

Gilly said...

Perspective is an amazing thing, isn't it? We as woman can be so hard on ourselves. Years ago, I was doing Weight Watchers, and I'd lost about 45 lbs, and I ws talking to another girl who had also lost quite a bit...and I said to her "what if this is the time I actually lose all the weight? What am I gonna DO?" It was shortly after that I started gaining it all back. Just know that you look fantastic, and you are inspiring!

Gen said...

This is such a great post. I agree with Sandy, that comment about the band forcing us to deal with our emotions, where before we would have binged. It really is a gift and an amazing breakthrough.

You look fabulous!!!!!

Dawnya said...

My beautiful Tessie Rose....this is an awesome post. So full of raw honesty. It is amazing to see how far you have come...emotionally, physically and mentally.

I feel honored to be a part of your journey.

MandaPanda said...

This is a wonderful post! Thank you so much for sharing it. Journals can be wonderfully revealing...especially looking back with the benefit of hindsight.