Wow, the journal post...

Okay guys, here it is...I wrote yesterday about how I found my journal from a couple of years ago. I made a collage with the pictures, the first one was taken at my Aunt's house in the summer of 1977, I was about to enter High School. I was clowning around with my Aunt and posing for her. I remember when I got the picture back I picked it apart, I obsessed about how far my stomach stuck out and how big my thighs were...if only I had those problems now!

click on the pic to enlarge

The second photo was taken in December of 2004, I was 41 and was separated from my husband for just two months, I was in New Orleans for the weekend, singing karoke with some friends and I remember being happy that I had lost about 15 pounds....Yikes! The third photo was me 2 weeks ago, I'm 48 and still singing karaoke at girls night in. Notice a pattern? The journal entry that went with the first two pictures was very interesting to me, I talked about how I had made great improvement in other areas of my life, but was still unable to conquer my food issues. I wrote: "So, here's the breakdown, I am no longer in a life-threatening, emotionally dangerous marriage, I quit smoking and have not started again, I have gained some weight back but am still quite a bit down from my heaviest, overall...I'm in a pretty good place, but I just can't seem to get to a place with my food issues that I have gotten to in other areas." I wrote more about my feelings toward food and then I wrote this: "Okay-I'm going to write this down, I'll speak it if I must, but I'm going to get this out there...I am afraid to be a thin woman! I don't know how to live successfully as a thin woman. I guess the pay off for me is that being fat is easy. I know how to lose weight and I know how to exercise and live a healthy lifestyle. I actually enjoy a healthy lifestyle, but I always sabotage myself. I'm afraid to be successful in that area. I'm afraid to be without the crutch of this fat body that has been my solace and refuge for so long. I promise myself today that I will devote myself to unearthing these feelings that make it less painful to live as an obese woman than to live as an average woman!" When I began reading my journal, it made me uncomfortable, those feelings were so raw and so desperate, I remember them very well. Sometimes I wonder if, with enough therapy, I would have been able to overcome my food addictions and attain a normal weight without weight loss surgery. On most days, I'm honest enough with myself to say no. I don't think so. My need and desire to medicate myself with food was so enmeshed in my lifestyle that there were very few moments in a day that I was not thinking of overeating if I wasn't already overeating. I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it. I'm so glad I did it. Today I feel a sense of freedom that had eluded me for many years. I always felt tied to my drug (food) and tied to my short comings (my fat). I'm glad to say that I feel like I can do this, I really feel like I can do this. I don't know why in the big scheme of things that this is the journey that I was meant to take, but I know that the things I have been through, the understanding that I have gained, have been for a reason. I hope someday to really fully understand it all. Thank you for sharing in my joys, my pains, my moments of discovery. You are such a part of my progress, I'm thankful each day for the friendships I have made through this blog. Big Hugs! T