Ch Ch Ch Changes... also know as the pity party!

Howdy Peeps! I'm still alive, still here, still in a bit of a funk, still 50.... By the way, this week is the first time that I've actually felt old.  I don't like it.  Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of post birthday sadness, maybe it's because so much is changing in my life, maybe it's because some things are not changing, but I'm just kind of feeling...well...I don't know a good word for it, sad or out of sorts.

Like I said, things are changing.  I went to a senior meeting on Monday, and suddenly the fact that two of our kids are going to graduate from high school in 3 months and begin the next phase of their lives, hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband is making a big career move.  My ex-husband is being a turd and it's affecting my kids, just a bunch of things are swirling around and it's unsettling.

Then some things are not changing.  My weight for one, my activity level, my career.  I'm still in the same place on the scale.  I'm still not exercising, I still don't want to. I'm still in my same, not very exciting job, some days I just get really antsy about  being here and feel like I'm wasting away here.  And, I'm tired.  I'm tired.  All I want to do right now, is sleep. What's up with that?  I usually have much more energy than I do. 

I gave up drinking for Lent, and sweets! That is probably the problem right now.  Sadly, aside from my family, I love wine and chocolate the most!  I'm probably experiencing sugar withdrawal right now.  I hope my mood gets better, it has only been a week today!

Then, my friend (who is the more talented part of the lounge singer duo in the variety show I do each Summer) just called to tell me she's moving.  Our act is something that I look forward to every summer.  In case you didn't pick up on this about me, I'm not real crazy about changes that are out of my control.  In the past, my coping mechanism for those kinds of changes has been food.  Although I still cope with food sometimes, I can't eat what I want to when I want to.  I don't really want to, but sometimes feel like I still need to.  So, I'm turning to one of my other coping mechanisms...writing it down here.  Getting it out of my head and onto the screen.  Hopefully that will make me feel better. 

I hope you are all having a great week and that I don't bring the mood down.

Big Hugs,
T

I'm 50!

I can kick and stretch and kick...I'm 50! Ha ha! Today I turned 50, and it's not such a bad place to be.  As I look back over my life, and the missteps along the way, I suppose that there has been more good than bad.  I'm so thankful that I have my band, that, although I still want to lose more weight, I have maintained a 60 pound loss for 2 years.  I'm healthier, happier and I think I look better.   The picture below is me, on the left at 40 on the right at 50 (10 years and 80 pounds!).  I wouldn't want to go back, that's for sure. 

 

I had a great weekend, filled with celebrating and good friends. It was really great.  I hope you all have a great week!
Big Hugs,
T

The unfill that wasn't

Hello.  How are you?  I hope well.  Yesterday I went to see my surgeon for a slight unfill.  First of all, it's been since March or so of last year since I saw my surgeon.  At that time, I was having 1/2 cc put back in after having 1 cc removed.  Since my last visit, I have only lost 3 pounds.  Not great, but not a gain.  I mean I know... I've been maintaining.  I feel good and bad about this. 

So, anyway....I'm on the table, stomach tensed so he can access my port easier.  He has his hand on the general area, hits me with lidocaine, then goes in for the port, I feel him hit the port, he bears down really  hard, and then...strange sound, strange sensation, the needle bounces off the port.  He does this about 10 times total, after the 5th try he says each time..."this is the last try."  So, it happens each time, and I end up leaving with no unfill.  And a very sore port area.  He said, sometimes these things happen, let yourself heal up, when it's not sore, come back we'll try it again.  The nurse said, yeah...they happen but usually when  you're in need of an unfill.

Anyway, my band is playing nice right now, I'm not struggling to drink water and I can eat okay, but last week it was horrible.  I don't know what is going on with my port.  I haven't felt any pain in the area, I haven't felt like it's moved or anything like that.  Has this happened to any of you?

So, when I got home, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I was hurting.  I told my husband that I wonder what I'm supposed to learn from this? He said...I think you're reading a little too much into it.  Like he doesn't know me or something, lol!

I don't know.  I know that I need to take better care of myself.  I need to concentrate more on nutrition and be kinder to my band. 

I really appreciate all of your kind comments on my last post.  Thanks for the support!
Big Hugs!
T

I've lost that loving feeling....

Towards my blog anyway.  I've seen it happen over and over to people I've followed, their posts get farther and farther between and then before you know...they're gone. 

I really just have no desire to blog anymore.  I really love reading your blogs and commenting when I can, but every time I go to write a post, I stop.  Maybe it's because I'm just boring and I never have any weight loss news to report.  Maybe, it's just run it's course.  I dont' know.

I will try to catch you up quickly on what's going on with me.  Here are a few bullets:

• I'm still at the same spot weight wise.  I had gained a bit over the holidays, but due to some tightness, I'm back at my same old place.  Still feeling like I will never see 199...but still okay not hating myself for being 205-208.
• The holidays were very nice. It was nice to be with family and friends.
• I was tight, very tight over both Thanksgiving and Christmas.
• I'm having an unfill on Tuesday.
• My hubby is more aggravated with my band than I am.

That's about it.  See, I'm boring.  And I'm just feeling like my blog is a little played out.  I'm going to be 50 in 17 days.  I was really hoping to be at my goal by then.  Not going to happen unless I change my goal, lol!  I'm hoping that an unfill will help me jump start my weight loss.  It's been really hard to make good choices, when eating hurts and it I know it's just going to come back up.  I will keep you posted on that.  I hope all is well in your world.  If anyone out there still bothers to check my blog...thanks!

Happy Friday!
T

Day of Silence...

Rock? Hard Place?

I'm stuck between them.    It's been more than a year since I've had an adjustment to my band.  The last time I went in was to get 1/2 cc put back in after having 1cc taken out prior to that.  I have been just going along... some days good, some days bad, as far as the band goes.  My band is very fickle and hormonal changes wreak havoc on my band.  It seems that half of every month I can eat well, the other half I have trouble with liquids. 

Anyway, on Thanksgiving day, I got stuck, first bite of food and I spent most of the day sick  I had trouble with liquids even.  My band was so irritated that I had trouble with everything, even liquids for about 10 days to follow.  So, a couple of days ago, I finally had enough and called to schedule an unfill.  The next morning I wake up and my band is all loosey goosey again! WTF? How can that happen?  I stressed over it all day yesterday and today and finally, I canceled the appointment.  Now, I just don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.

Here's the deal.  I have been at the same spot weight wise for a year.  I've gotten pretty comfortable with this spot, evidently.  I'm happy that I'm not gaining, I wish I was losing, but I'm not devastated to be sitting at this spot.  So....here is my dilemma. I know that many times my band is just too tight and that it won't allow me to make the healthiest choices, food wise.  I also know that after a period of my band being too tight, I feel desperate, like "man I can finally eat something, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, I better eat today!"  I feel like, if I could consistently make better choices, without fear of pain and PB, that I might actually do that.  I also feel this overwhelming fear that if I get even the tiniest bit out, I'll eat like a pig and gain all my weight back.  I don't know what the answer is. 

So, I'm at a spot where I need to make a decision about my band and myself.  Am I willing to make a change? Am I willing to put the work in that I once did?  I've gotten pretty lazy.  I don't know...but, I do know that if nothing changes...nothing will change.

That's it.

Big Hugs!
T

Great weekend!!!

What a wonderful weekend it was, I'm so glad I got to spend time with Vickie and Jacquie and our sweet patient husbands, we had a great time! The weather was perfect, the food was amazing, the company was even better.  Only problem was that an entire Fraternity decided to stay in the same hotel as us and poor  Vickie got sick.  I'm so glad that we were able to get together, I miss them already and I'm ready for the next visit.

 

Here's a quick recap:

We met at the hotel around one, walked around the Quarter looking for a restaurant, but we were off a bit, so we settled on one we stumbled upon, ate lunch, met Super Man, had cocktails on Bourbon Street, freshened up, caught a cab, went to dinner, had more drinks, listened to jazz, enjoyed wonderful conversation, danced a little, laughed a LOT...lather, rinse, repeat!

 

All in all a fabulous weekend with some fabulous friends.  On Saturday Vicky met us at Cafe' Du Monde for beignets and cafe' au lait, it was great to meet her, although it was a short visit.  She is as sweet as she seems on her blog and she looks amazing!!! 

 

I'm shocked sometimes at the friendships that have come with my band and this blogging experience.  What a blessing it has been.  I will leave you with a few pics of the weekend.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. 

 



Vickie, Me, Jacquie and Super Man

After the first Hurricane at Pat O'Brien's...no description needed!
 

Then Men Folks
My John, Jacquie's Steve and Vickie's John

Three bandsters and one Sleever
Vickie, Me, Vicky and Jacquie