Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Today is Fat Tuesday!

How appropriate. Really, Happy Mardi Gras! It is Fat Tuesday in so many ways. Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, the day after Carnival season and a welcome change from all the partying. I'm going to really get serious tomorrow. How many times have I said that? Yesterday, I was in the Grocery store and remembered all of the times I went to the store right after the last parade, to get my Chunky Monkey and ate every bit of it, so that I would be able to begin fasting the next day. Then, the next day comes and because I'm going through withdrawals from the sugar and junk, that I barely make it til noon before I want to go Postal and take out everyone around me. It's all such a vicious cycle for me. I was reading Joey's blog (Volume Control) this morning and laughed when she talked about lack of moderation. That has always been an issue for me, it's feast or famine baby all the way!.... Where does that come from the need to overdo or not do it at all?

My first marriage was to a man who had some "issues." One of which, he was a hoarder, yes, just like you see on the show. It was crazy. His problems became evident early on in our marriage, but didn't get out of control until much later on. It was a slow progression and it took over my life. I could no longer control the clutter, it was bigger than me, it was a force greater than nature. Eventually, I began to believe that I could not make a difference, because that is what history showed me, that no matter how hard I worked at restoring order, it was only a short matter of time before it all was back like before. I gave up. I just gave up. Eating was the only thing that I really could control. I see a definite similarity between both issues.

After I left my husband, I was afraid all the time that somehow I was the reason for the clutter. I doubted myself all the time. I found it difficult to relax and was still afraid of throwing things away, (because in the past, the consequences were never good.) It took me at least a year before I felt I had control over my space.

Then, Hurricanes Rita and Ike, changed my fears about throwing things away. After my marriage ended, I needed simplicity and was still struggling with that process. The floods simplified that for me. They allowed me to throw things away, to put value on what was truly important and to simplify my style and my surroundings. A real blessing in many ways. Although the blessing part of it was hard to see at first, a blessing none the less.

So, now here I am, faced with my own obsession, "hoarding", if you will, but in a different sense. I think that I need the "hurricane" or something big to bring me to the point of simplifying my relationship with food. I really do strive for moderation in so many areas of my life. I put so much emphasis on the food, when at times I should be looking at the real issue.....and just Moderate! Yeah, maybe Nike can use that one, Just Moderate!

See the pattern, too much, too much? Anyway, have a great Mardi Gras....the feast before the fast.


LDswims said...

Happy Mardi Gras!

Interesting blog today. Thank you for bringing it up!

Bonnie said...

Sounds like you definitely have overcome some major obstacles. Thanks for sharing.

Joey said...

Great post! If you are like me the "all or nothing" syndrome comes from being a perfectionist. If I can't do it perfectly, I can't do it at all. For me it's textbook ACoA.