Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Inspired by other posts.

Well today I was catching up on all the blogs I follow and found a common theme in several.

These blogs in particular caught my eye:




These blogs all touched on why people overeat.

It all got me thinking. It is no secret that I have spent a lot of time in therapy. I feel like I have made some strides in my life. There are areas of my life that I enjoy great success in. I have a wonderful family, a great marriage to a respectful, good man, a beautiful home, a fulfilling career. I take great pride in the achievements that I have made. But I still have this albatross around my neck. This albatross is my relationship with food. I do know through years of therapy and soul searching that my relationship with food is completely intertwined in my thought process, in everything that I do.

I remember being a very little girl when I first starting using food to comfort myself. I was 5 when my dad had his first heart attack and 6 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was afraid and anxious alot. I remember way back then comforting myself with food, totally losing myself in a bag of chips or a candy bar. I remember realizing that I didn't think of anything bad the whole time I was eating those chips. It is way back then that these bad habits began. I was not a fat child and did not start gaining weight until I was 25, but the cycle of binge eating and guilt had a very strong hold on me already.

So now, suffice to say, I have somewhat better coping skills then I did at 5 or 6 years old. I have done a great deal of work identifying the feelings that compel me to eat. Why is it then, that knowing and doing are so far from one another? Why is it that when I remember all of the happy moments of my childhood, I think of food? I think of mom preparing the food, and everyone enjoying the food as a family. Food is my best friend and my worst enemy all rolled into one.

When I read on blogs that people no longer obsess about food, I just want to scream! Can that ever happen for me? Will this band really give me the freedom to live life like a normal person? I have friends who are naturally thin and they just don't wake up thinking about what they will eat. They don't sit down to dinner and start discussing what they will have for the next meal. I want so badly to know what it feels like to be free from my compulsion to overeat.


Bonnie said...

I'm also hoping that the band will help with my compulsion.

THE DASH! said...

Ouch - no wonder you turned to an outlet with such tragedy at a young age. And yes, you really can reach a point where you no longer obsess about food. I'm there now too. Not that I ever really did - but I constantly turned to eating crap food - whether I ate or not never bothered me. Now, if I get hungry I don't stress. I just fill 'er up when required.

SuperMegaAnna said...

I am sad to say I still think about food a lot and I still find comfort in it. I have worked with a therapist a lot. I think the difference now is that I know I am doing it, I can talk about it afterwards and I can work to change my feelings. I will never stop being obsessed with food. I am truly a food addict, but I am learning to change my behavior and I am succeeding most of the time. That is the difference.

Lonicera said...

It really will sort itself out for you, but (sadly) it's a gradual process, and you have to arm yourself with patience and learn to deal with the interim anguish you inevitably feel (correction: we ALL feel). You want to scream? So do we. You feel you're definitely an exception and it will never work? So do we. As you get slimmer you recover self-respect, begin to feel hope, feel a modest pride in every small NSV achievement (NSV = non-scale victory). They're all grains of sand which add up, you don't get a sudden bucketful overnight.
And while this interminable wait is going on, you plod on sometimes blindly, and sometimes helped along the way by distractions, such as a project that keeps your mind occupied and not thinking of food.
Sorry - this really isn't meant to sound patronising, I'm struggling myself at the moment, so it's to remind myself as much as anything!

tessierose said...

Thank you for all of your comments. It really does put things in perspective for me, and I so appreciate your support!

LDswims said...

To start - great blog!

Being able to identify what is going on in your mind as you take a bite of whatever is a great first step. I don't think it's a bad thing, personally, that great memories are associated with great food. It's the same in my family - and they are all skinny people! To me, it's about re-learning to identify the full feeling and then making the conscious decision to stop eating when I'm there. I know plenty of skinny people that still think about their next meal as they are eating the current one (like everyone in my family). But what they do, that I quit doing and am getting back to, is quit eating when they are done. I will never stop enjoying food. I just hope to be wiser about it!