Wooo hoooo!

Another pound down today, for a total of 60 down. I am so excited to hit that milestone. Again, I'm such a slow loser, but slow is better than not losing at all. My overall average is 4.61 pounds per month. But, I'm totally enjoying my life and I eat whatever I want to eat and drink more than my share of wine, so...you won't hear me complaining. Well, you might, but just ignore me.

Last night was Wednesday, our typical date night, but we stayed in and had an impromptu dinner party under the grapevines on our pergola. It was a really fun night and the food and company were wonderful. It was a really beautiful night to be out.

I am so saddened by the tragic weather in other parts of the South, so many lives were lost. It appears that the weather is just going nuts lately. I hope that all of my blogger friends are safe.

I am very grateful for all of you and the help and encouragement you've given me along the way. I know that I could not be enjoying the 60 pound down mark with out you and without my wonderful band!

Big Hugs!

T

Powerful stuff!

Why is it that hormones are ruling my emotions and my band?

These are some hormone related concerns I have. Feel free to chime in if you care to:

There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the hormonal fluctuations of this body of mine.

There appears to be no rhyme or reason to the fluctuations in tightness of my band, due to the above mentioned hormones.

These fluctuations in both, make me feel...well,a bit pissy. So there. I have been a bit emotional the last few days, and unlike most times when I'm emotional and weepy and can eat a horse. This time I'm emotional, weepy and tight as can be. So, this confuses me. Just when I think there's a pattern to the madness, there's not.

One of the things about being banded that was the hardest thing for me to get used to, was wrapping my head around the fact that I could still live and thrive on a very small amount of food, compared to what I was eating before. I think that was really holding me back early on in this journey. The next thing that has been a real issue for me is knowing the warning signs of a stuck episode in the making. Last night I made a crawfish pasta dish for my son. I had a tiny dish, the kind that your sauce or dressing comes in at a restaurant, because I had been stuck several times during the day and was trying to avoid it. I just had the sauce and crawfish, no pasta. I ate it very slowly. I chewed very well. I got stuck. I waited and waited, trying so hard to let it pass, because I had gone about a week without a PB and was really feeling that I was on top of things. It just wouldn't pass, so I PB'd. I hate to do that. I think if I had stopped one bite before, I could have avoided it, it's always that last bite that puts you over the edge, but I don't know it til I take it. I'm taking it easy today, I still feel very tight, but have been successful in eating today, small amounts of food, but I haven't been sick. I guess I need to come up with a formula for how to know what bite should be my last, it has never been a particular cup size or dish like some of you. Just trial and error for me.

One last band related thing... is it just me, or does it take three separate PB's before it's over for you? Inquiring minds want to know!

I hope you all are having a great day, tomorrow is Wednesday, my kids go to their dad's for the remainder of our Spring Break, I will miss them. The hubby is going hunting this weekend, so I'm going to take this time to re-center myself, have a little girl time with my peeps and just relax. I'm looking forward to it.

Big Hugs!

T

Quick Post Easter Post!

I hope everyone had a great weekend. I did, although even with an extra day, it wasn't long enough. Here are a couple of pics from Sunday.

This one is my two boys, (on the outer edges, seated) and my sister's boys, being silly as always. We ate at my sister's house and it was fun. We branched out and had a Mexican themed meal, it was delicious as always.

And, here is a picture of my step daughter and me. It was really windy out, so excuse our flat hair.


On the food front. I enjoyed myself, I had chocolate and wine and cake and a little bit of everything. I felt like I ate too much yesterday, but I didn't sweat it. Today, I'm back on track and so thankful for my band. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. I'm busy at work as I'm wrapping up my quarterly filings. I hope to have more time to blog about a few things that have been on my mind, soon.


My oldest son is going to the Regional Track meet on Thursday, I'm excited about that. And, school is really almost out! I can't believe how another year is gone. Wow. Have a great Monday!


Big Hugs!
T

Easter Candy!!!

It's everywhere! And I want it all! Last year I was on mushies for Easter and didn't have any candy at all. I had just had my surgery and I was afraid to eat anything. Not so much this year. But really I'm not worried. My restriction is good and even if I have a couple of pieces of candy, everything will be fine.

I'm having an issue with a dear friend of mine and I need to just get this off my chest. My friend is one of my greatest supporters. Always there for me when dieting and crabby, always there to make a salad for me when I needed it. My friend is not feeling so good about herself right now and feels like I did for so long, kind of out of control and having trouble getting motivated. In any case, it's causing friction between us. I feel bad that I can just eat regular food and still lose weight. I feel like she is angry with me because I can. She used to be like that, it's just suddenly she's put on a little weight and well, I feel really guilty. I mean I feel guilty because I'm losing weight and she isn't. There have been many times before when she was in the zone and losing, while I was steadily gaining. I know how it feels, but I also know, just like she used to know, that I can't do it for her. Even if we just sit around and eat cottage cheese all day, I can't do it for her. I hate feeling helpless and I hate seeing someone I love feel bad because of a few extra pounds. I know how powerful food is.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter if you celebrate. Take care!

Big Hugs,

T

What I need...

That's right, I want a clean slate, a fresh start. Do you ever feel that way? Yesterday I had court and had to see my ex. That is never a fun experience for me. It's over now though and that is what I need to concentrate on. What bothers me the most about having gone through this whole court battle with him is that, in the end, things are pretty much the same as they were before, only now I have a lot less money, because I had to pay a lawyer to represent me for a year and really, not much has changed.

This does not surprise me. My ex husband seriously could have had a conversation with me and we could have avoided all this useless expense and trouble. But he and I can barely speak to one another. He is the kind of person who can't tell the truth, even when the truth is more interesting, he'll spin a tale. It was exhausting being married to that man. Anyway, it's over. I'm lucky...I'm in a good marriage, my husband treats me and my children great. We have all that we need and more, so what is this clean slate I'm talking about?

I want a clean slate from the old way of thinking, the kind of faulty reasoning that actually made me believe yesterday that the contempt charges that man filed might actually amount to something. The thinking that makes it so difficult for me to talk rationally about things that are close to my heart. The kind of thinking that makes me scared of the stupidest things. The kind of thinking that keeps me tied to old ways and beliefs.

My slate has been cleaned many times over and on most days it looks pretty good, the writing on it is fresh and new, but on some days you can see the old writing underneath. Yesterday was one of those days. So today, I've got the spray cleaner and a fresh towel. Here's to each day bringing the opportunity to start over.

Big Hugs!

T

Oh Monday...you've come too soon!

I hate it when that happens! The weekend went way too fast for me. It was nothing spectacular, kind of low keyed, and just what I needed. Friday I went to my son's track meet, that's always fun. Saturday the hubs and I ran some errands, had a nice lunch together and just kind of hung out at home. Sunday, more of the same. I finished the crab painting for my friend's boat house and we ordered some boiled crawfish and ate those last night. It was a nice quiet weekend. On the band front, I have had great restriction, but my super tightness has eased up a little, thank goodness. I had to take antibiotics this week and had my first experience with the liquid stuff, no wonder my kids complained so much when they were little, yuck! And I'm not joking when I tell you the bottle was as big as my shoe! I'm so lucky, my OB/Gyn has the band too. She is a friend of mine and she was one of the reasons I got my band. She looks amazing. Anyway, she just had all the fluid removed from her band, because she couldn't eat or drink without pain. She said it was from a marathon weekend of boozing and eating bad (her words not mine.) She has a 4cc band and says even with no fluid she has pretty decent restriction. Tomorrow is my court date for the ongoing saga with my ex. Once again I'm apprehensive. I hate being in the same room with him. Anyway, that's about it. I'm swamped at work so I better get to it, instead of blogging. Happy Monday, Big Hugs! T

59 Baby!

As of this morning 59 pounds gone! So, for your viewing pleasure: a couple of things that weigh 59 pounds! Yay, so glad to finally see the scale moving. Good things are on the horizon. Happy, happy weekend to all!

Big Hugs!

T

Wow, the journal post...

Okay guys, here it is...I wrote yesterday about how I found my journal from a couple of years ago. I made a collage with the pictures, the first one was taken at my Aunt's house in the summer of 1977, I was about to enter High School. I was clowning around with my Aunt and posing for her. I remember when I got the picture back I picked it apart, I obsessed about how far my stomach stuck out and how big my thighs were...if only I had those problems now!

click on the pic to enlarge

The second photo was taken in December of 2004, I was 41 and was separated from my husband for just two months, I was in New Orleans for the weekend, singing karoke with some friends and I remember being happy that I had lost about 15 pounds....Yikes! The third photo was me 2 weeks ago, I'm 48 and still singing karaoke at girls night in. Notice a pattern? The journal entry that went with the first two pictures was very interesting to me, I talked about how I had made great improvement in other areas of my life, but was still unable to conquer my food issues. I wrote: "So, here's the breakdown, I am no longer in a life-threatening, emotionally dangerous marriage, I quit smoking and have not started again, I have gained some weight back but am still quite a bit down from my heaviest, overall...I'm in a pretty good place, but I just can't seem to get to a place with my food issues that I have gotten to in other areas." I wrote more about my feelings toward food and then I wrote this: "Okay-I'm going to write this down, I'll speak it if I must, but I'm going to get this out there...I am afraid to be a thin woman! I don't know how to live successfully as a thin woman. I guess the pay off for me is that being fat is easy. I know how to lose weight and I know how to exercise and live a healthy lifestyle. I actually enjoy a healthy lifestyle, but I always sabotage myself. I'm afraid to be successful in that area. I'm afraid to be without the crutch of this fat body that has been my solace and refuge for so long. I promise myself today that I will devote myself to unearthing these feelings that make it less painful to live as an obese woman than to live as an average woman!" When I began reading my journal, it made me uncomfortable, those feelings were so raw and so desperate, I remember them very well. Sometimes I wonder if, with enough therapy, I would have been able to overcome my food addictions and attain a normal weight without weight loss surgery. On most days, I'm honest enough with myself to say no. I don't think so. My need and desire to medicate myself with food was so enmeshed in my lifestyle that there were very few moments in a day that I was not thinking of overeating if I wasn't already overeating. I feel like the band has given me an edge in my fight against food. I was forced to learn to deal with feelings and emotions without food as my buffer, because... I could not binge to avoid it. I'm so glad I did it. Today I feel a sense of freedom that had eluded me for many years. I always felt tied to my drug (food) and tied to my short comings (my fat). I'm glad to say that I feel like I can do this, I really feel like I can do this. I don't know why in the big scheme of things that this is the journey that I was meant to take, but I know that the things I have been through, the understanding that I have gained, have been for a reason. I hope someday to really fully understand it all. Thank you for sharing in my joys, my pains, my moments of discovery. You are such a part of my progress, I'm thankful each day for the friendships I have made through this blog. Big Hugs! T

Being tight has its rewards...

Happy to report another pound down. I'll take it! I can hardly believe that I am just 2 pounds from 60 down and less than ten from onederland! I am pleased with my progress no matter how slow it is. Although I've had some freaky tightness the last couple of days, this is the first time that an uncooperative band has resulted in a loss, so...yay for the loss.

In other news, my husband is crazy!

And, yesterday I went to group therapy. I had been in therapy for a couple of years after my divorce and had gone to group therapy weekly for close to two years. It was a great experience for me and I really learned a great deal. Now the center has started a maintenance group for people who have graduated from the other program, kind of a continuing education program, it's just 90 minutes once a month. I went last night and it was a great experience, although quite different from the experience I had in group before. No one in this group is really in crisis, we are all just living and trying to implement what we learned when we were in crisis. It was so refreshing. I think I needed the experience to let me see just how far I've come. I grabbed my old journal out of my desk drawer at work when I was on my way out the door, a journal I haven't looked in in 2 years. When I opened it, I was surprised to see two pictures of myself. One picture is me at 14 or 15 years old, posing in a bikini top and a pair of shorts, the second is me singing karaoke at The Cat's Meow in New Orleans and I can't tell you how shocked I was by the former. I plan to scan them and blog about my feelings tomorrow. In any case, I had the pictures in there because at one point I had been journaling about my body issues, about coming to grips with my food addiction and about forgiving myself for destroying my body, a precious gift that I never had an appreciation for. I feel really good about where I am at this point in my life. I feel like I have made great strides and although I had to get an appliance installed in my gut to help me to get my food issues under control, I have still done a great deal on my own and I'm proud of myself. I still struggle with self acceptance, but looking back on my old journal, I realize just how far I have come. I'm thankful for that, I'm thankful for you all, because you have helped me grow through your support and shared wisdom. What a blessing.

I hope you all have a wonderful day!

Big Hugs!

T

Weekend recap, and the vice grip I call my band!

Howdy folks! I just loved this picture, even though it's Migraine Barbie, just picture the vice a little lower down on the throat for my purposes!

My weekend was crazy busy, Friday we had our school auction for my youngest son. It was fun, busy, but fun and we raised $80,000.00 for the school! Saturday evening, we went to a shrimp boil and enjoyed a wonderful evening at our friend's boat house, great food, great atmosphere and great company! My band was so cooperative that night, I barely ate during the day but that night, miraculously I was able to eat a bit of everything (sadly that included 440 calories worth of coconut pecan cookies!) but it was great. Sunday morning, I woke very early because my boys had to serve at church at 7:30. As always on the mornings they serve, we went to McDonald's after to pick up breakfast. I usually don't eat in the mornings until 9:30 or 10, because I'm tight, I'll enjoy my coffee then eat later on. Now looking back, I realize that I didn't have my coffee for one thing and secondly, I decided I would try to eat at 8:45, these were both mistakes. As soon as I realized I couldn't eat, I stopped, but it set the stage for a day of misery for me, that along with the fact, that the night before I overindulged. Has anyone else noticed that when you over do it one day, the next day you're super tight? Well, it's a pattern for me. Anyway, I was stuck early on in the day, I just waited it out and it passed and I napped. I tried to drink a glass of milk at lunch time, stuck, later on I got stuck on water, then on a bit of wine (trying to prime the band) stuck on warm tea, stuck on water, stuck on ice cream, I threw up several times last night and was really hurting. I was really thirsty and hungry and feeling very sorry for myself....(another pattern!) Anyway, today I'm better, still very sore, but able to drink water and coffee this morning. I'm sticking to liquids and mushies today and hopefully things will be back to normal soon. I will, one day learn how to avoid days like that. I hope. I know that when I am having a day like that, I shouldn't try even ice cream, just try to sip water...slowly! It's frustrating and it really brings out the whiny baby in me, but it is a small price to pay for all the rewards that the band has brought me. It feels good today to be on the smoother side of things. I hope you all have a wonderful day and a great week ahead of you!

Big Hugs!

T

Jenny came a callin'

And she fixed my blog all pretty! Thanks Jenny!!! I love my new digs! Happy Friday! T

My new Mantra....

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

kiss my ass,

I'm thin and tall!

Remember "fake it til you make it!"

Hugs,

T

What do you see?

It's been one of the hardest things about WLS...learning to see myself differently and learning to let others see what they see, instead of what I see. I don't know how to go about changing an area of my life that has taken decades to develop. I saw a comment on FB yesterday about how to be confident after a life changing weight loss, the comment said "fake it til you make it" a great quote from the 12 step programs, one that I have tried so many times to use. Some days I'm much better at faking it than others. Today is one of those days. I look at myself and I see a flawed me and find it difficult to look past the flaws. But, some days I look at myself and I feel confident and I feel worth it and I feel like my flaws are only a small part of the big picture. I want to strike a better balance, but I'm struggling with that. I know that so many of us are. I really struggle with feeling like I'm losing my identifying skin, my protection. I don't like feeling vulnerable. In other news....my band is performing so nicely right now. I haven't been getting stuck, I'm really concentrating on eating slowly and chewing and it's working well for me. I hope it continues. I feel good physically. I hope you all are doing well and have a great Wednesday! Big Hugs, T

A picture post from the weekend!

Girls night in was wonderful, we ate, drank and were quite merry! Enjoy the pics...

Jane and Nancy

Liz and Susan

Jane and Me Kisler and Amy Dawn and Jane (Jane is Dawn's mom) ...Karaoke queens Dawn and Me....singing "Bobby McGee" Amelia (My sister) and Carla

Susan, Amy and Kay

Liz and Carlyn

Beautiful sisters....Susan and Ginger

Marty, Carla and Dawn (Marty showing off my lighted reading glasses!)

Oh well, it's back to the grind...Happy Monday!

Big Hugs,

T

BYOC

BYOC is Bring Your Own Crazy…..5 little questions we answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break!Enjoy!! I don't know what's wrong with blogger today, but it's pissing me off, I have gone back in and edited this like 10 times and every time I publish the post, the spacing goes away and everything is all bunched up, so...Sorry it's hard to read and I'm mad! 1.Are you superstitious? Not really, I was when I was younger, but not really anymore. 2. You wouldn’t be caught dead where – wearing what? I don't wear shorts outside of my home. Ever. 3. What brand of perfume to you wear? Miracle by Lancome....delicious! 4. Name five non-human things that you love and why. 1.Chocolate! 2. "Modern Family" 3. my home 4. Wine 5. Butter . 5.Repeat question: In blogland, there have been a ton of reports of people struggling food wise and of people being too tight. Also, lot's of discussion about the long term success of the band, lots to think about. In real life: My hubby is out of town for a fishing tournament this weekend, I went to dinner with the girls last night for a birthday celebration and Saturday, girls night at my house. whoo hoo. I hope my liver can take it, lol! I'll be going to my son's track meet tonight and I suppose that's about it, spring has sprung down south and it's beautiful today! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, I'll post pics of the girls weekend. Big Hugs, T