Yeah, yesterday I cried like a baby. I was sad. I was sad because I'm impatient (by the way, thank you for all of the wonderful advice and supportive comments you left me yesterday!) I was sad because I'm hormonal and sad because I felt uncomfortable in my skin and sad because I feel like I'm on the verge. Yes, on the verge, but not necessarily on the verge of something good. Yesterday, I felt like I was on the verge of failure.
I tried to articulate all of these feelings with my husband last night as I cried on his shoulder. Like the good husband and friend that he is, he hid my scale for me last night. When he told me he had put it away, this wave of panic came over me that I was not prepared for. The disappointment of the day came rushing forward in the form of tears and they began to fall. I cried and cried for so many reasons, reasons I can identify and reasons I cannot. Today as I'm sitting at my desk thinking about the events of yesterday, thinking about the things I told my husband about my fears of failure, I'm once again overwhelmed. I feel uneasy and restless, I feel fat and I feel like I won't get past this...that this will be like all the other times. I know logically that, this is not like the other times. This time I have help, help from my band, help from a wonderful man, and help from you. I can't help but feel powerless though, the weight of my past failures is more than I can take sometimes.
I don't understand why some days I feel powerful and confident and feel like I'm going to conquer this once and for all and then in the same week I can have a day like yesterday, a day that consumes me. I want to be healthy and trim. I want this so badly, but I'm scared. I'm scared to fail and I'm scared to succeed. I'm scared to live as a normal person. I don't know how. I don't know how to be without my crutch, my excuse for why I'm not lovable my excuse for everything. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and know that there are bloggers who've gone before me, you've tasted success and all that it holds. I have to change me. I hope I can.
Thanks for listening to me.