LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Like a baby...


Yeah, yesterday I cried like a baby. I was sad. I was sad because I'm impatient (by the way, thank you for all of the wonderful advice and supportive comments you left me yesterday!) I was sad because I'm hormonal and sad because I felt uncomfortable in my skin and sad because I feel like I'm on the verge. Yes, on the verge, but not necessarily on the verge of something good. Yesterday, I felt like I was on the verge of failure.
I tried to articulate all of these feelings with my husband last night as I cried on his shoulder. Like the good husband and friend that he is, he hid my scale for me last night. When he told me he had put it away, this wave of panic came over me that I was not prepared for. The disappointment of the day came rushing forward in the form of tears and they began to fall. I cried and cried for so many reasons, reasons I can identify and reasons I cannot. Today as I'm sitting at my desk thinking about the events of yesterday, thinking about the things I told my husband about my fears of failure, I'm once again overwhelmed. I feel uneasy and restless, I feel fat and I feel like I won't get past this...that this will be like all the other times. I know logically that, this is not like the other times. This time I have help, help from my band, help from a wonderful man, and help from you. I can't help but feel powerless though, the weight of my past failures is more than I can take sometimes.
I don't understand why some days I feel powerful and confident and feel like I'm going to conquer this once and for all and then in the same week I can have a day like yesterday, a day that consumes me. I want to be healthy and trim. I want this so badly, but I'm scared. I'm scared to fail and I'm scared to succeed. I'm scared to live as a normal person. I don't know how. I don't know how to be without my crutch, my excuse for why I'm not lovable my excuse for everything. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and know that there are bloggers who've gone before me, you've tasted success and all that it holds. I have to change me. I hope I can.
Thanks for listening to me.
Big Hugs!
T

13 comments:

Angela said...

Hugs, shoulders, strength, hand holding, kisses, "its okay's", and love being sent to you.

Gwen said...

Big blogland hugs for you. I think everyone has those days. You'll get through it. As for a crutch, I think you're already working on the first steps of not needing it by feeling your feelings and expressing them to your husband and here. You're definitely on the verge of success. Hang in there!

Jen said...

I'm there with you, holding your hand. WE can do this!

amandakiska said...

Feel better!

Blossom said...

You are not alone. Everyone has ups and downs. I've been where you are. You can and will live as a normal person, whatever that means! Everyone gets a bit scared on this journey, wondering if they will make it and what will happen when they get to goal. But it will be fabulous, you'll see!

Lonicera said...

That's what's different this time: you're not alone. We all feel the same, you could have spoken for me. This isn't yet another slimming gimmick - the lapband is a new concept, and it works. Just not overnight, that's all. Sounds to me like your husband needs hugs from us as well, for being so supportive. I may not have been a BooB (!) and I haven't met you, but the feelings are just as sincere.
Caroline

Nicole said...

Hang in there! You can do this!! If I can you can

Joey said...

Awwww.... Don't be sad...ok? These plateaus really, really, really suck. And it's really, really, really hard to lose weight. But it can be done. It's hard not to be hard on yourself. I feel like a failure today because I gained a pound from yesterday and I'm 80% of the way there! Hello? Coo-coo bananas!
We'll do it together my gorgeous bronze goddess!

Jacquie said...

Awww....I wish I could give you a hug right now. I think we are all going through some variation of what you've just put into words. You are doing great and its not like all the other times...you know that. Anyone who says having WLS is the easy way out should be shot! It takes time but you will make it to the finish line Theresa and we will all be together...cheering each other on!

LDswims said...

(((((HUGS)))))

I am sorry you had a day of tears but I'm glad you have your husband and us. We are always here to remind you that yes, this journey is tough, but you are way tougher!

This journey seems daunting at times, when the scale doesn't act right and the measuring tape forgets the next inch down. But I can promise you that in spite of what you are getting in feedback, you are winning this battle.

I know you can do this. I know you can because you are. You won't lose this one. You've taken control in a manner that says "no joke" and it's for life, I believe.

So I'm sending all the hugs and support and love that I can.

(((((HUGS)))))

Cindylew said...

I'm giving you a big virtual squeeze my little Tessie. So sorry you're going through this but PLEASE know that you are not alone...we all feel this way and I find that woman of a certain age (like you and me sista) have these mood swings that feel like a roller coaster ride.
Hang in there and we'll hold each other's hand.

Maria said...

Hugs for you, Tess! Sometimes it's good to have a good cry. You can do this! We're all here with you!

Read said...

The thoughts of failure are frightening. The thoughts of success are frightening. The thoughts of living in a world in a way we've not done before is frightening. But this time IS different. You are different. You have all this support and love flowing towards you. You are being open and honest about your feelings and we are here to support you! Take a few deep breaths and take a small step and then another and another. Hugs to you!