Here are the things that are changing:
- my size
- the way people view me
- my clothes
- my attitude at times
- my eating habits
- my weight
Now here are the things that are staying the same:
- my view of my self
- my feelings of insecurity
- my attitude at times
- my need to be liked
I've blogged before about how difficult it is to deal with the changes of weight loss, particularly when you find it difficult to see much change in yourself. Recently, people have been complimenting me and telling me how they can really tell that I've lost weight. I know that I have lost weight, I've seen the number on the scale, I see the change in my clothes and all, but when I look in the mirror, I really don't see much difference from when I started. It's the curse that I suppose allowed me to get morbidly obese, to really not see yourself for what you are. I used to think I looked okay when I looked in the mirror, if my makeup was right and my hair was fixed, I would leave the house feeling good about myself until I would see a picture from that day or my reflection when I wasn't expecting it. When I would see my reflection, I would be stunned by my size and overwhelmed with this feeling of disbelief. Now, when I get ready, if my make up is right and my hair is fixed, I leave the house feeling good about myself, people say nice things to me, as they did 50 pounds ago. I go about my day feeling the same for the most part and still feeling the same size. I feel like, 50 pounds has made quite a difference in me and at the same time none at all. Sometimes, when I'm walking up to a store, I see my reflection and it catches me by surprise, I am shocked, that I don't look like the biggest person around. It's really difficult to reconcile these changes in my body with the lack of change in my brain.
Last night my husband and I had an uncomfortable conversation. He told me that I needed to change the way I think about myself and the way I talk about myself. He said that every conversation eventually makes its way around to me being the fat girl and that it upsets him, because he doesn't see me that way and neither do our friends. It's hard to explain to him or to anyone what it's like to live a great portion of your life a particular way and then suddenly be expected to change. As a very overweight woman, I was painfully aware of my place in the world. I always made jokes about myself and my weight, because I didn't want anyone thinking that I wasn't aware of my situation and I wanted to ease the tension by allowing people to laugh with me rather than at me. I felt overlooked on a daily basis. I felt out of control and I felt out of touch with my own femininity. There were moments when I felt so ashamed of myself because I had let myself get so big, there were moments when I felt that my only comfort could come from food, and that no person could truly understand what it was like to live inside my body and inside my head.
My life was punctuated by moments of hurt, and feelings of unworthiness and invisibility: from my first husband who said and did hurtful, demeaning things to me and repeatedly betrayed me. To friends, who after my marriage ended ,wanted to see me stay locked in my prison of fat and self doubt, because that was the most comfortable place for them to keep me. There were new relationships, where I tried to step out of my comfort zone and trust and things didn't turn out so well. So, now, as I'm making my way through this process of change, I find that I'm still chained to some of my old ways of thinking.
Sometimes, I look at the way my life is now and I still feel unworthy. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves. I want to be attractive to him. I want to be interesting to him, but I guess what I need most right now is to be attractive to me and interesting to me. I am so out of touch with the person that I used to be and with the person that I want to be. Change really is hard.
But it is Wednesday....Big hugs!