Friday, October 29, 2010
I was not an overweight youngster or teenager, so I can only imagine the pain that being ridiculed for your weight can cause a young child. I gained my weight at 25, as an adult. But as a woman who has been varying degrees of fat for the last 23 years, I have experience prejudice and cruelty, because of my weight. I do know that pain. This is something that I rarely talk about and really don't want people to know about. Hell, I'm guilty as well. I berate myself, I have been crueler to myself about my fat than I would ever tolerate from another.
The woman who wrote that article for Marie Claire, said that she has struggled with body image issues and recovered from anorexia. This woman has the same issues as I do, but they have manifested themselves differently. I remember when my weight first started spiraling out of control, when years of binging and starving finally caught up with me. I remember trying to make myself vomit, I remember trying to get past the sick feeling of hunger and get to the powerful feeling...I wanted another eating disorder than the one I had, because I felt like a failure even in my sickness. I felt like, at least the ones who are starving to death or puking til their teeth fall out get the help they need. Couldn't anyone see that we were all crazy? Couldn't anyone see that we were all dying, just a different type of death? Couldn't anyone just look at me and see that no one would choose to be this? Couldn't anyone besides me realize that the way I chose to kill myself was slow and painful....one bite at a time? Couldn't I just get skinny and well at the same time? Couldn't I just stay at my goal weight for more than an hour, just this once? Couldn't my therapist stop telling me that it's not about the food? Couldn't people just see that I am the same person, regardless of the coating around me? Couldn't this, couldn't that?
So much of my life has been spent obsessing about my issues with food, my weight, my body image. I have wasted so much of my life. It's painful being fat, I have a list of moments etched into my brain, moments were people have been cruel or moments when you realize, that even though you're the biggest thing in the room...you're invisible. I remember one incident particularly well, one of those defining moments. I was in the construction business, and we were doing a big project at a casino. One of my employees had broken a saw and needed me to bring another one to the job site. I got it and wrestled it to my car, this is a big saw, a sliding chop saw. And, I'm in a dress mind you, I pull up to the casino (it's a riverboat) and they won't let me drive over the bridge area to get close, so I call my employee to come with a cart. I can't reach him and I have to be at a sales meeting with a potential customer soon after this. So, I decide to try to carry the saw. I get it out of the car and I start hauling it. As I'm walking across the area, there are about 15 men eating or smoking off to the side and not a single one of them offered to help me. By the time I got half way there, my employee called me back and then came to meet me, he took the saw and looked at me and said, I can't believe no one over there helped you. I couldn't even respond. When I was walking back to my car I saw 2 of the men hop up to open the door for a skinny woman who was walking up carrying a poster board. When I got to my car, I cried and I cried. Never before had it been so clear to me what the world really thought of me. The world, that didn't know me, the world that did not give me the opportunity to talk my way into their hearts, the real world...and it sucked!
The woman who wrote this article said that she thought people of all sizes and shapes should be represented on TV in in magazines, but that the couple on Mike and Molly weren't just overweight, but morbidly obese (more than 100 pounds overweight) and that it was time to address how unhealthy that is. I know it is not healthy to be 100 pounds overweight, been there! But I also know that it is not healthy to be Anorexic or Bulimic. I also know that everyone, regardless of size, deserves to feel loved and respected.
The other thing she said that really pissed me off was; that if someone wanted to know how to lose weight, that she'd be happy to give them some healthy eating and exercise tips! Really? I know how to lose weight, always have, but knowing and doing are quite different. Just as I'm sure she knew how to not starve herself, but couldn't quit doing it. I guess what upsets me the most about the prejudices that accompany being fat is that often times people think if you're fat, you're lazy, stupid and weak. I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy and I'm certainly not weak! I know how to lose weight! You know, my husband uses tobacco, he knows it's bad for him, he knows he should stop, but he can't right now, does that make him lazy, stupid or weak? No, he's a hard worker, he's smart and strong, but he's addicted to tobacco. I know lots of people who have addictions and other issues, who are not stupid, lazy or weak, but troubled and addicted.
All I know for sure is that, my relationship with food for the past 30 years has been less than healthy and I no longer want to live the way I have been living. I don't want to be fat, I'm glad I got a tool to help me in my struggle to level the playing field in my fight against obesity. Do I think that suddenly when I'm thin I'll be smarter, stronger, less lazy? Do I think that I'll be a better person because I can shop in a normal store? I have mixed emotions when I think about what my life will be like as a "normal" sized woman. Sometimes I still get angry when I think about the way people have judged me without even knowing me. I hope I enjoy being there when I get there, but I don't know if I will.
All I do know is that I'm glad it's Friday and I'm glad I've got you guys!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
And, thank you all for the wonderful comments about my comparison photos yesterday. Everyone was so sweet. It was really hard to put that awful picture of myself out there. But, it's me. I'm not ashamed of where I've been, I'm just glad I'm on my way out. I had to laugh when people said that I didn't look like I had 53 pounds left to loose. It's because I was doing the Amy W. pose, it takes at least 10 pounds off of a girl, unfortunately I haven't figured out a way to comfortably stay in that position all day!
I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support base. Thank you for all that you are to me!
Big Hugs and spooky stuff!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hope you are having a cooler one than me!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, my son had a middle school dance, so I had to bring him and pick him up, so not much else took place, no cocktail, when you have to tote kids around. Saturday, we went to a wonderful cocktail party and then to a friends house for a little more cocktail. I was having a bad food day, so I was sick several times during the day, wine went down fine though, so Sunday...a bit of a headache!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Yeah, no hernia, just some scar tissue. It was quite interesting when I went for the ultrasound yesterday. The tech asked me to show her where on my abdomen I felt the area in question. I lifted my shirt and showed her, she saw my scars and said, "so you had surgery?" My reply, "yes almost 7 months ago." She starts with the ultrasound and suddenly this look comes accross her face and she's trying to look calm, I can tell. She moves the wand several different ways, she turns the screen away from me, then she finally says, "what kind of surgery did you have?" I said, "I have a Lap Band." She then makes a huge sigh and says,"Thank God, I thought they left something in there after surgery!" It was funny and then the Radiologist came in and looked too, my port was cool looking and she said she's glad to know how well it shows up on ultrasound, because they usually do fills under x-ray when they have trouble locating a port, but she said this would be so much easier. Hmmm. Anyway, my port was attached perfectly flat on my abdominal wall and there was no scar tissue on my abdominal wall, actually it was between the fat layers and the muscle. Strange, but I'm glad it's nothing.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. Big Hugs!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Flash forward 6 years:
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the life I have now. I'm married to a wonderful man who loves me and my children. My children are safe and happy. I live in a beautiful home. I have a great job, I have great friends....and I have taken the steps to get my weight under control, permanently.
Wow! I can't believe how much things have changed and how much I've changed.
Have a great day!
Monday, October 18, 2010
I hope all of you had a great weekend, I did, but it was way too action packed, not much in the line of rest going on. Have a great Monday! And thanks for being such a great source of support for me!
Friday, October 15, 2010
I wasn't fat, but I was tall. That's me all the way to the right. I was 5 years old, the little blond girl was my best friend, she and I are the same age, the girl between us is her older sister, she's 7 and the baby in the pool is 2. Just to put things in perspective. I was tall, the tallest kid in my class until the 7th grade, when 2 boys finally passed me up. I was 5'8" in the 7th grade. I always felt big, even though I was thin until I was 25, I always felt like the biggest thing in the room. Generally, I was. My first grade teacher was a tiny little nun, who was the same height as me. I was 6. I remember having conversations with my mom about being so big and wondering if I would ever stop growing or if I'd have to settle for life in the Circus. She was tall too and would always tell me that one day I'd be thankful I was tall (yeah, when the BMI chart came out!) Seriously, she was right. I'm glad I'm tall. I'm glad that I passed that gene on to my tall sons, I just wish that I'd had a greater appreciation for my height when I was younger. I was never very athletic, I was always and still am a bit of a spaz. I grew really fast as a kid, which did not lend itself to great coordination and athletic prowess. I remember always getting picked first for basketball and other sports, only to disappoint my teammates. Bad athletes do come in big packages.
My height, though it was tough as a child, was not what lead to my weight problem. My weight problem was a direct result of my self medicating with food. After my parents died, what brought me the most comfort was food. I ate in secret, I ate around others, I ate myself into a full blown morbidly obese woman. So, I don't know the pain of being an overweight child, but I do know the pain of being a child who's lonely and scared and struggling to fit in. And I certainly know the pain of being an overweight grown up. I think we all know that one.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Either way, I'm feeling better today, much better. I hope all of you are doing well too. Again, thanks for your support, I don't know what I'd do without you!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Okay so, all the complaining in the world is not going to change things, so here is my plan. I'm going to ask my husband to remove the scale from the bathroom for 1 week (I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it!) I'm going to start walking again and I'm going to concentrate on getting more protein at meals. I will weigh and take measurements again next week. I need a lesson in patience, so there. Any advice on how you get through this sort of thing would be appreciated. Have a great day guys! Big Hug!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
not quite the same!
Friday, October 1, 2010
1.Are you late, early or on time?
I am early or on time, I hate to be late and I hate it when others are late, especially if they don't call to tell me.
2. Name 3 things you dislike and 3 things you like:
Waking up when I don't want to
3. Are you a morning or night person?
I don't like to wake up in the morning sometimes, but the older I get the more I like the morning. If it's after dark and I sit still for more than a few minutes, I want to go to sleep.
4. What is your favorite clothes store?
CATO. It has inexpensive clothes, but they are stylish and they have plus sizes and regular sizes with accessories in the middle. One day I too will veer to the right!!
Other than that, I can't believe it's already Friday! I plan to sleep late tomorrow and then clean house like Martha Stewart's coming to visit! Happy weekend guys!