Monday why did you come so soon?

It's Monday and I'm so tired. I'm just physically and mentally worn out. Today is one of those days when I just wish I could still be in bed and it's noon. I have a whole bunch of my day still ahead of me.

On Friday we had visitation for my cousin, so as soon as I got home I whipped up supper for the kids and went to the funeral home for a couple of hours. Then Saturday, we had more visitation and then the funeral, the eulogy went very well and I was honored to have been asked to speak at the funeral. It was a beautiful service, but it's just so sad. Then after the funeral, off to my sister's to wait for everyone to come eat. We have a huge family, my cousin who passed is my cousin on my Dad's side, my Dad was one of 9 children and my cousin was one of 11 children, I have 26 first cousins on that side of the family. My oldest first cousin is 82 and I'm the youngest at 48, we cover a lot of ground. He was buried in our family cemetery that is in a very rural area. So, my sister and I had lots of time to get things ready for all the people who would be coming later. Lot's of people showed up and it turned into an all day event.

I had to leave a around 5, because after all that, my husband and I had a Mardi Gras cocktail party to attend. It was fun, but I was just not in a very good mood to be going to a party. One thing I must say, is that when you are normally a very jovial person who's expected to be the life of the party, people notice if you're not all happy. One of my friends actually looked at me and said, you're grouchy, and I was. I guess I should be sorry for raining on other's parade, I just was having a very sad day and you know, I think I'm entitled every once in a while to just feel the way I feel. I am not entitled however to be rude to my husband just because I was not feeling chipper, and I was. I'm sorry for that. Anyway, we ended up having fun.

Sunday, my boys had to serve at 7:30 mass, so I was up and at it early. It was my husband's birthday, our birthdays are 2 days apart. I tried to nap before noon, that didn't work out too well and then I got up and fixed tacos for him, his favorite meal. We had a nice day, it was quiet, but nice. We sat in the hot tub and relaxed and then went to bed. I was really tired, and fell asleep right away, but I woke up and had trouble getting back to sleep and didn't sleep well the rest of the night. I don't know what's up with me lately but I just don't sleep well anymore. I guess that's old age. Tonight, I'm going to take a Tylenol PM and hope for some real rest.

So, that about covers the Monday morning Debbie Downer post. I hope everyone is doing well. Have a great day.
T

BYOC

BYOC….

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?

• I don't know about that. I think that some people have an instant connection. I felt that when I met my husband, but I don't know if I'd call it love at first sight.

2. What's your idea of a romantic evening?

• Dinner out and a glass of wine by the fire after.

3. Who was your first crush?

• Too many to recall, but some of the more notable celebrity crushes were: Jan Michael Vincent, David Cassidy and Vince Van Patton, I had "Tiger Beat" magazines everywhere!

4. What do you believe is a stronger emotion – love or hate?

• I think that love and hate are so closely related it's hard to separate them. I just think that love is the better of the two. The passion you feel with both emotions can be overwhelming. Hate can cause people to lose sight of reality to go against the basic rules of civilization, so can love. A woman who hates her husband so much that she runs him down in a parking lot and a woman who sacrifices her own life to save the life of her child defy reason.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blogland and in real life.

• The outpouring of love and support for Barbara has been beautiful and a real testament to the bonds that we have formed here. I can't quit thinking about Barbara, my heart hurts for her.

• In my life, my first cousin died also and I have been asked to do his Eulogy. I'm honored and a little nervous. He was a wonderful man and I loved him dearly! I've spent a great deal of time over the last couple of days reflecting on life in general. Today is my 48^th birthday and I'm not feeling particularly old…a little hung over, but not too old. I think we are so lucky to have each other. I've been very emotional and hormonal lately and my husband has had Hell with me. I don't know how to change that about myself, I know I'm being ugly and hard to live with but I can't help it. Why do I have to be crazy? Other than that, I'm just totally busy with work and Mardi Gras, it's all too much. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

Big Hugs,

T

Barbara, we love you!

Barbara "My New Life Rules" lost her husband Mark. My heart breaks for her and her family. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers. Barbara, please know that we care deeply for you and I hope that knowing that will bring you comfort. God be with you!
Big Hugs,
T

40 vs 48

On the left is me at 40, on the right is me last month.

In 2 days, I turn 48....I'll take 48 over 40 any day!

I told you a few days ago about the funk I was in from looking at old pictures of myself, how sad it was to see how I'd let myself go. Friday I'll be 48 and you know what? It doesn't hurt, at all. I wouldn't go back. I'm so much healthier now, I'm so much happier now. Most of the people in my life are happier too. I say, bring it on 48, I can take it! I feel certain that when I'm 49, I'll be able to show you all a picture of myself at my goal weight, feeling even better about myself than I do today. Many great things come with getting older, one of them is knowing the significance of the layout of a car...the reason the rear view mirror is so much smaller than the windshield is because what's ahead of you is so much more important than what's behind you.

Today, I'm grateful for the place I'm in right now, and I'm looking forward to what's ahead. Happy Wednesday!

Big Hugs!

T

A little bit of Mardi Gras in my life!

Happy Monday everyone. I hope you had a nice weekend, mine was fabulous, although busy, busy. I've been nominated for a couple of nice blog awards and I promise I'll give those my attention soon. You've all been asking for some Mardi Gras pictures when the time comes, so I thought I'd share a little bit from Mardi Gras past. Enjoy!

This is the King and Queen of Krewe du Lac 2 years ago.


Mardi Gras 2009, my brother-in-law was a Duke and he works in Africa,
thus our outfits.

Mardi Gras 2010 John was Stu from "The Hangover"

Mardi Gras 2008 We were a Redneck wedding, I was the bride big and pregnant!

Mardi Gras 2008 we were Dog the Bounty Hunter and Beth, that's our TV crew.

John & I on the float before the parade.

I hope everyone has a great day! Big Hugs,

T

BYOC

It's Friday – so it's BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. 5 questions you can copy and paste into your blog to give your brain a break and to get to know each other better!



1. For $50,000 – would you go without brushing your teeth, showering or wearing deodorant for 3 months?

Not no, but Hell no! There are few things that I hate worse than being dirty. I can hardly watch westerns, gladiator movies or pirate movies, because they are dirty, especially the teeth, I can't concentrate on the movie because I'm so grossed out!

2. Is it harder to tell someone you love them or harder to tell someone you don't love them back?
It's very easy for me to tell people that I love just how I feel about them, it would be harder for me to tell someone I don't love them.

3. What is on your bedside table?
Two cell phones, a decorative box, a book, hand lotion, foot cream a huge hospital glass of water, a book and my blood pressure medicine. When people come over, I put most of it into the decorative box…clever huh?

4. If you could be invisible, who would you kiss?
There's no one I would want to kiss if they couldn't see me, that just doesn't sound fun to me. However, there might be a few that I'd like to listen in on and maybe take a peek at in the buff.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blog land and real life.
Well, I'm still pissed that Draz has no hail damage or speed bumps on her thighs. I love reading everyone's blogs, I got an award from Lisa, I got gloves in the mail from Tina and last night I got texts from Joey!!! Talk about make a girl feel good. I love how we can all be there for each other. Some of us have never even met and we still care about each other.

In my life: Mardi Gras is gearing up, I have so much to do and a party or two every weekend. I ordered the perfect pair of shoes to go with my ball gown, they didn't fit, I have skinny feet, WTH? My son stayed home from school for 3 days sick and went alone to the Dr., he got weak after getting a couple of shots and passed out, whacked his head really good and scraped his back all up, that sucks, I knew I should have taken off work to go with him! Sunday will be the 34^th anniversary of my Mom's death, I can't believe she's been gone so long, I always get nostalgic and a little melancholy this time of year, I just realized, it's this time of year. This weekend the hubs and I have no kids, we are entertaining on Saturday, it's going to be another busy weekend, I hope I get to sleep somewhere along the way.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! Big Hugs!

T

Time for a heart to heart!

It's time to have one of those talks with myself. You know the one, the one that goes like this...

Self: Look, you and I both know that you are not hungry, this is all in your head.

Self: Yeah, but for some reason I really want to eat, you know like the good old days.

Self: The good old days? Are you high, what was good about them? Sure you could eat with wild abandon, but it was always followed by the awful remorse, the shame, the sugar hang over.

Self: I know you're right, that's why we got the lap band, so that we could have some help when things got like this. Why do they still have to get like this.?

Self: Because, we're only human. Everyone has those times when we're scared or sad or lonely or angry or any emotion that we don't want to feel, it's only natural to reach for the old favorite anesthesia. We'll get past this.

Self: What if we don't what if it's bigger than us, what if we can't stop ourselves and we start to binge again, what then?

Self: Again, that's why we got the lap band remember? Remember the last time we thought we could "binge" yeah, not so much. Pearl has our back.

Self: You're right, I just feel a little out of sorts, I'm sure it's hormones.

Self: Isn't it always hormones? Hang in there, tomorrow will be better.

Self: Yeah, you're right. I'm glad half of us is sensible.

Self: Me too, we can do this, just read the blogs of others, they've felt the same way, they got through it too. It's not the end of the world if we eat a few chips, count it, plan for it. Big changes can be made one little step at a time.

We feel better now, how about you? One step closer to Friday, can't wait.

Big Hugs,

T

Better day, and a prize in the mail!

Thanks for all of your comments to boost my crappy mood. It's so nice to know that I've got folks out there who've got my back! Thank you for that. I realize that when I get my feelings hurt it's a cumulative thing and that once I'm in that mode, the next person to come upon me, need only look at me funny and I'm hurt. Add this to the list of many things that I need to work on!

Yesterday was a crazy busy day, and I was stressed, stressed = super tight for me. Yesterday, I PB'd 3 times. It took me all day to eat 1 chicken strip and last night I actually got stuck on and PB'd mashed potatoes. Today, I'm still very tight and it's been difficult to eat anything. Last week I was wide open, could have eaten anything I wanted and actually told my husband I thought I needed a fill, funny how things change. Today I'm thinking that if I had a fill, I probably wouldn't be able to drink water.

Okay, so anyway...yesterday I'm having this absolutely crazy day and have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I get home last night at 7:30 with take out for my kids and on the counter is a package for me! I love to get packages, it's from Tina and it's fingerless gloves that she knitted for me! They are a beautiful green and I'm actually wearing them right now and typing, love them! Thank you Tina!!! Tina had a give-away on her blog and I was one of the lucky winners. Talk about make my day.

I have another busy weekend ahead of me, such a busy time of year. I hope everyone is doing well. Again, thanks for all the support you guys give me. It's humpday! Yippee!
Big Hugs,
T

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens....

bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
brown paper packages tied up with string,
these are a few of my favorite things.

And here are a few of my not so favorite things...

• being told to be quiet
• being told not to eat something or that I shouldn't have eaten something
• someone who says "we" thinking you don't know they mean you
• feeling inadequate
• being laughed at, when I don't think it's funny
• having my feelings hurt
• being the kind of person who lets these things bother her

I just needed to get those things off of my chest. I may look like an ox on the outside, but on the inside...I'm fragile. Not always, but often times, I'm fragile. I hate even writing that down. I think that part of the difficulty of my size is that it truly belies my interior, that at times is child-like and bruises easily.

I really am having a wonderful day, but some events from the weekend have made me stop and think about a few things. Emotionally I have made great strides in some areas, in others not so much. The above would fall into the "not so much" category.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Happy Monday folks!

Big Hugs,

T

PS

Milk & Noodles is noodles in milk with butter and salt & pepper. It's kind of like mac and cheese minus the cheese. Weird, I know.

I'm having a BYOC block!

I copy and paste... I stare at the words....I can't seam to do BYOC, sorry Draz. The same thing happened to me last week. Today I started doing it and I really freaked out trying to narrow down the last meal question, there's something wrong with me. My husband and I had this discussion recently on a long car trip. He asked me what my last meal would be, his would be tacos. Then I just couldn't get over the fact that he would choose tacos...he's like...I love tacos, get over it. Some of my very best times with my husband have been in the car on long trips, the parts when I'm actually awake that is. We have wonderful conversations and he just makes me laugh. A couple of years ago we drove to Ohio when his mom passed away. When we got there, he was exhausted from the drive and had to go nap, I stayed up all night with his sister talking, because I had just slept for like 17 hours straight. I guess we didn't do much talking on that trip.

My husband is a Midwesterner and I'm a Southerner, (Cajun if you will) we grew up eating very different types of food. The things that are comfort foods to me are much different than the foods that are comfort foods to him. Rice and gravy is the gold standard in Louisiana, everything has rice and gravy with it. My husband grew up eating mashed potatoes, noodles and lots of sweet corn. It's funny how we have merged our little food worlds together. Last night we had one of his comfort foods...that is quickly becoming one of mine. Maple/Honey pork links cooked in Sauerkraut served over mashed potatoes. The first time he ate that in front of me I nearly died, now it's delicious to me, who'd have thunk it. And my man gladly eats gumbo with potato salad right in the bowl. I still haven't learned to love milk and noodles yet, but maybe one day.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, we have a dinner party on Saturday and then all the Mardi Gras balls start. Lots to do, lots of fun. Did I mention that Vickie and her sweet husband John are coming for one of our Mardi Gras balls? How excited am I? This will be my 3rd visit with Vickie. It's amazing to me that I have met such wonderful people through Pearl (my band) and through this blog. What a difference you have all made in my life. Thank you. I hope you all have a great weekend.
Big Hugs!
T

Finally the scale threw me a bone!

I've been trying to be a big girl about it, but frustration was making its way back into my life. Finally the scale moved a little, I'll take 2 pounds in a heart beat. I've said it before, I shall say it again, I don't care how long it takes me to get there, as long as I get there. Now, I'm more than half way to my goal. 48 pounds to go sounds so manageable to me. I can't remember the last time I felt so confident about reaching my goal. When I stop and break things down, I'm so hopeful...when I lose half of what I have left...I'll only be 24 pounds overweight! That just baffles me. I'm excited and it lights a little fire in me to think about my goals on a smaller scale.

In other news, my restriction is strange. Some days I can barely eat and some days I could eat my shoe if I put my mind to it. I realize that I'm dealing with head hunger much more than I have before and I need to address it and put a plan into action. I've been tracking my food and I think that's a good place to start. I really need to exercise more, but hate the cold weather and it makes me a total slug (not excuses you say...I'm sorry, have we met?) I have some horrifying before pictures to post soon and I will. Things are crazy busy at work and I haven't had time to blog much, things should even out soon. Today I register my baby for HIGH SCHOOL! I have a lump in my throat, how did this happen? Also, in the "how did this happen department" I'm turning 48 this month. I have no doubt that I will reach my goal of being fit when I turn 50. I have a 30 year class reunion this summer and I'm not even freaking out about it, I'm actually looking forward to it.

Wow, that was long, if you're still here...I hope you have a wonderful day!

Big Hugs,

T

Monday....and my word for the year!

Good Monday Morning. I hope everyone had a wonderful relaxing weekend. Mine was fun, not exactly relaxing, but fun.


Last year I chose trust for my word of the year. I wanted to trust myself, trust my band, trust the process and I have to say that I did. I've been thinking a great deal about what word I would like to have to guide me through the year 2011. And I've decided on

gumption
definition:
initiative, aggressiveness, resourcefulness, courage, spunk, guts

Hey, it's not very glamorous, but it's what I need to get through the second phase of this journey. I have been at the same weight, give or take a pound for a month now. For the most part I'm eating right. (Key words here...."for the most part") I need to really give this my all if I want to see the kind of results that I want to see. I need to get off my butt and sweat. This, I know....this I haven't been doing. So today I'm asking myself for a little gumption. I want this, I really do. I know that I can have this, I'm half way there. I can get the rest of the way there, but it's likely going to take a little more effort than I've been putting forth. I've got spunk, I've got guts....I just need to excavate them. Onward folks!
Big Hugs!
T

Today is 12th Night

Twelfth night is today, the Epiphany which signals the end of the Christmas season and the beginning of the Mardi Gras season. I live in Louisiana so Mardi Gras is a big deal here. The season runs from 12th night until the day before Ash Wednesday, Mardi Gras is French for "Fat Tuesday!" The Mardi Gras season is filled with Balls, parades, lots of food and drink, it's the splurge before the fasting of the Lenten Season.

Last year, Mardi Gras for me was stressful, finding ball dresses and cocktail dresses is not fun when you are huge. This year, I'm halfway to my goal. I'm not concerned about gaining weight this season and I am looking forward to wearing some beautiful ball gowns. Have I told you lately that I love my band?

Have a great day!

Big Hugs!

T

Don't know how to put it...

I'm having one of those days...a day where I'm feeling a little off kilter, kind of blue, but not really and well...I don't know how to put it in words. I feel a little bit sad, but not really, I feel a little bit nostalgic and weepy. Yeah, that's it and though I know much of this is hormone driven, apparently this feeling began day before yesterday when I was dusting pictures in a cabinet in my hallway. My son's latest football picture is without a frame, so I opened the cabinet below to see if there was a frame down there. In the cabinet was a basket with a bunch of pictures in it. I took it out and sat on my bed, I started going through the pictures. First of all, I love pictures, secondly, I lost most of my pictures in the Hurricane Rita flood. I think I blogged about this before, but when I lost all of my pictures of my children when they were small, I was so hurt, I felt like I wouldn't have those memories and all, but little by little, friends and relatives started giving me pictures of my children, they would say..."I was cleaning out a drawer and I had doubles of these" Slowly, I gathered pictures of my kids when they were small, those pics were in this basket, along with pictures that my ex-husband had found in our old house, pictures of me from college. So here I am, looking at these pictures of me in college as a young, very thin woman with my whole life ahead of me. Then there are pictures of my babies and of me as a very fat, very unhealthy looking, very unhappy woman. It was painful, my husband came in the room and he was looking at them too. I was so embarrassed. I can't help but wonder how I became that woman. How did that happen to me? My husband was looking at a very fat picture of me and he said you look so much better now, not just better as in prettier, but better as in healthier. It was true, I was not the same person then, I was killing myself...one bite at a time. Now when I think back to that time in my life, I have trouble believing that my life is the way it is now, I'm so much better, I'm so much healthier and for sure...I'm so much happier. A picture is worth a thousand words...true. I will share some of them with you soon. I hope everyone has a great day.
Big Hugs,
T

Out of the weight closet....

Thanks for all of the support when I made my debut on the outside of the weight closet. When my husband read my blog this morning, he said...."that's it? sort of anti climactic." And, I guess he has a point, I don't know what I thought would happen, he'd pack his bags and leave? I swear, sometimes the things we do to ourselves! Anyway, I really do feel better, it's liberating. Now, I want to know what onderland feels like. Have a great day, and thanks for being so kind.
Big Hugs,
T

I can't handle the truth!

I'm sweating and I have tears rolling down my face. I have to say that I'm more afraid of my husband knowing my weight than anyone else. I know that's stupid. He loves me as I am and he's loved me much larger than I am. Anyway, I'm just going to bite the bullet and put it out there. I think it's important for me to do things differently this time, so ...I weigh 216. My pre- surgery weight was 266 and that was not my heaviest. Okay, I didn't die. This is a huge step for me. Thank you for your kindness to me and for encouraging me to take this step and for saying that you support me either way. My weight has been such a source of shame for me, so this is one step in breaking the cycle of secrecy and shame. It is what it is.

Big Hugs!

T