And I don't like it! Maybe it's the let down of the post show rush, maybe it's the fact that the scale hasn't moved in a week, maybe it's because I feel bad for Draz and her flood, maybe her flood is making me remember my floods as I'm sitting in the middle of hurricane season again, maybe Carmen's post about her mom made me think of my own loss, maybe I'm worried about Amanda and all of her changes, maybe I'm worried about Chicago, maybe I'm worried about my friend Christy who's considering the lapband, maybe it's this, maybe it's that, maybe it's because I'm having growing pains. I think it's the latter. I've touched on this before, change is difficult for me. I've always dealt with things the way I deal, which for as long as I can remember has been with food or drink. Stress relief binging had become as much a part of me as the large backside it brought with it. I'm hormonal again (this too appears to be a recurring theme) and I want to find comfort in food. However, when I'm hormonal, I'm tight and I'm having trouble with food this week. I'm determined to eat well this week and just got my lunch at work, one bite and stuck. It makes me angry and makes me feel sorry for myself. So, as I sit here at my desk, hurting from being stuck, stomach growling with hunger, I realize something, I'm not having a binge on something that will go down, I'm writing about it. I suppose that could be considered progress.
I waffle quite a bit lately. I begin to think I have some issues ironed out, I start saying to myself : "Self....you're getting better everyday, you're not letting the scale rule your emotions, you're doing the right things and you know you'll eventually be rewarded for them!" Then, I have a morning like this one and the self talk is not quite as positive, it's like: "Self, why can't you get your act together, there must be some reason that your weight loss is so slow, this is going to be like all the other attempts, you'll fail, you may get to your goal, but you'll never stay there....history will repeat itself!"
I don't know how I got to this point, where I find it so difficult to be as kind to myself as I am to others. I think I'll probably never fully understand why I am the way I am, but I do think it's high time that I give myself a little credit. I would never hang out with someone who talked to me the way I talk to myself and I sure wouldn't treat my friends the way I treat myself. So, today I am making a commitment to clear the air with myself. For today, I will be nicer and more forgiving and I will believe in the process. Happy Hump Day!