LilySlim - Weight loss

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I lost my mind last night


Do you think that's where the 2 pounds came from? I'm glad to report a total of 32 down!

However, I think it has come at a real cost, I lost my mind last night and my poor husband is the one who got the brunt of my melt down. The melt down I speak of was of epic proportions. Today I'm super sad about it.


Life changing experiences such as weight loss surgery don't come with out a cost. Since my surgery I have to say that I'm not as easy going as I was prior to surgery. I have found that really feeling the way you feel, rather than anaesthetising with food, is difficult for all involved. I have never been particularly good at asking for what I need from people. And because of that, I sometimes don't get my needs met. What's worse is that no one but me knows that I'm feeling unsatisfied, so when I finally reach my threshold and break down, everyone in my wake is left wondering what the hell just happened. How could anyone know the way I'm feeling if I don't tell them? How could you know what struggles I'm having if I internalize each one of them? How could you possibly know that I'm hurting if I spend most of my day smiling and saying everything is fine? How can I hurt the people that I love the most? How can it be that with each pound I lose I'm feeling more and more exposed, more vulnerable than ever before? How can you take back something said in anger?


Change is never easy for me. I'm scared. I don't like feeling out of control and sadly I have trouble trusting others. I don't like having to depend on anyone but yet I want to have people take care of me. Today it has become painfully evident to me that there are things about me that are broken. I've spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy trying to fix those things. I have made some real progress emotionally, but I'm not where I need to be. How can I become the woman I want to be when I don't know who that woman is? And how can I change things about myself when I've yet to discover why I am the way I am?


There is so much to think about. I really thought that I was prepared for the changes that would come with this lap band. I did my research, I read blog after blog, but I just don't think I was prepared for the "realness" of the band. I know that makes no sense, but what I'm trying to say is that, I've lost way more weight than this before, but each time before, it was temporary and I knew it. I knew that although I had my mojo at the moment, chances were good that history would repeat itself and I would gain back most of the weight I'd lost, if not all. This is the first time that no matter how uncomfortable the process is becoming for me, I see that it is real, that it can really happen, that I can come out on the other side of this thin. That's a great thought, but also a scary one. I don't know how to be a thin person. As I'm losing more weight, and getting compliments, it feels good, but it also comes with this uncomfortable feeling. What if I don't like what comes out on the other side? What if my husband doesn't like me then? What if my friends don't like me? What if? What if ? WTF?


Enough of that. I'm sorry for my rant. I feel better now for having gotten it out. I'm still worried, still feeling bad about losing my mind last night, but ever thankful for all of you who support me on this journey in spite of my craziness.


Big Hug!

T

23 comments:

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

A big hug back to you honey! Good lord, I know exactly how you feel! As happy as I am about the weight loss, I am very nervous. I don't want my husband to feel nervous about me getting smaller either. Lately he has asked in a joking way if I was going to find someone else when the weight is gone. I guess he is as nervous as I am. Of course, he has no reason what so ever to worry. I have not felt this good about myself in so long. It can be very intimidating. We are all in the same boat. Just know we love you are we are here for you. XOXOXO

Amy W. said...

You will learn. You will. At first its really freaky and scary. But soon, the new you becomes the new normal. You are certainly smart enough, funny enough, and sane enough to handle this. It's like a rollercoaster ride sometimes. Now you just fit in the rollercoaster seats! Take a little at a time.

I am the same way at keeping things inside until I blow up. I am working out that.

Pamela E. Williams said...

Oh Tessie, I hope you get things sorted. I have been thinking alot about changing when I get the band. The fat/food that I used to medicate myself will be no longer and then i will have to deal with the problems. Especially the ones that I didn't know I had.

Pamela E. Williams said...

BUT....a BIG congrats on the WL!!! I know you will get through. I like you and Amy keep things in. I've been working on that with the help of my psychologist.

Janice said...

I'm right there with you. I have had a few blow ups the last few weeks. I let things stew and then feel empowered now (for whatever reason) to let my temper get ahead of me. I've got to learn to balance this new feeling of being able to speak my mind with some compassion. Fortunately, my family is patient and I know this is a learning process for the good. You are not alone. :) Hugs!!!

Sherry said...

Such is the journey, my dear. At least you are recognizing what you want to change! It is HARD.

DB said...

{{{HUGS}}}}} to you! I can relate to this post so much! It's true, we can no longer bury our feelings with food - so we have to figure out what the hell to do with them & it's freakin' hard! I can't verbalize & ask for what I need so I get mad or depressed instead - alot. I hope we can figure this all out together. Congrats on the 32 pounds - that is awesome!!!!

Nella said...

I think we have to stop worrying and clear our brains of all the "overthinking" and that will take a bit of time. Great post! One day at a time!

Pie said...

I really love these introspective posts. They force me to evaluate my own mental state, which I tend to avoid. I'm an overthinker, but in a different kind of way. It sounds cliche, but just remember one day at a time. Right now I can't imagine myself a skinny person, but six months from now, 2 lbs a week from now, I think I'll be okay. I hope I'll be okay.

I used to do that same thing - get mad at someone who had no idea that I wanted something and was being neglected. It's taken years, but I've finally gotten to a point where I can rationally verbalize my feelings to hedge off the storm. It takes practice, but it can be done.

Sending positive vibes your way!!

amandakiska said...

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I think you were right on when you identified that you used to use food to numb your feelings and now that isn't an option. Without food, you are left feeling some pretty overwelming emotions. It is normal to need some time to adjust and figure it out. Sometimes even the most healthy of people have a bad day and say and do things they regret. We love you anyway!

THE DASH! said...

Ack - I'm sure the things you wrote about are things most of us go through. I know I have had a few of these issues also. I feel for you though. They are tough, mentally, to work our way through. Just believe in yourself, Tessie. I know we do.

Drazil said...

Oh Rosebud.....deep breaths! I hear (read) how tough this in your words and I want to make it all better. Ask yourself "what if the new you is better than the old, what if your hubby loves you even more than before" cuz the truth is - it could go both ways....at the "thin" end things could be not so great but there's an equal (and in my opinion) greater chance they'll be even better. Keep blogging it out....seriously - I think you should let your husband read this...he may understand you more and you won't have to say a word.

Linda said...

Oh we all do battle these things. Change is good(usually), but it is hard too. So many things come up that I didn't prepare for.
Keep posting - we're here to listen.

Sandy Lee said...

I'm scared too which make it ok. Change is good. I don't think anyone could ever be fully prepared to know "what" happens to a life with the band. So glad you are working it out.

And Happy Dance for 32!!!

Cindylew said...

Don't worry Jelly Bean...who couldn't love how wonderful you are. We all feel this way sometimes...just keep/start talking to your hubby and I'm sure he'll set your mind at ease.
I loves ya.

Jacquie said...

I am so with you Tess! Its a journey and we don't know whats on the other end...I just know that deep down, we are who we are and we all will get through it ok! Your hubs and friends will still love you...don't worry Chica!!

Amaris said...

Tess, this is the first time I've read your blog and I'm so glad I found it! I have not been banded -- don't even have my surgery date yet! -- but I already wonder about some of the issues you bring up. Like you, I tend to keep things to myself until they reach a boiling point. I blow up occasionally when no one around me knew anything was wrong. I wonder about how the dynamics of my relationship with my husband will change. Hell, I wonder how the dynamics of my relationship with my also-heavy best friend will change! Spent my 45 minutes in therapy today wondering about so many of the things you brought up today. Keep posting and keep working it out. I'm so glad to read about these issues before they become issues for me. Maybe a little "heads up" will help make it easier!

***HUG***

To Band or not To Band? said...

It just emphasises the fact that the band is a tool for weight loss. All the struggles we went through as girls on diets are still there aren't they? And, who knows how we will handle it when we are finally successful?? Such a scary prospect! Hugs sweety!

DiZneDiVa said...

Tessie... You really hit a nerve with this blog. All valid fears and the food as a self medication thing...You are right to feel so many emotions but they will even out eventually. I have to believe that since you and I were banded 2 days apart so I'm in that same boat now. I'm sending you love and understanding, *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at Band Camp..." Check out my blog at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com

Stephanie said...

It's like you were inside my mind when you wrote this. I have those same fears. I've always been the "fat friend" and I honestly don't know/remember what it is like to be skinny. Even when I was skinny, I still thought I was fat. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I am getting smaller, looking and feeling better, but I wonder if I will ever completely feel "normal" and stop second guessing myself. Thank you so much for sharing this. It's nice to know I'm not the lone ranger!

Many hugs!!

Jennifer said...

Love you punkin! If I were better at expressing things, I would have written that. I was just thinking last night how angry I am sometimes. I can't bury it with food either. My DH gets the brunt of it - just b/c he's around me the most. Poor guy. I do think it's only temporary though - my sister went through it and now she's 100% OK.

kagead said...

I think the fact that you are able to admit and face these fears and issues means you have more control over them than you may feel you do. Getting the band in the first place is a jump into the unknown and that, for me, was incredibly difficult! I can't even imagine the things that may be waiting down the road.

Whether you express yourself via a well written blog post like this one or a "meltdown" of untold proportions, it is all good. The power is in the expression itself, not the method of delivery.

Hang in there, you are doing yourself (and the rest of us) a world of good by bringing some light into the darkness.

Fiona said...

I can't say it better than those comments above but dont apologise for speaking up. Hopefully when we are scared (and we all are at some point) we can support each other and give advice. You are not getting angry you are getting confident enough to speak your mind. Congrats on the 32lb!