Well, I had the child support hearing today. I was in the same room as my ex-husband for 2 hours! When I got there for the hearing, my husband was with me, I didn't realize they wouldn't let him stay and I really wanted him to be there with me. He is so strong and he makes me feel safe. I was apprehensive about being there with my ex, because of all the crap he's put me and my kids through lately. It's hard to explain the way it makes me feel when I'm around him. I'm not afraid of him at all any more, but I get very uncomfortable when I'm near him.
Our attorneys went into the conference room with the hearing officer and my ex and I were just there, each at different tables in a big room. My ex told me that he found some dishes that matched mine in the attic of our old house, did I want them. I said sure, he said...wait for it...."I'll sell them to you at garage sale prices." I told him I wasn't going to buy anything from him that used to be mine! Then, I felt awkward and didn't want to appear available for small talk, so I took out a pad and pen and just started jotting some feelings down. I started writing about how I couldn't believe that I was once married to that man and about how grateful I am that God put John in my life and that when we met, we were in the same "place" so that we were able to end up together. He has brought so much to my life and to my children's life and I am forever grateful that he is my husband.
When I got back to my office, I was sitting at my desk playing things back in my head, like all good neurotic girls do, and I realized what's really at the bottom of why I can't stand to be in the same room as my ex. I mean, aside from the fact that he's not a nice person, and he's hurt me in so many ways. The main reason that I feel uncomfortable, is because it makes me remember the person that he was married to. The old me. That woman is gone. That woman is someone who let a man systematically destroy her and take away her dignity. That woman died and all I can say is "good riddance!" I realized today though, that in order for me to get past this, I must give her a proper burial. I must grieve for her, even though I'm glad she's gone. It's amazing when you have a light bulb moment, even when that moment takes place in a court house in the same room as the Toad that eventually got you to your Prince!