That's right! I've been noticing lately that the thinner I get, the thinner skinned I get too. Getting banded, losing weight, learning to cope with stress without being able to binge has been a very difficult and challenging part of this journey. This is something that I thought I was prepared for, but I suppose I really wasn't.
I find that my feelings get hurt even more easily than before and that can be bad for those around me, as I am very tender-hearted to begin with. I've always cried easily too, now I find that I don't cry about the same things I used to cry about, now I cry about things that are more personal, rather than a commercial or a greeting card. Not that I'm any less touched by those things, but it seams that I have a little more control over those emotions, however, when it's personal I get hurt more easily.
Now here's the hard part for me. As I get smaller, I feel exposed, less protected than I did before. I take things more personally, I feel paranoid that people are talking about me negatively, that they are judging me. I feel like I've lost a layer of protection from the cruel world. My excuse for everything has been my eating disorder, my fat, all those things that have held me back. Slowly those things are changing. Change is hard.
Last night I had a friend tell me that I've changed, that I am not the person I used to be, that I used to be full of life, spontaneous and fun and always ready to go at a moment's notice. This friend and I go way back, we have been friends through some really difficult times in my life, my divorce, 2 storms, and the consequent displacement, the blending of mine and my husband's families. I have changed. Those things change a person. I'm different too, in that I no longer have my go-to stress relief, the almighty binge, my thick and thin forever friend is no longer my companion. I have had to learn how to cope without it and not replace that with something else destructive. It has been hard and I guess my friend is right. I'm not the same as I once was. How do I learn to incorporate this change in me? How do I salvage relationships that are dear to me without sacrificing myself? How do I become the person that I've been avoiding for so long? How can you be assured that people will still love the you that comes out on the other side of this journey?
I keep saying it, but change is hard.
On a lighter note, it is Wednesday, halfway through the work week.