Some pictures from the weekend and I weighed...

This is my son John blowing out the candles on his birthday cake.
My son James and my sister Amelia
John entertaining us
Me and my silly boys
Once again...James & John

I thought you'd enjoy a few pics from Thanksgiving weekend.

In other news... I broke down and weighed... I probably shouldn't have and the scale is back in hiding, but I did it none the less. I lost 3 pounds over the "no-weigh" period, 5 if you count the 2 that had bounced back on me. So, that brings my total loss to 47 pounds down! I have to admit that last night when I weighed, I felt heavier after seeing the number than I did before, so it did prove the point that the scale definitely affects my mood and my self image. My plan is to continue on course and weigh maybe once a week. I think that's a good plan. I'm extremely happy with my progress, I feel great, I know I look better and I definitely have more energy. My weight loss has averaged out to 5.87 pounds per month and I am just fine with that. So, at that rate, I should be at my goal by August 2011. Not exactly what I thought would happen when I had weight loss surgery, but something I can definitely live with. My darling husband was so sweet when I weighed, because at first I thought that I hadn't lost anything at all (I had to go back and look in my book for my last recorded weight) and I was just in tears. He was so supportive and so very sweet, I am so lucky to have that kind of support right at home, not to mention the support I've found through all of you. Thank you so much for all that you have added to my life!

It's Wednesday, I like!

Big Hugs!!

T

A delightful holiday!

Thanksgiving was wonderful, a long weekend filled with family and fun. I hope everyone who celebrated had a lovely time. I have pictures to post, but didn't get a chance to upload them, I'm hoping I will be able to tonight.

Thanksgiving dinner was at my sister's house and we had a great time, with lots of food. I enjoyed myself, and food was not an issue. I did not get stuck, and I did not overeat. When I left my sister's that night, I told her this was the first Thanksgiving that I recall not leaving feeling like crud from overeating. It was a wonderful feeling one that I am definitely thankful for!

On Friday my son had a sleepover for his 14th birthday celebration, a couple of the boys came early and I was fixing grilled cheese sandwiches for them for lunch. I used pita bread and they said they were delicious, so I cut a little sliver and had a couple of bites. What happened after that can be likened to a scene from the "Exorcist." I got sick and heaved for a good 30 minutes, I have never had such an awful stuck/PB episode before and frankly it scared the crap out of me. After that, the evening progressed with teenage boys running around like crazy people, they ate lots of pizza, drank too much soda, ate cake, chips and had a blast. The next morning, I got up and made homemade beignets for the boys and then just pittled about cleaning and putting up my Christmas tree. My sweet hubby came home from the deer camp and we had a great rest of the weekend.

On Saturday we had some friends over for dinner and on Sunday had quite a few friends over for dinner. It was great and today, I do not feel like I had four days off from work. Busy, busy December is upon us and I have to be on my toes to make sure that every thing gets done. I'm looking forward to it.

Yesterday, my husband asked me if I had weighed some where, because I appeared to be pretty calm about the no weighing thing. I have not! He then said he would give me my scale back if I really wanted it and at first I thought yes, but then we talked about it and I decided against it. I'm going to wait until December 5 like we originally agreed upon. I must say that being without the scale has been wonderful. I have not thrown caution to the wind and actually feel really good about myself. I feel like I have lost weight, I've gotten so many compliments lately, it's like finally people can see a difference. I'm happy with my progress and I'm a little bit afraid for that feeling to be compromised by the scale. But, in any case I will be weighing in just 6 more days!

I will post pictures soon from the weekend. Have a great Monday!
Big Hugs!
T

A four day weekend!

I'm so excited about the upcoming long weekend. I have lots on the agenda. Tomorrow my sister and I will start cooking in the morning. We love to cook together, it is something that brings back happy memories from my childhood. I make the cornbread dressing, the spinach Madeline and the corn casserole, she makes homemade bread, sweet potatoes and desserts, her hubby will grill the turkey. My boys come home tomorrow, they have been with their dad since last Friday, so I am so excited to have them back with me. My husband is going to the Deer Camp this weekend again to hunt, so he won't be with us for Thanksgiving, but I know he'll be there in spirit and he will be enjoying a much deserved time of relaxation.

On Friday, I will host a sleepover for my youngest son's birthday, he turns 14 next week. Anyway, it's always fun to have 6 boys in the house! And then on Saturday I plan to decorate the house for Christmas, put up my tree and all that fun stuff. Our house was built for entertaining and so we do lots of it. We are hosting my husband's office party and a party for an organization I'm involved in. And my oldest son has a birthday in December too, so we'll be having his party as well! It's a crazy time of year with all of the activity and my husband and I also celebrate our Wedding Anniversary in December as well. Whooo!

I'm getting tired just thinking about all I have to do. Ha! We love to entertain and my husband and I make a great team when it comes to putting on a party. I'm looking forward to all the hustle and bustle of the upcoming season!

I hope you all have a great weekend, I'll be busy so I'm sure I won't get a chance to blog.
Big Hugs!
T

Thankful...

Yes indeed. I have so much to be thankful for and I am! I'm thankful for my family, our health, my wonderful husband who loves me and supports me. I'm thankful that we have all that we need and more. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday, I'm looking forward to spending time with my boys (as the great white hunter will be at the Deer Camp for the holiday), spending time with my sister and putting our love and energy into preparing a special meal. I'm thankful that my husband and I have the kind of relationship that we do, I am truly blessed. And last but not least, I'm thankful for my band Pearl and all that has come along with her installation, not just the weight loss and health benefits, but the friendships forged here in blogland, what an incredible support system we have. I never would have met all of the wonderful "Boobs" or gone to Chicago if not for Pearl. And, I'm thankful that this will be the last Thanksgiving that I will spend as an overweight woman. So much to be thankful for indeed!
God Bless and Big Hugs!
T

Weekend Update.

I guess I'm showing my age with this one.

I had a lovely weekend. My husband went deer hunting (and yes he got a deer.) So, I spent the weekend with no children, no husband a very clean house, lots of girlfriends at a little Hen party, good food and good wine. It was really fun and a much needed break from the Mom circuit that I usually spend most of my time in.

I want to say something, but I'm afraid to speak it or write it, for fear of it going away. Dare I say the words "Sweet Spot?" I don't know if this is it, but if it's not, it is very close to the elusive spot of sweetness we hear so much about. Here is how I know it. I love food, I love to prepare food and entertain, I love to read about food, I love to smell it, taste it, eat it....I love food. I had this little party on Saturday night and I was preparing food for the evening. I had eaten breakfast in the morning, but around 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I realized I had a headache and felt a little sluggish. You may want to sit down for this.....I had forgotten to eat! No, I do not own a crack pipe either, but people I had forgotten to eat! I was busy cleaning and preparing food, actually handling food and it slipped my mind that I hadn't eaten since way earlier in the morning. So, I sat, ate a small portion of chicken and I was good to go. I felt re energized and continued to prepare for the party. I enjoyed the party, I ate a very reasonable amount of food, drank a maybe-not-so-reasonable amount of wine. I had fun, I enjoyed the food, the company and food was not the main focus of my evening. I just can't express to you how freeing that is. I love food still, but it does not consume me at this moment. I am not haunted by callings from the pantry at all hours of the night. I can actually buy chips or candy for my kids and it will still be here when they want to eat it, I no longer feel the need to eat in secret (that's huge for me). I'm beginning to feel like my band and I are no longer at odds. I'm not fighting it and in turn it is not fighting me. My prayer is that this will last and that if it starts to slip, I will have the presence of mind to get a fill quickly and not wait too long.

I'm so thankful that I have the band. I feel like for the first time in my adult life that I may really win this battle. That is a wonderful feeling. Oh, and another NSV for the books; this morning on the way to work I had to adjust my seat, because my husband drove my car last, and I could actually get my arm down to the controls without scooching my ass over...that's a big deal! I can't wait to weigh, today is day 17 without the scale, holly cow!

One last thing, if you have a moment hop on over and check out Steven's blog, another male blogger, he's researching the band right now. Always good to have a new perspective!

I hope everyone has a great holiday week, I'm thankful for so much, my wonderful family, my blog family and of course my band (I love Pearl!)

Big Hugs,

T

What I eat, besides Avocados.

Since Lap Band Gal has asked folks to post what they eat and so many of you have already. I figured I would follow suit.

I pretty much eat what I feed my family, I don't make any special meals for myself, but this is what I ate yesterday:

6:00 am 1/2 cup of milk, one teaspoon sugar and coffee

9:00 am 1/2 avocado and 4 saltines

12:00 split peas soup, 4 saltines and 1 tablespoon garden veggie cream cheese (I always keep a can of soup at work and a couple of Lean Cuisines in case I'm by myself and can't leave)

4:00 Greek yogurt with honey

6:00 2 glasses Fume Blanc white wine

7:00 about 1-2 oz grilled pork tenderloin (it wasn't going down well), 2 tablespoons potatoes and some winter squash and yellow squash

8:00 one more glass of wine.


Today for breakfast I had 1/2 cup of milk, 1 0z of cheese and about 1/2 c of left over potatoes for breakfast and for lunch I had a small Wendy's chili with 4 saltines.

Like Jenny, I eat whatever I'm feeding my family and I bring left overs to work or I eat Wendy's chili (which I love and this is the perfect lunch!)

That's about it. I also have my Viactiv calcium chew and multivitamin at work for dessert, and when it's cold I'll have a sugar free coco mixed with coffee around 3:00. I don't use artificial sweeteners, except for the one in the coco, I use one teaspoon of sugar if I want to sweeten my coffee, that's 15 calories. I haven't been a stellar looser that's for sure, but I do enjoy my life and my food. Some days, I'm way better than others, some days I'm really hungry, some days not. I never have trouble getting my water in, I drink throughout the day. I do like to drink wine and an occasional scotch, but hey, I do all that I enjoy and I'm still losing, even if it is slow.

I hope everyone has a great weekend, I plan on it!
Big Hugs!
T

If you are what you eat....

Then this is ME!

Yeah, I've eaten an avocado every day for the past 12 days! I eat 1/2 for breakfast with Cavender's Greek seasoning on it and 4 saltines and then have the other 1/2 for a snack at 4:00!

Yummy. I wonder if I'll ever get tired of them? I doubt it. When they are perfectly ripe, they taste like butter!

Okay, enough of that. Thanks for all the fun and supportive comments on my freak outs about not weighing. For those of you who asked, I get to weigh on December 5. I begged my husband last night but still, the answer was no. I'm feeling better about things, scale wise. Last night I dreamt that my stomach was flat, maybe that's a sign.

I hope everyone has a great day. Big Hugs!

T

Well, well, well....

Today is Wednesday, the holidays are fast approaching and I still have not weighed. I can't stop my head today from going there, you know that place that says, "Girl, you better get that scale back from that man, don't let him do that to you! You could be gaining weight right now instead of losing it and you won't even know it before it's way too late!"

Why do I torture myself so? Why is it so hard to measure success in a way other than the a number. Hey, my wedding ring is spinning around on my finger and it fits on my right hand. I can put my hand around my wrist and my fingers overlap, I have collar bones, ribs and hip bones. My tight jeans are not even tight straight out of the dryer. I took my measurements and have lost 2 inches in my waist in a month and 2 in my hips. Logically, I know these are victories of the non-scale type. Lord, help me put this in perspective. I'm really trying. I can do this....right?

I hope you all have a great day, it's hump day!
Big Hugs!
T

No weigh Jose'!

I am on day 10 of the no weigh plan as set forth by my dear husband. I must say, it's a bit freeing. I feel good. My jeans are looser, even my tight ones and over the weekend I wore a dress to a wedding that I haven't been able to wear in 4 years. That felt good too. I tried on a pair of jeans in my closet, that I've been saving forever. I got in them for one day about 4 years ago. They fit, a little snug, but they fit. So, all in all, I feel like I'm losing. I know my body is changing and people are really starting to comment on my weight loss. I feel like my eating is okay, some days I'm much hungrier than other days. I find that I tend to be hungrier at work than I am at home. I guess because I'm more idle at work. I really need to start exercising more and I have been completely lax on that . I will do better. So, I hope that the scale is in line with the way I feel, but if it's not, does it negate the way I feel now? I think I really do need to rely more on my body to gauge my success, it can't all be about the number on the scale, although, that's something I want badly. Perhaps this experiment has it's purpose. I think it might. I hope that I can carry this attitude with me after I get scale "privelages" again.

I hope everyone has a great start to your week. My son's football team won their first playoff game, very exciting. Big hugs!

T

No, not that kind of Friday!

Not the scary kind of Friday, the good kind! Yeah, Friday... I love Fridays they make me happy.

This Friday, I plan to get everything off my desk, everything filed. I will go to the first playoff game for my son's football team. I will enjoy the excitement of that and then I will go home and have a glass of wine and begin my weekend. I'm ready for this weekend, I have a wedding to attend (nothing in mind to wear, but that's okay), I have lots of laundry and house work to do and hopefully some time for rest along the way. I am behind on laundry and last weekend I didn't do all that I planned as far as my housework goes. I have to say that it really makes me cranky to have things out of order, I am one of those people who really need structure. Anywho, I hope you all have a lovely weekend, I plan to raise a glass or two to our very own Catherine who is turning 40 this weekend and is planning an event that sounds spectacular. Hers is the very first blog I followed and then Amy W's, and the rest, as they say, is history. So, I have a special place in my heart for those women who have paved the way in blogland and bandland. We are lucky to have such amazing women to inspire us.

Big Hugs!

T

A tribute

Today on Veteran's Day, I would like to take the opportunity to thank those who have served our great country. My father was a veteran of WWII, my husband is a veteran who served in Desert Storm and was a career Army man.

When I met my husband, he was ending his career in the Army, finishing up his last few drills with the National Guard and I was thankful indeed that he was no longer required to go and serve our country. I am so proud of him, he is strong and he made great sacrifices during his active time in the Army. He spent months and months away without seeing his children and his wife. Sometimes when we are in our comfy bed at night, he'll make a comment about how he could never do the things now that he did back then, like go 45 days without a shower or sleep on the ground for days at time or go days without sleep, things he did then, without a second thought. He credits the Army for giving him his strong work ethic, for making him the man he is today, the man that I am so thankful to have in my life.

I also want to thank all of you for the wonderful comments about my post yesterday, thank you for lifting me up. I appreciate you all so much. I hope you all have a wonderful day and as we are enjoying the freedoms that we so often take for granted, please remember the men and women who sacrificed so much to insure them.

Big Hugs,
T

Self doubt

I was searching for a picture for this post and found this one, next to it was this quote:
"It chokes my heart and jacks with my head." Wow, that pretty much sums it up for me.

I'm struggling right now, with feelings of doubt and insecurity. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Things are changing so fast, things that I wasn't quite prepared for. Things like, well me. Not just my body, I was prepared for that, sort of, but things like my take on my who I am. I'm feeling like I don't know who I really am or what my purpose is. I know my purpose in some areas; as a mother as a wife. I know my purpose as a friend and I know my purpose in my career. I guess, I'm just feeling the challenge of trying to fit in as I change. I've known my place for so long now, I am the fat, funny girl. What happens when I am no longer defined by that? What happens when I am just an average woman trying to set herself apart from the crowd. What happens if I really can't get to that place of "normal"? What happens to me as everything around me changes. What happens as I start to expect more from people and situations? What happens if the person underneath all this fat is not someone I like after all? Why does my brain work the way it does?

Man, I wear myself out sometimes. I'm hoping that this latest moment of self doubt is brought to you by Hormone Fluctuation and that it will be short-lived. I hope everyone has a great day.
Day 5 without a scale!
Big Hugs,
T

Disturbing dreams...

Ooohhhhhhh!

Last night I had many strange and disturbing dreams. The first one even made me wake my husband up, because I could see a spider dangling down from the ceiling right over me. It really freaked me out. I then went back to sleep and had a series of disturbing dreams. I didn't sleep well last night and today, I'm feeling haunted by them. In one of the dreams, I dreamt that someone had given me a purse with a wooden ring for a handle and that I had slipped it on my wrist, suddenly it began hurting my arm, the purse was supper tight and was around my elbow, and somehow also around my neck. I struggled to get it off and when I woke up I felt like I was choking. I got up and went to the bathroom and then took a sip of water, I choked on the water and was stuck, it would not go down, I had to get up and go throw up the water. When I got back in bed, I still had a weird heavy feeling in my chest, like I was still kind of stuck on the water, but then it made a strange gurgle and I felt relief. It was all very bizarre. Yesterday was a rough day as far as food goes, I had a terrible stuck episode and PB at lunch time and then last night got stuck on the first bit for supper, I stopped and waited it out, but it was so difficult, I ended up just having a glass of milk for my supper.


The band always amazes me with a tight day one day and loose one the next. I haven't quite figured out a pattern yet. This morning when I woke up, I took another sip of water and it did not want to go down, I took my coffee real slow and it was fine and so far I've been able to eat today, but super slow and tiny, tiny bites, and very small amounts. I'm assuming that I'm swollen from the bad PB yesterday, so I'm just going to continue to take it easy.


I still can't believe I have so long to go before I can weigh again. It's starting to really freak me out. I'm feeling anxious and nervous and I'm picking myself apart in the mirror. I'm gonna do this though, and I sure hope it turns out okay. Have a wonderful day folks.
Big Hugs!
T

Oh how I miss you...

Although my relationship with the scale is quite sick and twisted. I must admit, I miss it terribly. I'm only 4 days into the no weigh plan and I just don't know if I can do this. My husband is taking his job of hiding the scale from me very seriously and now, I just can't believe I ever agreed to this. Last night I dreamt that I had gained 20 pounds over the weekend. I hope this doesn't turn out badly.

In other news, I had a great weekend, although I drank more wine than I should have. I know I need to get more protein in my diet and this week I'm going to really concentrate on it. This weekend, my band was remarkably unobtrusive, this morning I knew when I had my coffee it would be a tough day. I got stuck on my lunch and stopped as soon as I felt like I was stuck, but not soon enough and well...yuck. I remember when I was newly banded I would get so upset when I read about people getting sick and I thought, I will never do that. Little did I know that you can't necessarily stop that train. Man it was a bad one too.

I hope everyone had a great weekend, I love getting that extra hour of sleep when the time changes, I just wish I could save it to use when I really need it, kind of like a time out in a football game.

Today at work we had our A/C ducts cleaned, ooooh it smells very medicinal in here and I don't like it!

Have a great day folks...
Big Hugs!
T

When you wish upon a star...

What do you wish for? I can't remember the last time I had a real wish that was not tied to weight loss. When I was a young girl, I used to wish for all sorts of things. I wished that I could fly, I wished that it would snow, I wished that Santa would bring me a Chatty Cathy doll, I wished I could get a new outfit, I wished that a boy might kiss me. I wished I was a movie star, I wished my mom would get well, I wished for lots of things, some things big, some things small, and lots of times my wishes came true.

As an adult, I can say that I have wished or rather prayed for peace in my life, for health for my children and my family, for true love, for recovery from this or that, but when it comes to a real wish, you know... the stare out of the window longingly into the night kind of wish....it's always about losing weight. I wish I was at my goal weight, I wish I had a better appreciation of myself, I wish I could live in the moment, I wish I hadn't spent so much of my life wishing I wasn't me.

When you wish upon a star...what do you wish for?

Happy weekend!

Big Hugs,

T

Feeling insecure.

I'm feeling insecure right now and I'm not quite sure what's driving my insecurity. All of a sudden I feel like things are changing and I'm not quite prepared for the change.


Last night my sister came over for a visit and a couple of glasses of wine (I had more than a couple) and she had cleaned out her closet and brought me some clothes. My sister is not fat, so I was shocked that she brought me her hand me downs. She said, "you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want them, but I think there are some things you can wear, if not now, very soon." I thought that was very sweet of her, there were some cute things in the bag, but seriously, like I could wear her stuff, right. Well, today I'm wearing one of her sweaters, and it's a large, just a regular large, no X in front. I was shocked. I think it must be generous for a Large, but it made me feel pretty good.


I had lunch with my husband today and he commented on the sweater. I said it was my sister's and he said "Well look at you, you're doing great!" He is so sweet and he always compliments me. He said he can really tell that I'm losing. But the thing is: I'm not losing. I haven't lost any weight in a couple of weeks, I just keep bouncing up and down the same 2 pounds, but it never sticks long enough to claim it. Our conversation went like this:

me "I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks!"
him "you might not be losing weight, but your body is changing, I can see it!"
me "I can't see it, I want to lose some weight."
him "that's it, I'm taking the scale again."
me "but what if I start spiraling out of control and don't catch it, because you have the scale?" him "how can you spiral out of control when you can hardly eat anything."
me "some days I can eat more."
him "followed by a day that you can't, eat much at all, I think it evens out."
me "okay, take the scale, I'll weigh once a week."
him "how about once a month."
me "that's crazy."
him "so, anyway today at the office...." completely changed the subject.
We continued on with lunch (I got stuck and puked, but other than that it was a lovely lunch!)

Well then I get back to work and I'm reading a few blogs and see Gen has written about letting her jeans be the indicator of her success rather than the scale. She has even gotten a new ticker that tracks her waist measurement rather than weight. I think that's great. And then, I boldly think, yeah that's it, maybe the hubby is right, maybe I can go a whole month without weighing. So, I'm committing to it right now. I won't weigh again until December 5. OH, my heart is racing and I'm starting to sweat, surely I've gone mad. But, I'm going to do it. He won't give in and give me back the scale, and I'm not brave enough to weigh at the grocery store on the scale you put a quarter in. So, there you have it.

Now, back to the insecurity. I'm just going to put this out there and I know it's crazy but it is what it is. I'm scared of what I'm going to look like as I continue to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll be a big old bag of skin. Now, I realize that it can't be any worse than the fat is. But my body is changing and it's squishier than before, what if it stays that way? I've read many blogs, lots of people say that your skin does that, you get squishy then it adjusts, but when I look at myself, I can't imagine it ever not being gross. I've seen bandsters wearing swim suits and seen pictures of people who were similar in shape and size to me that look really normal when it's all said and done. I just don't know why all of a sudden I'm worrying about this, it's something I can't change regardless of the worry. I know that no matter what, I will likely look better with clothes on than I do now and after all, I'll be wearing clothes the majority of the time, right? I don't know why I can't shut up the voices in my head. (I had a therapist once who told me I'd never successfully shut them up, so I just needed to change their dialogue, I need to work on that too.)

I know that the way I think is not rational most of the time. I just don't know how to be any different than I am. I know that I put undo stress on my husband, because I'm an emotional sponge, I'm always looking for validation. But, how does one go about changing that?

I'm just a mess lately. I think I'm in pretty good company though, maybe it's in the air. I hope everyone has a great day.
Big Hugs!
T

Revelations!

Okay, so I'm a little more than 7 months into this journey. My weight loss has not been fast by any means. But it has been steady and I am making progress. I'm starting to get back into some clothes from a few years back when I had lost a great deal of weight. I'm feeling pretty good about where I am. However, I must say, that reaching these weights has been a little less exciting this time around. It was much more exciting last time. I am very close to being below my lowest from the last go 'round. I'm wondering if things will get more exciting as I break new ground? Today I'm wearing a jacket that I haven't been able to wear in quite some time. I remember when I bought it a few years ago, I wore it and I felt like I looked average in it. I mean, I didn't feel huge in it, it was a great feeling. I remember walking up to the pharmacy the day I got it and I was surprised by my reflection in the window. That hasn't happened to me yet this time around. I have had some NSVs though, and I need to pay more attention to them, because I'm spending way too much time worrying about the scale! At our favorite date night restaurant, I sat on the patio in the "most un-ass-friendly patio chairs in the world!" and, to my surprise, it was much more ass-friendly. I call that victory. I weigh less now than I did when I married my husband and I am only 3 pounds from weighing less than he has ever known me to weigh. I'm just constantly surprised by the fact that I don't feel...well...less fat. I still feel fat, probably because I am still fat, but in the past, I have felt thin during the weight loss process. Maybe that's why I've always stopped short, because I started feeling better about myself and lost the sense of urgency to lose the weight. I don't know, it's something to think about, though.



I want to thank you for the wonderful comments about my blog on the Marie Claire article. I truly appreciate all of your input and your understanding. These last couple of months have been filled with deep thoughts and soul searching. I hope everyone has a wonderful day. Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts with me. It means so much to me.



Big Hugs!

T