I'm feeling insecure right now and I'm not quite sure what's driving my insecurity. All of a sudden I feel like things are changing and I'm not quite prepared for the change.
Last night my sister came over for a visit and a couple of glasses of wine (I had more than a couple) and she had cleaned out her closet and brought me some clothes. My sister is not fat, so I was shocked that she brought me her hand me downs. She said, "you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want them, but I think there are some things you can wear, if not now, very soon." I thought that was very sweet of her, there were some cute things in the bag, but seriously, like I could wear her stuff, right. Well, today I'm wearing one of her sweaters, and it's a large, just a regular large, no X in front. I was shocked. I think it must be generous for a Large, but it made me feel pretty good.
I had lunch with my husband today and he commented on the sweater. I said it was my sister's and he said "Well look at you, you're doing great!" He is so sweet and he always compliments me. He said he can really tell that I'm losing. But the thing is: I'm not losing. I haven't lost any weight in a couple of weeks, I just keep bouncing up and down the same 2 pounds, but it never sticks long enough to claim it. Our conversation went like this:
me "I haven't lost anything in 2 weeks!"
him "you might not be losing weight, but your body is changing, I can see it!"
me "I can't see it, I want to lose some weight."
him "that's it, I'm taking the scale again."
me "but what if I start spiraling out of control and don't catch it, because you have the scale?" him "how can you spiral out of control when you can hardly eat anything."
me "some days I can eat more."
him "followed by a day that you can't, eat much at all, I think it evens out."
me "okay, take the scale, I'll weigh once a week."
him "how about once a month."
me "that's crazy."
him "so, anyway today at the office...." completely changed the subject.
We continued on with lunch (I got stuck and puked, but other than that it was a lovely lunch!)
Well then I get back to work and I'm reading a few blogs and see Gen has written about letting her jeans be the indicator of her success rather than the scale. She has even gotten a new ticker that tracks her waist measurement rather than weight. I think that's great. And then, I boldly think, yeah that's it, maybe the hubby is right, maybe I can go a whole month without weighing. So, I'm committing to it right now. I won't weigh again until December 5. OH, my heart is racing and I'm starting to sweat, surely I've gone mad. But, I'm going to do it. He won't give in and give me back the scale, and I'm not brave enough to weigh at the grocery store on the scale you put a quarter in. So, there you have it.
Now, back to the insecurity. I'm just going to put this out there and I know it's crazy but it is what it is. I'm scared of what I'm going to look like as I continue to lose weight. I'm scared that I'll be a big old bag of skin. Now, I realize that it can't be any worse than the fat is. But my body is changing and it's squishier than before, what if it stays that way? I've read many blogs, lots of people say that your skin does that, you get squishy then it adjusts, but when I look at myself, I can't imagine it ever not being gross. I've seen bandsters wearing swim suits and seen pictures of people who were similar in shape and size to me that look really normal when it's all said and done. I just don't know why all of a sudden I'm worrying about this, it's something I can't change regardless of the worry. I know that no matter what, I will likely look better with clothes on than I do now and after all, I'll be wearing clothes the majority of the time, right? I don't know why I can't shut up the voices in my head. (I had a therapist once who told me I'd never successfully shut them up, so I just needed to change their dialogue, I need to work on that too.)
I know that the way I think is not rational most of the time. I just don't know how to be any different than I am. I know that I put undo stress on my husband, because I'm an emotional sponge, I'm always looking for validation. But, how does one go about changing that?
I'm just a mess lately. I think I'm in pretty good company though, maybe it's in the air. I hope everyone has a great day.