I was searching for a picture for this post and found this one, next to it was this quote:"It chokes my heart and jacks with my head." Wow, that pretty much sums it up for me.
I'm struggling right now, with feelings of doubt and insecurity. I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Things are changing so fast, things that I wasn't quite prepared for. Things like, well me. Not just my body, I was prepared for that, sort of, but things like my take on my who I am. I'm feeling like I don't know who I really am or what my purpose is. I know my purpose in some areas; as a mother as a wife. I know my purpose as a friend and I know my purpose in my career. I guess, I'm just feeling the challenge of trying to fit in as I change. I've known my place for so long now, I am the fat, funny girl. What happens when I am no longer defined by that? What happens when I am just an average woman trying to set herself apart from the crowd. What happens if I really can't get to that place of "normal"? What happens to me as everything around me changes. What happens as I start to expect more from people and situations? What happens if the person underneath all this fat is not someone I like after all? Why does my brain work the way it does?
Man, I wear myself out sometimes. I'm hoping that this latest moment of self doubt is brought to you by Hormone Fluctuation and that it will be short-lived. I hope everyone has a great day.
Day 5 without a scale!
Big Hugs,
T
13 comments:
Hey Tessierose-I think what your feeling is normal (hey that means your already normal right?) I went through similar things and yup most of the time it was brought to me by the hormone monster. I have a friend though that says PMS isnt really irrational it is your wake up call letting you know what things really bug you.
As far as standing out or being who you are I have noticed something-even now that I am of normal size more people look at me and see me. at 300 I was invisible because people worked really hard at avoiding seeing me. What I am trying to say is in the end...normalizing makes you stand out more not less (that opens a whole new can of worms but there it is).
Good luck in wrestling your brain but if its any consolation I have faith that you are normal and will just be getting your body size to match :)
xxxooo
I can empathize. ForEVER I have been wishing to lose the weight. It's been a major want and wish for as long as I can remember. Fantasizing about it, berating myself for not doing it - a whirlwind of emotions. Now, I feel like "well....now what?" I'm 30 pounds from goal and my weight is no longer the major obstacle in my life. So....what do I do NOW? I love you, sister!
From your blog, you are a fun and wonderful and warm woman...that is constant regardless of the weight. I think your confusion means you are processing thoughts of the new physical you...your weight loss is a great accomplishment. Your mind is just catching up to your changing body. Have a good week.
What Rachel said! I can relate, though. Isn't it so weird. To want to be thin for so long, only to have it screw with your head!
You may have doubts, but I believe that whoever you become will be fantastic!
Don't worry. Now you're the Hot Funny Girl. Problem solved! :)
Seriously though, you are exactly the same person on the inside. Maybe you feel better about yourself and more confident now, but fundamentally, you are exactly the same person that you've always been. So, don't worry. You haven't turned into a stranger or someone you don't know or might not like. You're still the same wonderful person you were with the extra weight -- just smaller!
I did a post similar to this a few months ago. About not knowing what my meaning in life really is. It's tough but I think it's just something people think about once in a while. You will figure it out when the time comes. Until then just be yourself, who you've always been and don't think of yourself as being defined by something as belittling as the funny fat chick. You are defined as Tessie and that's it.
Ahh...still struggling a tiny bit with that one, but I'm really getting there. You'll be the funny, intelligent, wildly creative, skinny one!
Just because we're finally becoming a 'normal' weight person, doesn't mean that we automatically become an average 'normal' person. Normal is boring...and you'll never be that sweetie. The fat didn't make us funny, or intelligent, or creative.
You'll grow into your new skin, trust me. It just takes time and a little head work. You already know who you are...it will just take a little time for you to realize that...and to trust it without the fat to protect you.
This is such a journey. I'm only 4 months out and I've had a few ups and downs already and expect there will be more. Having met you I know that you are a wonderful person and no matter how much weight you lose, you will never lose that.
I'm in the same boat as you. I'm not much of a Katy Perry fan, but she has a song called "Firework." Check it out. It might help. :)
I will tell you this, Tessie...You are a beautiful, vibrant, funny, engaging woman no matter your weight. Anyone who has met you would say that. You are a wonderful woman. Please put those doubts aside and embrace the woman you are. We love you!!
Okay.. here is the old lady with her sage advice.. as you change, the only constant will be change.. change will and should happen. And it is healthy to ask what is next for yourself.. and to be in self discovery mode.. that is how you grow as a person. And you will continue to notice that people are going to approach, react, and interact with you differently.. it's dumb that there is such bias against fat people, but there is .. and I can't change that.. I think many people can testify that hen you become not fat, you get alot more attention.
You are an incredibly beautiful person.. and now a thinner beauty.. so that means more attention.. I picked up on your spark factor.. enjoy it, embrace it.. love the new you
Self-doubt can kiss my fat baby's ass and go live in Hell with Drazil. I hate self-doubt..it creeps in without my permission...but I continue to let it in. I think over this journey you've proven you can change...for the better...so why doubt yourself now? We can control fear and shake it by its balls...and come out stronger in the end. You, my dear, are unstoppable at any weight.
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