LilySlim - Weight loss

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Battle Within...

Good vs. Evil


This weekend Evil won. The fight for balance is something I struggle with, balance within my family, my career, my plate particularly. This weekend, the bad me won, the bad food won. My week last week went pretty well, I was glad that Mardi Gras was over, but the over abundance of the season kind of spilled over on to the new week. I was glad not to drink any alcohol that's for sure, but I was feeling sort of antsy and found it hard to get in the swing of things. I was craving some bad food, chips and sweets. I did pretty well and then on Friday night my son had a track meet. It was really cold (like digging through the Goodwill box in the car to layer with cold) and although I thought I was prepared, I was not. I got really cold and really hungry and all they had in the concession stand was, well concession stand food. I did eat a small popcorn, but didn't get home til close to 9 and I was really hungry. I fixed mac and cheese for me and my step daughter and then I ate a Little Debbie oatmeal creme cookie (170 calories and a glass of whole milk 120 calories.) Okay, these weren't very nutritionally sound choices but they were mine, I logged my calories into My Fitness Pal and it wasn't so bad after all, 200 calories over my target. But, here's were the good vs. evil comes in. Anytime I eat sweets at night, without having had a good protein source with it, I wake up really hungry. So, Saturday I got up, really hungry and we were out of coffee! I was a bear, I started a fight with the hubs, I had several blow ups about stupid stuff, set every one's mood off nicely on a Saturday, I had a glass of milk for breakfast and drank some water, then made a bunch of seasoned oyster crackers, spinach dip and french onion dip for the party later, I tasted a tiny bit of all of the above by the way, but still didn't take the time to prepare something healthy and eat it. I then went to my sister's to set up for my brother's surprise 60th surprise b-day party. We got everything set up and I was putting the giant cookies on platters, I ate a 330 calorie cookie for lunch (are you seeing a pattern here?) I went home got ready and went back to the party. I drank plenty of wine, I ate a piece of birthday cake, 1/2 of previously mentioned cookie, chips, dips and a very small amount of jambalaya. I went to bed feeling disgusted with myself and I dreamt all night about being hit in the stomach. Sunday morning I have to get my boys to early service at church, actually 6:30, since old people like me don't adjust well to the time change. I came home and had a waffle with low sugar syrup and a glass of milk. I then made a giant pot of red beans and rice for supper. I had a rice krispy treat for lunch and red beans for supper ( a very small amount) and.....wait for it......a bottle of wine and another Little Debbie cake. So, I record everything and I logged my calories, it really wasn't near as bad as I had thought, I was only 75 calories above my target range. But here's the deal, all day I held food in that place, that place that I have worked so hard to get away from....that place that says that food is bad, so I'm bad for eating it, that place the makes me feel like a failure, and makes me want to throw it all away, because we all know that food is way stronger than me! Yeah...that place. I hate that place. And, once I go there, it's hard to find my way back. I'm okay today so far. I've had good solid protein and no sweets, why does this have to be so hard? Today, Read asked "What's the band given you?" Well, it certainly couldn't fix my head issues, but it did stop me from making a day of crazy eating into a 5,000 calorie event. I'm glad I have it and there was a time when I thought I had the sweet spot, but I'm kind of with you on this one, I don't think everyone gets to that place of no hunger. I get really hungry, when I eat, I get full with a small amount of food. Sometimes, I'm hungry in 2 hours from that time, sometimes it's longer, but trust me, I always get hungry again. I still think about food, especially if I get upset or tired or get my feelings hurt, that's the first place my mind goes, I don't suppose that will every change, I don't know. But I do know that if the most damage I do on a binge day is 13-1500 calories, I'll still probably meet my weight loss goals and be able to stay there. Yeah, evil won yesterday, but today is a new day, I'm pulling for the good side of me, on all fronts.


Big Hugs!

T

13 comments:

Amy W. said...

Yeah...my pattern is when I have an off week, I then have a week of sorta being off...like weaning myself from total shit eating. And then I will be really good for 2 weeks. Rinse and repeat. We will be okay.

amandakiska said...

It happens. Like you said, it could have been worse! Hang in there!

Stephanie said...

Yep, it happens...but the band is at least preventing us from going on total benders! It could have been infinitely worse. The fact is that we are all cognizant of the choices and that you are at least logging your food. I find that when I don't track, I really lose sight of things. I love myfitnesspal.com!

Kristin said...

Oh yes, I always find it nearly impossible to go cold turkey after a big week of eating.

You did a good job putting this into perspective, and stepping back to look at what happened. That's progress.

Read said...

That's it exactly!!! I could have easily written this post. The same exact demons exist - they are known and predictable. I react the same exact ways. I get hungry and it's hard to switch gears from 'bad' to 'good'. I just don't have the same freedom to make it a 5,000 calorie binge or a 10,000 calorie binge. The band has set some limits for our bad or evil days.

And for me, and you too from the sound of it, that's okay. I can live here happily. We will hit our goals, even if it won't always be pretty.

Jacquie said...

Oh T, we are all with you on this! At least you got a grip and are able to move forward. That is what counts!

Ashlylin said...

I am super proud of you for logging your calories. Usually, when I get off track I do not log my calories!

Cindylew said...

You could never convince me that there's any part of you dear tesser, that is evil.
Yes you got swallowed up a bit by a few old behaviors but I'll bet in the past you never would have logged your calories and then proceed to tell your friends about it.
Tomorrow is a brand spankin' new day.

Bonnie said...

A bad eating day now is NOTHING like a bad eating day pre-band. Thank goodness!

FritoBandito said...

Yeah...what Bonnie said. I had a "bad eating" night at Applebee's last night...so EASILY would have been so much worse pre-band! Thank goodness we have something to hold us back even if it's just a little!

Rachel said...

I think the eternal struggle between good and bad will always be there; but I think you have done a great job of jumping back on the wagon...and the band helps the evil be not so "evil"...I cringe and my evil pre band binges...thank you God for the band!!! I think you have done a great job changing your life habits and you have worked hard to grow internally too...You are one of my heros!

Beth Ann said...

Oh man, I HATE those days. But like you, I appreciate that my band limits the damage. On the other hand, I LOVE new days! :)

Sam said...

I have those days too. Thankfully the band is there to help us make them not too bad :o)